I don't know what I was on when I wrote this. Title is just a random song I was listening to cause I couldn't think of one. I have no idea what it means. Some of this was inspired by the wonderful stuff on Tumblr and random youtube videos so if you recognize some quotes, that's why.

Perhaps it was because of his old days when he was a thug and always had to watch his back or at least have someone he trusted watching it for him. Or maybe it started even further back, back when he was an orphan and slept amid a pile of other orphan children not just for warmth but protection as well. Whatever the reason, Levi found that he was unable to sleep alone. If he was in bed by himself he would only toss and turn, growing more and more frustrated and agitated with every hour. For some reason he needed to hear the sound of someone else's breathing, needed to feel the extra weight next to him, even if he isn't touching the other person. It wasn't about sex. Levi found sex rather unsanitary and dirty. All that sweat and saliva and…bodily fluids. Disgusting.

No, this was simply about sleep. Sleep, that elusive demonic angel that always remained outside of his grasp. He needed sleep so bad but in order to sleep Levi needed someone to sleep with.

Erwin was the first one he tried. The Commander was relatively quiet - when he wasn't screaming orders that is - methodical, practical, and sturdy. Levi imagined he slept like a baby. Surely he would with all the stress he dealt with. Sleep must be Erwin's escape, rationalized Levi, the one time when his body and mind could relax and rejuvenate. And thankfully, after a bit of explanation that started off awkwardly, Erwin was willing to oblige him.

"Of course, Levi," said Erwin, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking off his boots. "If it helps you sleep that's fine. The bed is big enough for the both of us."

Levi is incredibly excited, though his facial expression never changes. He hasn't had a good sleep in weeks. To curl up and sleep. A whole night of sleep! Oh how he looked forward to it.

And Erwin's bed, not surprisingly, was huge. Levi could have rolled across it five times without falling off (Erwin typically could only get away with three, which made him think the bed was rather small himself) and it was so soft. The moment Levi put his hand on it he felt like heaven had somehow materialized into physical form before him. Yes heaven had materialized into this bed just for him to sleep on. Sleep. Oh God.

Erwin didn't say good night to him (because that would have been weird). Once they were both situated on their respective sides he simply blew out the light and laid down.

Levi burrowed into the plush sheets like a baby rabbit, a contended sigh escaping his lips. Yes, this was great. Just great. Exactly what he needed. He was going to sleep so well.

A few minutes past in blissful dark silence. On the other side of the bed Erwin twitched. He grunted. Levi ignored this. He could deal with a few little noises. A few minutes past in sweet golden silence. Then.

"Deviant," Erwin grunted. "Right flank. Green smoke signal. Turn left, turn left." He snorted. "Damn bitch."

Levi's eye slit open. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

"Forward." Erwin twitched some more and grunted. "Forward, forward. Detonate the bombs. Draw swords. You can't stop me, Irwin."

Levi sat up. He couldn't believe it. Was the Commander really giving out orders in his sleep?

"Switch to 3dmg gear. Use the trees. Forward, forward. Kill the titans. Empty the carts. Cart team on defense. Big naps."

Levi buried his face in his hands.

"Dicksquad."

His second choice was Mike. Truth be told Levi hadn't had much interaction with Mike. Being the second best after Levi, Mike's was normally put on a different task or in a different area than Levi was. Erwin didn't think it made any sense to have his two best soldiers in the same spot so they were typically separated. Despite that, Levi felt comfortable around the other male and trusted in his ability. So after Erwin, Levi figured Mike was his next best choice.

After some strange expressions and sniffing, Mike agreed to it. His bed was smaller than Erwin's but still big enough they could both reside in it with a decent amount of space between them.

Surely, Levi thought, Mike wouldn't talk in his sleep like Erwin. Mike was pretty quiet overall, only speaking when he had something important to say. He had weird habits, like his incredibly dog like sense of smell, but talking incessantly was not one of them.

However it didn't take long after the lights went out for Levi to discover that, like his sense of smell, Mike had other habits that resembled a canines. In his sleep he growled and snarled. His lips pulled back, exposing his blunt teeth. He whimpered and his arms and legs twitched. By the time his limbs started moving crazily back and forth, apparently in an attempt to chase down something in his dreams, Levi was already out of the bed and halfway out the door.

His next choice, the only other available choice at the time, was Hanji. It was a hard decision. Hanji was weird. Levi knew it and she knew it. Levi had even started to consider that instead of calling deviant titans, well, deviants it would be better to call them Hanjis. But he needed sleep. He needed sleep so damn bad that he would be willing to try with Hanji. Who knew, maybe she would turn out to be one of those people who fell asleep right away and didn't move or budge or make any noise. That would be wonderful.

Hanji agreed to the sleeping arrangements a little more eagerly than Levi found usual. Then again there wasn't really much about Hanji that was usual so he let it slide.

He spent one night with Hanji. Only one night.

He slept good. Too good. And when he woke the next morning, Hanji conveniently already gone, he discovered all sorts of weird measurements and notes on his body. Some even in places he'd prefer not to mention.

The sleep was good but Levi decided in the end that he'd rather lose sleep then become another one of Hanji's experiments. As much as he wanted to help humanity he wasn't about to get molested by Hanji to do so.

There was his squad too.

Out of the four Petra was the best choice. She blushed like a maniac when he approached her but she was aware of his sleeping, errr, condition. Most of the scouting legion knew by now so at least they weren't gossiping behind his back that he was sexing the entire legion anymore. Levi generally didn't care what people thought about him but that rumor had been a little insulting. He had better things to do then be passed around like a bong at a frat party. He had titans to kill after all. And fancy suits to wear. And stuff to clean. Yes that especially.

Besides Levi knew Petra would never deny him. Not only because it was him but because she was the type who wouldn't deny help to someone who is in need.

Sweet darling Petra. He bet she slept like an angel. Maybe on her back with her mouth slightly open, faint breath going in and out steadily, a noise that could soothe him into dreamy sleep. Maybe she would become his bedtime angel.

It started out fine. Her bed was small, of course, and there were only a few scant inches between them but Levi didn't care. He had no attention of initiating anything and Petra was too timid a person to try anything. She curled up on her side, blushing madly and teetering on the edge of the bed. It took her a while to fall asleep but when she finally did Levi sighed. Perfect. So perfect. Everything was perfect.

He was very nearly asleep when Petra smacked him in the face with the back of her hand. She had rolled over onto her back, arms spread out wide, and her hand had planted itself right onto Levi's cheek. Gingerly, Levi took the offending hand and moved it next to Petra's head.

Okay. Maybe that was a one time thing.

It wasn't. Petra tossed and turned more than any other person Levi had ever met and for a asleep person she had incredible accuracy. He didn't know how many times he got a hand in the face, a knee in the back, or her feet kicking him sharply in the calves. It seemed no matter how far or close to her he was she would succeed in hitting him.

When she finally kneed him in the balls, Levi decided he had had enough. He went off to drink some tea and nurse his wounded…parts.

The others were just as bad if not worse.

Auruo was so high strung and freaked out by the situation that there was no way Levi could get relaxed enough to fall asleep. He kept muttering curse words under his breath the entire time. "Damnit, what is the shit. Don't screw with me. Unbelievable." Even if Auruo did sleep wonderfully, Levi concluded that there was no way Auruo would sleep wonderfully with another man in his bed and quit while he was ahead.

Erd was more relaxed about it but he was a notorious blanket hog. Levi would wake up in the middle of night, completely blanket less and shivering, while Erd would be on the other side of the bed wrapped up in every single blanket like he was creating his own cocoon. No matter how Levi tugged on the blankets there was no getting them back.

Gunther was worse. The worse. He wet the bed. Which not only made Levi miss sleep but become very pissed off too. He forced Gunther to clean it up right away, despite it being the middle of the night, and spent the rest of the night nursing his very offended feelings and grievances.

(Then there was that one night when his squad decided to push all their beds together to form one giant mattress so they could all sleep together. That way Levi would have plenty of people to sleep with. So he could sleep.

It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done so despite his reservations Levi indulged them.

Erd kept accusing Auruo of farting, which he wasn't, and Petra had a bad case of the giggles where she found everything funny. Whenever they finally calmed down and things got quiet, Gunther would make a farting noise and the whole charade would start over again.

None of them got any sleep that night and the next day they were virtually useless, except for Levi who was used to functioning with little to no sleep. Despite that, it was one of the fondest memories Levi has, though he prefers not to think about it anymore. It hurts too much to.)

There were others that Levi tried with. Other members of the scouting legion but none of them worked out. Dieter snored like a rutting bull and Moblit. Moblit had refused him outright, muttering he was straight and something about an endangered species. Levi had no idea what he was talking about and chalked it up to the fact that Hanji's weirdness was likely rubbing off on him – or he had been as weird as Hanji to begin with. He even tried Jean, who started crying about some Marco character and half jokes that hurt his feelings.

Then one day he looked up and saw him. Eren. Oh yes, Eren. God he bet Eren slept good. He was so crazy and psychopathic throughout the day that he likely ran out of steam at night and conked out like a dead person. Yes, yes, Eren would probably be the most ideal sleeping partner. Why had Levi never thought about him before?

Well Eren was fifteen. And he was thirty-four. But it was sleep. Just sleep! That was okay then right?

Then again what the hell did Levi care? He was the goddamn Heichou. He could do whatever he damn well liked

And he needed sleep so damn bad. He'd be willing to do almost anything for it at this point.

Levi placed his chin in his hands and stared at Eren throughout the day, thinking about just how wonderful it would be to get some sleep.

In his bed Eren twisted and turned in nervous excitement. He couldn't sleep. Because tonight it was going to happen. Tonight would be the night. Tonight would be the night he would lose his virginity.

He had seen the way Levi had been looking at him throughout the day. Levi wanted him, he knew it. Ever since the day Levi had kicked him in the face and knocked his tooth out Eren knew there was something special between them. Eren had once tried to say to him that he found him strangely attractive and they should get a drink together, but it had come out as muffled garbage and Levi had only looked at him strangely and then ordered him to go clean something. Maybe that was Levi's way of flirting, ordering him to clean stuff and threatening bodily harm on him. It only made sense when it came to Levi.

There was the sound of footsteps outside the door. It was time. He was here. Now Eren would become Levi's waifu.

Eren sat up, preparing to greet his captain and possibly new boyfriend.

Levi stood in front of Eren's door, caught in indecision. He knew this was a stupid idea. He should have asked Eren earlier today but the kid was dumb as a doorknob and likely would have only freaked out and caused a scene. No, approaching him at night when there was no one else around so Levi could properly explain was likely the better course of action. It would at least keep others from knowing anyway.

Levi pushed open the door and raised the lantern to look inside.

Eren was sitting up in his bed, tearing his clothes off and screaming. "Heichou, my body is ready!"

Levi slammed the door shut.

A few hours later Hanji encountered him in the kitchen when she came to get some water. She observed his shadowed expression and stiff posture, and made a hypothesis. "You tried to sleep with Eren, didn't you?"

Levi raised his tea cup shakily to his lips. "Maybe."

"It didn't go very well, did it?"

"No."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No!"

"I have something you can try you know. It's a herb we just discovered but it seems to have relaxing properties to it that may help you relax. Interested?"

Levi raised his head to look at her. "Perhaps…"

A few weeks later and the bags under Levi's eyes had nearly disappeared. He looked more well-rested than anyone had ever seen, although sometimes he seemed a little disjointed and slow. Jean had even found him talking to his horse one day, telling the beast supposedly great ideas that made no sense at all, and Mikasa had watched him walk into a wall multiple times, accusing the wall of moving into his way.

So one day Erwin couldn't help but ask him, "Did you find something that has helped you sleep?"

"Oh yea." Levi grinned like a feral cat and dug into his jacket. He held up the plastic baggie. Inside it were green chunks that Erwin did not recognize. "I found the good shit!"

For all those poor people out there like me who never get enough sleep or just can't sleep.