Dear Reader

This is not based on the Hellsing universe, rather the Hellsing Abridged universe. As a side note if you haven't seen Hellsing Abridged yet, you should.

Chapter One- Real Fucking Vampires

Kanaya woke up from her nap and began to glow, as she tends to do in dark areas. She then walked around the dark and dirty basement where she had been sleeping for the past few hours… Wait what? How did she get here? She didn't know and she was just now starting to realize that. There were voices coming from upstairs. She could here two people talking to each other "I love you Edward" one of the voices said "I love you too Bella" the other responded. then there was a knock on the door upstairs. One of the muffled voices asked, "Who is it?"

"Oh you know…." There was a flurry of gunfire that lasted for a few seconds. "A real fucking vampire!"

What in the actual hell was going on here? Kanaya contemplated about what she should do. She didn't want to go upstairs where a murderous maniac might be, but then again there couldn't be any real harm seeing as the mysterious man was killing only fake vampires. Besides Kanaya had plenty of experience dealing with murderous lunatics, so she decided to take a risk and go upstairs. When she got up there she could only find a body riddled with bullets, and she heard voices coming from the roof now. She didn't see a problem in climbing up onto the roof, but she couldn't for the life of her figure out what they were doing up there.

"Hey police girl she's getting away"

"Just give me a second to line up the shot"

"She running"

"I know I'm lining up the-"

"Your going to miss it, hey, hey police girl police-" An echoing shot rang through the area.

"There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead and there is blood everywhere!" Kanaya had made it up to the roof and was now standing behind these two unidentified people.

"Um… I Beg Your Pardon But Could You Two Tell Me Where This Is?" Alucard and Seras stood there, staring at Kanaya in an awkward silence.

"Welp, glowing demon bitches is where I draw the line. You can take care of this right police girl?"

"Um…"

"Great! You two have fun." Alucard then exploded into a thousand bats and flew off into the night. Seras stared at Kanaya not sure what Alucard meant when he asked her to take care of it.

"Um…"

"I Think I May Have Somehow Switched Cannons."

"Oh, well I guess that makes sense." Again, an awkward silence.

"So, My Name Is Kanaya Maryam, What's Yours?"

"Seras Victoria, nice to meet you."

"Nice To Meet You As Well."

"So… What do we do now?"

"I Suppose We Just Let This Experiment In Universe Swapping Writing Play Out."

"How long will that take?"

"4, Maybe 5 Chapters. There Can't Be That Much Sustenance Here."

"Ok, in the mean time you want to stay at my place? It's a mansion."

"That Sounds Lovely."

Hours later they arrived at the Hellsing mansion. Upon entering Walter greeted them at the door.

"Hello miss Seras how did the mission g-" Walter caught a glimpse of Kanaya, then turned around and walked away. "Fucking fanfiction writers." He muttered to himself. Not long after that Alucard walked through the wall and into the room.

"Police girl you're back! Good now you can help me find some goats, there's a car I want to paint." Alucard noticed Kanaya standing behind Seras. "What exactly do you think I meant when I asked you if you could take care of the situation?"

"But master she-"

"Don't you 'but master' me, young lady. You decapitate that glowing demon bitch right now."

"My Name Is Kanaya." Kanaya said straitening her stance upright and clenching her fists.

"Excuse me?" Kanaya began to walk towards Alucard.

"I Said My Name Is Kanaya Maryam, And It Would Do You Well To Remember That."

"Are you fronting me right now? That's cute, how old are you, 13 14?

"Actually I'm 7 Sweeps Of Age."

"Meh, close enough, but regardless, you don't want any of this, trust me.

"I'll Be The Judge Of That." Kanaya said pulling out her lipstick.

"And what, pray tell, do you plan on doing with that?"

"Oh You Know," She then revved up her chainsaw. "Probably Sawing You Down The Fucking Middle!" At that moment Integra ran into the room.

"Alucard! What did I tell you about your late night chainsaw parties!?" Integra stopped, taken back by Kanaya's appeance.

"She needs a place to stay." Seras said noticing the confusion on Integra's face. She looked at Kanaya then at Seras then turned away and walked off.

"She's sleeping in your room Alucard." She said as she walked off.

"But she's the police girls friend!"

"No buts young man, now show her to your room."

"Ugh, fine. Looks like we'll have to continue this discussion later. Props for turning your lipstick into a chainsaw by the way."

"What Chainsaw?" Kanaya asked as she put her lipstick back into her Sylladex. Alucard smiled.

"You know something, I misjudged you. You are now my new favorite person, but I'm still going to call you demon bitch. It's nothing personal I just hate using names."