Kensi sat in her car outside Deeks' apartment building. It had been two weeks since she last saw him. Two weeks since he turned in his resignation at NCIS. Two weeks since he stopped answering the phone when she called.

She couldn't begin to imagine what he was going through. Hearing the accounts of what happened after he and Sam were captured made her physically ill. Sidorov and his men turned her cheerful, optimistic, humorous partner into a withdrawn, fearful shell of who he once was. His physical wounds healed quickly, but the memories of the torture he endured lingered and haunted him.

She tried to give him some space, even though she desperately wanted to talk about the last argument they had which led to the kiss. She couldn't stop thinking about it: how the shock of suddenly feeling his lips against hers quickly changed to heat and desire. Her brain stalled after he pulled away, but she came out of the fog and realized she had a job to do. She had to follow and back up Michelle.

Months went by and she couldn't get herself to bring it up. She kept telling herself that she would wait until he seemed better, but he wasn't getting better. Before she had berated him for having poor communication skills, but she knew she was just as bad. She didn't know how to talk to him anymore. He seemed so distant, so not Deeks. She wanted to help him in whatever way she could... but she just didn't know how.

Then one day it was too late. It was after 10 o'clock in the morning and there was no sign of him at work. Hetty asked her to come into her office. She felt like someone had slapped her across the face when she was told that he turned in his resignation the day before. How could he do that without an explanation, without a good bye, without anything?

So here she was, sitting in her car, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do or say. She took a deep breath and finally opened the car door. You have to do this, Blye. He would do the same for you.

She knocked on his door and waited. She knew he was home. His car was parked outside and she could hear Monty inside whining. Nothing happened, so she knocked again.

"Deeks, it's me, Kensi." Nothing. "Please open the door." Still nothing. "Don't make me break out my lock-picking skills. You can't hide from me forever."

She started to hear movement inside and her heart raced. The locks were unbolted and the door swung open and there he was. A wave of emotions swept over her as her eyes fell on him: relief, heartbreak, affection, fear. His normally vibrant blue eyes seemed dull and lifeless. His face was expressionless as he stood there. Ok, the door is open. That's a start.

"Uh, hi. Can... can I come in?" She kicked herself for being so flustered. This was really difficult for her, but she had to push through.

"I guess so." He stepped out of the way, let her in, and shut the door.

"How have you been?" As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. How do you think he's been, you idiot? This is already not going well.

He didn't answer. He just looked away.

"I've tried calling you... and... haven't heard anything back. I've been really worried about you."

"There's nothing to worry about. I'm fine."

Kensi wasn't buying that for a second. She's the one who was famous for saying fine when she's not fine... and right now she knows he's not fine.

"Deeks. It's me you're talking to. I know you're not fine."

"Well, I don't know what else to say."

He wasn't even looking at her. It hurt so much to see him like this, but she wasn't backing down.

"You left without saying good bye. Without saying anything."

He laughed, but there was no humor in it. His laughter normally was pleasant and comforting and infectious. This was none of those things.

"I didn't think anyone would be sad to see me go."

"How can you say that? You've been a part of the team for years... we're a family..."

"Really, Kensi? You really believe that? I saw the way people looked at me, like now I'm something damaged. Like I'm something fragile to be carefully handled and managed. Like I'm not capable of doing my job."

"No one thinks that..."

"Come on, Kens, give me a break. I know Hetty and Callen don't think they can depend on me anymore. I could 'lose it' at any moment and put the whole team at risk. And Sam? Sam has never thought that I deserved to be there. Apparently I'm lacking in the character department."

"Deeks..."

"And, you know what? Maybe they're right. Maybe I don't deserve to be there. Maybe I never belonged there."

She knew this wasn't going to be easy, but it was going worse than she feared. She tried frantically to think of what to say. She had to get through to him. She just had to.

"Ok... but what about me? Do you wonder what I think of you? Whether or not I want you there?"

He didn't say anything as he just stared at the floor. Part of her was relieved because at least he had stopped arguing for the moment.

"In case you're wondering, I do want you there."

"Why?"

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Why was this so difficult? Why is it so hard for me just to say how I feel?

"I see you still have terrible communication skills," he said bitterly.

"Well, at least I'm trying to communicate. That's more than I can say about you."

For a second, she worried that she'd gone too far, that he would get angry and make her leave. Something like anger flashed across his face and then was gone. They stood there, holding each other's gaze, unsure of what to say next. Finally, he spoke.

"Ok. You want communication. Fine. Every morning when I wake up, I think I'm still in that room. Every time I try to fall asleep, I hear that drill. Every time someone gets close to me, I feel like I'm tied up in that chair again. I can't hold it together. I feel like at any moment, I could just lose it. I can't focus on anything, no matter how simple. How am I supposed to do my job when I'm like this? How are you supposed to depend on me? Your life is in my hands every time we work on a case. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I'm not able to protect you and have your back like I should... like I once could."

Now, we're getting somewhere. This is good. I have to keep him going.

"Ok, Deeks, I can understand that. What you went through was... beyond what I can imagine. I would never think less of you for not bouncing back to work right away. But why shut me out completely? You have been a ghost these past two weeks. I've called, I've texted, I've left messages. It's ok if you think you can't work with me right now, but what about everything else? What about that kiss? What about what we feel for each other?"

"Seriously, Kensi? I'm a mess and you want to talk about that kiss, about our feelings for each other? I'm not even capable of getting through one day without feeling like I'm going insane. That guy who kissed you? I don't know what happened to him. I don't know how to be him anymore."

Her heart was breaking for him, but she knew this was good. If they were to ever have any kind of future together, they had to get through this first.

"I can help you. I want to help you. Deeks, I want to do whatever I can to get you through this. You don't have to do this alone." She took a hesitant step towards him.

"We can't do this, Kensi. I'd hate to put you through this. I'm a mess. I don't know what's happening to me and I don't know how to go back to what I was. I don't know if I ever can be what I once was. That's too much to put you through. I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you to see me this way"

Kensi closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She once lost a man she loved because of this same thing... but this time she was determined not to let it happen again.

"Deeks, it's too late. I'm already in this too deep. If I let you walk away now and I never see you again, I could never live with myself."

"Kens, listen..."

"No, you listen! There's a reason I made you promise to never get yourself killed. Deeks, I don't want to be without you."

She raised her hand and gently placed it on his stubbled cheek. She was amazed at the sense of relief that washed over her just from that simple touch. She held his gaze, never turning from his sad blue eyes. "Yes, it hurts to see you like this... but it hurts more not to see you at all."

She felt him relax ever so slightly and she saw the faintest hint a smile in the corner of his mouth. Moments past and just as she going to take her hand away, he stepped forward and drew her into his arms. He buried his face into her neck as she wrapped her arms around him.

"I don't know what to do, Kens. I don't know how to be me anymore," he whispered softly.

"We'll figure it out, Deeks. I promise. We'll figure it out together."