A/N: If anything, I admire this dude's tenacity.

The Mackerel Inquisistion

Summary: In which the members of the Iwatobi swim team are neither sane, human, nor anything less than absurdly overprotective of their team manager. Seijuro learns this the hard way.

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"Fill out this form in triplicate and then submit it at the front desk for approval. Someone will be with you in two to three weeks regarding your eligibility. Thank you for your time."

Seijuro glanced at the paper in his hand with a dumb-founded sort of look, turning it over. It was filled with math problems.

And a request for a picture and/or video of him swimming? Beautifully?

The math problems themselves were weird enough, some asking 'If a Mako Shark can cruise through the water at speeds between 97 and 35 kilometres per hour, how fast must you be going to avoid a shiver of them that have been aware of your presence for the last 6 and ½ minutes? How about 2 and ½ minutes? And if you are bleeding/mortally wounded? Where is your god then?'

"Are you sure that this is all," he said haltingly to the bespectacled student staring blankly back at him, struggling to find the word, "…necessary?"

The student didn't so much as twitch a single facial muscle behind his thick glasses. "Thank you. For your time."

A shiver ran down Seijuro's back and he decided, quickly and suddenly, that it was time to leave and pretend like he'd never asked this kid what his team manager liked in a date.

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"Hey, Haruka, could I talk to you—!"

The splash that followed his words told Seijuro exactly what Haruka thought of talking. Seijuro pinched the bridge of his nose as he wondered what exactly had possessed him to ask this particular member of the swim team for advice. Beside a large body of water.

"You know what, never mind."

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"Makoto, buddy, I gotta ask you something!" Seijuro frantically waved his arms as he approached, dodging avid festival goers and giggling little kids as they wove around him. He could see Makoto slowly turn to see who was calling him and when his eyes finally landed on him, rather than looking surprised, the Iwatobi swim team captain's face turned stricken.

Seijuro's hand drooped a little. "Uh, Mako?" Maybe if he just got close enough, he would be able to ask and hope nothing went wrong? Refilled with vigor, he took another step forward, calling strongly, "I want to know if your team manag—"

A body suddenly slammed into him, the stranger's shoulder catching his and almost knocking him to the ground. "Fuck, what the—" Seijuro barely managed not to fall back on his ass, and he quickly turned to see who'd had the nerve to try something like this.

The only thing he saw was a figure in a black yukata and a kid's mask barreling down the festival stalls, fast and swerving like he had practice. "Weird…" Seijuro said below his breath, before suddenly remembering that he still had to talk to Makoto. "Ah, Mako—"

Gone.

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If there was one thing Seijuro, captain of the legendary Samezuka Swim Team wasn't, it was a quitter.

Which was why when the Iwatobi swim team had their next partner, the first to arrive was not one of their own swimmers but rather the red-haired stubborn captain of their rival team. Seijuro stood tall against the strange looks he received, choosing to ignore the flinty look that kid with the glasses was giving him as well as Makoto's radiating discomfort. He was gonna come right out and tell them all about his intentions, and then see if they would help him woo Gou-kun.

At some point, Haruka joined them. Seijuro gave him a quick wave, but barely managed to get his hand up before the boy had dived into pool. And then didn't resurface.

He figured that was his way of participating? Eh, whatever. Everyone was gathered now, he could pose the question.

"I, Seijuro Mikoshiba, would like to formally—"

"Ah, what's he doing here?"

Gleaming, almost-red eyes glinted from the shadows beneath the pool house. Seijuro's skin went cold and then sweaty with a strange fear. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. What was going on?

Finally, Haruka poked his head out of the pool and declared sharply, "Samesuka swim captain. Kou." His head then went quickly back under the water and was swallowed up as if he'd never existed at all.

The eyes went wide for a moment and Seijuro fought the urge to run just as they narrowed into slits of murderous intent. Fuck. Was this how he died? Valiant and for his lady love? Good, but he'd prefer to get her permission to be his lady love first. His fingers were shaking, his mind whirling with thoughts of what the thing in the shadows could possibly be—

A small blonde boy seemingly darted out from the darkness, smiling. Seijuro let out a relieved breath. At the sight of this missing team member, Makoto turned pale and that weird glasses kid began to smirk.

Seijuro frowned in confusion, but smiled when he turned back to the innocent seeming kid. "Hey, I just wanted to ask if your team manager, Gou-kun, had a boyfriend. D'ya know anything about that?"

The kid hummed loudly and tapped his chin, as if in thought. Seijuro watched as the blonde swimmer rocked back and forth on his heels. Finally, he said in a chipper voice, "Yep, I know. And I'll even tell you!"

Seijuro almost cracked the sides of his mouth with the force of his grin. "Really?" Finally, someone on this team that was helpful!

He was so happy with this discovery that he didn't even notice Makoto swift disappearance, nor the sight of Rei's smirk changing into a fully-fledged smile; in fact, he almost didn't hear Nagisa's next words, "But there'll be a price."

"Huh?" Seijuro scrunched his eyebrows up in confusion, crossing his arms. "What kinda price?"

The blonde kid's eyes were wide and his smile unmovable. "Just a small, itty bitty one. You won't even notice it for a while. The easiest price you'll ever pay!"

Something in the back of Seijuro's mind started blaring alarm signals. "I…don't know—"

"Aw, c'mon, Sei-chan. What could go wrong?"

There.

Seijuro wasn't sure of many things in this world, but he knew that when a supposedly innocent high school freshman's eyes turned black, even for a second, that it was time to run. Run like the dickens.

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That was it, he was done.

Spent.

Seijuro found he had tried every possibly way of trying to get to Gou-kun, and all had failed.

Approaching the swim team advisor had only resulted in déjà vu of the blonde swimmer demon situation, and he hadn't even known someone could make historical quotes sound threatening. He could deal never having to heard about George Washington's false teeth for the rest of his life. Talking to the unofficial 'coach' of the team—meaning that he ordered a pizza and struck up an unlikely conversation about swimming—only resulted in him having paid three times the usual tip and told to, "Give up now while you still draw breath".

And he didn't know what to do anymore. There were no other options! He just had to resign himself to the fact that no matter what happened, he'd never get to date—

"Uh, Seijuro? It's Kou. I was wondering if we could have another joint swim practice?"

Seijuro's head snapped up to see the girl of his dreams standing awkwardly beside him. He quickly stumbled out of his chair, so dubbed the 'lovesick captain chair' by his swimmers and stood up quickly, trying to look confident. "Yes, of course! I mean, yes. Yes, what did you need?"

She gave him a funny look and repeated slowly, "A joint swim practice? With the Iwatobi swim team? Sometime next week? We really wanna get some practice in before winter break and our pool is getting too cold."

"Yes, we would be happy to swim with you! I mean, your team," Seijuro corrected quickly, unable to keep from smiling. He hoped she didn't notice. He wasn't trying to be tooobvious. "And while you're here, there was something I wanted to ask you."

"Oh, uh, really?" Gou tilted her head to the side in confusion, her eyes wide. "About what?"

This was perfect. No Iwatobi swim team members, no Iwatobi swim team captains, no Iwatobi swim team demon consorts. He could finally ask. Seijuro straightened and began, "Gou-kun, I would like to know if you have a b—"

"Brother!"

Seijuro blinked. What. Gou was beaming with pleasure, but she wasn't looking at him, but rather, someone behind him. He turned, slowly.

A figure cloaked in malevolent aura stood there, teeth long and sharp and bared fully. Red eyes gleamed murderously under a fringe of matching hair, looking as if it were soaked in the blood of innocents. His voice came out sharp and full of dark interest, "Hey, Captain, I'd love to know what you were going to ask my little sister."

At that moment Seijuro finally realized that pigs would fly, hell would freeze over, and Haruka would give up water as his lover before he ever got the chance to date Gou Matsuoka.

But damned if he would ever stop trying.