Months have gone by but in all honesty the pure agony piercing my heart endlessy with each day has made it feel like years to me. Agony was also accompanied by this heavy numbness that refused to stop residing in my heart; it always lingers no matter what I'm doing. I tried not to be hard on myself and to just fill my mind with healthy, positive thoughts that everyone wants me to focus on, but why can't they just let me grieve?

With my grief however also comes with unhealthy, negative thoughts...fears as well, so I guess I can understand everyone's concern toward my current mindset; it doesn't produce the best thoughts.

I do my best to try to fill my mind with happy and healthy ways of thinking, but my heart always feels like it's grimly drowning and negative thoughts always overrule the positive ones. My brain tells me that it's not my fault, that I won't be depressed like this forever, that I'm not a burden, but... It's all just so hard for me to believe. The current state of my mental health is concerning.

My heart is always crying.

I've been avoiding intimacy with Sasuke and spend most days when I'm not at work just sitting on the couch hugging my legs, staring out into nothing. I'm scared of the same thing happening again. If Sasuke gets me pregnant again by accident, the thought of going through another miscarriage is just too painful for me to bear.

I'm already aware that my body can never successfully undergo a full pregnancy and that it will always lead to a miscarriage, but still... what's the point of my body getting pregnant in the first place when that tiny life inside of me is just going to die inside me anyway? It's heartbreaking. It crushes me every time I think about it. I'm terrified of having sex with Sasuke just at the slim chance of me getting pregnant along with also reliving the trauma and the effects that the miscarriage had on my fragile heart, and just from remembering the memory of the heart-shattering news that Shizune told me... The painful memories just randomly flash in my mind and effortlessly slash at my heart to the point where I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I have panic attacks. And...

Sasuke has just been a wonderful husband throughout all of this. He's so supportive and so patient, understanding... He is everything a partner should healthily inspire to be. I know it's hard on him though, that he's hurting seeing me in pain like this. I feel like I don't deserve him and his heavenly comfort toward me, that I'm just a burden. I hate myself for feeling this way, being trapped in this mindset while causing him pain. He doesn't deserve it.

I try so hard to force myself to be happy but I always fail, especially since Sasuke and everyone else can see right through me. Everyday I wish I could be normal again, I wish that I didn't have to deal with this pain.

What hurts the most is that I haven't told Sasuke why I have been avoiding intimacy with him. It hurts seeing the confusion on his face when I tell him I don't want to but he respects me and never forces me. He just holds me tight, probably wishing to hug my pain away. Only once in awhile we are intimate, but even then Sasuke can tell how uncomfortable I feel and he stops once he senses it. My fear of intimacy is really taking a toll on our marriage I think, but Sasuke always tells me that it doesn't change his feelings and that his love for me grows stronger with each day. I haven't verbalized out loud to him that I'm scared to be intimate for all those reasons I mentioned before, but I think he might assume what my reasons are and has an idea of why. He never does pry about it, maybe he is trying to be considerate of my feelings; however, so much communication is done by looking into each other's eyes. I don't know how many times I have cried in his arms by now. How did I get so lucky?

"Sakura," Sasuke breathed between kisses as moonlight kindly entered through our bedroom window. He held me in his arms tighter. "It's okay if you're scared. I'm here for you."

My eyes widened then quickly watered at hearing him acknowledge my unspoken fear.

"I'm... I'm-I'm sorry. I feel stupid," I admitted whispering, my voice cracking in complete guilt and shame. I closed my eyes and clutched my heart in pain, trembling. "I'm...sorry."

Sasuke suddenly poked my forehead. "Don't be annoying."

I opened my eyes to look at him in shock and wasn't expecting him to do that, especially since we were lying down facing each other in our bed.

He looked at me sternly. "You're not stupid. Your feelings are valid. It's okay. It's understandable why you might not want..." He sighed and paused for a moment looking a little frustrated with himself, then he abruptly began to blush which took me by surprise. "Look. I could go with us not having sex for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes for you to be okay and feel safe. I'm content with just being by your side in general."

My eyes frantically widened in disbelief and I blushed up a storm. "Wha-what?! How could you say something so...unrealistic?!" I bit my lip for a moment and blushed harder, feeling slight anger. "I... would never want to deprive you! You would have your urges! And I would have mine... That seems impossible and wouldn't be fair to you for you to give up your sex life because of my fears and because of the pain I feel and-"

"You're not seeing my point," he interrupted. "I'm trying to explain to you how much I'm in love with you. Just your presence is enough. I don't need anything else. I wouldn't want to do anything that would bring you pain. I'd gladly go without it if it meant-"

Much to his surprise, I then pinned him to the bed with much force, blushing ferociously, and screamed, "Don't say such nonsense! I would never put you through that and make you go through such a sacrifice! Thank you for considering it, but quit being so unrealistic you weirdo!"

He smirked. "Hn. This is the first time I've seen you so fired up and feisty in months. I'm glad, I wasn't expecting this."

I blushed even more at realizing he was right and growled in frustration.

"Grrr, you butt! Shut up!"

Sasuke, thank you.

We made love that night and I felt so free from the fear for once. Even in this seemingly never-ending darkness, Sasuke is my light.

Months have gone by since that day. Even though Sasuke had managed to cheer me up that one night, dealing with the trauma and the pain was still difficult. Our sex life had improved a little bit since then, but it was still hard for me to deal with the fear and my depression just wasn't going to go away just like that. I've been doing my best to get better mentally though. It's hard.

Every month I had seemed to get really sick somehow and I began to occasionally eat my feelings - in other words majorly overeat. I've gained an odd craving to eating lots of salads I noticed, along with lots of baked potatoes and cheese omelettes with tomatoes on top. (Sasuke always gave me a surplus of tomatoes whenever he cooked me an omelette, which is so like him).

Thoughts of me being pregnant kept invading my mind but I kept ignoring them. There was just no way. Sasuke has always been super careful and we rarely do it in general. I've tried taking birth control in the past as well but the migraines I would get were just so unbearable and it only increased my depressed thoughts, which scared Sasuke so he convinced me to stop taking the pills. Maybe I wouldn't be having all of these worrisome thoughts if I had just stayed on the birth control, but...

What if I really am pregnant? ...I don't want to deal with the pain and grief of another miscarriage again.

Which is why I'm currently getting checked out today to obtain some peace of mind about me not being pregnant and that it is all in my head.

Sasuke squeezed my trembling hand as I was sitting down waiting for Shizune to come back into the room to perform an ultrasound.

Previously I had tried taking a pregnancy test, but kept on chickening out and it resulted in me having these ridiculous massive anxiety/panic attacks. I couldn't stop crying my eyes out as Sasuke comforted me afterwards and I felt so silly at the fact that I'm an adult woman who is too messed up to even take a simple pregnancy test; I rather just have Shizune check for me so it's less anxiety-inducing.

Shizune soon entered the room with the proper materials and began to perform the ultrasound. I closed my eyes too fearful to look at the screen as Sasuke tightly clenched onto my trembling hand; my body insanely shaking with utter fear.

Five minutes went by as a gasp suddenly escaped Shizune's lips.

"Sakura, you're sixteen weeks pregnant... with a baby girl."

Author Note: Been meaning to write this chapter forever, sorry for the delay but thanks for reading. :D Hope you all have a nice day and please review! Thank you .