The Biggest and Best Mistake of My Life.

Rated- T/R-16

Summary: I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. A lot of times with my one, very best friend. But if you ask me, this was by far the worst of them all.

Written because of a prompt given from one of my favorite tumblr accounts.

Disclaimer- I only own my iPod. Which used to write this.

If you ask me who I care for more than anyone in the whole world, I would tell you Lovino Vargas. One-hundred percent- okay, it's a lot closer to eighty-five or something, but a lot of my time, energy and thoughts go into making sure Lovi is feeling the best he can. Because that's what best friends do for each other! And I'm pretty sure Lovino really feels the same towards me! Well... most of the time.

You see... I'm also kind of head over heels madly in love with Lovi. And I'm sure he doesn't return that feeling... But I can't give up hope, because sometimes I really think I could convince him to love me. Most the time I'm just really good at messing it up though.

Like one time when we went to hang out at his house and we were doing homework so his brother would actually leave us alone (Feliciano is a totally different topic I'd rather not discuss. He's a huge damper to Lovi's spirits sometimes...)- anyway, we were goofing off again, being stupid boys, and I made Lovino laugh so hard he almost stopped breathing. Which I probably would have been freaking out about had I not been laughing at the fact his face was bright red. Or been lost in the sound of his rare, wonderful laugh, or the way he squeaked whenever he tried to start talking again, or- I could really go on. Sometimes I wonder if God saw my sucky past and sent Lovi as an angel to help me get better.

But I ruined the moment; as soon as my adorable Italian friend calmed down, I told him how much I loved his laugh. He grew bright red again, which made me worry he was going to yell at me or start laughing again. But... he didn't say anything except for me to shut up... Things were awkward after that, even once we had gotten back into the swing of things.

And another time, when we were celebrating New Years together. Lovino and Feliciano's grandfather had invited basically the whole neighborhood to his huge Roman-style manor- my mom, siblings and I included. I'd say half of the school was there, but it was the better half. I spent some time with Francis and Gilbert until they forced me to have some of the champaign going around before the ball dropped. Granted that was about an hour away, but thinking it was just the non-alcoholic stuff my mom usually got, I had a few glasses.

Thinking back on that, I really should have known that Franny telling me to drink anything I didn't watch him pour was a mistake. But it had felt good- wonderful to have such a warm fizzy feeling inside me. Almost as wonderful as the feeling I got from Lovino when he was smiling or laughing or just being himself...

Lovi had some champaign too. He had more of a tolerance, since his grandpa actually let him drink alcohol freely. I hadn't known until that night, when we were taking a break from the party back in his room. He had brought back a bottle with him, and we took turns drinking until it was empty. He complemented me on holding it so well since I was basically a- what did he call it? An alcohol virgin?

Anyway, it sent me into a fit of giggles, which made him start laughing again. I would have sat longer and listen to the wonderful sound had the chiming of the house counting down the seconds to midnight not interrupted my thoughts. We exchanged a nervous glance- well I was nervous, I don't know if Lovino really was, but counted down the seconds ourselves.

Five...

Four...

Our fingers were tangled together, both hands, the empty champaign bottle still gripped tightly.

Three...

I knew I was blushing when I leaned forward, knowing I just wanted to feel his lips. Just for a second, and I could blame it on the stupid New Years tradition if he hated me.

Two...

His eyes were locked with mine, those gorgeous, hazel-green eyes. I realized he had a ring of gold circling the outer band, a warm, deep green not unlike my own eye color wrapped softly around his pupil. And all of those beautiful mixing colors and shades I could stare at forever and just watch them change-

One-

The bottle dropped.

Out of all the things I could do, and how damn close I was to actually feeling him and what did I do but let go of the fucking bottle!

It didn't break, thankfully, but the moment was ruined. I still tried to laugh it off, and if I say so myself, I at least covered it up well. Lovino simply smiled softly, picking the bottle up and pulling me forward and back into the party.

Twice I royally messed up.

And the last time was probably the worst idea- the worst choice I have EVER made in my life. I- I mean, just because I've got the urge to do something doesn't mean I have to act on it. And it didn't have to go that far!

It was the summer before my senior year and Lovi and I were in his backyard. If maybe you wonder why we never go to my house, it's because it's a perpetual mess. I've got one-thousand (actually only three) siblings and one mom (and sometimes my uncle) to take care of them.

Anyway, we were just lying out and watching the clouds go by. Somehow our fingers had found each other and were tangled up again, Lovino's thumb and index finger running over the steadily building calluses guitar playing and gardening got me.

"You're gonna be a fucking senior. Then you're going to go to some college and leave me here in this stupid school with all of my enemies, all by myself," Lovino said softly.

"I'm not going to college, remember? Too dumb. I'm helping mom at the diner so we can pay for my little siblings schooling. They have a shot-"

"And you don't?" Needless to say, we argued about that for a while. I got him to admit that he cared for me, and we fell silent. My ever random mind brought up a thought to mind, causing me to chuckle.

"What's so funny? C'mon bastard, tell me!"

"I just... most the time when people are seniors, they've got all this experience and are ready for the real world. I don't feel like that... Hell, I'm still a virgin-"

"Don't lie to me. I know you and that girl you dated a few years ago-"

"Annalise?"

"Yeah the stuck up bitch. Anyway, I'm positive you two fucked."

"No. She said that because she wanted to make me look bad in front of the school, but it never happened. I'm... surprised you actually believe that..." My tone dropped.

"I wanted to see if you were telling the truth, s-so shut up..." A few more minutes passed before Lovino admitted he didn't have his innocence any longer.

"Emma... when we were really serious... I thought I loved her, and that she loved me. But... I wasn't her first, and it turned out she lost interest soon after that. Honestly I don't blame her. We were never really the right kind of pair. But a part of me had hoped, maybe once we had crossed that bridge she'd come to her senses. Realize it wasn't wrong to love me back..." A few tears fell from his eyes and rolled lazily into the grass.

I sat up, twisting our fingers slowly so my hand was over top of his, and leaned forward, pressing our lips together. Softly, carefully, hoping he would return something. I expected the initial stiffness, but instead of the muffled pleas I would think would come next (because obviously Lovi wasn't into men- not into me), I felt cooperation, a soft sigh escaping his throat. We moved in sync, drawing the contact out until finally I had to pull back for breath.

The smile, the way his hair simply faded into the long, soft blades of grass, even the rim of red, puffy skin cause by his tears- it was what made a beautiful sight in front of me. And then...

"Toño..." Hearing my name like that made me want to kiss him again, "would... you like me to show you?"

Just because it was my worst decision ever didn't mean I am the one who instigated the situation...

I leaned back, watching a frown and doubt flash across Lovino's face. They were such a bad combination for him, and I took both of his hands and stood, walking back towards the house, "if you're going to be my first, I at least want to be in a bed or something. Not, ya know, the lawn?" A bubbling chuckle tumbled from his soft lips, and I almost couldn't hold myself back then. Kitchen tables worked, right?

His bedroom wasn't exactly clean, but it's not like it needed to be. Didn't matter that the bed was still unmade and there were pillows everywhere. The only thing I cared about- we cared about- were the soft kisses that came, pressed against me as if my skin were made of porcelain.

It didn't stay that way after I felt Lovino's teeth and let out a loud moan. The affection grew more rough, but I didn't mind. I was loving it, craving his touch more and more as time continued to tick by. The new sounds I began to hear for my Lovi pushed a few of my favorite things about him down the list a bit. The looks he gave me before diving in for another kiss, caress or touch- like I was water and he had been lost in the desert- maybe that knocked off a couple things as well.

Just because it was the worst decision of my life didn't mean that I didn't enjoy ever second of it. I was expecting the pain, and maybe just a little bit of the same pleasure I got from the kisses and gentle touches, but not the euphoric rush the swam through my system as soon as he began. Granted he had done it wrong, but it was Lovino's first time with a man, and I was more than glad to be a first for him. And to have him be mine. To have him continue to kiss me, even when we had made a mess of the sheets and blankets. To have him help me up and into his arms, where he whispered things I'd never hear from the Italian: compliments, thanks and... love? He- he loved me?

I don't know if I had ever felt so protected before in my life. Lovino was certainly my angel from God, and I was glad to be able to have him return my feelings.

Except... he didn't.

The summer passed and we never saw each other again. He never returned a call or text, and two weeks later when I went to see what was wrong, I was greeted by an unusually quiet 'Grandpa Rome'. Lovino wasn't home, because Lovino was enrolled in a private school the next city over. He and Feli both had to live on campus, and with neither of us having a car, seeing each other would have been impossible. It didn't answer why he hadn't told me, though. Why he hadn't at least said something before taking off and leaving me behind, lost and very broken. I hadn't felt like this since my dad had left, and even then, it didn't hurt as much as this did.

Senior year, which should have been my best, was horrible. I had no goal anymore, no reason to keep going. I was just going to work in shitty jobs the rest of my life anyway. I'd never actually get anything for being a musician, so it was the diner or some factory where I'd build cars. For the rest of my life. Without my Lovino to help me keep smiling, or to tell me things would work out. No one to help me stay on course for my classes, or to be there super late after soccer games and practices.

I lost my best friend, and maybe if I just hadn't given into my wants that day, he might still be here. The thing was... would I have really done things differently?

So there you have it. Just how I lost my best friend because I loved him. And I was too stupid to not see that he really hadn't loved me back...

But it gets better, I swear. Life keeps ticking away, and soon it's been four years since I graduated. I'm twenty three, still working at the diner with my mother, playing my guitar for tips whenever I have the time. My little brother is going to at least have something to fall back on, and low and behold, dad shows up to start paying child support. He felt guilty, but not enough to actually pay for his kids' college. Just enough so mom and I can keep the house from falling apart while we try to figure out how to put the other two through school.

Oh, and not once in four years did I ever get one text, one email, one fucking letter. Nothing to even show that Lovino even knew my name. A part of me was ready to erase him from every part of my past- every picture and birthday card and even the stupid memories that came back every night. And that was the problem. I've known him for eight years of my life, not counting these past four... I found it almost impossible to get over it and move on.

It was just life now, living and trudging through and flirting with girls to try and keep my mom from being suspicious. Never having enough courage or money to do anything more than maybe a date here or there, or to get laid by a few random women from a few different club trips. Francis and Gilbert were at the town's Uni, helping me fuel my half-conscious cycle of denial and lies and sex.

For my twenty-fourth birthday, we spent the night bar hopping a few towns up, planning on getting completely wasted and /then/ hitting the clubs. For the most part, it was a success.

Until my life threw in another curve ball, and he just happened to be dancing with another group of guys and girls. Five years really changes a person, and never in my life did I think Lovi look more beautiful. He was no longer the lanky, clumsy teen with hair the teachers just dared him to grow out a little longer. The baby fat in his face was gone, leaving behind a thin jawline and making me wonder if he really did lose it all, or if it had just moved to that perfect, constantly swaying ass of his.

Whether it was a conscious action on my part or not, I made my way through the crowd, a slow hand pressing it's self against the side of one of the Italian's hips. His gaze shot to my side, and just seeing those eyes made me grin.

I didn't expect him to freeze up the way he did. After all of the years and all his bitching, Lovi had finally gotten an inch on me. His hair was still close to the same style as it had been the last I saw him, but never neatly combed down with... gel? Oh well, it's not like it didn't suit him. Everything suited him. Even the neon glow of the lights still strobing around us.

"You gonna keep staring at me like that, or do you just not remember who I am?" I asked, deciding to let myself play around. Let him feel bad, let him realize what he did, and how much he really missed me.

It took a few moments, but soon Lovi responded, his face twisted into a scowl, "of course I know who the hell you are! And get your damn hands off of me!" It hurt, but even as my hands were pushed off of his hips, they wrapped around his waist. Damn, he really had lost something here. Maybe he finally started working out.

"Oh, but that's not what you said the last time we were together," I pulled him forward, having to step back to keep my balance, and slowly pushed our hips together, "If I remember correctly, you didn't want me to stop touching you."

"I- I-" his face went blank before Lovino's anger returned and he pushed me away.

"Fucking pervert, you reek of alcohol," he wouldn't meet my gaze.

"Well, shouldn't you be used to that. I'm going to have to take you away from your harem for a second," I grabbed at his wrist, casually winking at one of girls still dancing behind him.

"They aren't my fucking harem, and you aren't taking me anywhere!" Dragging him off of the dance floor, it was easy to see that no, Lovi had not been working out. Maybe he ran or something, but there wasn't much else to say otherwise,

"Antonio, let to of me!"

"No," I kept my voice to a low growl, taking Lovino as far as the security would let me go before thinking I was kidnapping him. The growl had shut him up, but didn't keep him from struggling, "not until you tell me what the hell happened these last fou-" fuck- "five years."

His face was unusually pale and serious, "what the hell do you think happened? I had to move-"

"You didn't even tell me! Nothing, for five whole years, to even say that you were even alive!"

"It's not like that..." He nearly whispered.

"Like what? That I gave myself to you and trusted you and what do you do but move on without me!"

"I didn't have a choice!"

"Lovi, you always have a choice!"

"No, I didn't! You don't even know what happened!"

"Maybe so, but that doesn't mean anything!"

"Look, it's not like it fucking matters anyway! Obviously you're still living, aren't you!"

I laughed, not expecting it to sound so dark. When did I get so mean? Was that just because of the alcohol, or was this really who I was? "Living? You call this living? I've been working for the past four years just trying to forget you. Forget you and everything you've ever done for me. Do you know what Hell feels like, Lovi? It's when you finally love someone and have something to hold onto, and it just disappears, gone without a trace, leaving you to pick up where you left off."

"You didn't fucking love me...! Y-you just- we are- we were just friends. I thought you didn't want to be a damn virgin anymore and I was the easiest thing to get fucked by in the area-" what? Hold on... who was the oblivious one here?

"Are you dumb?!" Lovino flinched and I immediately regretted yelling. My hand went to his face, thumb slowly tracing along his jawline, "I... I just don't know how you didn't think I loved you..."

"No one loves me."

"And that's why you won't love anyone back? Why you won't get close to people? And the one time you found someone who did love you, you got scared and ran off. Didn't you?" I had to force myself to let go of his face before I did something stupid. Hell, me just talking to him was something stupid. I should have been forgetting this kid, and here I was, forcing an explanation out of him.

"You're fucking right! Do you want a medal or something?!" Lovino glared at me, spitting back in the same tone I had used, "I left because I was afraid! That it'd be just like Emma, and I would have to feel happy for you when you found someone better, and I couldn't fucking deal with it! But it wasn't any easier trying to forget you! You think your life has been hard? I'm barely making it through college- it's my third year and I still barely know the kids on campus."

"You could have called..."

"You stopped trying after a while, so- so I thought you stopped caring. Found someone else, loved them more than you ever would me..." He looked how I felt, broken, betrayed, with all the sadness in the world pooling those amber-green eyes and pulling them towards the floor.

"I've never stopped loving you," I leaned forward and kissed him, a hand rising to Lovino's face. After a minute he pulled back and glared at me.

"Next time you're gonna fucking kiss me, don't be drunk off your ass."

"But I'm not! Not anymore at least!"

I had never expected to feel this warm again, but here it was. My own little angel, resting back in my arms in the corner of some hot, smelly club. Bringing him back on the dance floor, knowing he was mine again, and he wouldn't run away this time. He'd be here, with me wherever I went, and I could finally smile again. Smile and laugh and dance and just feel like I used to.

Lovino graduated college the next year, but only because I had talked him into taking summer classes.

With a degree in business something or other and no way to really pay off any debts, he began working at the diner with Mom and I. On breaks I'd play my guitar and he'd listen contently, making a different lunch every day. Lovi moved in with me just as the second youngest moved out, and we started planning for the future. Maybe even opening up a shop of our own, or taking over the job once mom's old boss retired.

If you ask me who I love more than anyone in the whole world, I would tell you Lovino Vargas. Because he was my whole world. And I don't have to worry if he still thinks the same, because I know he does. I know we're in love, and I never have to worry about not feeling warm again.

*Annalise - fem!Austria

*Emma - Belgium