Not beta'd all mistakes are mine

The mental exhaustion begins to wash over me as soon as I enter my car. However, as the engine purrs to life I can't help the ghost of a smile that graces my lips. In a strange way I almost feel free, as if some huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Nowhere close to where I want to and need to be, but it's a start. And it feels good. Still, there was the feeling of guilt that hangs heavily on my heart about what had happened the other week regarding the blonde. I briefly think to stop by and apologize for my behavior but the idea is dismissed as quickly as it comes. Not only is it late but I am still left mentally reeling.

Besides, what will I say anyway? An apology would demand an answer and that was something I most certainly didn't have. At the very least she doesn't deserve to be dragged around by my indecision.

I waltz into the lobby of my apartment complex and take the elevator up to my floor. Once inside, I shrug off my purse and jacket and throw my keys haphazardly onto the kitchen table. The silence was deafening but welcomed as a stark contrast to the buzzing in my mind. I eye what's left in the bottle of wine but decide against it in the end and head straight to bed.

I dream about the early years of my marriage with Jacob. Of his loving touch, soft eyes, and gentle caress. The way he used to surprise me with small gifts, like flowers, and bring them all the way to my office. I dream about how beautiful his dimpled smile was on our wedding day when I lovingly whispered the words 'I do.' I also remember how crestfallen his face was when we learned of our infertility, and how quickly he came to my side to console me. I dream about all the good things our marriage held as well as the bad and everything in-between.

There is no surprise when I wake up to the tears sliding down the side of my face. I allow myself to feel the emptiness in my chest as I go through my daily processes. This familiar hollow ache I have become all too accustomed to. And when I feel like it starts to become too much I dial one of the few numbers I know by heart.

She answers on the second ring.

"Bella! Oh thank goodness I was so worried about you since you haven't been returning my calls."

"I know, I'm sorry." I bite my lip for pause. "Are you free to come over today or are you working?"

Laughter bubbles up from the other line. "For you? Babe I'm always free. I'll be there lickity split! Do you want me to bring anything? Ice cream? Some wine? My Netflix account? But please no Netflix and chill that's more of your thing Bella."

"Alice!" I hiss with an undertone of playfulness.

"Ok! Be there soon bye!"

The line dies before I can add a quick retort. I shake my head softly before getting up and setting to work straitening up my apartment. Not because it needed to be, but for the sake to keep myself occupied to starve off the impending anxiety. I don't have to wait long however. True to her word Alice, is bursting through my door in record time.

"Sorry I'm a little late I hurried over here as fast as I could. And I also brought you your favorite ice-cream," she proudly presents the small pint of cookie dough flavored ice-cream. With a flushed face and erratic breathing I can only imagine her actually sprinting along to make it.

"What would I do without you Alice?"

"It's hard to say if you would be better or worse. But I like to go with assumption that I add great depth and joy to your life," she shrugs carelessly, seating herself on the couch. She gestures to the empty spot next to her and I accept the invitation. It's not until I have plunged the spoon into the frozen dessert that she speaks again.

"So I don't mean to pry but usually when you disappear for weeks on end that means something important has happened." She leans into her hands and knit her brows in thought. "I won't lie, I learned from Rosie about what happened between you two a couple of weeks ago but nothing in detail. She just told me you guys had a small disagreement."

I savor the taste of the ice-cream for a moment before retelling what had happened that night in vivid detail. I also add in the visit from Jacob yesterday as well as the visit to my mother's house. When I am finished the retelling Alice stares at me with mouth slightly agape and both eyebrows perched high on her forehead.

"Wow ok I don't even know where to start."

"You're telling me."

"Or really even what to say," she continues. "This type of information is not in my best friend handbook."

I begin to apologize but she quickly cuts me off.

"Nope, I won't have anything of that; you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I just take this role very seriously. Anyway, I'm a corporate lawyer so I don't have enough knowledge on the inner circle of judges but I do know that they rarely get in trouble, usually just a slap on the wrist. With that being said, I have connections and may be able to get you in for an appeal. But that woman knows the law better than I do and even if she repeals that ridiculous stipulation she'll find ways to legally drag her feet through the entire process."

I can't help the sigh that slips past my lips.

"I'm sorry I wish I can tell you it's going to be easy but it's not going to be." She tucks a short lock of hair behind her ear. "But I'll see what I can do."

I nod in understanding while placing the empty container on the side table.

Alice wets her lips. "I do want to talk about everything else though, like Jacob for starters. Do you think he's actually serious?"

I crinkle my forehead in confusion. "Serious about what?"

"Like actually wanting to move on. Do you think he's really wiping his hands with this situation or is this some type of game he's playing?"

I think about the question for a long time. "No," I drawl. "I don't believe so. I would at least like to say I know him well enough to know when he's being serious and when he is joking. Neither one of us are quite over each other, I personally don't know if I'll ever be, but I think he really wants to start over in his new life."

"How do you feel about that?"

I take even longer to answer with question as I mull over the implication of her words. "Well, at first I was sad, and then oddly relieved. The more I think about it however, I can't help but to feel a little bitter about the whole thing. And I feel terrible for feeling this way but I can't help it. Like I feel like I got stuck with the shitty end of the stick. He gets to move on with a family and be happy and do the things he wants to do but I feel like my life is stuck on the pause button."

Just like that I can feel something snap from deep down inside of me and I start to feel strangely talkative, and oddly irritated.

"It's not his fault, and I know it's not his fault but damn this seems to be a recurring thing happening in my life. Jacob gets to skip happily with Quil, Renee gets to live happily ever after with Phil. And when I asked her why, why she did everything she did you want to know what she told me?"

I don't give Alice enough time to answer.

"She told me that it was worth it. Everything she did to obtain her happiness was absolutely worth it. Worth more than Charlie. Worth more than me."

It feels like a cloud of rage has settled over my head and I couldn't stop the word vomit that was now following out of my mouth.

"When will people stop making me their stepping path on their everlasting quest to happiness? Do I just have a sigh on my back that says 'please abandon me'?"

Alice gazes at me with a mixture of concern and pity. And for some inexplicable reason it just serves to piss me off more.

"Don't look at me like that," I snap. "I'm tired of everyone looking at me like I'm some broken toy that needs fixing."

"Woah Bella I'm not your enemy here." Alice holds her hands up in defense and studies me warily. "I'm on your side and I'm here to support you. You need to take a few breaths, try to calm down."

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, per her instruction, before I can feel my mind become clear again. "I'm sorry, I don't really know where that come from," I finally say after a few tense minutes.

"Really? Because I do," Alice smirks. "And no offense taken. You have a very valid point Bella, you've been a metaphorical punching bag for a really long time. Always complacent, always allowing. I think you're just becoming tired of it."

I mull over her words.

"I love you for it Bella don't get me wrong, but you're always a little too willing to please to the point that it takes all of you. It's a great attribute to have, but everyone has their limit and you seems to be approaching yours."

"Yeah," I agree slowly. "Maybe you're right."

"Oh course I'm right." The pixie rolls her eyes playfully. "But this is good! Feel angry, be upset for a little while. For years you've just been sad or not feeling." The playful look is soon replaced by one of longing and sadness. "I miss you Bella. The real you. The confident and funny version of you."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. Stop being sorry. Be anything but sorry. You're probably feeling a little fed up right now, a little pissed off. You may not realize it, but for a first time in a long time you are actually feeling something." Alice suddenly jumps from the couch excitedly. "Which means we are taking a big step in the right direction. Good thing is I know exactly where to take you to blow off some of that stream."

The amount of excitement the small woman was giving off was almost palpable. "Why do I feel like this is going to be a bad idea?"

It's a bad idea.

I was already regretting my decision to be here.

Alice, true to her word, had driven me to an upscale gay club in the heart of downtown. She nonstop babbled about how excited she was, and how much fun we were going to have, but all it served to do was give me foul headache. I would have called it off but seeing how excited my best friend was I figured I couldn't do it to her.

I sigh as I exit the car while watching Alice give the keys to the valor.

"Lighten up Bella! This is going to be such a fun night I can practically feel it. Ah! How are you not excited?" She drags me forward, pass the bouncer who simple nods his approval, and into the club.

I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting, but it looked completely normal. Like any regular club. I shake my head to myself. Of course it would be normal there's nothing wrong with these group of people; they're just different. I pause momentarily to focus on that train of though.

I'm different.

"Ok Bella I'm going to track down some hot momma to rock your world tonight! Stay put so I can find you when I locate her. Be back in a jiffy!" She excited exclaims as before I could even protest her ludacris mission. I scan the area for a while but when I see nothing of particular interest I make my way to the bar to order any fruity drink I can get my hands on.

"Isabella? Wow did not expect to see you here yet here you are in the flesh!" I swivel on the bar stool to find the source of the high pitched voice.

"Eric!" I exclaim, genuinely happy to see a face I recognize here. "What the hell are you doing here?"

His mouth twitches with almost unrestrained laughter. "Me? Sweetheart I practically live here. The better question is why you, the CEO of a major company, is doing here? I don't think anyone will recognize you but you never know with the press seemingly always lurking around."

"Are you trying to say I'm not as famous as I thought I was?" My attempt of maintaining a hurt façade was hindered by the laughter threatening to spill from my lips. "But to answer your question, one word, Alice."

Eric bobs his head in understanding before gesturing me to follow him. I exit from the stool with my drink in tow and follow him to a secluded part of the club where he then slides into a booth. I follow suit.

"What are you drinking anyway?" He asks while eyeing my drink suspiciously.

I shrug. "No idea. It's called twilight but I have no clue what's in it." I take a small sip to try to identify any ingredient. "I'm a wine drinker so you'll have to excuse my lack of knowledge," I chuckle while taking another sip.

"Ah I see. But I want to move onto the juicer details of your life. The last time I saw you we were talking about Ms. You-know-who. Did she wind up doing anything for your birthday?"

"Well," I drawl. "She planned this elaborate event for my birthday in which she has Alice practically abduct me, take me out shopping for an entire outfit for the night and then treats me to an extravagant dinner on the roof of some fancy hotel. Normally, I absolutely abhor surprises but this one was really nice. She, of course, was not happy with the knowledge of me wanting to establish my own place again, but eventually agreed when I promised to live close by and copy a key for her.

"Anyway, it got kinda weird towards the end, and I was well drunk at this point so my memory is a little fuzzy, but then I met this woman named Tanya."

At the mention of her name Eric's passive face morphed into one of pleasant surprise.

"I'm assuming you know her?"

"Of course I do but we're not here to talk about me so continue your story before you get sidetracked."

I shrug again and flag down a waiter to bring me a second drink. "Tanya then goes on to tell me that she had slept with Rosalie. So, I mean, reasonably I drew the conclusion that she is not opposed to viewing woman in a more sexual way."

Eric visibly inflates at that statement. "Well we at least no she's no stranger to the lady loving town." I cringe at his crude terminology. "So why have; you made a move yet? I mean from what you tell me it sounds like she could potentially be into you too."

"You're starting to sound like Alice now," I grimace. "But to make the incredibly long story short, she kissed me."

"She what," Eric practically screams. I hush him quickly when a few heads turn our way.

"Not only that, she confessed to actually having feelings for me."

Eric, practically bouncing in his seat, squeals in delight. "This is fantastic! How is the relationship so far?"

"Well I panicked when it was all happening and may have made her leave?"

"What," he deadpans. "Why the hell are you not running into the arms of that woman?"

"It's not that simple. Am I just supposed to confess how I feel, she accepts me with open arms and we have a happy relationship with each other including two point five kids, a white picket fence, and some scrappy dog? I take a minute to pause.

"I don't see what the issue is?" Eric comments warily.

"The issue is me," I deadpan. "I just feel like my life has been completely out of control. My divorce isn't even finalized yet and it was hard enough coming to terms with that. To be frank, I want my sexuality, whatever it is, to be the least of my concerns right now and have nothing to do with it. Unfortunately, it wants everything to do with me."

I decline when the server asks if I wanted a third drink. I had absolutely no intentions of getting drunk tonight and the buzz I'm feeling is more than enough to satisfy me.

"I get what you're saying Isabella I really do. When I was going through the same thing years ago I felt the exact same way. But it's going to drive you insane until you do something about it. Now I'm sorry to be a horrible host but as you can see," he gestures to a group of very drunk young men, "I have an issue I need to solve over there."

"I thought you were a hairdresser?"

"I am," he claims as he rises to take his leave. "My best friend owns the bar so I help out whenever I can. I'll be right back because we are nowhere done with this conversation little missy."

With that, Eric sets off to the group of rowdy boys on the other side of the bar. I sit alone for a few more minutes briefly wondering where Alice was.

"I thought he would never leave."

Startled, I look up to see no one other than Tanya slide into the booth. "It's nice to see you again Isabella, I didn't think I would run into you at a place like this."

She giggles and grabs what little of my drink remains and finishes it. "That was for your own good trust me. I don't want to see you as drunk as you were when I first met you."

I quirk an eyebrow at the action but smile nonetheless. "Tanya, long time no see."

"Well it didn't have to be that way if you would have let me get your number before I was shooed off," she juts her bottom lip out into a pout and I take the time to notice how glossy it was. "But I suppose it couldn't be helped since you're dating that blonde bombshell."

"Rosalie? I am most certainly not dating her."

Tanya's lips quirk into a smirk. "Oh? It just looked like you two were on a very nice, and expensive might I add, date. You'll have to excuse me for making assumptions but normally friends don't go out of their way for each other like that."

I take the time to mull over what she says. "Perhaps not, but we are not together in that sense. I didn't even know Rosalie was into women until you mentioned it, or that you two were an item." I look at her with a prodding look hoping she would acknowledge my unasked question.

"I'm not surprised she didn't tell you, Rose is usually a very private person. I'm not even sure myself what her orientation is but I can tell you that we hooked up on more than one occasion and she most certainly enjoyed it." Tanya seems to smile pleasantly at the memory.

I can't help but feel jealousy began to bubble up but it was overpowered at the sudden arousal I felt when images of these two women popped into my mind.

"Were you two dating?"

"Oh no," Tanya waves her hand dismissively. "Nothing like that. We had met through mutual friends and some flirting took place here and there and we just slept together a few times. Neither one of us do relationships well. I believe her last relationship was actually with some man named Royce."

I nod my head in understanding, remember the story Rosalie told me about her abusive ex.

"So what's your story? What's such a cute face like yours doing in such a dangerous place like this?" Tanya's voice breaks me from my train of thought.

"My friend dragged me here since she's always wanted to visit a gay bar but never had the excuse to do so until now," I shrug offhandedly. "I would rather be home to be completely honest."

The strawberry blonde hums in agreement. "You and me both," she purrs. "So tell me Isabella, are you a lesbian?"

I involuntarily blush at the blunt question and the way her voice sent chills down my spine. "I think so, I'm not really sure. I have only had feelings for one woman and they have only been recent."

Tanya throws her head back to give a heartfelt laugh and I take this time to examine how smooth her neck is and obvious lack of stubble or an adams apple.

"Are you attracted to me Isabella," she asks when she's calmed down. Now her head is propped up by her hands as she leans on the table to give me her absolute attention; hazel eyes flickering over my face.

Taken aback by her question I stare at her slack jawed for a moment. "I-uh haven't really thought about it," I respond by blushing and looking away. She had only asked me a few questions before turning me into a blubbering idiot.

"Oh?"

I hear a shuffle before Tanya is suddenly sliding onto the same booth chair I was on. I slide back in an attempt to create space but she takes it as an invitation to get even closer, leaving me pinned between her body and the wall.

"For some reason I'm finding that very hard to believe Isabella, with the way you've been looking at me." Her voice adopted a breathy quality that ghosts over my neck and causes me to shiver. Her close proximity allows me to smell the tantalizing perfume she had adorned for the day.

I lick my lips nervously, and decide not to respond.

Tanya smirks at me seductively. "It's not a good thing to lie Isabella." She reaches to place a stray lock of hair behind my ear and trails her hand down until she's cupping my face. My eyes dart frantically from her lidded eyes to her parted lips as my mind works overtime to come up with some kind of response.

But I was drawing a blank.

Tanya scoots even closer, which I didn't even think was possible, and I feel the weight of her breasts press against my own.

"You're so beautiful Isabella," she murmurs before leaning in to capture my lips. I was in complete shock, which was insane considering I saw this coming a mile away, but still. I never thought I would really be here in a bar kissing a second woman in two weeks.

And although I was ashamed to admit it, I liked it. I liked it a lot.

Her lips were soft, and plump and pressed deliciously against mine. I absently compare it to the way Rosalie's lips had felt. Her tongue swipes my bottom lip silently asking for permission and I part my lips with no hesitation.

And oh.

She really knew how to work her tongue. I began to imagine what that tongue would feel like on other parts of my body and did not fail to notice the wetness that was pooling in-between my legs.

She pulls away from our heated make out session with a victorious smirk on her face. "You seem to have enjoyed that Isabella." Her darken eyes drag seductively down the length of my body before she settles back on my gaze. Eyes narrowing, she cocks her head to the side and asks if I would like to continue this at her place. Perhaps it was my slight buzz, or maybe the fact that I haven't been properly sexually satisfied since hitting puberty, but I nodded a wordless yes.

Tanya wastes no time pulling me up from the booth, out of the club, and into her car. She speeds nearly the whole way there but I hardly notice when her free hand keeps drawing tantalizing patterns on my upper thigh. Once at her home we manage to lock lips again and fall over the couch in the living room.

The mixed drinks I had earlier however were being to hit, and hit hard. My brain was sluggishly catching up to what exactly I was planning to do. I begin to feel the same panic merged with some guilt beginning to emerge from the other night.

Was I really getting ready to sleep with a woman I just met yesterday when I couldn't even go through with a woman I actually have feelings for? What would everyone think when they find out. Am I actually considering sleeping with a woman, period?

"Tanya I can't do this," I husk.

"And why not?"

"Because I feel like I'm only doing this to prove a point."

Tanya separates from me completely and studies me. "Prove a point about what?"

"I tried this the other night and even though I was really enjoying it. But then suddenly I felt panicked and pulled away because I was afraid."

"There's no reason to be afraid sweetheart," she coos. "You felt afraid because if you would have gone through with it the other night there would have been many more feelings involved. You panicked because you must have realized that that relationship would have not ended after the sex. As a matter of fact it would have become stronger."

"How did…?"

Tanya laughs quietly before cupping the side of my face. "I'm not dense honey and it doesn't take a genius to figure out you have feelings for the blonde. As for the rest, I know the look of someone who has been hurt by someone they love." She shrugs. "I have seen it many times in my day. I won't force you to do anything of course, but make sure you are declining for the right reasons."

She moves close enough to peck my lips before nibbling on my ear lobe. "Don't you deserve to enjoy yourself for once? When was the last time you've had fun hm?"

Once again I feel that strange anger I had experienced earlier at the apartment. It has been so long since I've done something for myself that I can't even remember. Everything in my life so far had been for my parents, or for Jacob, and what did I get out from that?

Alice was right; I am tired of feeling guilty or sorry for myself, and tired of being the worse version of myself. I growl with a few found aggression and bit down hard on Tanya's collarbone before smoothing it over. I shiver when her load moan hits my ears.

Without warning my back hits the cushion and before I can prop myself up she straddles my hips. We're back to kissing but when I break away for air she goes straight for my throat and manages to find my sweet spot at the crock of my neck. I bite back the moan that threatens to spill from lips.

Between the pleasure and alcohol coursing through my body and I push any lingering feelings of doubt or guilt far back down until all I can feel are Tanya's hands.

Man three weeks in a row I am on fireeeee. I hope you guys are prepared for a new version of the Isabella we've come to know and well so dearly. I hope you're all wearing seatbelts, because things are about to get crazy.

Also don't kill me pls.