Chapter 8:

Ichigo opened the door to his room. After the annual Spring Dinner at Gotei 13, he had gone straight home. He was beyond pissed off that Orihime had almost screwed Byakuya. The hurt he had felt turned into sheer anger and annoyance. When he had returned to the table, he had completely ignored a confrontation, much less a discussion about what he had witnessed. She had tried to bring it up, but he had shut her down before she had a chance to even utter the first word of her lengthy explanation.

"Forget it Inoue it's your business" He had said those words very coldly. Without caring that he had hurt her. The look on her face was of pure disbelief. As if she couldn't believe why he was acting the way he was. Disbelief soon turned into sadness and hurt. She had opened her mouth to protest, but Ichigo had smiled at her and put his full attention on Rukia for remainder of the night. He had purposely done it so he could feel the same heartache he had felt when he saw her in Byakuya's arms.

He laid down on his twin sized bed, still deep in thought. Why was Byakuya suddenly so interested in Orihime? He was not her type. He was cold, ignorant, condescending -.He felt a pillow hit him square in his face.

"Goddamn it Rukia! You could just say my name and I'll listen to you." He didn't say this in his normal angry tone. He had spoken these words gently.

Rukia stared at him. Was this the same Ichigo she knew? She cleared her throat. He turned his head to face her while she sat on her bed, which was in his closet.

"What" He was grumpy.

"What's wrong Ichigo?" She asked.

"What do you mean 'what's wrong'? Nothing's wrong Rukia". He didn't want her to know what he was thinking.

"Well if nothing's wrong, the moment I threw that pillow at you, you would have been fighting with me"

"Rukia…" She wasn't a girl that just dropped things. Besides, she knew him to well not to notice something was off about him.

She arched her eyebrow. She looked like a teacher waiting for the latest excuse by a student who forgot to do his homework again. He sighed in defeat. She always won.

"Fine" He sat up on his bed and put his head in his hands. "I'm having a hard time with my feelings." She was bewildered. She always thought that the only things Ichigo had an interest in were: training, protecting and school. She never thought that he had time to think about feelings.

"What kind of feelings" She asked

Boy, this is a struggle. Ichigo gulped. "Regarding someone. Someone who I could have deep feelings for". Her eyes widened. It couldn't be. Could he really feel for her? Rukia, who was flat chested, small and tomboyish. Who wasn't feminine in anyway, especially compared to the voluptuous Orihime. She felt optimistic at this moment. She had always loved Ichigo more than a friend. Way more than a friend. Ever since he had rescued her from being executed by Ni-sama, she had felt nothing but love for him. But up until now, she had buried it inside her because she thought he was more interested in Orihime.

"Someone?" She inquired. Please let it be her. Please let it.

"Rukia...I" It was hard enough saying the first few sentences.

"You what Ichigo?" She said shakily. The room a little too hot now.

He parted his lips to say Orihime, but something made him stop. If she loved you Ichigo, she wouldn't have been in Byakuya's arms, ready to be deflowered by him. She wouldn't jerk you around. Maybe it's time he does something to forget about her for awhile. And who better a candidate then Rukia.

"Maybe it's you Rukia." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wanted to take them back.

Rukia was stunned. It is me isn't it? She was so shocked that she had completely ignored the 'maybe'. She didn't know what to say, but she knew what she should do. She wanted to do this for a very long time. She jumped off her bed and knelt in front of him. He hadn't raised his head since he had begun talking.

"Ichigo look at me" She said softly.

He raised his head and leveled his eyes to hers. She cupped his face in her hands and leaned forward ever so slightly and closed her large, violet eyes. Ichigo swallowed hard. He was no fool. She really thought it was her he had feelings for. He stared at her. She looked like she was yearning to be touched. And just maybe he was yearning to touch her to. But, that was the problem. He wasn't sure where he stood with her. Confusion racked his body. If he turned her down, things would never be the same between him and her, but if he didn't, Orihime…Wait Orihime is the one who started all of this. She didn't deserve him, he thought bitterly.

With that last thought, he kissed Rukia. The kiss was delicate at first, but as emotions rushed through Ichigo, he got aggressive. He pulled her onto his lap and deepened the kiss. The kiss was a mixture of passion, anger, and lust. Rukia was equally as assertive as him. This is the moment she had waited for ever since she had started developing feelings for him. He broke their kiss.

"What's wrong" Rukia asked breathlessly.

He looked into her eyes. "Is this what we really want Rukia? Is this right?" Hesitation was taking over him.

With utmost certainty, she said "Yes." That said, she kissed him back.

Chapter 9:

"Orihime…What's gotten you so upset?" Came Tatsuki's voice from behind. Orihime blinked open her eyes trying to clear her mind from thoughts of the Annual Dinner night. It had been a disaster of a night for her. First she had gotten rejected by Byakuya. Then Ichigo had treated her with animosity for the remainder of the night. And the cherry on top: Ulquiorra, who had shown unannounced. But what had her most worried was her friendship with Ichigo. Not only had he completely shown the cold shoulder to her, but he had ignored for the remainder of their weekend. And now here she was, sitting in class, with her eyes closed, a pensive expression on her beautiful face, thinking and thinking. Perhaps even waiting for Ichigo.

"N...nothing Suki-chan. I'm just tired." Orihime answered nervously and a bit absently.

Tatsuki, who had known Orihime since they were in middle school, knew Orihime was lying. She sat in the empty chair facing Orihime. Leaning back and crossing her hands in front of her chest, she looked Orihime straight in the eyes.

"Tired from what?" she asked suspiciously. Let's see how far she's going to carry the lie.

Orihime scrunched her eyebrows together, thinking real hard about what to say without giving away the real reason. "Well, the advanced chemistry class's homework is taking a toll on my tiny mind. We have this big mid-term to prepare for and I want to do my best. So I have been staying up nights, studying. You know how studying is right? You cram and cram stuff into your head till you explode." Oh shoot, she was babbling.

Tatsuki arched a thin black eyebrow. A babbling Orihime, usually meant, a nervous and 'im trying to hide something' Orihime.

"Orihime, can you please not lie to me? I mean we are best friends. And friends tell each other everything. Not only do you look tired, but you look upset and preoccupied with your thoughts." Orihime opened her mouth to protest, but Tatsuki raised a hand to silence her. "And please don't bullshit me with the whole 'I have been studying wee late into nights' excuse because we all know chemistry does not really upset people to the point of depression." She said sternly.

Orihime dropped her head. Tears glazed over her eyes. It hurt so much. She just wanted Ichigo to talk to her. Blinking her tears back, she looked up at Tatsuki. Her best friend knew her well. A bitter smile hugged her face. If only Ichigo knew when something was wrong with her. If only he cared enough to pay attention to her like he did with Rukia.

"Suki-chan, I believe I am in great trouble. I…I" She couldn't find the words to explain to her what exactly had gotten her upset. She didn't want to tell anyone about Byakuya and Ulquiorra because it would cause more problems.

"Orihime, spit it out. Come on." Tatsuki urged her. Something in her kept telling her that all of Orihime's problem center around the oblivious Ichigo.

"Is this about Ichigo?" She asked rather harshly. Ichigo was very clueless when it came to Orihime and her feelings. And it pissed her to no tomorrow that Ichigo continued to ignore the obvious signs of Orihime's love.

Orihime clutched the desk corners she was sitting as if she was bracing herself for the answer. "No. It doesn't involve him. Like I said it's the chemistry mid-"Her eyes wandered to the front door of the class. Renji walked in first, wearing a sardonic smile on his face and said hi to Ishida, Chad and her.

"Orihime, what's with the glum look on your face?" He asked concerned.

"Oh nothing it's this-"

"Horrible chemistry mid-term that has gotten her so upset" Tatsuki said in a mocking tone. Renji stared at both of them in confusion. What the hell is up with these two?

Leaning back in his chair, with his hands behind his head, Renji said. "Well Orihime you should take it easy. I mean like you are a good student so don't sweat it." Tatsuki looked at Renji and rolled her eyes. Dumbass, she thought disgusted. Meanwhile Orihime's eyes had wandered back to the front door. She felt his presence. Ichigo walked in with his usual scowled face, with his hands in his pockets. She looked up at him and caught his eyes. They held their eye contact. She stood up and started walking towards him. Her eyes silently pleading for forgiveness, for empathy, for acknowledgement. Ichigo's scowl had grown deeper. He looked severely displeased. He didn't want to talk to her. He couldn't talk to her. As Orihime reached out to touch his hand, she said "Kurosaki-Kun. I want to apologize. I..."

"Ichigo!" said Rukia, as she walked cheerfully.

Ichigo was glad for Rukia's interruption. He couldn't face Orihime yet. Not after what had happened between him and Rukia. He closed his eyes, and tried to calm himself down.

"Yeah?" he said casually. Rukia walked beside him. What she did next surprised everyone in the class. While looking at Ichigo, she put her small hand in his. A slow smile spread across her face. Orihime stared in astonishment. This couldn't be happening. It was like the wind had been knocked out of her.

"Shit" Tatsuki muttered.

Ichigo opened his eyes and looked at Rukia. And what he saw in Rukia's eyes scared him. He saw love. She looked so happy. She was glowing with happiness today. A collective gasp was heard in the classroom. Tatsuki hurried to the front of the classroom. This is gonna turn ugly. I have to get her out of here. Orihime kept her eyes on both of them. It was as if time had stilled. She felt darkness around her and the only thing she saw was Rukia's hand in Ichigo's and the love she was radiating. Her heartbeat slowed, she couldn't hear anything except Rukia calling out to Ichigo in a lover's voice. The room started spinning. "Ichigo!" Rukia's voice came again and again. Orihime put her hands to the side of her head, trying to shut off the voice. How could he do this to her? She loved him. He was supposed to be with her. Why? Why!Why! Ichigo!Why! A hurricane of thoughts raced through her mind. Then suddenly she felt Tatsuki's hand on her shoulder. The darkness shattered and time commenced once more.

"We need to go Orihime" said Tatsuki while physically pushing Orihime out the classroom.

Ichigo kept looking at Rukia. He wouldn't dare bring himself to see Orihime's face. He had felt her hurt.

The girls from the class rushed to the front, wanting to know what was the deal between Rukia and Ichigo. Were they an Item? Were they dealing now? So Ichigo did love Rukia. One smirked. Rukia giggled. She was high on love.

"Are you dating now guys?" a school girl asked eagerly.

Rukia hugged Ichigo's arm and grinned like she had won the lottery. "Yes, we are". All Ichigo heard was the yes part. What have I done? He looked at Rukia's profile. She looked so happy. So in love. Guilt hit him hard in the gut.

All the while Renji had watched the drama unfold in front his eyes. Hurt pooled in his heart. He stood up abruptly knocking over the desk. As he hurried to get out of the classroom, he caught Ichigo's eyes for a brief moment. The message in them was clear.

"How could you do this to her? How could you do this to me?"

Chapter 10:

"Orihime talk to me please" pleaded Tatsuki. The whole scene that had taken place in class had her bewildered and angry. She wanted to kick Ichigo's ass for hurting Orihime. Twenty minutes had past as they stood in the school's stairway. Orihime sat up against the wall, with her knees drawn to her chest, her head down. Her lovely auburn hair scattered around shoulders and covered her face. Tatsuki was worried. Though Orihime always hid her feelings and put on a brave face, she was highly sensitive, especially if it involved Ichigo.

Tatsuki was pacing back and forth. "Orihime I know you love Ichigo. Hell, the whole school knows. But somehow that idiot doesn't know it and for him to pull that stunt in front of the whole class is just cruel. Orihime what the hell happened between you two this weekend? For him to suddenly show up like that and have Rukia hold his hand. Something must have pushed him to do it?" No response. Orihime sat still. She wasn't thinking. She wasn't feeling. She was numb. Tatsuki squatted in front of Orihime and shook her knees.

"Orihime please. I can help. But you have to tell me what happened between you and him. Please Orihime. Help me help you." She said softly. She felt so bad for her. This was the same girl who always put others needs first before her own. She didn't deserve this. Orihime raised her head. Her eyes were dry and empty. She stood up and started walking down the stairs. She looked wounded.

"Orihime wait! Don't walk away like this! Let me help you!" said Tatsuki.

Orihime paused, and without looking at her she said "It's too late. He hates me. This is entirely my fault."

As Tatsuki reached for her, she began her decent down the stairs, wondering why in the world had she chosen to go look for Byakuya in the first place.

Orihime walked through the door of her apartment soaked and torpid. She didn't feel anything. Everything felt empty. Completely empty and blank. She couldn't fathom how Ichigo had done what he had to her. She discarded her bag near the door. Thunder rumbled low in the dark sky. She took off her shoes and went to the kitchen. She found the usual rigid Ulquiorra leaning against the marble counter sipping on his very black and bitter coffee.

Without a word she turned around and left the kitchen. Ulquiorra's frown deepened. Humans are very complicated, he thought vainly. She seemed different today. Not her chirpy and optimistic self. She seemed very empty and glum. It was as if a dark cloud was hovering over her. Ulquiorra set his coffee mug down. The coffee tasted really good. It gave him a rush through his veins he hadn't felt before. He was not tired because he had nothing to do. The woman hadn't discussed anything with him so far. She had fallen asleep while he waited for her. However, she did wake up the next morning, distraught, saying that she had homework to complete therefore she couldn't discuss anything. But she did say that he could make himself at home.

Since he had arrived, he had felt something was off about Orihime. She didn't smile for any reason. She seemed always lost in thoughts. And by the looks of her face, the thoughts were bad and worrisome. It was funny. No matter how hard she tried to hide her feeling, her face would give it away. She was a bad liar. A very bad one. But she was an honest and earnest human, and for some odd reason Ulquiorra respected that in her.

Ulquiorra made his way to her room and opened her door. No use knocking. She wouldn't hear it. He found her standing in front on her window. Staring at the cascading rain hit the pavement and her. The scene looked bizarre to him. Orihime had always been so keen on keeping things clean, yet here she was window ajar and standing right in front of it.

"Mhmm…You know it is very rude of you to not greet me when you came from school."

No response. She kept her grey eyes on the rain. The sound of thunder rippled through the room. Ulquiorra stepped closer to her. Hands in his pockets, he said: "This is quite out of character for you". His statement was met with another sound of thunder. Stepping right beside her, he felt the rain and wind. It was cold. But it wasn't as cold as Orihime's demeanor.

"What is the matter woman? You seem very distant." He asked, while looking at her profile. This woman was very beautiful. She had doe-like features, which the flash of lightning lit up. She stood silently. Her full attention focused on the storm outside her window. She must be really upset. I bet this has something to do with Ichigo Kurosaki, he thought. "Answer me human" He said. But the green eyed espada's demand went unnoticed. Instead, she had turned to him and looked at him. Ulquiorra's eyes widened slightly because her eyes seemed empty of any emotion. Was this the same girl who looked to me with hope and sheer determination in her stormy eyes?

"Your eyes. They seem vacant." He told her. Orihime looked at the ground. The numbness was wearing off. She couldn't hold it in. The initial shock of what she had witnesses in the classroom was subsiding. She opened her mouth to say something. But only a squeak came out. It was like she had become mute. But that wasn't the case. It was the fact that she couldn't muster up words to sum up what was wrong with her. Ulquiorra felt her heaving for an explanation. He bought her chin up and looked into her eyes. The emptiness was fast becoming anguish. Orihime was shaking in his grasp. Tears glazed over her eyes. Her lips started to quiver. Emotions started brewing in her. Stop it! Don't cry in front of him! Don't cry for him Orihime! She begged herself desperately.

"What's wrong Orihime? Tell me what is bothering you. What has you so over wroth?" He asked in gentle tone. And that is when the walls Orihime had built to protect her from feeling what she was dreading, came crashing around her. It was the concern in his voice that had made her melt. She dropped her head to his chest and started to sob softly. Ulquiorra was overwhelmed. He felt wetness spread across his chest. She was crying.

"I…I….why ..why" She shook her head side to side while clutching his shirt. "Why did he do this?" She said softly, choking her words out. Ulquiorra felt something inside him come alive. He felt bad. Bad because she was crying. Without a second thought, he put his hands around her and pulled her close to him. He was holding her while her body racked with hurt. Both of them stood there in the rain, while the wind furiously blew. "Why couldn't he see…how could I be .ss…blind" She had been so blinded by her desire to help Byakuya. Her desire to be touched by him that she had tarnished everything. Ulquiorra's grip tightened around her as if he was trying to protect her from all the bad in the world.

As he stood there he wondered, with faint aggravation, if in fact the very man who had promised to protect her from the grips of death, was the same man that was responsible for causing her this much pain.

Chapter 11:

Renji slammed his cup down so hard that half his sake sloshed on the counter. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he burped. The sensation of the sake was comforting him in a weird way.

"Ayyy Abarai! What has gotten you so excited!?" said a very flirty Matsumoto. She put her thin arm around his shoulder and seductively leaned close to his face. The angle provided him with a delicious view of her huge bosom. He normally enjoyed viewing her cleavage, but today he wasn't enjoying anything. Not since what had happened in school.

"Nothing special. I just felt like drikin' today." He replied casually. In truth he wanted to drown himself in booze so he could forget about Ichigo and Rukia. Especially her. His relaxed faced soon turned into an angry expression. Agitated and heated, he took another drink of his sake.

"Woahhhhhh there slugger. Slow down before you choke!" exclaimed Matsumoto. He usually didn't drink like this.

"Leave me alone Matsumoto." He said in a low tone.

"Jeez no need to get your panties in a knot. Anyways, I have to get some beauty rest. My girls are hurting me." She said while patting her breasts. She turned and started walking away. But a thought hit her suddenly.

"Oh yeahh! Did you know that Ichigo and Rukia are a thing now!" When she had walked into their classroom, she saw Rukia giggling like a school girl hanging onto a scowling Ichigo's arm. The scene had warmed her heart. It was always good to see people in love.

"Isn't it great?! I mean we all knew Rukia and Ichigo secretly liked one another." She was so excited for them

'Oh it's great all right. It's toooooo great" Renji's spat bitterly. Ichigo had some fucking nerve moving up on Rukia. Rangiku stopped smiling.

"Aren't you happy?" She asked confused.

Renji got up and span around. A sardonic smile hugged his sharp features.

"Of course I am! Cant' you see? I'm celebrating for that inconsiderate bastard" He said raising his glass in the air for cheers. I need to leave before I snap, he thought. He dropped the glass on the ground and headed towards the door. I need to cool off before I do something stupid.

"Renji are you okay?" Matsumoto asked. She had had a couple of drinks, but she wasn't a fool. She saw how sarcastic and spiteful Renji's tone had been.

"Everything's great! It's a-fucking-okay! Cheers to the couple!" He exclaimed loudly as he exited out of the bar. Sure the hell everything was okay! It was fantastic. Because seeing my best friend, the love of my life in another man's arms really makes me happy, he thought angrily as he walked through the rain.

Chapter 12:

Byakuya got up from his oak desk and went to the large window which occupied most of chamber's wall. The rain drizzled against the window. It was cold outside. So cold that its condensation spread like frost on the window. He could feel the chill even though he wasn't on the other side of the window. Byakuya bought his hands together close to his mouth, to warm them from his breath. It had been raining ever since the Spring Annual Dinner. It was as if the gods upstairs were upset. Upset with a particular person. Maybe he is upset with me. Maybe it's Hisana crying, Byakuya thought wishfully. He still regretted what had happened between him and the auburn-haired girl. How could he lose control and let her know of his lust for her. How could he lust after her in the first place?

The woman's a temptress. She couldn't be trusted simply because he couldn't trust himself around her. Truth was every time he was around Orihime his libido would start to act up. Yearning would rush through his body. His blood pressure would increase within a matter of seconds. And his cock would want to greet her in a very inappropriate manner. These feelings which laid dormant ever since Hisana had passed away, made him uneasy. Even right now standing near the window, feeling the chill from outside, he felt desire tug his heart. Just thinking about Orihime made his heart beat a little faster and made his male organ throb uncontrollably.

After he had let go of her abruptly at the Annual Dinner, he had walked back tensely to his residing quarters, only to find himself underneath a bone chilling shower. Despite the freezing temperature cooling the outer layer of his body, inside he was on fire. His boner refused to die down. It took almost an hour for him to relax and the candle of yearning to dim.

He sighed. She was not worth losing his peace of mind over. Well, at least what was left of it. Putting his signature scarf around his neck, he let himself out of his chamber. As he locked up, he saw Renji from the corner of his eye.

Why the hell does he look like that? "Renji, why do were such a sullen look on your already sharp and menacing looking face?" Byakuya asked with no particular emotion.

"Oh..ummm..Nothing Captain Kuchiki. Just tired" Reni stammered. Damn did i really look that depressed? If anything, I should be more angry then depressed, he thought to himself.

Byakuya stood tall and stopped by Renji. With his back him, he said "Renji I understand if you wish to not disclose the source of your sullenness, however do me a favor and come up with a better excuse for near future for I am no more convinced of you actually being tired." With that said, he took to more steps.

"One more thing Renji. Whatever that is bothering you should not interfere with your duties as a Shinigami." He said briskly.

"Well I would love to forget about it but your goddamn sister is what's bothering me" Renji muttered under his breath.

"Rukia..?" Byakuya started to inquire, when he felt a familiar reistu settle in the air of Gotei 13.

"Well, I gotta go now Captain. Gotta get same rest so I can fully concentrate on my duties.' Renji flashed a quick smile even though Byakuya no longer cared for what he had to say. Uneasiness settled into his stomach. He left his chamber hall quickly and rushed outside to find the source of his uneasiness.

He stopped short from stepping on the bridge. He was drenched. The rain had picked aggression on his way to his garden. Byakuya saw her stand there. She was looking right at him. Something was different. She wasn't wearing the innocent, sweet smile she usually wore. She looked glum. Her beautiful auburn hair blew wildly in the wind.

"How did you get here?"

He saw her lips tremble. "It's all your fault." She said shakily.

He stepped onto the bridge. "What are you talking about?" He was genuinely confused.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about you bastard". He recoiled. Did the kind, innocent, benevolent Orihime just utter a profanity?

"I am not going to put up with this behavior young lady" He said dismissively. He did not have to deal with her. Her lack of respect was very insulting. He turned and started walking away. I should destroy the garden, he thought bitterly.

"I shouldn't have put up with your behavior. From the very start I should have ignored you. I shouldn't have gone out my way to make you feel better. To help you. " She spat back.

He stopped walking. His eyes widened in disbelief. Had her manners gone out the window?

"What exactly have I done to you?" He said in a low tone. Within a second he was near her. She jerked back and fell to the ground.

"I…I…" Orihime was grasping for words.

He looked down on her. His presence was intimidating to the point it made her want to crawl under a rock. But she couldn't go back.

"You what?" He said. Byakuya could see the tears mixed with the cold rain on her pretty face.

Orihime kept her head hung down. Why was she here? For what? Being here wouldn't make anything better with Ichigo. She had been fuming just moments ago, but now only hopelessness hummed inside her.

"I told you to stay away from me. I told you I hate you. Please stay away. For the sake of your and my sanity." He said softly. He wanted to reach out to her and ask her what was wrong, but it was not his place to do so. Byakuya turned away from her.

"Do you hate me in your dreams Byakuya-sama? When you are touching me?" Came Orihime's voice. She stood up clutching her arm.

Byakuya mouth went dry. He swallowed. He couldn't move.

"Do you hate me when you are kissing me in your dreams?" She started walking closer to him.

His breathing became labored.

"It's not me you hate Byakuya. It's the thought you wanting another women that you hate" She leaned her head on his broad shoulders. The physical contact made Byakuya realize how much he wanted to touch her.

"But Byakuya, I am beginning to despise this whole situation you have created. Because...of you..." Her breathing hitched.

"Because of you...I might have lost someone I love most dearly. And it's all because of you and I. I should have known better to come to you and see you" She said remorsefully.

Byakuya closed his eyes. He shouldn't care what his actions had done to her. He shouldn't care about her period, but he did.

"Do you want me Byakuya? I am tired of playing games. Really tired. I have nothing left to lose. I wish I did though" She said with a sniffle.

Byakuya turned to face her and looked her in the eyes. He saw regret, sadness and loneliness in them. It was the same feelings he was felt on a daily basis. Brushing a tear off her cheek, he said "I do. Believe me I do, but I cannot complicate things furthermore. I cannot do this to my wife. To whom my heart belongs to." He was trying to convince himself more than her. Hurt instantly hit Orihime. She pushed his hand away, started walking backwards while shaking her head.

"So you listen to me Byakuya Kuchiki, Honorable Captain of 6th division. I want you to stay away from me! Do you hear me?! Stay away from me. If you don't want me then don't start something that you cannot finish!" With that said, she ran away crying through his garden.

Byakuya stood there processing what she had just said. A dreadful thought crossed his mind.

Maybe he had just lost the woman who could have saved him from his grief and loathing. Maybe he had lost the woman whom he could have loved.