TITLE: Go Big or Go Home

SUMMARY: A story of two girls whom love to go big in their grand gestures of love. Too bad that each one had fallen for very shy girls. Can the shy girls come to terms with the bigness of endearment – as they try to navigate their true feelings of actually being in love with a girl?

RATING: T – M

CATERGORIES: Friendship/ Romance/ Family/ Angst/ Tragedy/ Spiritual/ Suspense/ Crime/ Drama/ Humor/ Hurt/Comfort

PRELUDE:

THE E-MAIL

NEW YORK

RACHEL AND KURT'S LOFT:

RACHEL'S BEDROOM SPACE

Dear Rachel ~

I understand why you didn't want to come home to Lima for Thanksgiving. After all; I heard that you consider New York your "home" now. I just wish that you mentioned it in your last email - that you weren't even thinking of going back. I had to hear it at 'Bread Sticks'; and have too see HIS sad puppy dog eyes. (Still not awkward here). I was really looking forward to seeing you was all. HE had us mentor the newbies – I had mini me – Santana had tall you (Yes; dear; Marley is taller than you. Not as talented; but at least the girl had the height). I wish you were around so you could mentor tall you. I'm sure that you would have been able to encourage Marley not to give up on Kitty. I don't know if I truly made an impact with Kitty Wilde.

Rachel smirked at the 'tall' part of Quinn's email. She agreed with the old gang that Marley was the 'new' Rachel – Blaine thinks he is – but truly Marley Rose is the true one. At least Marley isn't as driven as Rachel was – so Rachel didn't feel threaten by the younger singer. Matter of fact; Rachel was looking forward to working with Marley in the future. I have come such a long way. The 'old' Rachel would never admit that; even to herself.

She frowned as the third and fifth line hit her full force. Why should I have too feel guilty for not going back to Lima? I mean yes; it would have been awesome to see the rest of the graduates; like how we all said that we would return for the holidays. But; after last time; I just couldn't be in the same town with Finn. It's just too damn awkward. Especially with the whole Brody issue. Finn's right; he shouldn't have to deal with me bemoaning over another guy around him. We aren't passed the 'grown up' break up yet. I'm staying away with respect for Finn's feelings. But; it would have been nice too see Quinn again. But why should I have to fly all the way to Ohio to see her once more; when she has metro passes that she had gotten for us! New Haven is only 88.9 miles from New York. If she truly wanted to see me than; all she has too is get on the damn train! But; she hasn't; so that means she doesn't.

Rachel felt the tightness in her chest; as her anger at Quinn Fabray hit her full force. Her eyes blurred as she realized that she truly hated Quinn at this moment. Her knees drew up tightly into her chest; as she wrapped her arms tightly around her middle. She felt her head press firmly against her bare knees; as tears of rage burst through her chest. "Why oh why; do you do this too me Quinn!" She sobbed as her heart broke into a million pieces.

THE DOOR TO THE LOFT / RACHEL'S BEDROOM SPACE

Kurt sighed as he pushed open the door to his shared loft. He had yet another depressing day. He just wish he could honestly get over his broken heart. He fully knew that he and Blaine would have rough bumps in the world to a lifetime of happiness; but he never dreamt that Blaine would have so willing broken his trust. He thought Blaine knew what trust actually meant to him. But; no Blaine just disregard it when he decided to have a one night hook up; with God knows whom. That Blaine actually went to a guy's house; a guy whom he decided to befriend on face book. A guy whom he doesn't even know the sexual history of. Blaine risked his life for his lonely one night hook up. Then he came to New York expecting Kurt just to jump into bed with him. Kurt even wondered if they hadn't gone to the bar; and Blaine hadn't decided to sing "Teenage Dream"; if Blaine would've honesty have told him of his fling.

Kurt stopped in his tracks as he heard sobs coming from the area where the bedrooms were located. He quickly shut the door; and rushed towards the curtain that separated Rachel's area from the his. "Oh sweetie …." He sat down close to his best friend, and wrapped his arms tightly around the shaking female Diva. He made shushing noises as he tried to comfort his friend. His eyes crossed over the open lap top; and quickly saw that an email was opened. He wanted to know what was in the email – but first he had to get Rachel back under control. He turned his full attention on the broken girl in his arms.

Rachel tucked her head underneath his chin; as she clung to him. Kurt eyes turned towards the lap top; and he caught sight of Quinn's email address. He felt bad for reading the private email; but his mind was all ready processing the first few paragraphs.

Santana tried to warn me that Kitty was just like me. That Kitty was out to sabotage Marley; and was actually trying to turn the poor girl into a bulimic. I; of course thought Santana was still being a jealous bitch. That she was trying to turn the situation that Kitty, and Marley were in into a whole other situation as in what I put you threw for most of high school. I quickly bonded with Kitty when I first met her. I felt a pull towards her. That I actually believed her; when she told me that she actually was friends with Marley; but I could tell she was jealous of the girl. But; it wasn't as bad as my jealously of you. If only I had believed Santana. Than I could have personally saved Marley; and gotten her to eat, and rest.

Kitty has a picture of me in her locker; it's me in my head cheerleaders outfit; I am jumping in the air with my pom poms; she photo shopped a halo over my head; and she wrote WWQFD? I should have gotten deep chills when I first saw that picture – I should have recognized myself in Kitty's eyes. I should have told her everything that I did in high school – not only too you; but to myself; I should have made her see what a rough road that she was walking down by following my example. But; no; I was so damn flattered. I don't know if I can truly help Kitty Wilder – I think I'm the wrong person.

Kurt had a feeling he knew exactly why Rachel was broken. It couldn't be due to his step-brother; because Kurt fully knew Rachel was ready to move on from Finn. He just didn't agree with her choice of Brody. But; Rachel had to learn that on her own. He just tighten his hold on his fragile friend; and tucked his head in between the nook of her shoulder blade.

(2 HOURS PASSED)

"Are you sure you don't want me to remain?" Kurt softly asked.

"No." Rachel shook her head. "Thank you for staying with me through this, Kurt. But, I don't need you for the rest of this. I know you have things too accomplish before the day is through." She sighed as she tried her hardest not to look at her lap top.

"Nothing that I can't reschedule." Kurt shrugged. "Look; I won't force myself by your side right now. I'll go to another spot in the loft. Just know that I'm here for you." He stood to his feet. Biting his bottom lip; "I just don't think you should be completely alone right now, Rach." He left her sleeping area.

Thank you God for Kurt. Rachel sadly smiled as she watched the young man leave her space. She sniffed as she finally turned her eyes back to her lap top. She gently tapped her space bar; and the scene turned brightly on.

I should have made sure that you were coming back to Lima; before I came back. I should have used one of the passes to New York; and gathered you myself. You; yourself told me that Kitty was very much like me – and that Marley was like you. I should have never come back without you by my side. Perhaps than I would have seen Kitty in the true light that she deserved to be seen. I should have protected Marley better than I had.

I should have protected YOU better than I had. I shouldn't have waited until middle of Senior year of high school to finally get my act together; and decide to take you under my protection. What the hell was wrong with me?! I knew from the first moment I set eyes on you in Freshmen year; that you were going to be the easiest target that McKinley High School had EVER known in it's existence.

Why hadn't you come to see me? Why haven't you yet to come see me? What are you so damn afraid of, Quinn? Rachel blinked back the tears that threatened to fall once more. Perhaps she should make the gesture, and just go to New Haven and see Quinn. But; damn it; why does she always have to make the first gesture in this friendship? Rachel shook her head; she just can't do it this time. She just has to wait for Quinn to be brave enough to come, and visit her. If Quinn could do this one huge gesture; than Rachel would gladly take the lead on their friendship for the rest of their lives. She just needed Quinn to make this big leap of faith here.

Perhaps I'm honesty to afraid to face you right now, Rachel, perhaps I'm afraid to face you when I tell you that I'm dating one of my professors. His name is John; he is thirty – five; and he's married. But; his wife doesn't please him in bed any longer – so believe or not; that's what I am too him. I was nervous the first time – seeing how I hadn't had sex since Beth. John was patient, and understanding. He's teaching me so much – if I knew that it could be like this; then I would have had sex more often in high school.

Rachel blinked. Her right hand rose to her forehead; and she tried to rub the headache away that rushed over her from the last paragraph. Seriously Quinn?! Seriously! How could you be so reckless! I thought you promised yourself that you would never cheat again! I know you currently were not in a relationship when you decided to bed John; but John is VERY much married. I guess the saying is right; once a cheater – always a cheater. She wanted to throw her lap top against the brick wall. But; she couldn't do that. Kurt would just come rushing in; and demand answers -and Rachel wasn't going to drag Kurt into this mess that Quinn has gotten herself too; without Quinn's permission.

I'm not going to remain with John very long; Rachel. My heart isn't wrapped up in him. I'm just allowing him to use me for his sexual gratification – and I'm learning from him. I know that I'm still in the cheaters world (I'm honestly waiting for the Universe to catch up to me; and send the plague on me. Perhaps now that Santana knows; she'll figure out how to give me an even worse case of mono). I fully know that I'm still too fucked up too make the right decisions in my life. That's why John has happened.

I'm too much Russell's daughter. That's why I can't allow Beth anywhere close to me. I know Puck is still pissed off with me for not wanting anything too do with our daughter. Beth will be much safer outside of Russell Fabray's way of life if I'm not apart of hers.

I know you are super busy at NAYDA, Rachel, so you can't really get away from New York just for an weekend. I know that even if you won't the star that you are – that you WOULD still wait for me to take that first step on visiting whatever college that you ended up at. It just; I can't find the courage to take that step in our friendship yet, Rachel. I know the passes have a time limit. I pray that I will find the courage within me before they expire to get on that damn train, and come to you. But, know this Rachel; even if I don't this year – I will find that courage to come and visit you. I don't want our friendship to consist through e-mails. I want more. I need more. I'm just too scared.

~ Yours, Quinn

END PRELUDE