circles ; pg-13, language ; 898 words ; prologue ;

harvey/donna ; this chapter is donna-centric (mentions of harvey, scottie and rachel)

an introduction to what should have been; it's a vicious circle and no one can quite get their head straight

a/n: i need to start another fic like i need a hole in the head \o/

remember to review if you want to see more that way it makes me feel like my time spent writing this is worth it and i'm not blowing off homework for no reason

She's been feeling an awful lot of anxiety about the upcoming nuptials.

She isn't sure why when it isn't even her wedding. Hell, she isn't even seeing anyone beyond a casual date or meaningless sex. The idea of attaching herself to another, especially after Stephen Huntley hurt her. She doesn't know why it still bothers her after all this time.

But really, that isn't what's been bothering her the most lately. What has been bothering her more than anything is that the wedding is approaching, the wedding that she has no part of and doesn't affect her in any way, shape, or form. The wedding of two people she values very much - of two people she encouraged to be together - who she thinks could be very happy together. The wedding bothers her because it brings a sense of finality -

the wedding of a man who she has been telling herself she isn't in love with for over a decade.

And maybe she hasn't been in love with him. Maybe Donna Paulsen hasn't actually been in love with Harvey Specter. Maybe it's all in her head and what she thinks she feels is only cold feet. Cold feet that should not belong to her because she is not the one getting married. There is a dark force that has been looming over her. She's faced with guilt and sadness and a great loss from something that was never hers to lose.

It weighs heavily on her. She can't quite place exactly what it is, but she suspects that it has something to do with the fact that she's always known what's truly been buried within that man's soul - what Harvey keeps in his heart and he holds near to him. She thinks that if this were a romantic comedy it would be all about how the woman realizes she's in love with a man who is getting married and proceeds to profess her undying love for him. That just isn't her - she at least knows when it's time to cut her losses and 65 days from his wedding date is prime time.

Besides, she is not in love with the groom to be.

- (she's repeated it so many times that they don't even sound like words anymore.)

There's something she's been hanging on to for years that she should give him. Something that was given to her to hang onto like it was her job and god, it's her second best kept secret. Her first she will never utter out loud for another soul to hear.

Truth be told, she's been hanging on to it in hopes that everything would come crumbling down on its own, in hopes that Harvey and Scottie would realize that they aren't right for each other without any outside help. The thing of it is, and damn it's the best irony that could ever slap her in the face like a motherfucking semi truck, the last thing she wants is to be so hypocritical and tell him that he's making a mistake.

Maybe this time last year when she was silently guiding them together it was all because she really didn't know what they would be like together. Or maybe it was just her incessant need to prove to herself and everyone else that she did not have feelings for that incredulous man. Most likely though, it's that she finds it so incredibly exhausting to keep lying and she's emotionally drained. She would attribute it to the tiresome one night stands (she is not promiscuous, she is not a whore, she's just trying to prove that love is a useless and fruitless feeling), but no one would buy what she was selling.

She knows this because the occasional passing conversation with Rachel has ended in huffs, leaving Donna even more emotionally exhausted than she had even started.

She just always kind of figured that the door on the possibility of them would never actually close, that they'd never be off of the table, but that's her fault. It's really always been her fault, if she were to admit to it. She's the one with the rule, with the one that he respects her too much to ask her to break it. It's why they didn't try 10 years ago. It's been the bane of her existence and now it's too late to tell him that she'll break it for him -

for him, because without him she feels like she has no purpose. Because without him she feels nothing. Because without him she is nothing.

No, she can't say any of that.

For once in all of the years she has known him she's going to put herself first. She's going to give him that stupid (really not stupid) record that Gordon Specter left her in his will and get closure once and for all. She needs to know that the door is closed on them entirely and hanging on to that record is a semblance of the hope she doesn't need for them. She has to do this and she will do it in a way that he will never know her true feelings, in a way that he will never know that he missed his window of opportunity. Harvey will just keep on being Harvey and she will be Donna.

That's all there is to it.