Disclaimer: I make no claim to ownership.
A/N: I probably have to stop claiming to hate this play if I'm going to keep writing fanfiction for it, huh?
If It Takes Forever
Romeo wakes up after it's all over and thinks to himself, I can't believe that just happened. A few feet away from him, Juliet wakes up and thinks, This just won't do.
Far, far away from both of them, Queen Mab quietly agrees.
000
Romeo Montague is an up-and-coming player in the legal world, making his way through the ranks of his father's firm with his cousin Benvolio and his best friend Mercutio by his side. Juliet Capulet is the daughter of Montague's greatest rival. A teeth-grittingly polite social event draws them together.
It's Fate.
Their affair is fast-paced and competitive, just like everything else in their world. Juliet is being courted by an associate with her father's firm, Paris. Romeo has years of expectations to live up to. Their relationship is possibly the worst thing they could do to their families.
Predictably, neither cares.
It ends in disaster of course. Paris finds out about the lovers' affair and breaks off his suit with Juliet. Capulet is furious and comes storming into Montague and Associates, demanding recompense. Montague counters, and the battle is on. Romeo is banished to London to study for another degree. Juliet is sent off to live with her aunt. They never see each other again.
Unacceptable, thinks Romeo.
That could have gone better, agrees Juliet.
At least no one died this time, muses Mab.
000
The next time, they are high school students in a small town. Romeo plays for the Montagues, the boys' basketball team, and Juliet plays for the Capulets, the all-girls' team competing with the Montagues for funding and gym time.
It seems safe enough. Their families aren't even involved. This is a simple sort of feud, surely. No one will get hurt.
Everyone gets hurt.
Tybalt, who does not play basketball, but is fiercely protective of his younger cousin, challenges Romeo to a knock-down-drag-out behind the school the day after he finds Juliet making out with Romeo in a janitor's closet.
This time, Mercutio does not step in, and both Tybalt and Romeo walk away with black eyes, bloody noses, and broken fingers.
Friar Lawrence is now a young man named Larry who periodically supplies Romeo with weed and romantic advice, whichever applies at the time. Sometimes both at once. He is the next casualty. Covering for the lovebirds in class is all well and good, but when the Montagues come looking for their point-guard and the Capulets want to know why he was talking to their left-post player, stuck in the middle is not a good place to be. He gets off with threats from the Montagues and a twisted arm from the Capulets, but the damage is done.
Paris, Juliet's ex-boyfriend falls to his own jealousy and Romeo's quick right-hook. One by one, Montagues and Capulets start dropping like flies. Both teams are decimated by Christmas, and neither has five players fit for game time for the championships. The school forfeits and the two teams work together for the first time in history for one purpose: breaking up Romeo and Juliet. They succeed, and the rest of high school is spent with longing, wistful glances across cafeterias and classrooms, never to be satisfied.
Not good, Romeo scowls.
Awful, Juliet disapproves.
This is rather fun, Mab discovers.
000
The time he was a pirate and she was the daughter of a British Navy admiral was… bloody.
It started when he took her hostage from her father's ship and ended with a brutal naval battle on the high seas, culminating in the death of Romeo, Juliet, Juliet's father, half of Romeo's crew, and ten shipboard rats who had the misfortune to stick their noses above deck before all the fighting stopped.
This is appalling, Romeo declares.
Completely horrifying, Juliet concurs.
Next! Mab cackles.
000
They've been trying for centuries, watching their love crash and burn time after time. And they will keep trying and trying and trying, until they get it right. Even if it takes forever.
They never realize. These Romeos, these Juliets, they never guess that they are living the same old tale. Somewhere, in the subconscious, their spirits know this story, but the unlucky lovers themselves have no idea that living inside them are echoes of the first Romeo and Juliet.
Mercutio knows, of course. He has ever been Mab's favorite, and she can't help but let him in on the joke. Mercutio always knows.
He never tells them though. Why should he?
They got him killed the first time around.
000
Rosaline is there next time, and all of a sudden there's a love triangle added to the mix. This is a new development, as Romeo wavers between old and new love, and Juliet quietly steams. The end result is the mother of all catfights and the eventual delivery of an ultimatum on Juliet's part. Romeo hesitates just a fraction of a second too long and then it's over.
Oops, says Romeo, sheepishly.
Quite, says Juliet, frostily.
How positively delightful, says Mab, gleefully.
000
Romeo is four and Juliet is three and Mummy Montague doesn't like Mummy Capulet because of something that happened so long ago it might as well have been forever, but because of it, Romi and Julie aren't allowed to play together.
Luckily, Daddies Montague and Capulet don't really care about whatever it is that makes their wives hate each other, and they aren't about to stop watching football together because of it, so when the Mums go out and leave the kids with their fathers, Daddy Montague brings little Romi over to the Capulets and tells him to play nice with Juliet while Daddy watches TV.
Well. If there's one thing Romeo has always been good at, it's playing nice with his Juliet.
The relationship lasts for three wonderful playdates before Mummy Capulet comes home to find the
Montagues in her house and throws a fit. From then on, Mummy Capulet never leaves Juliet alone with her father, and the Montagues stop coming over for TV and playing.
So close! Romeo growls in frustration.
Stupid Mum, Juliet snarls.
Shakespeare's bones, I'm enjoying this, Mab laughs.
000
They have been lawyers and doctors and pirates and high school students. They have been professional golfers and hair stylists. They were puppies once.
Forbidden love knows no bounds apparently.
They have been nobles and peasants. They've been starving artists and successful business people. They have been toddlers.
It never works.
Will we ever get it right? asks Romeo, wistfully.
We have to, replies Juliet, desperately.
Hmm, maybe later, says Mab, teasingly.
000
Juliet's a dryad, and Romeo's a water-sprite, and while this is certainly not ideal, it's a definite improvement on past incarnations. There is a feud, of course, but it's not lethal, and nobody has any unmanageable relatives this time around.
She wades into the lake and he rises to inquire as to who was walking in his water. Their eyes meet.
Fate stops. Destiny freezes.
Not bad, Romeo says.
Could be worse, Juliet shrugs.
Perfect, Mab purrs.
(Mercutio is a snarky little satyr, and he rolls his eyes and bites his thumb at all of them.)
A/N: Okay, so I've decided to just embrace it. I don't hate Shakespeare, I don't hate this play. Sigh. Fine.
Notice the distinct lack of Benvolio. This is because if I let Benvolio into the story, he and Mercutio would stage a hostile takeover of the entire plot. I know they would, 'cause they've done it before.
Why is there so much Mab? Who even knows, really… I mean, really.
Also, how could you, how could you all?! There are two one-shots running around this archive with my name on them in which I misspelled "Rosaline" as "Rosalind." Why didn't someone tell me?