Chapter Thirty Six

As he and Two-Bit came up in front of the house, Soda noticed that Ponyboy's car was parked on the curb, but he knew he couldn't have been home long. He remembered Darry mentioning that morning that Pony had a late class that evening. The two of them headed up the walk and into the house.

"Hey guys," Pony said from the couch as they walked in. He glanced up at them from a pile of papers he had spread out over the coffee table. Then he did a double take, frowning up at them. "Soda? What happened?"

Soda was confused for a minute. "What do you mean?"

Pony slowly stood up, looking at him carefully. "You've got a bruise on your chin," he pointed out. "And your sleeve is torn."

Soda had almost forgotten about the evidence of the altercation. He shifted uncomfortably as he tugged at the tear in his sleeve.

"There was an… incident at the DX," Two-Bit spoke up when it became clear Soda wasn't sure what to say.

"Are you okay?" Pony asked with concern.

Soda nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just got knocked around a bit. Nothin' I haven't dealt with before." He had meant for that to be comforting but Pony's face fell at that thought. An uncomfortable silence fell over the group.

"Well, I gotta go get ready for work," Two-Bit finally spoke up. "I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Soda nodded as Two-Bit turned and left. Soda watched him go, noticing how well the hinges were holding up on the screen door he had fixed yesterday and feeling a vague sense of pride at this small accomplishment. He had to remind himself that it really had been only yesterday when he had fixed that door. It seemed like much longer than that after everything that happened.

Soda shook himself out of his thoughts as he turned back around. He caught Pony's eyes on him before he quickly sat down and went back to studying the homework he had spread across the coffee table.

He glanced at his torn sleeve and decided that he should change. He headed back to his bedroom and found a clean pair of jeans and a shirt. He simply tossed the torn shirt in the trash before heading back out to the living to find that Pony hadn't moved.

Soda strained for a moment for something to say to break the awful silence. "Did you eat yet?" he finally asked as he started toward the kitchen. He knew Darry would be hungry when he got home and he felt more at ease when he had a task to accomplish.

"No," Pony said, standing up quickly. "But I can make dinner if you don't feel up to it."

"That's okay, I got it," Soda assured him as he headed into the kitchen.

But Pony followed him. "Are you sure? You can just sit and rest if you want."

Soda glanced at him, raising an eyebrow quizzically. When he set his mind to a task his brothers tended to just leave him to it. It was sort of an unspoken agreement to let him do things for himself unless he asked for help. It was strange that Pony was pushing this over something as simple as making dinner, which he had been doing quite often lately.

"No, I like having something to do," Soda said slowly, looking at Pony in confusion. "You know that."

"I know," Pony said uncomfortably. He shrugged as if trying to make it seem like no big deal, but the way he was shifting back and forth told a different story. "I just thought…" He let the thought trail off as he seemed to struggle to put his feelings into words.

Soda waited for a minute, but when Pony didn't look like he was going to come up with anything to say he simply turned away, busying himself with finding something to make for dinner. As Pony turned and left the room, Soda hoped that meant that he was going to drop whatever was troubling him. But he returned a moment later with his schoolwork, spreading it out on the kitchen table instead.

Soda tried not to think too much of it as he got to work. He knew that the others liked to keep an eye on him while he cooked just to make sure he didn't forget about the burners or anything like that. He usually didn't mind it; he knew he could still be pretty forgetful and clumsy in the kitchen. But something seemed different tonight. He kept on getting the uncomfortable feeling of someone staring at him and every time he glanced back at Pony it seemed like he was quickly looking away.

Finally he just couldn't take the tension in the room any longer. "Something on your mind, Ponyboy?" he asked, glancing back at his brother.

Pony looked up at him in surprise, apparently taken off guard that Soda had even noticed his strange behavior. "Um…" he stuttered. "Uh…"

Soda sighed heavily. Carefully he turned around and leaned back against the counter behind him, crossing his arms over his chest. "After my outburst last night I think we're way past not being able to tell each other things," he pointed out quietly, a hint of shame in his voice. As he spoke his gaze fell to the floor, unable to meet the look that Pony was giving him. It was still difficult to think of the incident from the night before as anything other than horribly embarrassing.

There was silence. As Soda stole a glance at Pony he saw that he looked conflicted and uncomfortable. Soda swallowed, feeling nervous. Maybe he shouldn't have confronted Pony on his thoughts.

Finally Pony took a deep breath, seeming to gather his courage. "Did… did you really…" he started slowly, pain in his voice. He took another steadying breath and look up at his brother with wide eyes. "Did you really want to die?"

All at once it was like all the air had been forcibly sucked from his lungs. He closed his eyes for a moment as if in physical pain. He wasn't quite sure what he had expected, but it sure as hell hadn't been this. He had almost forgotten that he had let this horrifying detail slip the night before in the midst of his breakdown. He was even more surprised that that detail had stuck, though deep down he knew he shouldn't be. But what could he do? Deny it? That seemed pointless at this point.

"I…" Soda murmured, unsure what to say.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer," Pony said quickly.

But Soda shook his head. If Pony wanted to do this, then they would do this. "Yes," he said, his voice hoarse. "At the end there I… I wanted to die." There was a painful silence following this. It was suffocating. After a minute Soda felt the desperate need to fill the silence and suddenly words came tumbling out of his mouth. "You've got to understand Pony, I didn't think there was any other way out. I didn't think it was ever gonna end. I had been a prisoner for three and a half years but it felt like so much longer than that. And it was… so much worse than anyone can ever put into words. Least of all me. I thought that the only way I would ever get any relief would be it I… didn't exist anymore."

Suddenly Pony had crossed the room and was standing right in front of Soda. With an effort Soda lifted his gaze to look at his little brother. Pony's eyes were wide and plainly showed the pain that he felt. Soda's heart twisted at the sight. He hated that he had caused this.

"I'm sorry," Pony whispered, his voice wavering. "I'm sorry you felt like that." He paused and took a deep breath. "I… I wanted you to come back to us so badly. But I never thought about what you might be going through. I just… I couldn't. I just wanted you to come home so badly so that everything could be the way it used to be."

Soda dropped his gaze. "Things are never gonna be the way they used to be," he said quietly.

Pony nodded quickly. "I know that. I do." He sighed. "And now I know that I don't care about that." He reached out a hand as if he wanted grasp Soda's shoulder but then hesitated, unsure. He dropped his hand back down and took a step backward. "But… are you glad to be home? Or… or do you still wish…" He couldn't seem to finish the thought. But he didn't need to.

Soda considered this for a few minutes. It was something no one had ever asked him. It was an answer that wasn't really very pretty. But he owed Pony the truth. When he finally spoke he surprised even himself with how steady his voice was. "Sometimes. There were times when I first came home when… when I wished it had ended back there. When I wished that… I hadn't had to put you guys through all of this. When I wished I hadn't come back to you when I was so broken."

"But that doesn't matter to us," Pony said, a note of pleading in his voice.

"But it matters to me," Soda insisted. "It mattered to me that I didn't feel like myself. It mattered that I felt so out of place here. It mattered to me that I came back only to become a burden to my family. It mattered." Soda finally looked up at Pony in time to see his face fall. He took a deep breath as he realized how all that sounded. He went on carefully. "It mattered." He emphasized the past tense. "Things have changed now though. Things are better now."

Pony looked back at him, cautious hope in his features. "Yeah?"

Soda nodded. "Last night was a breaking point of sorts. But… I think I needed that." He was thinking back to Two-Bit words, realizing how much truth and wisdom had been in them. "Things are never gonna be the way they were. But I do think that maybe someday things will be okay again."

A small smile graced Pony's lips. "You mean that?"

"Yeah, I do, kiddo," Soda said, feeling the corner of his mouth pulling upwards in a natural motion. Encouraged by how normal this felt, he reached out one arm. "C'mere." Pony's face broke into a grin at the invitation as he stepped closer. Soda wound his arms around his little brother and held him close.

"God, I missed you," Pony murmured as he squeezed Soda back.

"I missed you too, Pony," Soda said. "Everything's gonna be okay now. I promise." He pulled away slightly. "You want to help me with dinner?"

"Yeah, sure," Pony said.

They fell into a nice rhythm as the worked on making dinner. By the time Darry showed up they had a hot meal on the kitchen table. They sat together at the table for the meal and the conversation flowed comfortably between all three of them. It was the first meal in a long time that Soda felt himself relaxing during and before he knew it he had cleaned his plate without making a conscious effort to do so.

And even though no one commented on it, they all had a silent understanding that this was a milestone. This was a point that they could use to push off of in order to make progress back to more normal lives. Or at least as normal life could be for the family of a soldier who had spent three and a half years as a prisoner of war in a Vietnamese prison camp. But it was enough. It would always be enough.

XxXxX

As time went on Soda used his job at the gas station as a lifeline. He worked full time six days a week, but not because they needed the money. It was so he could feel useful. Fixing cars was something that he was good at and it filled his time. Steve even took on more hours than he had been working before in order to keep up with Soda. Together they found comfort in the work.

Soda would be plagued with nightmares for years to come. He did his best to deal with them, but often he would get so little sleep it would play with his sanity. This often caused Soda to seek out something he could control at all hours of the night. One morning Darry and Pony woke up to find that Soda was nowhere to be found. They had panicked for a good half hour before they finally found him in the driveway working on the truck's brakes. It had seemed odd to them at first, but eventually it had made more sense than anything else had in a long time. Soda found comfort in being able to fix something even if he often felt like he couldn't fix himself. They could understand that if nothing else. This encouraged them to build up projects for Soda to tinker with when he couldn't sleep. It became a form of therapy for Soda in which he was finding it in himself to begin to heal.

And Soda wasn't the only one who needed to heal. Steve quit drinking cold turkey after the night of his car accident and refused to touch the stuff for years to come, even when he struggled with his own demons. It would be many years before he trusted himself to even have the occasional drink with dinner. Thunderstorms would continue to put him on edge years to come, unable able to associate the crack of thunder with anything other than the sound of exploding grenades. Eventually though he would settle down and find comfort in normalcy.

At Ponyboy's college graduation everyone was able to come together. It was a testament to how far they had come in the past two years. They had a photo taken of all five of them together after Pony got his diploma, which Darry had framed and hung up in the living room next to the photo of the four of them from Pony's high school graduation. There was a world of difference between the two photos. In the first one there is a strong sense of strained happiness. They were all proud of Pony, but it was clear they were all painfully aware of who was missing from the photograph. In the second photo there is nothing but happiness. Even Soda grinned widely as he rested one hand on Pony's shoulder, pride in his features at his little brother's accomplishment.

Soda would never marry. He would have several relationships in his life, but distrust was too ingrained in his very being that commitment proved to be a next to impossible task. However he would be an ever present and even enthusiastic uncle to his nieces and nephews, often treating them as surrogate children of his own.

Later in life, Soda would find purpose in being an advocate for homeless veterans and volunteering at a center to help veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder – something that wasn't recognized or even had a name when he suffered from it. His heart went out to all veterans who didn't have anyone to support them. It made him even more appreciative toward his friends and family who never once even considered leaving him on his own.

Scars – both mental and physical – would fade but they would never truly be gone. Dealing with what he went through would be a lifelong battle. But even though he would never be fully rid of his demons, Sodapop Curtis lived a good life. There would be stumbles along his journey and the path he walked was not always a smooth one. But never once did he have to face his struggles alone. And for that he would always be grateful.

The End

Author's Note: Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed any part of this story! This entire series has been a crazy journey for me and has pretty much consumed my life since I posted the first piece of this puzzle almost exactly two years ago! (Days Slide and the Years Go By was posted on April 28th, 2013! The fact that this final chapter was posted exactly two years and one day later was completely unplanned and I only realized it as I was typing out this note, haha!)

Anyway, I am excited to start exploring some new topics since at this point I think I've worked the "Soda goes to Vietnam" angle to death, haha. As some of you may have noticed I've been posting a lot of Harry Potter stuff lately, but never fear, that does not mean I am done with Outsiders fanfiction! I've got a couple one shots to work on, plus another short story that I have two non-consecutive chapters almost complete for (though I'm going to try and get more of it done before I start posting it so I'm not leaving you guys hanging for weeks between chapters since it's going to be very fast paced with a lot of cliffhangers, so don't be surprised if you don't see it for another couple weeks). The list on my profile is a little out of date at the moment, but I hope to update it this weekend to give you guys an idea of what's to come.

Anyway, thank you guys again for sticking with me through this! Reviewers are the best!