Author's Note: I know it's been a LONG time since I've updated and I'm very sorry about that. Pregnantcy was anything be easy and being a new mom is so time consuming that I actually have to choose between eating something or taking a nap most days lol. I hope you all like the update. Please go easy on me if there is any grammical errors, I average about 4 hours of sleep a day and I'm staying up to post this... So please be nice.

Disclaimer: I own Arrow seasons 1 & 2 on blue ray... But that's as close as it gets to own Arrow for me.

May 9, 2016

Dear Journal,

I don't know what puts me more on edge, not having my memory, having nothing new come to me or not seeing or talking to Felicity for over a week. I still don't regret kissing her... Not in the least, but if I knew that I wouldn't hear from her I might have reconsidered it at that moment, but in the spirit of honesty I would have done it anyways.

I haven't had any big memories come to me since the wedding. I've only had flashes. Quick images of woods of city slums, but that's it. Then earlier today it hit me like a Mac truck. Felicity was laying on a metal table. She was in a red dress that had char marks all over it with a wound on her head. Her hair and makeup was completely messed up and I as I stared at her I felt my legs almost give out.

After I pulled myself from the memory and found myself in the here and now, as quickly as I could I readied myself and left the house. I broke more street laws than I'll ever admit to and I didn't care, i just knew that I had to get to her. I had to see that she was alright for myself, with my own two eyes.

When she opened the door I didn't bother to look at whatever shirt she was wearing I just placed a hand on each shoulder and started examining her face where the wound was. There is a small scar I never bothered to notice before because the color is so fair on her skin you can barely see it.

I can't even begin to guess how long I sat there looking her over for injuries I knew weren't there, but it was her voice that pulled me back to reality, "Oliver, what are you do-"

I didn't let her finish her question though because I smashed my lips on hers as one final test to make sure she was real and completely unharmed. She responded faster than she did the last time, but the there was still hesitation. I didn't linger in the kiss for long, but I wasn't ready to leave her space so I rested my forehead against hers. It wasn't until I was a hundred percent sure that she was really there that I explained to her the memory I had.

As I talked I sat down her couch, not noticing that she lead me into her apartment let alone her living room. She sat beside me and let me speak never once interrupting me. When I finished my tale she filled in the blanks for me. She told me that we were out to dinner and a bomb went off and the memory I had was while she was still unconscious. There was no missing the sadness in her eyes as she continued to speak and I know that there was something she was holding back.

When she was finished speaking we sat in silence for an unmeasurable amount of time. I just looked at her and racked my brain for memories to comeback to me, while she looked everywhere but at me.

Sometime later I blurted out, "Let me take you to dinner" before I'm could stop myself. It took about a half hour of convincing, but I wore her down eventually. She wore a shirt that said "SAMCRO" on it and blue jean... And to me she had never looked more beautiful. She has such a simple beauty to her that it almost makes her seem unreal sometimes.

We went to Big Belly Burger and as it turned out Carly was working. She's the manger there apparently... Who knew right (well I'm sure I did at some point)?! Diggle ended up showing up with the kids and sat with us for a while. I watched him steal kisses from Carly the whole time I was there. In the corner of the booth watching Felicity play with Dig and Carly's youngest and the love between John and Carly I found myself wishing for the same thing.

That's when the memory hit me: I was standing in a hospital and I was standing with Felicity. She said to me, "Stop dangling maybes. Say it's never going to work out between us. Say you never loved me-" and I cut he off by slamming my lips to hers. I felt a warmth rush over me followed by a numbing chill because I knew what was going to happen when I pulled away.

When I finally pulled my lips from hers I said, "Don't ask me to say that I don't love you."

With my hands on each of her cheeks and tears in her eyes she says, "I told you as soon as we talked it would be over." Then she pulled away from me and walked away and the body numbing chill came back.

I was brought back to the pleasant atmosphere around me by a warm touch on my hand that I knew without looking was Felicity, "I know that face... What did you remember?"

I put on my fake smile that I knew she could see through and told her I would tell her when we got back to her place. Her grip tightened for a moment before letting go completely... Her own little way of telling me she agreed. The rest of the night was very enjoyable and full of laughter.

When we finally made it back to Felicity's she asked about the memory again the second we walked in the door and I told her. She was silent for a few minutes afterward and I broke the silence by asking, "Were we in love Felicity?"

She took a deep breath and said, "Yes and no. From the day we met I always had a bit of a thing for you and as we got to know each other better those feelings grew and after knowing each other for a couple years you started to feel the same way, but you were never really in the emotional place to be in a relationship. You let me know how you felt about me for a while, and then you started spending more and more time with Laurel and your affections shifted back to Laurel."

I sat there for a moment and took in everything she said to me and it just didn't sit right with me. I only lingered for a few more minutes before placing a soft kiss on her cheek and left her place and headed home.

I know that she has only ever answered my questions and never given me more information than what I have asked for, but now sitting here writing this all down I know for sure now: for the first time since I have woken up and re met her she actually lied to me... Okay maybe not lied, but it is obvious that she purposely left something out and to me that's lying. So help me I will figure it out if it kills me.