I've noticed that Noah has been paired up with a lot of other characters, so I figured, why not write this? I hope you guys enjoy it.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Total Drama. If I did, I'm pretty sure the show would not be appropriate for its target audience. No profit is being made from writing this fic.

DISCLAIMER 2.0: This story is not the same as Life, Why Do You Hate Me So? by Implying Implications. That story only involves some of the most popular Noah pairings, and Noah being stalked. This story, however, involves Noah dating the ENTIRE CAST, and doing it for money rather than being a victim of the circumstances. By the way, you should try out Implying Implications' story. It's hilarious and epic.

On with the chaos.

"Noah. Noah!"

Noah rolled his eyes and put his book down. He left his room, went downstairs and entered the kitchen, from where his mam and dad were calling him.

"Yes?" Noah asked.

"Sit down, we want to have a talk with you," said Noah's dad, patting the chair next to his. Noah rolled his eyes and sat at the chair.

"Noah, I think it's time for us to become grandparents," Noah's mam told him.

Noah snorted. "Let me guess... Sid banged another chick again but the condom broke," he mused.

"We hope the condom didn't break," Noah's dad glared, "but this isn't about Sid. We want to have grandchildren, and we've figured you are our only hope."

"Only hope?!" Noah snorted. "I have four brothers and four sisters, all of them older than me! Why can't they give you grandchildren?!" he demanded.

"Because they're irresponsible fucking eejits," Noah's dad replied. "Now I love them to bits, but I could never trust them with a child. You're the only one smart enough to be trusted with a child for nineteen years."

"You seem to be forgetting that I don't care about anybody but myself, right," Noah deadpanned.

"Exactly," said Noah's mam. "That's why you should get married and have children. You'll love those children more than you love yourself."

"Oh, and if you marry a man, make sure your sperm is used to conceive your first child," Noah's dad added.

"Look, I'm twenty years old, I'm too young to be thinking about these things," Noah insisted.

"Look, you can postpone having kids until you've graduated from university and found yourself a full time job," said Noah's mam. "There's no harm in finding your future spouse now."

"If I do that, will you two quit pestering me about grandchildren and all this shit?" Noah groaned. His parents shrugged and nodded in unison.

"Good," said Noah. "And one more thing. What's with the camera crew?!" he demanded, pointing at cameras and cameramen.

"Uh… we need… the money, son, heh-heh," Noah's dad replied, sheepishly.

Noah glared daggers at his parents. "Oh I get it, you want me to participate in another dumb reality show just so we could make money, is that right?!"

Noah's dad sighed in guilt. "Look, I know you're angry, but we do need the money," he told Noah. "We are falling behind in our mortgages and if we don't pay them back by the end of this year, we could lose the house."

"So money is more important than your son's love life?" Noah rolled his eyes.

"Well no offence, Noah, but I highly doubt you could find yourself a suitable mate," Noah's mother sighed.

"Excuse me?" Noah glared.

"You are very rude and cold," Noah's mother admitted. "You are not going to find a partner if you keep acting like this. Besides, if we can't afford to keep our house, then how can we afford to keep you in university?"

Noah glared at his mother, but he knew she was right. He loves his course more than he loves himself. He would rather get set on fire than lose his course. Plus, Noah would never admit it, but he does love his parents and he would hate to think that they might get thrown out of the house. In fact, Noah doesn't want to get thrown out either, and he does in fact love his house. Sure, Noah could get a part time job, especially now that summer was only a few weeks away. He could use the money to ease his parents' debts. Unfortunately, even if he worked full time until Christmas, he still wouldn't be able to afford to pay off the debts. The only reason people Noah's age get part time jobs, in Noah's opinion, is to have work experience and make enough money for their own pleasures, such as going to nightclubs and topping up their phones. In fact, what does Noah really have to lose if he signed up? Sure, he'd have millions of people from around the world fighting over who Noah should be with and all that crap, but why should Noah care? He never listens to the opinions of anyone who has an IQ below seventy anyway. As for love well, it is true that Noah doesn't care about other people who are not related to him. He is pansexual, but he only uses his sexual urges to jerk off to internet pornography and books that he bought from the local dirty bookstore.

"Will I have to marry one of the suitors on the show?" Noah asked.

Noah's parents looked at one another. "Well, you could always get a divorce," Noah's dad assured him.

"I'm not paying any alimony," said Noah.

"Then pretend to marry the least-annoying suitor," Noah's mother suggested. "Have a fake wedding, and when the show ends, both of ye can go back to your normal lives. A few years later, you can just tell the word you two have been divorced. If your marriage has to be valid for the rest of the show's run, then get an annulment afterwards."

Noah sighed. "What do I have to sign?" he asked. Noah's dad handed him a contract. Noah read through it. To his surprise, the terms and conditions were not that bad. All Noah had to do was be himself on camera and put up with whatever fame-hungry moron has to end up on TV with him. In fact, the contract was only valid for three months after he 'established' a relationship with one of the suitors. Best of all, Noah can end the relationship as soon as the contract expires.

"Who has a pen?" Noah asked. His parents' faces lit up.

"Noah, you have no idea how happy you've made us," Noah's dad told him.

"We're proud of you," said Noah's mam.

"Whatever," Noah deadpanned, signing the contract.

So here's how it's gonna be done. Noah takes a character out on a date each chapter, and only for this chapter. That character may or may not move on after the date. Some will stalk Noah, while others will try to kill him or otherwise knowingly make his life a living Hell for being an asshole to him during the date. After all, some of the suitors will be psychopaths. And no, I will not accept or use OCs. All of the suitors will be other characters from the show.

Don't forget to try out Implying Implications' fic if you haven't. Who knows? You might love it.

Until next time!