I'm so sorry, readers. Personal issues required me to take an extended hiatus from this story as well as multiple other facets of my life. I don't want to go into details... but I really am sorry for the lack of updates. Shout out to everyone who sent me messages of support on tumblr/in comments/in reviews. You know who you are, you wonderful people.
Moving on, I have an exceptionally dramatic chapter in store for you tonight. Don't worry, they won't always be so angsty. Let me know what you think of it, all the same. Usual TWs apply. Oh, and there may be some formatting mistakes... I'll come back and check them in a couple days, got a big Uni deadline to focus on first though. x

Castiel didn't bother detouring home to get his bike. He just started walking and didn't stop until he'd trekked up the excessively long driveway that led to his destination. He knocked impatiently, forgoing the ornate door knocker to rap directly against the wood in a small, inconsequential act of defiance that he wished would have made him feel a little less pathetic. It never made the slightest bit of difference, but that didn't deter him. Cas could be persistent.

And, apparently, he noted as the door swung open to reveal an irate Lilith - infuriating.

Lilith's annoyance faded immediately as she realized it was him, a flirtatious smile slowly replacing her glare. The change of expression fell short of its intended effect, and only succeeded in making Cas sigh. She opened her mouth to greet him with the usual snide and/or suggestive comment, but as she looked at him, really, properly looked... she lost the urge. "What the hell happened to you?" she asked finally, and if Cas didn't know any better he might've thought that she was genuinely concerned. But, it just so happened he did, and so he fixed her with a lifeless stare. "What," he began tiredly, leaning his head against the door frame. "Are you telling me you actually give a shit?" Lilith paused, seeming to consider the question for a moment before giving up the pretense. "No. I guess not." She moved aside, holding the door wide in grudging invitation. Cas stepped over the threshold, bringing in the cold.

He followed Lilith as she slunk away, cat-like, leading him through the depths of the house and into the den. The rest of the group were lounging about, all in various states of debauchery. They were a pack of insatiable wolves, and Castiel a fawn, naively entering their lair. "Look who decided to show," Lilith announced. A variety of lustful glances, shot his way, formed the mutual greeting.

"It's about time you came back, Clarence," Meg said in her lilting, sing-song voice, as she approached him. She came to stand uncomfortably close, staring up at him and leaning into his chest. "You know, we were almost starting to think we'd scared you off. The den of iniquity…" Meg trailed off, stepping back and gesturing at the room around her, "Well. It just hasn't felt as… iniquitous, lately. Not without you here." She shot a knowing smirk at him before bending and scooping a bottle of Absolut from the coffee table. "Crowley's not here. It's been a slow night. I want to see what kind of lunatic plan that deliciously unhinged mind of yours can come up with this time," she cooed, handing him the bottle. Cas's hand closed automatically around the neck, and he looked at her impassively; straight-faced as she relinquished her hold. "Don't disappoint, me, angel-face," she said, her syrupy voice laced with poison.

The bottle felt heavier than it should have when Cas raised it to his lips. The sharp liquid tasted like despair. With a shiver, he shoved the thought down, drowning it in an unmeasured sip.

Meg lead him further into the room, pushing him down onto the floor in front of the sofa. Ruby sat behind him, caressing his shoulders, trailing clawed scarlet nails through his hair and raking them under his shirt. Lilith straddled his legs and kissed him indelicately. Cas responded vacantly to her efforts, putting his body on autopilot as he hid himself away in his mind. An indiscernible amount of time passed that way, Cas only ever breaking the kiss to force more vodka down his throat. Sensing his lack of enthusiasm Lilith pulled away, climbing off him and exiting his blurred field of vision. When she returned, she sat herself comfortably in his lap once again. "Try this, baby," she purred, placing an unidentifiable, bright blue capsule in the palm of his hand and folding his fingers around it. "It'll make you feel so good."

"What is it?" he managed to slur out.

She rolled her eyes. "It's just a little K, Castiel. Nothing you haven't had before."

Cas didn't even consider refusing. He knocked it back with a gulp from the rapidly emptying bottle; without further question or pause.

"Good boy," Ruby breathed over his shoulder, nails tightening against his chest. "You'll be on the ceiling in no time. Just wait for it to kick in."

For the rest of the group, the next hour passed by in a forgettable, unremarkable blur... but Castiel experienced total clarity. While he didn't drift off into the K-hole as he had so often - too often, in the past, he did experience the lightness Ruby had promised. Moments after downing the pill, he began to levitate. He floated softly upwards until he was hanging in the air several feet above his own body.

Like the rose that chased the sun; or the iris that lent its hue to his gaze, he climbed. Higher and higher he ascended, vying for space, vying for freedom, vying for air. Out of the ashes, as the phoenix, he was reborn. He rose, and he glided through the heavens on wings that trailed fire.

Hovering there, suspended above the earth for a sempiternal moment… Castiel was serene. Superlunary. Celestial. Everything left him, disconnecting and drifting off into the ether, like the disposable components of a shuttle that had reached its final orbit.

Pain: disengage. Sadness: disengage. Heartbreak, hatred, fury…

Lucas.

Dean.

Disengage.

Slowly, the effects of the Ketamine began to wear off, and Castiel felt himself beginning to sink. The flowers withered and died. The phoenix entered the next phase of its cycle; bursting into flame, burning up in the atmosphere upon re-entry. All of his problems hurtled back towards him, caught up in his gravitational pull. They were asteroids on a collision course, crashing forcefully into his incorporeal form as he plummeted back to Earth.

Castiel came back to himself slowly, and then all at once, struggling to keep a grip on the bottle that was somehow still in his hand, until he realized it was empty and tossed it aside in vexation.

"This is ground control to Major Tom..." Lilith sang under her breath, smirking sardonically at him. The others fell about laughing, though Castiel didn't have the energy to appreciate her wit. "Lilith, don't fuck around," he said desperately, leaning forwards to ask, "What else have you got?"

After that, Cas took whatever pills the others passed him, letting the girls ply him with alcohol while he sat back and tripped. He barely stirred when Lilith began to kiss him again, or when she unzipped his jeans and began to stroke him in plain view of the others. He didn't even register Brady joining them on the floor, his hand replacing Lilith's, and a moment later, his mouth, too.

"C'mon, Castiel…" he coaxed between kisses, pulling back to whisper in his ear. "Let me fuck you. I know you want it."

And that was just it. He did. He did want it. Cas had wanted to get fucked up, and now... he wanted to get fucked.

Cas leaned forwards and pulled Brady firmly towards him, kissing him roughly and pressing a hand into his crotch. Brady moaned into his mouth at his consent, pulling him to his feet, They ignored the half-hearted catcalls and wolf-whistles the rest of the group tossed their way, and made for the downstairs bedroom - though not without Brady groping Castiel every few steps along the way. When they finally made it, Brady pushed him roughly into the room, slamming the door shut behind himself. He threw Cas down onto the bed and climbed on top of him, pinning him down so he could pull his shirt off and haul his jeans and underwear down his thighs. He hastily rearranged his own clothes just enough to free his penis. Brady then pushed Castiel over onto his stomach, nudged his legs apart and shoved two fingers inside him at one, prepping him perfunctorily - for ease of access rather than wanting to make the sex more comfortable for his partner. Cas cried out, half in pleasure and half in pain, bucking back against Brady's fingers.

"You're such a little slut, Castiel," he moaned, as Cas squirmed.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a total fucking whore," Cas murmured, jerking his hips impatiently. He turned his head impatiently, urging over his shoulder, "Just shut up and fuck me already." Brady didn't hesitate to do as he said, rolling on a condom before gripping Cas's hips and pulling him up onto his hands and knees. He draped himself over Castiel's back and slammed brutally into him, burying himself right up to the hilt. Cas cried out again, but this time it was solely out of pain. He didn't voice his discomfort, but gritted his teeth and attempted to adjust. This was no more than he deserved. In fact, it didn't hurt enough.

After a few deep, staccato thrusts, Brady grunted frustratedly, pulling out and manhandling Castiel into position so his head was pressed into the pillows and his ass raised high in the air. Cas braced himself against the headboard as Brady pushed back in and began to fuck him at a punishing pace, telling him repeatedly that he was a dirty cockslut; a filthy little tease who looked great on the end of his dick, getting his ass fucked like a pornstar. That sex was all he was good for.

Cas tuned it out, tears of pain and humiliation welling in his eyes as he allowed his body to be used. He was thankful that Brady had chosen such an impersonal position, as it allowed him to hide his face.

The other man was right… sex was all he was good for. He had nothing else. He was nothing else. Nothing but a warm, willing hole for Brady - for countless nameless, faceless men, to fuck.

So what if no-one truly cared for him? So what if nobody wanted to kiss him softly, hold him tight, and tell him they loved him… to stroke his hair and make slow, gentle love to him and say, 'Baby, everything's gonna be okay.' To promise, 'I'm here, I love you, and I'm never leaving.'

That was fine. Cas was fine with that.

And hey, so what if Dean didn't want him?! Castiel didn't care. He couldn't exactly blame the other boy, and honestly, Cas had known it was only a matter of time before someone else snapped him up. And now they had, and Dean had Lisa. A lovely, decent, well brought up girl, who Cas himself had cast aside. Lisa, who wasn't a whore, who didn't get off on being abused. Who didn't take drugs, didn't smoke, and certainly didn't cut. A nice girl who came from a nuclear family and had a future… maybe even a future Dean could share. Someone who had killer looks, self-respect and a healthy mind. Not one which, as Meg had said, was 'deliciously unhinged.'

Dean didn't want him.

Cas shut his eyes, tears overflowing as Brady spilled inside him.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Cas came to slowly the next morning, lying face down on a hard, unrelenting surface. There was something scratching his face. He inhaled and detected the fresh smell of dew and… was that… freshly cut-

"Grass?"

He opened his eyes, groaning as the various aches and pains residing in his body made themselves known.

Raising himself onto his hands and knees, he almost collapsed back to the ground as a wave of dizziness overtook him. 'What the fuck happened to me last night?' he wondered. It took him some time to stumble to his feet, as he kept overbalancing and sprawling onto the grass. Once he finally managed to stand, (still frequently swaying and coming perilously close to falling) Cas looked around, trying to figure out where he'd ended up.

He was surrounded by greenery. Trees encircled him, towering above his head. He could hear what sounded like rushing water coming from somewhere nearby, and determined he must be near the river. He started to walk aimlessly, relying on his instincts, squinting against the morning sun. As he journeyed through the trees, his surroundings slowly started to feel more and more familiar. He was certain he'd seen that stream before… and he definitely recognized that crooked oak. He took a right, ducking between two barren pear trees, and came to a stop in the clearing he'd turned into.

He did know this place. It was the park where Dean had brought him, the day Cas had fallen in love with him. This was the exact spot where they had lain together under the stars. Cas stared helplessly at the ground. The imprints they had left in the grass were still - impossibly - there, the daisies they had thoughtlessly crushed lying desolate within the areas of flattened grass; broken beyond repair.

Just like him.

Castiel didn't know why that particular thought struck him as powerfully as it did. But it resonated within his chest, chilling his veins, leaving him stricken and aching with sorrow.

The incessant buzzing of his cell phone pulled him out of his rumination. He startled, recovering quickly and searching his left pocket before finding it in his right. He picked up on the last ring, bringing it to his ear without getting a look at the caller ID.

"... Hello?"

"Cas!"

Castiel winced, massaging his temple with the hand that wasn't holding the phone, as his oldest brother yelled directly into his ear.

"Cassie, are you okay?! Say something!"

"Michael. I'm fine… I think," Cas replied, subtly attempting to assess the damage. Apart from a few grass stains and a pounding headache, plus the soreness that came from spending the night on the ground - not to mention the ruthless fucking… he was unscathed.

Upon hearing that he wasn't in any immediate danger, Michael's tone changed completely, sheer panic shifting to righteous fury as he demanded, "Where the fuck are you?!"

Cas cursed, silently. Michael swearing was never a good sign. "Mike, calm down-"

"Don't you DARE tell me to calm down, Castiel! Do you have any idea - any at all, how terrified I've been?! Do you even know what kind of hell you put me through today? Every single fucking time you pull this bullshit?!"

Cas listened in shameful silence, horrified to hear Michael' voice actually break. Michael took a moment to collect himself before commanding in a voice that was dangerously calm, "Tell me where you are."

Cas knew better than to argue with him, sensing the full extent of how livid he was and shrinking a little in response. He complied with his brother's command and told him the name of the park.

"I'll be there in ten minutes," came the curt reply. "Don't move."

Michael's cherry red Audi R8 came to a stop in front of Cas, and he climbed timidly into the passenger seat. He put as much attention as he could into securing his seat belt, putting off looking up at his big brother. When he couldn't avoid it any longer, he dared a quick glance across to the driver's seat. But Michael wasn't even looking at him. His eyes were fixed resolutely on the road, their gray-blue centres hard and sharp like flint. His knuckles were white, hands tight on the steering wheel, jaw clenched and conveying his anger. He didn't say anything, and so they drove home in tense, charged silence.

Cas sat back and wondered what had changed. It wasn't like he hadn't done this before. Granted, Michael rarely ever yelled at him, and almost never swore, so when he did it tended to mean Cas had fucked up big time. But the silence… it was incredibly unnerving. The method was new, and about ten times worse than anything else his brother could have chosen to punish him with. However, Cas didn't dare to break it, out of fear that Michael would erupt.

Maybe, Cas thought to himself, Michael had finally reached his limit. Maybe this time, he'd managed to fuck up one time too many for even his perpetual brother to handle.

When they got back to the house, Michael got out of the car, slamming the door behind him and striding inside without waiting for Cas. Swallowing heavily, Castiel followed. He stepped inside and stopped at what he saw. Michael was waiting for him, arms crossed and expression fierce. Both Gabriel and Balthazar were standing just behind him, mirroring his posture exactly. Their clothes were rumpled. It was obvious none of them had slept.

Cas wasn't sure which of his three brothers looked angrier. He couldn't decide who to look at, and so he settled his gaze on the floor.

"What were you thinking, Cas?"

At his silence, Michael's eyes flashed. "Well? Explain."

"I…" Cas opened his mouth to apologize. But what came out instead was, "I think this is an overreaction."

His brothers just gazed at him, silent and uncomprehending.

"I mean… in light of past events," Cas continued, attempting to fill the silence, "this is nothing new for me. So why are you making this into such a big deal? Why do you care?"

Michael didn't look angry anymore. He eyed Cas warily, looking almost scared. Balthazar took his silence as a cue to continue. He made an impatient sound, crossing his arms even tighter against his chest. "Oh, come on, Cassie. Wandering around beside the bloody Kansas river, alone, after dark, intoxicated? You know how strong that current is. You could have been killed!"

Cas shrugged, entirely uncaring.

"See?" Balthazar exploded. "This is exactly what I was talking about last week!" He turned to Michael, flinging his arms out dramatically. "By the way, guess who's been hanging around with a certain Mr McLeod again."

Michael's eyes widened and he turned to look at Cas in shock. "Is that true?"

Cas lowered his eyes. Michael continued to stare at him numbly, like he didn't even know who he was anymore.

"Cassie," Gabriel said sadly, once the news had truly sunk in. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Cas stiffened. "I don't know what you mean."

"The way you act, Cas…" Gabriel said despairingly, shaking his head, "You make it seem like you don't care whether you live or die."

"It's like you don't care! Like you don't even want to live!"

"I don't."

Silence. Reeling silence.

"What?" Michael croaked, coming out of his trance, staring at Castiel in fresh horror as all the blood rushed from his face. "What did you say?"

"I said I don't, Michael. I don't care." Cas shook his head. "I'd deserve it. Like it'd even be a loss."

Michael opened and closed his mouth a few times, completely blindsided. "Cas… how could you think that?" he finally moaned.

"I don't 'think', Michael," Cas responded with a shake of his head. "I know."

"You're wrong," his brother responded adamantly, shaking his head. "You're so wrong. Cas, if something happened to you... it would destroy us. It would kill me."

"So I was right," Balthazar realized abruptly, capturing everyone's attention. "Everything I said to you at school…"

"You were," Cas told him assuredly, looking steadfastly away from his brothers, into the corner of the room.

"You can't think we don't love you, Cassie," Gabriel interjected uncertainly. "'Cause we do, more than anything. There's literally nothing we wouldn't do for you. You know that, right?"

"No, Gabriel, I know," Cas murmured. "But I don't deserve to be loved."

"... What does that even mean?" Michael asked frantically. "What's wrong with you, Cassie?"

Cas stood still for a moment, contemplating his answer. He was just so tired. He found himself too drained to evade, to lie, even to break down. Unwilling and unable to explain. "I hate myself, Mike," he confessed. "And... I just want to die."

More silence... until, suddenly, it was shattered by a broken sob. Castiel shut his eyes, head turned determinedly away, unable to watch his eldest brother cry.

"This is all my fault."

Castiel's head whipped around lightening-fast. "What?! Michael, no-"

"It is," Michael insisted quietly. "This is one hundred per cent on me."

"No. Don't say that-"

Michael lunged forwards, grabbing his wrists, and by the time Cas realized what he was doing, it was too late to stop him. "Mike, don't!"

Michael rolled up Cas's sleeves and held out his arms, baring his wounds for all of them to see.

"You see," he said quietly, staring at the cuts his younger brother had deliberately inflicted on himself. "This is what you've been doing to yourself, on my watch. I'm supposed to protect you. I'm supposed to keep you safe. And I've failed." He let go of Castiel and opened the front door, stepping through and pulling it shut behind him with a click. A beat passed before they heard a car engine starting, and Michael's car tearing out of the driveway.

Castiel stared after him for several minutes, in a daze. He didn't snap out of it until Balthazar stepped in front of him, blocking his view. "You idiot, Cassie," he said softly, wrapping his arms around his brother's delicate frame. "You moron." Cas refused to break, even as Gabriel moved in. He stared over Balthazar's shoulder, gaze floating up the stairs.

That night, Castiel refused to eat or speak. Before he went to bed, he cut seven neat lines into his left bicep.

Michael didn't return.