Title: The Light In Life

Genre: hurt/comfort, friendship, and a smidge of romance and a little humor at the end.

Paring: BBxRae

Set one year after birthmark

Umm, posable Trigger Warning!? I think? Sorta? Not really? I don't know but I'm putting a warning in here just in case.

I can't really explain this one without giving anything away so just. . . give it a chance I guess lol it's short so you won't suffer for too long if you don't like it.

Raven sat alone on her bed cross-legged and stared at her distorted reflection on the smooth edge of a dagger she held in her hand. This particular dagger she had acquired when she was a young girl growing up in a monastery in Azerath.

It wasn't an item that she was particularly fond or proud of. It was just a plan ceremonial dagger she had, at one time, lifted off of one the monks. It was the only thing that she had ever stolen, so proud, she was not.

It did, however, hold a significant purpose.

Tomorrow was her birthday, and although these two things would be completely irrelevant to each other in anyone else's eyes, to Raven, you couldn't have one without the other. . . except maybe now.

On this particular day every year after she had found out about the prophecy she had tried to commit, what some would call, the ultimate sin. She of course didn't see it as a sin, she saw it as a service to the world she was destined to destroy.

She had never been able to succeed though.

It wasn't because she didn't have the guts to put a vertical line down her wrist, it was just that her powers refused to let her die. . . they always have. . . but now? Now, she wasn't so sure.

This was the first pre-birthday she's had since the prophecy's fulfillment. This was the first time she's had no reason to die. The first time that she hadn't dreaded the day to come and the first time she's ever had the will to live.

At first, she had picked the dagger up out of pure habit, now, she continued to hold it out of pure morbid curiosity.

This hasn't been an everyday habit, just a once a year kind of thing, so she hadn't even given the thing a thought until today. Most of the time when she picked up the blade and ran it down her arm she more than expected it to heal itself. . . because it always has.

She wonder if that would continue. She had always had a self healing mechanism that would activate automatically even while unconscious, but was it her powers keeping her alive or was it something else? Is that something else still there or had it disappeared when she became the portal?

There was only one way to find out, she guessed.

She ran the edge deeply along the same path she traveled every year and her eyes widened when the blood flowed freely from her arm without stopping.

She made the mistake of panicking.

No matter what she told herself, she still expected for her self-healing ability to kick in. The shock that it hadn't, hindered her from performing the act manually.

She quickly wrapped her discarded cloak around her wrist and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Which, thankfully wasn't to far away.

She applied as much pressure as her other shaking hand would allow and held her arm over the sink as crimson droplets covered the pristine white porcelain. Dizziness was starting to occur and she tried to concentrate long enough to heal the self inflicted wound.

She had just managed to heal the nicked artery and slit veins when a voice startled her.

"Raven." Beast Boy stared at her from the open door way.

She looked up to meet his wide emerald eyes and silently cursed herself for not closing the door in her hast.

"It's not what it looks like." She said as she turned her head away and tried to avoid his hurt and confused gaze.

"Then what is it? Because from here, it looks like you were..." He trailed off and she felt a wave of mixed emotions ranging from guilt to sadness to anger.

She inwardly flinched. She won't be able to finish healing at this rate. Her empathy was pick up to much for her to concentrate. Luckily she had stopped the major bleeding though. She lost more blood then she felt comfortable with but the small bleeding now wasn't enough to do any further damage.

"It was..." She was the one to trail off this time. It was what it looked like but at the same time it wasn't.

"I wasn't actually trying to kill myself. It was just," she paused, struggling to find the right way to explain. "a failed experiment." she sighed as she unwrapped her, mostly healed, arm and ran water over it in the sink, trying to get rid of the blood that coated it.

"A failed... What... How... ?" He stumbled over his words as he tried to wrap his mind around her explanation. Then she felt his anger clearly push out all other emotions.

"What the hell Raven?! You could have killed yourself! What were you thinking?!"

"It's none of your business, ok." She said coldly with a glare, feeling anger herself through her empathy.

She pulled her arm out of the water, tossed her blooded cloak on the floor, and grabbed a fresh towel.

"Of course it's my business! I think I have the right to know why one of my best friends feels the need to experiment with her life." He said as his anger drained and he watched her struggle to wrap the clean towel around her wrist.

Before she could bite out a retort, she felt warm hands on hers. She looked up sharply to see him looking at her with hurt filled eyes again. She swallowed thickly and continued to stare as he cast his gaze down to her arm.

She followed his gaze once she felt movement and watched as he gently took the towel from her hand and wrapped it for her.

"How often do you do this?" He asked softly.

"Beast Boy," she paused as she stared down at there unmoving hands, not wanting to tell him the truth, but not being able to find a way out of it.

"Once a year." She finally answered with a sigh.

"Why? Are you not happy? Do you think we don't care about you? What would make you do this to yourself?" He fired off questions and she could hear and feel the emotional crack in his voice.

She felt horrible that she was causing him this much emotional pain. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this. She never meant for her friends to find out about this. Then again, what did she really expect? She never even thought past the action itself.

"No, it's not like that, I just..." She glanced at the still open door. She really didn't want anyone else finding out about this. It was bad enough that he had seen, she didn't want to explain it to anyone else.

"Can we go somewhere more private? I'd rather the others not find out about this." She asked and he gave her an understanding nod that she was thankful for.

"Yeah sure." He said as he let go of her arm. "Can you heal that?"

"At the moment, no. I'll be able to in the morning however."

He nodded again and grabbed a first aid kit from one of the cabinets on their way out. She picked back up her cloak, making sure all traces of blood were gone from the bathroom, and quickly led him to her room. He didn't say a word as they entered and she closed the door.

He cringed at the sight of a small puddle of blood on her sheets and a dagger laying in the midst of it. She frowned as she switched her dirty cloak for a clean one and sat down in the floor in front of her bed, leaving her hood down.

He ignored the sick feeling in his gut and sat down beside her.

"I'm sorry, I forgot about that."

"It's fine. Can I...?" He motioned to her arm.

"Yeah," she said, holding her arm out to him to bandage. She could do it herself, and in any other situation she would protest, but she figured he needed something to focus on. So, she let him have this.

"I don't even know where to start." She sighed as she tried to formulate a better explanation of her predicament to him.

"Try the beginning. That always seems to work for me." He joked halfheartedly with a small smirk.

"Funny," she said sarcastically with a small smile of her own. At least he was trying to make light of the situation. She always liked that about him.

"I was eight years old when I found out about the prophecy." She said and he looked back up at her.

"Please tell me you weren't that young when you..." He trailed off, not being able to vocalize it.

At her nod he sullenly went back to tending to her arm.

"Everyday I wondered why I was kept alive if I was going to be the end of humanity. Eventually, after a lot of eavesdropping, I found out that I was mostly only alive out of fear. Apparently while I was an infant, one of the monks took it upon himself to go against his beliefs and the High Priestess and get ride of the problem himself. He took me to the edge of Azerath and had planned to toss me into the endless abyss below," she paused for a moment with a strange feeling of guilt. "He was smote down right on the spot by Trigon's power."

"Owch"

"That's not even the worst part." She said with a dark humorless chuckle. "Apparently, before my mother was taken in by Azar and after she was forcibly impregnated by a demon, she tried to commit suicide by slitting her own wrists. It didn't work, she was healed instantly by my powers. My own mother couldn't even kill me while I was in the womb."

"That's what gave me the idea. If they couldn't kill me, then I'd do it myself. So I stole that dagger from one of monks and I tried the same thing my mother did. . . With the same result, over and over again. It was useless but I continued to try every year before my birthday, eventually it became more habit then anything."

"Raven." Beast Boy said, not knowing what else to say. He had already finished dressing her wound and found himself listing intently and extremely saddened by her story.

"I just didn't want to end the world. I didn't want to be a portal or a gem or even a half demon. I didn't want these powers and the price that came with them. At one point, I didn't even want to be born."

"But it's over now. Do you still feel that way?"

"No," she shook her head with a shrug. "That was the ironic thing. I picked up that dagger out of habit and honestly I just wanted to know if I could now. I hadn't planed for it to go this far. I didn't fully think it through and panicked when I didn't automatically heal myself."

"So, you weren't actually trying to...?"

"No," she answered. "it was just a really stupid, failed, experiment."

She gasped in surprise as she felt herself being pulled into a fierce sideways hug. When she recovered from the initial shock, she relaxed a little and awkwardly tried to hug him back. After a few seconds he pulled away and averted his gaze to the ground, absently playing with the latch on the first aid kit.

"I thought about it a few times." He stated so softly she almost didn't hear him.

"Suicide?" She asked, not completely sure what he was referring to. Beast Boy and depression just didn't seem to go together at all.

At his nod, she continued to stare at him in puzzlement.

"I haven't always been the happy go lucky jokester, Raven." He said with a dry chuckle. "I was in a really dark place once."

At her silence, he decided to continue. "I lived in Africa for the first 7 or 8 years of my life, during that time I got a virus that turned me green and almost killed me. My parents used an experimental cure that gave me my powers and I lost them to a boating accident sometime after. The village I was living in was raided and some people took me away and used me to steal for them. I eventually got away only to be put with an abusive uncle that only wanted me around for money and eventually tried to kill me to cover it up."

"So yeah, I thought about it a few times. I never had the guts to go through with it though." He looked over at her with a sad smile.

She gave him an understanding nod and was internally thankful that he hadn't. What would she do without him?

"H-how did you manage it?" He asked hesitantly. He wasn't quite sure if he really wanted to know the answer or not.

"I'm not sure. It could be because I already knew that I was going to die either way. But I think it was mostly because I wasn't trying to save myself from my own misery, I was just trying save everyone else from it."

He chuckled, a genuine chuckle that made her smile softly at him. "Spoken like a true hero."

She just rolled her eyes at his words and they grew quiet.

"So, do you still feel that way?" She echoed his earlier question after a few silent seconds.

"No," he answered honestly with a shake of his head. "After the Doom Patrol saved me they became like a true family. They took care of me and things got a lot better. Then I meet you guys and now I couldn't be happier."

"Good" she stated and they lapsed into another bout of comfortable silence.

"Something useful did come from this little experiment though." She stated after a while.

"What's that?"

"I now know that I don't have my subconscious healing ability anymore." At his blank stare she rolled her eyes. "I lost you at subconscious, didn't I?"

He nodded sheepishly.

She sighed then elaborated. "You know how I go into a healing trance after receiving a fatal hit or being knocked out?"

He nodded.

"Well, I no longer have that particular ability."

"Oh," he stated once understanding dawned on him.

"Yes, so now I know I have to be carful during battle and not careless."

"Right." He stated with an uneasy feeling. Just the thought of losing her sent a sharp pain through his chest.

When he stumbled upon her in the bathroom earlier, it felt like he was the one bleeding out into the porcelain sink. He'd seen it before, he knew what she had done to herself, and it hurt. It hurt to think that she was unhappy. That he'd failed at trying to make her happy, at making her feel like she wasn't alone anymore. That she'd never be alone again.

So now, he wanted to do anything he could make her want to live and to make sure she did just that. He didn't want to lose her to the world or to some villain for that matter.

"Don't worry Raven, I'll always have your back." He stated as he stood up. He then leaned over her bed and picked up the dagger, that had her drying blood still on it.

"And this," he held it up and gave her a pleading look. "Please, promise me that this won't ever happen again."

She looked up at him with a smile and a nod. "I promise."

"Good," he said and reached for her hand to pull her to her feet. "Come with me."

"Where to?" She asked as he pulled her out of her room and down the halls.

"You'll see." He said with a grin and continued to rush towards his destination.

She was a little surprised when he led her to the roof. He pulled her towards the edge and then turned to face her. He still held one of her hands firmly in his and held the dagger up with the other.

"This is a promise, Raven. I will do everything I can to make you feel happy. I want you to know you're not alone and that we love you. I don't know what we. . . What I would do without you here. I don't ever want you to feel like you're life is only worth sacrificing. Even if Trigon makes a miraculous return, we will beat him and you will come out of it alive. I'll make sure of that. That is my promise to you." He said with a smile and drew his arm back to launch the dagger into the ocean.

She watched as the water rippled at the impact and quickly swallowed the item up, dragging it into its depths. "That's a two way promise." She said, griping his hand, that was still holding hers, tighter. "But I don't want you to feel like its your job to make me happy."

She turned her head back to meet his eyes. "Just being here with you guys makes life worth living. I am happy, even though my powers make it difficult for me to show, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without you either."

"You're a light in life Beast Boy, because no matter what, you always try to find the good in things. You always fight to make others happy and now, knowing what you've been through, I greatly admire that about you. So, I want you to be happy too, because without that light we'd all be lost."

"Raven," he looked at her with the upmost sincerity before giving into a coy smile and she just knew that he was about to ruin the moment. "Are you telling me that you care about me?"

"Of course I care about you, idiot." She rolled her eyes and smacked him lightly on the shoulder with her free hand.

"Let me rephrase that then," he said with a chuckle as he used their, still joint, hands to pull her closer. "Are you saying you like me?"

"I..."She looked up at him with knitted brows before her eyes widened and her brain froze.

She briefly recapped everything that was done, said, and thought in the last few hours and stared at him in astonishment. Unbeknownst to her, that was exactly what she was trying to say.

"I guess so."

He smiled. "Good," and pulled her even closer to him.

Her eyes widened a fraction more when she felt him crash his lips into hers. Her mind then froze for the second time that night, before she closed her eyes and returned the kiss.

Beast Boy reluctantly pulled away at the sound of shattering glass and several high pitched screams.

"What was that?" He asked as he stepped away from a still recovering Raven.

"Umm," she said, lightly touching her lips, where she could still feel the lingering kiss, as she tried to kick her brain into gear.

She then looked up guiltily. "Every window in the tower."

"Are you serious?" He asked with a chuckle.

"Yes."

They then both leaned over the edge of the roof, were they could still see a few stray shards off glass raining down on the bay.

"I guess we better go explain this to the others." She said with a sigh.

He looked up at her with concern in his emerald eyes, that made her heart want to melt. "But I thought you said you didn't want the others to find out." He motioned to her bandaged arm.

"Not about this," she said, pulling down her sleeve to cover the bandage. She then looked up at him with a smile. "About this."

She leaned up to give him other kiss and broke it off at the sound of more pops of glass and shrieks.

"And what was that?" He asked through a big goofy grin.

"All the lightbulbs."

He chuckled again at her sheepish answer.

"Alright, we better head in before they really start to freak out." He said, turning to head back to the entrance of the tower.

Raven took one last glance at the moonlit horizon, pinpointing exactly where her dagger lay at the bottom of the ocean. She then turned to follow her companion, lacing her fingers with his when she caught up to him. This felt good. It felt right.

"Raven," he said looking down at her. "Happy Birthday."

"Thank you," She hadn't even realized it was after midnight already.

He grinned at her and she smiled back.

Yes, she defiantly had something worth living for, now all she had to do was convince their merciful leader not to kill her when he gets the repair bill for the damages.

I wasn't to sure if I should post this one or not. It seems . . .I don't know, controversial? Anyway, I do not condone or agree with suicide! I'm not a hypocrite though, I have been there before and it saddens me that we as human beings could even get to the point where we feel that life just isn't worth living anymore.

If anyone feels this way then hopefully this will change your minds. You just need to find happiness in life. For me, it was my art work and then eventually my, now, husband. There's something or someone out there that will make you happy, you just have to be willing to look for it.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be depressing. It was just an idea that popped into my head after reading a typical cutting story (and before you ask, I can't remember which one lol). I figured if any of the Titans had a reason for trying to commit suicide, it would be Raven and that would be her reason. I don't think she'd ever do it out of depression because she's just not the type to give up like that, but I could see her trying to end her life in order to defy her father. So that's the idea this story steamed from. Just my opinion and you know what they say about those lol.