9 Months
Blaine hasn't seen Kurt since he moved out seven weeks ago. It isn't that they've been avoiding each other, at least, Blaine hopes not. It's just that between unpacking their apartment by himself, the trial, and getting ready to return back to work next week, they've been busy. And Kurt's had an extremely successful show to work on. Time's just slipped past them.
But it's Kurt's birthday. There's a fancy party tonight at a swanky club in Manhattan, but Olivia and Blaine are going to be celebrating the day over lunch instead. Olivia had practically demanded it. She'd seen the invitation Kurt mailed him on their counter and cried when she found out that she wasn't allowed to go. When Blaine called to see if they could take Kurt to lunch instead, he hadn't hesitated before agreeing. According to Kurt, birthdays in the industry were just another way for people to network and get each other drunk so they could blackmail each other later. He claimed that lunch would be far more enjoyable and would give them time to catch up.
Blaine's doesn't think that there are any hard feelings about them moving out. Kurt hadn't seemed surprised when Blaine told him. He had seemed to expect it. He helped pack their things and had joked about how much more work he'd be able to get done when he wasn't constantly being lured into sing-a-longs. Hell, he'd even arranged the mover that got all their things from the old apartment out of storage and took it to the new place. Then again, if Kurt was upset, he wouldn't have said anything. And there had been one or two times that he'd caught him looking at them with a longing gaze. So, there's that.
But even so, they've been exchanging fairly regular texts. He likes to think that he knows Kurt well enough by now that he would have figured it out if he were hurt. So yes, he's pretty sure that they are alright, but that doesn't stop him from getting butterflies as they make their way off of the subway at towards Kurt's building.
"Do you think he'll like our present?" Olivia asks skipping at his side. She's anxious to run, now that her physical therapist has cleared her for more intense activity but there's no way he's letting her get ahead of him on such a busy street. He's always been pretty protective of her, but since he lost Jake he just can't... The thought of her getting hurt again, or even worse? It's too much.
"Of course he'll like his present," he responds, squeezing her hand lightly.
"Good," Olivia says. "He should get all of his wishes for his day."
"That's a really sweet thing to say."
"I know," she says, giving him the sassy look of please Dad that she's been perfecting recently. "It's why everybody loves me."
Blaine can do nothing but laugh at that. The two of them round the corner and greet Frank, their favorite doorman, as they walk through the lobby and over to the elevators. The restaurant they are meeting at is on the third floor, part of the hotel that Kurt lives above. It's been their regular spot for months.
Blaine glances at his watch as they wait for the elevator. They are running late, but Blaine knows that Kurt can't be expecting them to show up on time. While Blaine had once been an incredibly punctual guy, getting anywhere with a five year old is impossible.
"Kurt!" Olivia yells, running at him as soon as Blaine pulls open the restaurant's door and she spots him at their usual table. Kurt stands up to greet them.
"I'm sorry, but who are you?" he asks, teasing her.
"Olivia," she says with a frown, putting both hands on her hips.
"No, that can't be. The Olivia I know is a little girl," he says.
"It's me silly!" she says giggling. "And that's Daddy!" She points at Blaine who is just now approaching their table, having not taken off at lightning speed immediately upon entering.
"Ah, you're right," Kurt laughs and pulls her in for a hug. "How silly of me, there's no way I could forget two such beautiful faces."
He sends Blaine a sly look that does something to his stomach he doesn't quite know what to do with.
"It's okay," she says matter of fact-ly. "I've grown two shoes since I turned 5. Daddy thinks I'm gonna be a giant, but I told him I'm just going to be normal size people."
Blaine had been worried that she might be hesitant when they first got there since it had been so long, but watching her flail her arms around as she speaks dramatically, it appears the only hesitant one is himself.
"Is that so?" He chuckles. "Well your father wouldn't know much about that."
"Watch it," Blaine says with a tentative laugh. "Happy Birthday."
"Thanks," Kurt says, looking up at him through the tops of his lashes. He's got a slight blush, one that he hasn't seen in years and it's the realization that Kurt's nervous, too that puts him at ease.
"It's good to see you," he says, leaning in to knock their shoulders together lightly.
Before Kurt can comment, Olivia is pushing Kurt back into his chair and climbing on his lap, chatting away a mile a minute.
"I start kindergarten on Monday," she says, swinging her legs back and forth. Blaine's happy to see she actually says this with excitement. She hasn't been looking forward to starting school again.
"You'll blow all the other kids out of the water with your genius in no time," Kurt says, wrapping a comfortable arm around her waist.
Blaine not sure, but he swears he sees him smell her hair. He wonders if it's actually possible that Kurt's missed Olivia as well. He's always assumed that he just took Olivia as part of the package that came with Blaine. But the way the two are smiling at each other, he wonders if Kurt's actually come to love Olivia on her own merits.
"It doesn't matter how the other kids do," Blaine responds quickly, not letting himself think too much. This is supposed to be a fun day, no room for seriousness. There's been enough of that lately. "All that matters is we do our best. Right, Liv?"
"Okay," she says, rolling her eyes at him, tired with the speech she's heard enough already.
Kurt sends him a questioning glance.
"We might have had a meltdown at the library yesterday when we discovered that Ashley can read books that we can't," Blaine explains, well lies, really. Because there's no way that you can call what happened a meltdown.
It was full on, nuclear level explosion. There had been screaming, throwing of books and enough crying to fill the Hudson. Security had actually kicked them out. They were kicked out of a public library. It was mortifying and followed quickly by an emergency therapy session where her psychologist reminded him that these kinds of things were still common. Though Olivia may seem like she's past everything, there are going to be moments that her emotions are too strong and confusing to contain.
"She's in the two grade," she explains in a bored voice, parroting back what she's been told. "She's 'apposed to read better than me. I wasn't sad 'bout that."
"Is that so?" Blaine asks, curiously. Because up until a few minutes ago, that had been her continued complaint.
"Yes," she says and turns her back to him so she can face Kurt. Blaine knows that she's just upset with him for the moment. That part of being a single parent means that he's always going to have to be the disciplinarian. But it does make him a bit jealous to watch her chose Kurt over him.
"Ashley says the kids at my new schools are going to have moneys and be perfect," she explains sounding completely desperate.
"First of all, nobody is going to be more perfect than you," Kurt explains. "It's impossible. Second of all, money doesn't make you better or smarter. I should know—I have a lot of it. It's hardly the most important thing."
At this, Kurt looks up at Blaine and gives him a soft smile. The fluttering is there again. He's pretty sure he knows what it means, but he's confused. He's not sure if he's feeling this because he's finally around somebody that's treating Olivia like she's important and he's missed having a partner in all of this or if he's feeling this over Kurt. Because he can deal with either. At least, he thinks he can. But until he understands why his heart keeps jumping into his throat, he can't do anything without potentially ruining something good.
"Is not?" Olivia asks, playing with the eagle broach that Kurt is wearing.
"Nope," he says. "Just be yourself. Everyone will love you. And if they don't, well then you can grow up and write a song about how horrible they were and embarrass them for the rest of their life."
"Kurt," Blaine says, trying to chide him but unable to contain his laughter. So that meerkat song had been about Sebastian after all.
"So you decided to change her school?" Kurt asks.
When they first moved in with Kurt, he had suggested that he move Olivia into a more upscale private school, but Blaine hadn't been willing to change her normal routine at the time. Not when she was still so delicate. But with a few more months behind them and kindergarten about to start, he knew that it was the time to change. It would cost more, certainly, but the life insurance and victim's funds would cover that. What was important was that Olivia was safe and secure. Things had settled down since the trial, but there were still people taking their pictures.
"Yeah," he responds with an easy shrug. "It makes me nervous that everyone in this city knows who she is."
It's a constant worry of his. What will happen if a photographer becomes too interested in them? How this brush with celebrity will affect her daily life? Will he ever feel safe walking down the street with her again?
The waiter comes by and they order their meals. Cheese pizza for the little one and steaks for the two of them. Because, hey, it's Kurt's birthday and they don't actually have filling food at these club parties anyway. It's all gluten-free this, vegan inspired that and occasionally, when somebody is being really ostentatious, caviar. Kurt deserves to have something nice on his special day.
"She'll be alright," Kurt says, continuing their conversation after Olivia finishes her tale of Rainbow, the caterpillar they adopted that really did turn into a butterfly.
"I guess," he says, smiling at his little girl and running a hand through her hair. She's currently coloring a picture on a blank paper one of the hostesses managed to track down, this isn't exactly a restaurant prepared for children.
"Something bothering you?" he asks, leaning back with his lemonade, settling in for a more adult conversation now that Liv is distracted.
"Nothing," he says, dismissively. "Just Dad stuff. Nothing I need to put on you. It's your birthday. Let's talk about that."
"Let's not," Kurt says, rolling his eyes dramatically. "I'm thirty-two. Do you know how old that makes me in this town?"
"Thirty-two?" Blaine teases.
"Gah, I wish," Kurt laughs. "I miss being a teenager. Do you remember high school? Things were so much better then."
"I think you and I remember very different schools," he says, but he knows what Kurt's getting at.
Those days had been traumatizing, sure. But at the same point, everything had been so much easier. They had groups of friends they could see every day between classes and at Glee practice. There wasn't need to schedule coffee breaks between meetings and ballet classes. Blaine can't even remember the last time he's seen Wes without Ashley and Olivia.
"Oh, I don't know, I remember things pretty clearly," he says with a significant look.
The two of them hold each other's gaze for several minutes and Blaine feels something stirring inside of him. Old memories are pushing at him, urging him to fall like he had all those years ago with Blackbird, you move me, I was so proud to be with you, I Have Nothing and literally thousands of shared moments. But that's all they are doing, pushing. The emotions aren't flooding back in like they used to when he'd think of Kurt in the days following their breakup. It's more like a trickle. Drips and drops. It's manageable. Easy to ignore if he doesn't think he can handle it, but there if he wants it. It's always going to be there.
The two of them are finally broken apart by the sound Kurt's phone going off, alerting him that he's got a new text message. He pulls away and shakes his head, making Blaine wonder what exactly is going on in Kurt's head. What was he thinking just then? Was he lost in memories too? Were they pushing at him gently or holding him to the ground and suffocating him? Was he even thinking anything at all?
Kurt glances at his phone and rolls his eyes at whatever message he's been left, chuckling quietly to himself.
"Somebody special?" Blaine asks. He's not fishing, he tells himself. Kurt is allowed to text whoever he wants and it's none of his business. Only the thought of Kurt texting another man puts him on edge in a way that it shouldn't. Not when he's not even sure what he's feeling. Not when he's not sure about anything in his life.
"Not really," Kurt says, sending out a quick text before turning off his phone and pocketing it. "Neil is trying to hook me up with this director and refuses to believe that we've already..." he pauses, glancing up at Blaine with a slight blush.
It's moments like this that tell Blaine they aren't friends. Friends don't have a problem talking about their past relationships. Friends don't tip-toe around these conversations scared of hurting each other.
"Enjoyed each other's company?" Blaine chuckles, wanting to say more, something more vulgar, but his vocabulary's had to be cleaned up in recent years thanks to Liv.
"It was underwhelming to say the least," Kurt says. "If that's all that people have planned for my birthday I'm going to have to rethink telling you not to come."
"You don't need this buzzkill there," he says. "I'm sure that guy's far more entertaining than I'd be. I'm a dad now, a crazy night for me is when I wait to change into my pajama's until after dinner."
"Oh I don't know, I think you've still got it in you," Kurt says with a wink.
And what does that even mean? Is this just harmless flirting, because they've both always enjoyed a good banter? Or is this more? It's been so long since he's had to play this game with anyone he doesn't know if he can read signals anymore. Have they changed? How do people flirt nowadays? He doesn't have many single friends, and the ones he does have just go for hookups in bars. He's not really familiar with how to date anymore.
God is he getting ahead of himself. Does he even want to date Kurt? Would Kurt even want to date him? No. He can't do this. Not right now at least. He owes it to his friend to sit on these feelings for a bit. Give himself time to process what he's feeling and decide if this is what he really wants or if he's just latching on because it feels good at the moment. He's still so damaged and torn over Jake, is it fair to bring somebody into that?
No.
No. Definitely not. So Blaine buries it, like he does everything else, and justifies it because he knows that even if avoiding issues and running away is his thing, talking to Kurt about this right now wouldn't be appropriate.
So, instead, they spend the rest of their meal and a few hours after discussing everything else under the sun. Blaine tells Kurt about starting work again in a few days. About the choir auditions he had to sit through a few days ago and a particularly horrible student who had thought he'd been able to belt out Kurt's "If Any Other Day" from Sapphire but in reality shouldn't even sing "Mary Had A Little Lamb".
Kurt tells him about the offers he's getting for the show. That there are several big names itching to play the lead when it finally does make its move to Broadway. He tells him how he's hesitant to replace his stars. That they've been with him since the beginning and it feels wrong to toss people to the side just because somebody with more credentials comes along. Says he feels required to nurture new talent because he got handed his dream job and so many of his classmates are still struggling to get their big break.
They both talk about the gay marriage bill that's managed to make it through Congress and is looking like it might possibly pass through Senate as well. They discuss what this means to them and admit that it probably means a lot more to their 16 year old selves than it does now. Because Blaine's already been married, even if his husband had been killed because people still refused to legitimize their love. And Kurt, well Kurt admits that he doesn't know if he's ever going to get married, new laws or not. But still, it's a big deal. It's the government stepping in and saying that they deserve what everyone else has always been handed. It's something that can change everything.
It's funny, Blaine doesn't know how much that it will change everything.
10 Months
Once school starts again, Blaine tries to keep to a pretty regular routine. Tuesdays and Thursdays, Olivia has dance classes at the local community center. While she spends an hour and a half learning how to plié, Blaine goes running or boxes and occasionally he'll even take a yoga class because Jake had always pushed him to try it. Wednesdays are their night with Rachel and Mitch, the one week night where Rachel doesn't have to sing a full set at the restaurant she works at because they have an open mic. So they finish their homework early and go out for pizza or Chinese and if the weather is nice enough, take it to eat under the glowing lights of the city at a spot near the river they like to call theirs.
Fridays are date night. Olivia and Blaine's date night. He makes it a habit of getting them dressed up so she feels it's something special and takes her wherever her little heart desires. Sometimes it's for tea and sandwiches at the local coffee shop, usually it's for tea. Other times it's a movie or dinner. And occasionally, when there's something appropriate playing and the money is there, he'll take her to a show. Those are the nights she loves the best.
Saturdays are kept empty for errands and the endless housework that builds up during the week. Occasionally, Olivia goes over to a friend's house or invites somebody over, but usually she spends it on the couch with Disney Channel or attempting to work a vacuum until Blaine is finished and they can cook a nice dinner together at home. Blaine, thankfully, has managed to learn how to at least cook pasta and chicken. Sundays, Blaine drops Olivia off at Rachel's and heads off for lunch and tennis with Wes. It's something new. Something Rachel and Wes came up with to give him some time to himself now that he's a single Dad and never gets a break.
Mondays are... interesting. It's the one night Kurt doesn't have a show to put on. So when those days aren't filled with dinner meetings, workshops, or business trips to LA, he's started coming over. It's oddly domestic for two people that aren't dating. He'll cook dinner with them, help Olivia with her homework and sit on the couch with Blaine and watch the CSI:LA shows that Blaine loves but knows Kurt only tolerates because the lead actor is attractive.
So basically, Blaine finally has a routine back and it makes things easier to manage. He's comfortable knowing what's expected of him each day and knowing that there is a plan. He's not just looking into a future of empty days where he's alone with only the company of a five year old to keep him from going crazy.
But then, something unscheduled happens. Something that's been whispered about between couples too nervous to hope. Something that's been debated on the news for years but nobody's ever thought would really happen. Something happens that's both incredibly exciting and depressingly painful.
President Carpenter redefines the definition of marriage.
Blaine's sitting in his office putting together a set list for their fall showcase when he finds out. One of his fellow teachers comes running in to tell him the news. Shocked and not believing it could be possible, he pulls up the news on his phone. Sure enough, there it is in big letters at the top of :
US Government Legalizes Gay Marriage.
Blaine stares at it for several minutes, waiting for the news to sink in. Waiting for the overwhelming joy he'd always expected he'd have at moments like this, but the only thing he feels is regret. Regret that he's already been married and the one person who should be celebrating this with him is gone. Regret that eight years ago, when Jake had wanted to be married in the church that he grew up in, that hadn't been possible. Regret that he had promised his husband if it ever became legal in Ohio, they could return to that church to renew their vows. He regrets that this law is now a case of too little too late.
Blaine's been married. He's gotten to say his "I Do's," and he doesn't plan on ever doing it again.
On the other hand, as shitty as he feels for himself, he's happy for all the people this will help. Happy for Jake, knowing that his story, though not the sole cause for this, helped persuade others to finally act. To stand up for the basic civil rights they've been denied for so long. In his life, he'd tried to change to world with love. It's bittersweet, but he knows Jake would be happy he'd managed to do it through his death.
Blaine grabs his coat and is at a penthouse in Chelsea before he even realizes what he's doing.
He pounds on the door, desperate for somebody to talk to and hoping, praying that Kurt is home. Because he's not sure any of his other friends will fully be able to understand this moment. None of them spent all of their teenage years wondering if they'd be given the chance to walk down the aisle. Not wondering if they'd ever find somebody to walk down the aisle with, wondering if they'd actually be allowed to walk down the aisle.
Kurt flings open the door looking like he's ready to kill whoever is on the other side. He's halfway dressed, shirt un-tucked into his dress pants and hair looking wild, but his face softens when he sees Blaine. Blaine doesn't know what to say or how to even form the words, so he just holds up his phone where it's still open to that life changing headline.
Kurt doesn't say anything but smiles, letting him know that he's already seen the news. He leads Blaine into the living room so they can both sit down on the couch together. When Kurt's arm falls around his shoulder, the emotions start flowing hard, fast and completely contradictory. Over-joyed, relieved, surprised, depressed, bitter. He doesn't know how to handle them when they keep changing so suddenly. Kurt seems to understand though, he always seems to understand. So the two of them sit in silence as Blaine alternates between laughing and crying into his best friend's shoulder.
"He's supposed to be here," Blaine whispers into his chest once he finally feels like he's able to breathe again.
"I know," he says, running a hand through his hair and breaking up some of the gel Blaine's used to control the curly mess. It's soothing. Jake never used to do that, only Kurt. Jake had always complained that his hand would come back sticky and gross if he touched his hair for too long. Kurt, Kurt always understood. Though he would tease him that he didn't need to use so much, he always understood that this was part of Blaine. The slicked back hair made him feel more in control and completed the put together fifties heartthrob look he was fond of.
"We used to dream about this day," Blaine says, his mind lost in another time and place.
"I can imagine," he responds, never stopping the steady stroking of Blaine's hair, grounding Blaine to reality.
"No, not Jake. I mean, yes, we did dream about this, too. I was talking about me and you," Blaine explains.
"Back then it always felt like it could be any day... like we would wake up one morning at that would be that. It would be legal. But something always seemed to get in the way," Kurt says, he to now is lost in memories. Blaine wonders if they are fond now, like his or if they are full of regret. High school had been such a magical time for them, but when college hit and that all started to fall apart, he wonders if those memories remained happy for him.
"If it had been legal back then, would you have married me like Finn and Rachel?" Blaine asks, not sure where the question comes from.
"I hope not, their marriage ended after three weeks," Kurt jokes.
"You know what I mean," he says, nudging him in the shoulder lightly. Kurt doesn't answer for a minute, thinking over his words.
"I'm not sure. I think I probably would have seriously thought about it. At the time we were both pretty positive we would be forever."
Blaine thinks about that. Wonders what that Blaine, high-school-Blaine would think of how his future turned out. Married to somebody that wasn't Kurt. Rachel Berry having his daughter for them? He probably would refuse to believe it.
"Do you remember the night that New York legalized it?" Blaine asks, again not really sure where he's going with this. Not really sure when he went from bitter and angry to nostalgic. It's been a weird night.
"You think I'd forget that?" Kurt laughs. Throws his head back and really, fully laughs. "You ran around your house yelling at your dad to suck it because you could get married now when you moved to New York with your big gay boyfriend and you'd spend the rest of your life having big gay sex."
Blaine has to laugh at that, because it wasn't really what he was thinking about when he brought it up. He was thinking about That could be us and In just a few more years it will be. But now that he's picturing himself, sixteen and full of hope for his future. Full of anger at his past and resentment for his father. He's let that go throughout the years. The anger and the resentment, it was pointless when he couldn't change any of it. And that hope, he wonders if he's let that go now, too or if it's sitting beneath the surface, waiting for him to acknowledge it.
"Not my proudest moment," Blaine says, thinking of the look of horror on both his father's and Kurt's faces.
"Not really, no. And it kind of ruined the mood when you got grounded for three weeks because of it."
"Yeah, but before that. That was a good night," Blaine says, sending him a significant look.
"The best," he smiles back, fond.
There's something there, something that's probably always been there but Blaine's been too lost to see it clearly. There's longing. It's present in both of them. The connection they shared, the memories, they were special. And they threw them away like they were nothing. It's not just the regret of lost relationships, because that is bound to happen to high school sweethearts and Blaine doesn't regret Jake in the slightest. It's the regret of losing contact with each other for years. Of forgetting birthdays, ignoring texts, and going years without a single phone call. It's so stupid. So many years just gone.
"Tell me about him," Kurt asks when Blaine finds himself slipping away from the conversation.
"What?" he asks, not sure he understands what Kurt is asking him. Because they've talked about him.
"I want to know about Jake," he says in such a self assured way that Blaine knows he's being honest. "I read the courtroom transcripts, the way you talked about him, the way everyone talked about him, I know he had to be a pretty outstanding guy. Plus, you know, he made half of Olivia and that's one half of amazing."
"You're serious?" Blaine's never talked to Kurt about Jake like this. Like he would gush to a friend. He's never wanted to, never been sure how Kurt would react. It's the same reason Jake never knew anything beyond we were in love and he broke up with me after a panic attack.
"Yes," Kurt says, giving him that look that Blaine can never deny. "We're supposed to be best friends, it's pretty embarrassing that I don't know more, actually."
"Okay," Blaine says, unsure where to start. How much does Kurt want to know? How much is Blaine comfortable sharing?
"What was his favorite movie?" he asks. Blaine is grateful for the guidance, for an easy place to start.
"He claimed it was The Shawshank Redemption because he always gave me shit for liking romantic comedies, but I know he secretly watched The Notebook on my laptop when I wasn't looking at least once a month."
"What did you do on your first date?" Kurt asks, settling back into the couch more, like he's settling in for a long conversation. He doesn't look jealous or upset, just interested.
"He took me out to this god awful Mexican place near campus," Blaine says. It's been years since he thought about that place. "It was a disaster, worst date I've ever been on. He ordered this appetizer for us and it had avocado in it. I didn't know at the time, but I'm allergic."
"You're allergic to avocados?" he asks, completely shocked.
"So it would seem," Blaine laughs, thinking to how his face swelled up only minutes after his first bite.
"I swear you've eaten them before," Kurt says, giving him a peculiar look.
"Never before that night and never again."
"Are you sure?" He side eyes him. It's understandable, for how long the two of them have known each other, how long they were inseparable, that it's a strange thing not to know about somebody.
"Considering we spent the rest of our first date in the clinic, I'm pretty sure."
Kurt hums, but doesn't say anything more, just gestures for him to continue with his story.
"It was mortifying, but was really good for us I think. He got to see me as the mess I was at the time instead of the suave confident guy I pretended to be and I got to see his nurturing side. He used to tell everyone that was the moment he knew that I was it, but I think he lied. There's nothing that screamed 'marry me' about hives, swollen tongue and wheezing."
"I don't know," Kurt says. "You've always been the most attractive when you're vulnerable and not hiding behind your charming personality."
And there it is again. The two of them are inches apart; Kurt is staring at his lips. Blaine is fighting the urge to close his eyes and lean in a centimeter more. There's a reason they can't do this. Blaine knows there is a reason, he just can't think of it right now.
"Kurt—" Blaine gives in. He closes his eyes and lets their lips meet in the slightest of touches before he realizes what's going on and pulls away, suddenly. He regrets it as soon as he does, wants to fix it when he sees the hurt look on Kurt's face, but doesn't know how to.
"I should probably get going," Blaine mumbles, scratching the back of his neck nervously. He stands up and looks around to see where he's stashed his sweater. When had that come off anyway? "There's the sitter and you... God you're all dressed up, you have plans, don't you?"
"Neil and David are having a party at their place to celebrate," Kurt says with a shrug, playing with the edge of his shirt tail. "I don't have to go."
"You should," Blaine says, knowing that it's the right thing to say and chastising himself for thinking about begging him not to.
"What if I want to stay?" Kurt says with a bit of a bitter bite that Blaine hasn't heard in years. A tone that Kurt's kept hidden from him.
"Do you?" he asks in a small voice. "Want to?"
"Isn't that embarrassingly obvious?" Kurt says with a self-deprecating laugh.
"The sitter has been complaining about the cost of textbooks at NYU. She'd probably appreciate a few extra hours," he hears himself saying absently. He's sitting back down on the couch, bodies closer than they had been before. He doesn't know why he's doing this. Doesn't understand what he's doing, only that he needs this. Whatever this is.
"We should talk about this," Kurt says.
They don't. It's horrible, because something this important should really be taken better care of. There should be a discussion and any lingering confusion should be cleared up before they potentially screw this up, but they don't. They can't manage much of anything besides a heavy press of lips together and fumbling hands relearning each other's bodies after years of distance.
A few hours later, once they are both sated and Blaine's waking from the short slumber he'd fallen into, he realizes how foolish they've been. How rushed this is and what a horribly, epically bad mistake they've made.
"Where are you going?" Kurt mumbles, still sleepy as Blaine stands up and starts to find his clothes. He reaches his arm out to grab him, but Blaine carefully avoids it. He can't even look at him right now without feeling sick.
They aren't in college anymore. He can't just fall into bed with Kurt whenever he feels vulnerable only to wake up still broken up in the morning. Hell, he couldn't even do it then. Sex, it means something. It's always meant something, at least to him. He doesn't just throw it around for anybody. The problem is he doesn't trust that Kurt doesn't.
It's probably stupid, he knows he's being horribly insecure, but he can't help thinking of all the times that Kurt's come to him over the years. Shown up at his door with Project Runway DVDs, vodka and a hopeful smile. Can't help remembering all the whispered promises as Kurt kissed away his pain only to be gone in the morning. They've done this dance a million times and where has it gotten him?
Fuck. Blaine thought he was over this. Thought he'd forgiven Kurt for all the things that happened when they were kids, but now he realizes he can't be over it. Not really. Not when they just slept together and Blaine doesn't even know what it means.
"Come back to bed," Kurt says, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. The blanket falls from his shoulders and Blaine has to remind himself not to look. Not to peek at the slightly toned muscles in his chest and the trail of hair that he'd kissed down...
No. He can't do this.
"I have to go," Blaine says shortly.
"No, you don't," he whines back, always clingy when he's tired and sated.
"Yes, I do," Blaine snaps feeling his temper start to flare. "It's late and I never even called the sitter to tell her I wouldn't be coming home. I have a daughter to get back to, I have a life."
"Where is this coming from?" he looks back at him confused, rubbing the sleep from his eyes until he's fully awake.
"What are you doing, Kurt?" Blaine turns to finally look at him, really look at him.
"What am I doing? I'm pretty sure there were two of us in this equation," Kurt says with a bit of an edge. But mostly, he just sounds resolved. Like he's expected this to happen. He stands up and hands Blaine his shirt from where it's been kicked under the bed, then he proceeds to head to his walk-in closet, emerging in a pair of simple jeans and a plain long sleeved T.
"We can't do this," Blaine says once they are both fully dressed again.
"Relax, it was just sex. It doesn't have to be a thing," Kurt explains, sitting down on the bed and leaning back casually, as if they aren't discussing anything more important than the weather.
"Of course not," he responds with a roll of his eyes. He should have known better. Nothing's really changed, no matter how much it may seem like it has. "Because that's all I am to you anymore isn't it. Some guy you call when you're horny and feeling low."
"You came over here," Kurt says, his patience gone. The two of them are staring at each other, both digging in and preparing for a fight. Blaine's nervous; he knows how vicious they can both get. They've known each other too long not to know exactly what buttons to press to hit each other the hardest. He knows he should back down, but he's angry and hurt and is itching for a fight.
"Yeah, and what a mistake that was," he says harshly. "I bet you've just been waiting for this moment. Waiting to see if I'd break and give you another meltdown you can pen for your next Tony winner."
"What? That's not even—"
"You moved me? Really, you really thought that was appropriate to put into your show?" he asks crossing his arms over his chest to keep them from falling into fists. He needs to hit something right now but without a punching bag around, he's nervous he'll punch a hole through Kurt's wall. And wouldn't that just be perfect?
"Or that I wouldn't put two and two together when Harrison and Mariah's breakup was suspiciously word for word our breakup?" he continues. "It must be nice to be making your millions off of my words."
"Where is this even coming from?" Kurt asks. Blaine's far too worked up to realize that he's not hitting back.
"Where do you think? I'm sick of you taking advantage of me."
"How am I taking advantage of you?" he asks, flabbergasted. "You consented to this. Fuck, you pushed this. I'm the one that suggested we talk before. I'm the one that asked you multiple times if you wanted to stop. I'm sorry if you're hurt over this, but I didn't do anything wrong. It's okay."
"How is this okay? We slept together," Blaine yells. He's grateful that Kurt lives on the top floor with no neighbors. He shudders to think of what somebody might hear.
"I remember, thanks," he says, pulling himself back against the headboard and pulling his knees to his chest. He looks young, vulnerable, but none of this registers with Blaine.
"Then I wake up to you telling me that it doesn't have to mean anything. What the hell happened to you? Sex means something, it always means something. And for you of all people to say that it doesn't?"
"I'm not saying it didn't," Kurt finally snaps, looking up at Blaine with wet eyes. "I'm just saying if you're going to have a breakdown over it, I'm capable of pretending it didn't happen."
"Trust me, I'm well aware." He rolls his eyes.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks in a small voice that shouldn't belong to such a confident and powerful man.
"Vegas?" Blaine shrugs as if that word should be enough. For them, it is. The memory of that night flashes before them and hangs in the air. The night that almost changed everything, for better or worse, Blaine's not sure. That's the thing about the road not taken, it's impossible to know what might have been.
"What about Vegas?"
"We hooked up," Blaine says, as if either of them needs to be reminded. "I almost ruined my marriage because of it and you call me one day crying and saying that you love me? You send me countless text messages saying that you need me and that you're sorry and I... I was stupid enough to believe you. To believe that you actually might mean it this time. But it turns out that was just another joke to you because you stopped calling."
"You never picked up the phone either," Kurt says, staring at his feet and blushing slightly at the memory. Drunken text messages have never been Kurt's style but those two weeks? They had been rather abundant.
"Well, what was I supposed to do?" Blaine asks, thinking back to the countless times he'd been so close to calling him. To throwing his marriage aside and running back into Kurt's arms. "Call you up crying and confess that I was seriously confused? Tell you that I didn't know how I was supposed to have a baby with Jake when I wasn't completely over you?"
"Maybe?" Kurt says, looking at him as if he doesn't really know what he should say. He's lost for words and that works out just fine for Blaine because he's got plenty.
"You tossed me aside when you got back to New York. Everything was big and shiny and exciting again. I'm only an option for you when I don't have Broadway to contend with."
"That's not what happened..."
"Then what the hell did?"
"I..." Kurt looks like he wants to say something. He has a desperate look like he needs Blaine to understand something, but he won't say anything. He shakes his head and looks down; he isn't going to tell him.
"Well that's just great, isn't it," Blaine mutters. "You sit here with your secrets. I'm leaving."
"Please."
Blaine hears the broken cry as he leaves the bedroom. It claws at his heart to hear it and he knows he should go back in there and fix things. He can't leave like this. Not again.
He pulls out his phone to make a call. He can't stay here. He wasn't lying before; he really does need to get home to Olivia. It's a school night for fuck's sake and she's probably wide awake and worried, wondering where Daddy is. There are several missed calls and text messages from the sitter trying to figure out where he is. He curses himself and sends a quick text, letting her know that somebody will be by to relieve her soon and that he's sorry. Then he calls Rachel, because who else can he really trust this to?
"Hey, what's up? You don't usually call this late. Is this about the news? Because, honestly, I expected you to call me earlier." Rachel says, her voice high and excited like it is after she gets off stage and is still high on adrenaline. "I just finished my show where I killed Adele's 'To Make You Feel My Love,' not that I ever don't. And a producer from Columbia was there that offered me a contract, which. It's always nice to hear that my talents are appreciated even if I'm not going to go down that route again."
"I need a favor," Blaine cuts her off before she can really get going.
"What's going on? Are you guys okay?" she asks, instantly becoming serious. He supposes after the accident she's as easily spooked as he is.
"I need you to go over to my place, get Liv from the sitter and take her for the night," Blaine explains. He can't leave, not with the way Kurt is crying on the other side of the door. He may be angry, but it's still Kurt. And he's never been able to walk away when Kurt needs him.
"Why, where are you going to be?" she asks, suspicious.
"Rachel—" he says with a warning tone, pinching the bridge of his nose and preparing for the lecture he's about to get.
"Blaine Michael Anderson, if the next words out of your mouth are that you're spending the night with Kurt, I'm going to come over there myself and shove my rhinestoned microphone so far up your ass you'll never find it again," she says. New York has really expanded her vocabulary, and not for the better.
"Can we not," he whines, too tired to go at it with her when he still hasn't finished working through this awkward thing with Kurt.
"Exactly, can you not?" she counters. "If you're horny, I have friends. I have many gay friends that would gladly give you what you need for the night."
"What I need is Kurt," Blaine says, admitting it aloud for the first time.
"Blaine."
"Rachel," he parrots back. "If you don't do it, I'm just going to call Wes. And I really don't want to have to wake him up when he leaves for work at 6 every morning."
"I'll pick up Liv," she sighs, like it pains her to agree to even the smallest part of Blaine's plan. "Obviously I'll always pick up Liv. I'm just worried about you."
"Me, too, but you can't protect me from this," he says.
She sighs, he knows that this isn't the last he'll be hearing about this. But she relents. "Fine. Call me in the morning if you need me to take her to school."
"Thank you," he says, hanging up before she has the chance to change her mind.
Blaine pockets his phone and stands up on shaky feet. He goes into the kitchen and pulls out a pot so he can heat up some milk for Kurt, the only thing he'll drink when he's this upset. Blaine feels bad for snapping at him now. For letting his temper get control of him like he had. They were adults and should have handled this as such. Blaine is the one that threw a fit that rivaled Olivia's tantrums. He needed to fix this, because the sounds currently coming from Kurt's room sound like he's being tortured and that? That's all on Blaine.
Once the milk is warmed up enough, he carefully funnels it into a mug. He brings it to the bedroom, placing it on the nightstand and crawls into bed to tentatively pull Kurt into his arms. When Kurt doesn't push him away, he relaxes, rubbing his friend's back in comforting circles. Kurt's tears are soaking his shirt and he would be worried about it getting ruined by the desperate way Kurt's clinging to him, but he's pretty sure it was already ruined by the hurried activities earlier this evening.
"I heated you up some milk," he says, handing the mug to Kurt once he's finally started breathing normally again.
Kurt shoots him a half smile and takes the mug from his hands. He sips at it slowly, refusing to meet his eyes.
"I shouldn't have yelled at you like that," he says.
"I probably deserved it," Kurt responds, putting the empty mug on the floor beside him so that he won't have to reach over Blaine to get to the nightstand.
"No," he quickly says, reaching out to grab his hand in both of his own. "You really didn't. I shouldn't be fighting with you over a breakup that happened ten years ago."
"I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned or even confused," Kurt says, latching onto Blaine's hands and refusing to let go. That's how the two of them find themselves cross legged and facing each other, knees touching and hands holding on. It's so them that it hurts.
"It's not your fault that I was confused," he says, running his thumb over his knuckles.
"I'm the one that called you afterwards," Kurt says. "I could have let that be a drunken mistake. We would have gotten past it eventually. It wasn't the first time we'd hooked up since the breakup. But I didn't. I called you and texted you and told you that I wanted to get back together and you were married. You'd moved on, rightfully so, and I had no place doing that to you. It wasn't fair and I'm sorry."
"Did you mean it?"
"Of course I did," he says, pulling at Blaine's hands and giving him a look like he thinks Blaine's insane for having to ask.
"Then why did you disappear?" he asks, voicing a question he's been asking himself for years. He's never understood how they went from having conversations about their relationship, how Kurt had confessed he still loved him, to nothing. "Why didn't I hear from you for years?"
"Because..." he pauses, biting his bottom lip and looking away. He's nervous. "God, I never wanted you to hear about this..."
"Just tell me," Blaine pleads. "It can't be any worse than anything else that's happened."
"Jake came to me." Kurt says it quickly, so fast that Blaine isn't quite sure he's heard him right.
"What? When?"
"After Vegas."
Blaine's confused, because he's never heard of this. Jake's never given him any indication that he's ever met Kurt before apart from one awkward night at the Lima Bean over Christmas several years ago.
"That day that we talked on the phone for an hour and I told you I wanted to run away together, do you remember?"
"Yeah," Blaine says slowly, still not quite understanding. Jake told him everything. They'd had a full disclosure agreement ever since Vegas, when they'd almost broken up. How does he now know about this?
"He showed up at the stage door of my show," Kurt explains.
"Okay."
"He told me that he was going to divorce you."
This stops Blaine's heart. Because he'd had his suspicions those days and weeks that Jake refused to come home, sleeping on the couch when he finally did. But divorce, the word had never once been uttered from either of their mouths. To know that Jake talked to Kurt of all people about leaving him? That hurts Blaine. That hits home in so many uncomfortable ways.
"He wouldn't. He didn't. I don't believe you," Blaine says quickly, willing the tears not to fall because the truth is, he believes every word.
"I told him that he was an idiot," he responds, giving Blaine a sad smile. "Only a fool would walk away from you if you weren't asking them to."
"You did," Blaine says, his throat almost too tight to make a sound.
Kurt had told Blaine he wanted forever only to break up with him over a panic attack on New Year's Eve that almost cost Kurt his internship. It wouldn't be that out of the question for Jake to do the same. After all, this wasn't a panic attack that he couldn't control, this had been cheating. Bitterly, Blaine wonders if it would have been easier or harder to say goodbye back then rather than watch his husband be beaten to death.
"I was a kid, how is anybody supposed to know what they'll want when they are that young?" Kurt confesses, sounding almost as lost as Blaine feels. And isn't that just great, the both of them trying to hold each other above water when they are barely swimming themselves.
"You were always pretty single minded about wanting Broadway. Nothing could stop you," he says, letting go of Kurt's hand to wipe at the tears on his face.
"Like I said, I was young."
"What did Jake say, after you told him that?" Blaine asks, knowing that he needs to find out how this conversation had gone down. What had Kurt said to Jake to make him come back home? Why didn't Jake ever bring up divorce if he had been willing to talk to his ex-boyfriend about it?
"He asked me if I loved you as much as he did," Kurt says.
Blaine doesn't know what to say. The thought of this going down without him knowing makes him sick. Like he's just some object the two of them could bargain over. Didn't either of them think that he should get a say in this conversation if it involved his future?
"I told him that I did. At least, I thought I did," Kurt continues on with his story while Blaine sits there feeling numb and detached. It's easier than feeling the overwhelming anxiety, the panic of how easily he could have lost it all. Would that have been what he wanted? If left to his own decisions, would he have actually left Jake for Kurt? He doesn't think he would, but the temptation would have been there. It would have been strong.
"Do you want to know what he told me? What he said that made me realize what a home-wrecking asshole I had been?"
Blaine doesn't answer. He's too far into his fog to respond, but he hears every word and is waiting with baited breath for his answer.
"He told me that he was prepared to live the rest of his life alone if it meant you would be happy. That you were his soulmate, but he would give up his career, his home, his family, his life, even you if that's what you wanted. He told me if I could say the same, he would sign the papers. I could have said yes, he wasn't even fighting me for you and I would have given anything to be with you, but I lied."
"Why?" Blaine asks, bitter that the two of them gambled with is future so easily without once asking what he wanted. Both of them had just assumed they weren't it for Blaine and went with it.
"Because you could lose me," Kurt says, sounding broken. "You couldn't lose Jake. You never loved me like you loved him."
"That's not true," Blaine says.
He loved them both equally. Differently, yes, but equally. That's what had made the phone calls so hard for him. They gave him such different things and he never understood how he was supposed to choose which life was better for him. He thinks he knew the answer and was too afraid to admit it because of what it meant losing.
"You were born to be a father," Kurt says with a genuine smile. "I watch you with Olivia and I know in my heart that you're exactly where you need to be. To have a family and be loved unconditionally, that's all you've ever really wanted. Even when you performed, you weren't looking for the spotlight or the fame like I was; you were looking for love and acceptance."
Blaine feels raw and exposed with Kurt's words; he always does when he realizes that other people can see how he ticks.
"I was willing to give you a lot, but I wasn't ready to give you a family and stability like Jake could. I knew, and I think Jake did, too, that if you were given the option like you should have been, there was a chance you would chose me."
"You don't know that," Blaine says, though he's pretty sure both Jake and Kurt have always understood him better than he understands himself. That they both recognized that Blaine had been on the verge of making a decision that he would regret.
"I lied to Jake about how much I loved you because I saw how much he could give you that I couldn't," he confesses and it's painful to hear. All of this is just so much to hear on a day that his emotions have been so exposed.
"I knew how likely it was that you would get scared and chose something comfortable, something you've known since high school. Because there's part of you that always needs to prove yourself and that part of you will always be looking for a way to prove to yourself that you could have been enough for me."
The two of them watch each other, listening to the shallow breaths they both take as they try and reign in their tears.
"You could have been enough. You would have been enough, you have to know that," Kurt says with such sincerity it's hard not believe it. "But being with me would have destroyed you. We would have made it work, but you wouldn't have the wonderful family you've got now and that would have killed you."
"I don't understand," he says, searching for the right words to say.
"I know, you should have had a say in all of this," Kurt says, eyes begging to be forgiven.
"No, I understand why you didn't tell me," he says, dismissively. "I don't like it, but I get it. I don't understand why you're telling me all of this now. What's changed?"
Kurt just shakes his head, giving him a confused look and fumbling for words to say.
"Kurt, you didn't think you were good enough for me before so you let me go so I could have the family I always wanted. But now you're telling me you love me? What's different? I know Jake's gone now, but the problem's still there. I still need stability that you can't give. So what's changed?"
"I realized I can have both."
Blaine doesn't know how to take the answer. It's not Kurt confessing that he's going to give up his career for Blaine. But honestly, Blaine doesn't want him to. Never really did. He doesn't want to be responsible for making somebody give up their dreams.
"I didn't consider it before because I'm eyes have always been bigger than my stomach," Kurt says with a cynical laugh. "I wanted so much from this business because I didn't understand it. I thought it could give me what I was looking for but it can't. It doesn't matter how many shows I put out there as "fuck you's" to all the people that put me down. Broadway is great. It's amazing and I'm always going to love it more than is healthy, but it's not everything."
"It's not," Blaine says and he doesn't know if he's asking a question or stating a fact that he's known since the beginning. That Rachel had to find out the hard way.
"I was naive. I shouldn't have let my ambition tear me away from so many people that loved me for more than the money I could make them."
Kurt's back to full out crying by now and Blaine can't stop himself from pulling him into his arms. The two cling to each other for most of the night, whispering reassurances in each other's ears when the crying becomes bad enough to need it. Their clothes stay on this time, thankfully, because allowing themselves that comfort had only been permitted when they didn't realize this was an option. Blaine falls asleep as the little spoon with Kurt nuzzling at his neck. Things aren't perfect, but at least they've finally said the pieces they've been holding onto for years.
At least they are finally admitting to each other that this is what they want. That this is what they will have once the dust settles and they pull themselves out of this wreckage. They will have each other and they'll be damned if they ever let go again.
Later, there will be concerned friends to pacify. They'll be Olivia to worry over, because though she loves Kurt, she's scared that he's going to replace her papa. Kurt will spend Halloween trick-or-treating with them instead of throwing his annual costume bash. There'll be Thanksgivings spent apart because Kurt needs to go home and Blaine just can't, not on the anniversary of Jake's death. There'll be Christmas and New Year's and Valentine's Day... later it will all pass by so easily that Blaine will forget he ever had to count his life in seconds and short breaths.
But for now, there is just the quiet, barely there snore of Kurt against him, holding on like he's always done. And if this is going to be his new forever, well he thinks that's something he can get used to.