Coping

Author: Cigamina

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin

Protagonists: Irvin Smith x Levi

Part: 1/1

Warnings: none

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Characters unfortunately aren't mine, therefore no money-making~ XDDD

Notes: Just a little something that wouldn't leave my mind until I wrote it down.

Songs I heard while writing the chapter:

Mecano – Hijo de la luna

############

It was very quiet, and it was very peaceful. The familiar rusting of straw and hay, the occasional snuffling and neighing of horses were the only things he could hear, except for a few cicadas giving a little concert outside of the stable. He leaned back against the wood, his eyes still closed despite being not alone in the stall. He heard his black mare chew her hay, occasionally dumping some of it into the bucket of water to moisten it. Why she did that he didn't know but Gunter had told him that it was not uncommon, he had seen several horses do that.

He had his legs drawn up to his chest and his arms crossed between, shivering a little when a cold draft swept through the shack. The night had progressed a good bit, he was sure of that, and yet he didn't feel the urge to go inside.

He had taken care of everything. He had ordered the corpses to be burnt in the usual places, the injured soldiers to be treated, the horses to be taken care of by the remaining soldiers. Irvin had offered him to just leave it to him but he had turned him down. The commander had other things to do, like coming up with a strategy to explain today's disaster to their superiors.

Levi had washed his horse, the black mare had been sweaty and muddy all over. He had rubbed her down with straw and put a blanket on her back for her to dry comfortable underneath. He had given her oats and hay and water, putting in a little salt because Gunter had told him that it was good for them, being minerals and they were important and some other blah blah – the man had a thing for horses in general.

He had cleaned the stall even though it hadn't been dirty – they had been gone for the whole day, leaving the horses no possibility to dirty their straw and chips. He had also cleaned his saddle and harness, washing it with a moist cloth and then putting beeswax onto the leather parts to keep it ductile. Auruo had told him to do it that way years ago, his father being a saddler and therefore he knew a lot about it.

Even the saddle pad he had changed and washed the filthy one, it was drying on the handle attached to the stall's door.

Then he had taken a look around, making sure that everything was taken care off. It had been, all in hushed silence – he was sure that after today there was nobody being enthusiastic.

He had sat down in his horse's stall then, watched by the black mare – and endured her display of affection for quite some time, had her sniff his hair and nuzzle his chest. Stroking down her forehead and the bridge of her nose with one hand he rubbed the soft fur behind a long ear, knowing that she enjoyed that a lot. The horse's attachment to their masters still astonished him, even though he knew that the horses were trained in a special way. They kept coming back when their riders disappeared from their backs, either taking off with their 3D-maneover gear and being dragged off it by a gigantic titan hand. When they finished off a titan or just fell down to the ground for whatever reason the horses would always come back to get them, seemingly ignoring the fact that there were titans around who would just hurl horses through the air in order to grab human beings to stuff their ugly faces with. The horses loved their masters anyway – sometimes to an almost ridiculous level. The white stallion Flakes would trot after Irvin like a dog if Irvin only let him, following him around like he always did when he was not tethered or in his stall.

Their horses were the most loyal beings here – being braver than some of the soldiers.

Levi opened his eyes and patted his mare's forehead, stroking her fringe to the side to reveal the white star-shaped patch of white hair underneath. The mare was still standing close to him and chewing on her hay, covering Levi with some of it occasionally. He didn't care, being filthy all over anyway. He was still in his uniform even though he had taken off his cape and jacket before he started washing the horse and its things. He hadn't wanted those to be soiled any further… and he had wanted the heaviness of the jacket to be gone. Knowing what was stored inside of the chest pocket made wearing it almost unbearable.

He caressed the horse's soft nose before getting up, stretching a little to get his muscles used to his now standing upright. He had been curled down there in the straw for quite some time, the sky outside was already pitch black.

Walking around his mare he checked if her fur had dried satisfyingly and when finding it smooth and dry he lifted the blanket from her back.

"You won't need it, it's not yet cold enough."

Nyx snuffled softly and took another mouthful of hay, coming to see him off when he stepped out of the stall and closed the door behind him. The mare nudged his chest again and Levi patted her long neck, saying 'goodnight'. Putting the blanket back to its place he grabbed his cape and jacket, quenched the torches and eventually left the stable.

It was awfully quiet, and it was deceivingly peaceful. In fact, the silence was almost a crushing one and Levi was glad that his steps were cutting through it consistently.

It was chilly outside and he hunched his shoulders a little, making his way over to the building where he had his premises. His steps were steady even though there was still a certain irregularity to them, caused by the pain that was shooting up his left leg with every step. He had overstrained it when dealing with the female titan, the suddenly hardened skin of the thing's hand had done nothing to cushion his drive when he had pushed off it to cut it faster than it could reach for him.

His jaw clenched up and he pushed the thoughts away, not wanting them in his head.

He walked up the stairs and rounded a corner, taking a deep breath when he went to traverse the following corridor. He would have avoided it but there was only one way to get to his room and that was past his door.

He wasn't surprised at all when his door opened only seconds later and Irvin stepped into the hall, still in his uniform. Blue eyes were watching him when he came closer and Levi held his gaze, taking in his commander's tired features. He should have taken a shower and gone to bed but Levi had been sure that he would be there when he finally made his appearance after having been lost for a while. Irvin would have stayed in his office all night, waiting until he heard Levi's steps in the hall. He had learned to distinguish them from all the others that were walking by his door every day in the years that they knew each other.

The blond man's face was as neutral as Levi knew his own must look like, not giving away anything. He recognized the moment that Irvin decided to say something and he immediately raised his free hand, never breaking eye-contact.

"Don't."

He held his gaze until he had passed him and continued on his way to get to his premises. He felt Irvin's eyes on his back but his commander wasn't stopping him; he knew him too well to try. He didn't want to hear anything, he didn't want to talk about this; he just wanted a shower.

He went straight into his bedroom where he placed his jacket and cape onto a hanger and attached it to the door of his wardrobe. His high boots and the straps circling his body in various places were the next things he took off and put them away accurately, leaving him in his white shirt and pants. Pulling the white ascot from his throat he walked into his small bathroom, disposing of the rest of his clothing and putting it all into the laundry basket. It all reeked, of horse and blood and filth and death.

He caught a glimpse of himself when he walked past the sink, noting the he was even paler than usual and that even his hair was dirty. Nyx had sniffed it and nibbled on it, after all. Turning away from the mirror his eyes fell on a classy-looking bottle on the small rack containing his towels. It contained a white substance that he had never used before, never finding it necessary to open the seal keeping in the fragrance – but he knew what it would smell like, the fine label said vanilla. His favourite when it came to soap and anything you could get with a fragrance. Erd had given him the bottle for his last birthday, laughing uncomfortably and blushing – Levi had guessed correctly that Petra had picked for him because Erd hadn't known what to give Levi. He had made them all (including Auruo and Gunter because they had also given him something, call it peer-pressure) clean the headquarters for making him feel flustered.

Levi went over to fill a bucket with hot water and sat down on the little stool, starting to scrub the grime off his body. His thoughts wandered off and this time he didn't stop them, letting them run free in his head.

'It's the safest place in the formation.'

Gunter Schulz had said that to Eren a few days ago. Not knowing that Eren served as a bait to lure their spy, a deliberate soldier able to turn into a titan, into the wood where Irvin had set his trap. Of course he hadn't known, nobody had. Levi had known - the rest had been arranged while they'd already been on the move. Knowing that there were spies in their ranges Irvin had kept all the information very close to his chest, only telling those people that he really trusted.

They had almost succeeded – they had captured the bitch. But, as it always was and Levi was so tired of it, the enemy had done something they couldn't have predicted, not even Irvin. The person in the female titan's neck had escaped, transformed again and gone on another rampage.

Gunter Schulz had been dangling from a tree, entangled in his own wire, his neck broken.

He used his usual soap to clean himself up, the familiar scent felt good in his nose as he spread the soap everywhere and rubbed at his skin until he was covered with foam.

'We'll probably be ordered to stand by for another few more days but I heard we're supposed to be going on a large-scale extramural expedition.'

Erd had said that when they had first moved into their old headquarters because it had been decided by the higher-ups that it was a good place to keep Eren. Levi had said that he had no idea, that he wasn't involved in the planning. That had been a lie. A necessary lie, he perfectly understood Irvin's attitude as anybody could be a spy and it was better to be very cautious. And soldiers were all the same, belonging to the special operations squad or not. They remained livestock and were most likely going to die in one of their missions. That's what they signed up for, all of them knew what they were doing. Each of them had Levi's heartfelt respect.

Erd Gin had been lying on the ground, his body battered and his blood spilled onto the grass.

Levi scrubbed away at his skin and started washing his hair, closing his eyes when he did so.

'I don't know the deal with this crap about you being a titan, but we can't have corporal Levi babysit-'

Auruo had said that to Eren on the way to their headquarters, hadn't been able to finish his sentence because his horse had tripped and he had almost bitten off his tongue. This crap about Eren being a titan… had caused today's mission. It had caused another loss of about 30% of their men. Eren had almost been abducted if it wasn't for his childhood-friend Mikasa Ackermann and Levi who had chased the female titan after she had taken down the elite of the scouting legion.

Auruo Bossard had been face-down on the ground, his body broken and his short hair swaying softly in the cool breeze.

Levi used the water in the basket to wash the soap off his body and from his hair, dumping the rest onto his head when he was finished.

'She mentioned that you respected her abilities enough to let her join your squad.'

He had picked the people for his squad himself, choosing them for various reasons. And he had chosen well, even though they didn't agree on everything (more likely on anything at all) they fought brilliantly together, not needing words to understand each other. Petra had been the youngest but she had held her ground in comparison with her companions and they had all complemented each other perfectly. The bickering between Auruo and Petra had become rather comforting than distracting, Erd and Gunter had always been calmingly harmonic.

He remembered thousand things that Petra had said to him in the years that they had been working together – but her father's word this afternoon were the ones that stuck to Levi's memory the most. Her expressing through her letter to her father that she was proud to have been picked by Levi, that she had wanted to devote herself to him completely.

Petra Ral bad been smashed into a tree, lifeless eyes looking up at the sky and at Levi who had discovered one squad-member after another when going after the female titan.

He used his hands to wring the water from his hair and wiped his hands over his eyes before standing up, getting a towel. He toweled off briefly and wrapped the towel around his waist before putting his things away, leaving the bathroom as neat as he had found it.

Continuing to dry his body and rubbing down his hair he stood in front of his wardrobe and then opened its doors, placing the towel aside. He reached for fresh clothes and pulled them on, including a warm scarf. He hated being cold around his neck and throat, he wore scarves the moment the temperature allowed it.

He turned to face the inside of his wardrobe's left door and looked at the drawing that was attached to it. It was them, all members of the special operations squad, including Levi. They were all sitting at a table and drinking tea, it could have been any day in those years they had spent together. Petra and Auruo bickered, Erd was talking to Levi and Gunter was looking at him, Levi was sitting cross-legged on his chair and listened, sipping his tea like only he would, holding the cup not by its handle but by its edge with his fingertips.

Petra had drawn it and given to Levi in an awkward moment, fleeing right after that.

Levi reached for the drawing and removed it from the wardrobe's door, closing both doors and reaching for his jacket. He moved his hand into the breast pocket and curled his fingers around the pieces of cloth he found there, pulling them out of the pocket. Holding the four neatly cut badges in one hand and the drawing in the other he left his premises, directing his steps to the garden.

He closed the door silently and crossed the dark room, not needing any light because he knew everything in here by heart. Spending a lot of time here, either cleaning or working or doing a range of other things, he knew every chair and every file.

The next door was a little more difficult to pass without a sound as it sometimes creaked but knowing how to minimize the noise he managed quite well and stepped into the next room. He took a slow, deep breath before starting to move, slowly walking over to the bed. He pulled off his clothes in the process, pausing to rid himself of his pants and putting everything neatly onto a chair next to the wardrobe. Completely nude and shivering slightly he padded over to the bed, standing in front of it. The moon's pale rays shone through the window as the curtains hadn't been drawn closed – he never did that, preferring to be woken by the sun. Levi had his back to the windows, the light shone onto his back and he made quite an impressive shadow on the bed – and onto commander Irvin's body that was half hidden by the covers. The blond man was on his side, facing Levi, his chest was naked and he assumed that the rest of his body would be, too. Irvin liked sleeping naked – and so did Levi.

Blue eyes were looking at him, tired but focused - Levi wasn't surprised, in fact he had expected Irvin to be awake. He held his gaze, feeling and seeing the commander's eyes look him up and down – and then Irvin just lifted the covers, holding them up in a wordless invitation.

Levi moved forward and slid underneath the warm covers, feeling them be put down to cover the both of them. The action immediately created warmth surrounding him, the heat radiating off Irvin's body being trapped underneath the blankets always did that. Levi rolled onto his side and moved back, feeling the older man wrap his arms around his body and pull him closer until his backside was pressed to Irvin's front. He had indeed been naked underneath the covers he noticed briefly, snuggling up to the warm body he fit so well against as he was able to put his head underneath Irvin's chin and press his buttocks into Irvin's crotch comfortably. The strong hands had found their places on his body, the one belonging to the arm circling his body held his shoulder and the other one rested on his belly, rubbing it gently. He couldn't help but shake in the commander's arms, feeling him kiss his neck and hair softly. But finally, for the first time today, he felt his muscles relax. The tension he had felt the whole day, that had pent up to a maximum during the mission and never disappeared after its ending, slowly left him underneath Irvin's gentle touch, underneath his soft lips.

He sagged bonelessly against him after a few minutes of Irvin's efforts, exhaustion finally crashing onto him and weighing him down. His eyelids felt heavy and little by little his thoughts came to a rest, the things that had been flashing through his mind were dying down with each passing minute.

Irvin didn't say anything at all, still accepting the order Levi had given him in the corridor. It was right this way – because he didn't want him to say anything. Because he didn't want to hear his words of comfort. Because he didn't need to hear attempts at trying to make him feel better. Because he didn't need him to apologize.

He simply didn't have to. There was nothing he had to apologize for. There was nothing he could make up to Levi because he hadn't done anything wrong.

Irvin's hand had wandered from his belly to his arm, gently stroking it up and down. Levi closed his eyes and reached for the hand pressed to his shoulder, prying it off and entwining his fingers with Irvin's. He pulled their hands to his chest and huddled closer to the older man's body, yearning for his warmth. Kissing his neck softly Irvin entangled his legs with Levi's and moved his free hand up to stroke his hair, making Levi title his head into the gentle touch.

He knew that Irvin had waited anxiously for him the whole night, until he decided to come see him. Because Irvin needed this as badly as Levi did.

He slowly drifted off to sleep, feeling his commander press another kiss onto his ear before he finally lost conscience, falling into a deep slumber. He knew that they would have to talk tomorrow, that they had to come up with strategies to deal with this disastrous situation, but for now… he just wanted to blank out everything.

############

When he slowly gained consciousness he felt warm sunrays caress his back, at some point during the night he had apparently shifted to lie on his stomach. A familiar, calloused hand was stroking his bare back and a content sound slipped his lips, the gentle caress was a welcomed one.

Opening his eyes he found Irvin next to him, on his side again. He had his elbow propped up on the mattress and his head resting in his palm. Blue eyes were looking at him and Levi closed his own, moving closer to press his face into Irvin's naked chest.

"What time is it?"

Irvin rolled onto his back and pulled Levi with him effortlessly, making him rest half on top of the other man's strong body. His large hand moved from his back up into his hair and Levi titled his head into the touch, enjoying that way too much.

"Almost seven."

They hadn't slept long… Levi had no idea at which time he had slid into Irvin's bed the previous night but it had been long past midnight. He didn't feel reposed at all, but he hadn't expected to be after yesterday's events.

"Hm. Did you sleep?"

He knew that Irvin most likely had watched him sleep for some time, the man had told him how much he liked doing that. Their sleeping well long depended on the other's presence; Levi could relax in his commander's presence to an extent that allowed him to fall into deep sleep, and Levi's presence held Irvin's dreams at bay. As composed as they might seem to all the other soldiers they both had their issues, events haunting them in their sleep and slashing their way into their dreams.

"A little."

Levi opened his eyes and looked at the older man, taking in his tired features and shadowed eyes. Yesterday's events had left traces on Irvin, too. Of course it had, every mission did.

'Don't the two of you have any human feelings at all?!'A soldier had screamed after them when Irvin had made his decision to stop searching for corpses in favor of getting the remaining soldiers back into the walls alive. None of them had said anything to that because it just wasn't worth the trouble. They didn't need the soldiers to understand them, they just needed them to trust them and their decisions.

Of course they had feelings. Of course they cared. Of course it affected them to see comrades die – they just didn't have the luxury to be able to show it. They needed to be strong when others couldn't – they had to neglect their humanity in order to save mankind. By all means available.

Levi stretched and brushed his lips against Irvin's, putting his arms onto his broad chest to rest his chin upon them. Cerulean eyes watched him and a smile tugged on the man's lips for a fleeting moment, his hand started rubbing the back of Levi's neck.

"I assume I'll be summoned to the capital any minute."

Levi watched him and titled his head into his touch, feeling his eyelids drop when Irvin's fingers found a particular sensitive spot and stayed there.

"You most certainly will be. And the pigs'll want to have Eren handed over."

Irvin nodded and stretched, slowly sitting up.

"Yeah. Over my dead body."

Levi sat up as well, arching a thin eyebrow at his commander. He took it that Irvin had indeed come up with something that Levi didn't yet know about and he expected the man to explain himself any minute.

"What's the plan?"

Irvin cocked his head to the side and smiled for real this time, leaning forward to give Levi a kiss of his own.

"That's my corporal. You remember Eren's friend, the blond one? Armin Arlert came to see me late last night – and he shared very interesting information regarding our spy. Or spies, in that matter."

Levi frowned and processed the information, noting that sometimes help came from quarters last expected. Irvin moved to get up, extending a hand in Levi's direction.

"Let's shower, I'll explain it to you. We'll meet Armin Arlert, Mikasa Ackermann and Eren in a few, I'll need Hanji and Mike in on this, too."

Levi looked at his hand for a moment, then up to Irvin's face, seeing the familiar determination in his blue eyes. He grabbed the commander's hand and let the man pull him upright, following him into Irvin's bathroom.

There wasn't any sense in dwelling on the past. Mourning the dead wasn't something he had time for – and he was sure they wouldn't have wanted that. They had been determined in what they were doing, had died for their cause – the last thing they would have wanted were tears spilled for them.

The only thing that would allow them to rest peacefully was keeping up the fighting, facing titans and traitors and eliminating them until they reached their goal. And Levi would do that every day, as long as he lived.

It was when they toweled off that Irvin asked him, making Levi pause in his actions.

"What… did you do with their badges?"

He turned his back on him to reach for his brush, he had long moved some of his things into Irvin's bathroom because they mostly slept in his room.

"Buried them."

Along with the drawing, right at the spot where they had sat often, talking missions through or just taking a short break. Below one of the big trees – he guessed that they would have liked that.

Irvin's large hand touched his shoulder and he heard him inhale deeply, he was at the edge of saying something again. Levi turned around to face him, shaking his head as he looked into the other's blue eyes.

"Don't. There's absolutely nothing that you need to apologize for."

He meant it – Irvin was doing all he could in order to reach their common goal, and he was doing a great job. Levi didn't know anyone more suitable.

He had rare moments in which he couldn't help but feel like one of the soldiers, hating the fact that so many people had to die for the greater good, the coldness of their plans – but those moments were fleeting, his sense of purpose and the yearning for freedom took over soon enough. Because he knew what he was fighting for.

And even though he couldn't show his occasional being emotional to anyone except Irvin he knew for himself that he was still human – it didn't matter what other's thought about them.

Irvin watched him for a few moments, intently searching his face for any movement – but he wouldn't find anything, the honesty in Levi's eyes had to be enough. And when he relaxed and smiled that slight smile at him Levi knew that they were alright. They would continue on their path, wherever it might lead them – and they would smooth the way for freedom, no matter what it took.