Taming Bella

A hairy situation puts Bella in an awkward position. A birthday present for Heather Maven from two of her triangle of curls girls. Collab between CullensTwiMistress and Maplestyle. BxE; Humor/Romance; AH.

Warning: Not for the faint of hearts...may be bordering crackfic in some areas…

CarrieZM and Planetblue beta'd this fuckery, but we may have tweaked it afterward… All mistakes are our own. Thank you so much, ladies! ;)

…

…

Chapter 1

That asshole!

Doesn't he know how loud she is?

Who does that? I mean, at least, close your god damn window!

I've never seen the guy that moved into the building behind me. His unit faces mine and given the way his girlfriend screams and moans every night, I'd say he's giving it to her pretty good.

The lucky bitch.

Okay, so maybe part of me is a bit jealous, but as far as I know he could look like a complete troll.

A troll with a magic penis, apparently.

Anywho. I want to sleep.

"SHUT UP!" I scream, my voice is loud in the confines of my bedroom, and he probably can't hear me over her screams, but dammit, it feels good to let it out.

Closing my eyes, I try to sleep, using relaxation techniques taught to me by my therapist Alice, but fail miserably when her screams and moans turn into something that sounds like Jack the Ripper is ripping into her flesh or tearing off a limb.

"That cannot be real," I mumble, pinching my eyes closed. Seriously, who sounds like that during sex with the windows wide open to boot?

And why can't I find someone who can bring me that much pleasure?

Huffing, I get up and slam my window shut and turn on the television in hopes of drowning out their noises. "This should be good."

My whispered thoughts are interrupted by a final, "Oh yes … yes … YES!" Coming through my closed window and I roll my eyes, scanning the television for something to watch.

It's 3 a.m., who am I kidding? There is nothing on except some lame ass infomercials and porn. The porn from next door sounds better, thank you very much.

Unhappy with what I see, I turn off the screen and settle back into bed, my eyes as wide as saucers and my whole body wound up.

With a frustrated groan, I flip over onto my stomach and somehow, eventually fall into a restless sleep.

Morning comes much too early, and I find myself unwilling to get myself out of bed. I'm pretty sure I only got an hour or two of sleep at the most.

I can hear the birds chirping happily outside my bedroom window and I smile a little, knowing that I'm in for a beautiful day. It's Sunday and I'm not working today. My only plans consist of taking Kindle for a walk in the park. He's nice and undemanding. Plus, unlike a dog, I don't have to pick up his poop. I just wish his battery lasted longer.

I gather up everything I need to stay at the park for a while and bring some granola bars and water.

Just as I exit the front door of my building and head toward the park, I catch a flash of reddish-brown hair attached to a rather good looking guy and watch as he turns the corner towards the parking lot. I figure it must be new guy and Heather weeps at the thought that not only is he attractive, he must be doing something right in bed to cause his bed partner to scream bloody murder. Why can't I have a man like that?

Fleetingly, I think of going to confront him about his night time activities and how they've kept me up since he moved in, but I'm way too tired and fear I may burst into tears instead of screaming like a banshee-which is what I really want to do. Also, I consider that maybe he can't hear his partner's screams because he's got some sort of hearing disability and until I know more about him, I wouldn't want to come off as a huge bitch.

I think some recon is in order and turn toward the building. I buzz the one person who knows everything about everyone. Sure I'll be giving up some good solo time but I need to know about this guy.

"Yello?" Carlisle answers.

"Car? It's Bella. Come to the park with me?"

He tells me he'll be right down, and I sit on the top stair to wait for him.

Carlisle is a very handsome man, and I'd be all up in that if I were into older guys. He's really sweet, but he's also a bit of a gossip. And by bit of a gossip, I mean if you want to know what color underwear someone is wearing, Carlisle probably knows not only the color but the brand. The only problem with talking to someone with his proclivity for gossip is I have to handle this conversation with a bit of tact-something I'm not sure I can pull off in my sleepy state-or he'll spread it all around that I want to jump the new guys bones before noon tomorrow.

Turns out, I don't even have to ask Carlisle for the information I'm seeking. He regales me with tales of his new neighbour, including some things I really didn't want to know about said tenant's mother.

Someone please pass me the brain bleach, it's bad enough I have to listen to her son having sex, I don't need to know his mother purrs like a cat when you "stroked her kitty." Gag.

Edward, the new tenant, works at some club-though Carlisle isn't sure what he does exactly. It would explain why the bastard keeps waking me up at one in the morning.

Carlisle and I spend a few hours at the park catching up, I get to hear all about the dirty little secrets of his tenants. It makes me glad I don't live in his building, the man doesn't know the meaning of the word confidential.

When the sun sets, we walk back to the buildings and part ways. I spend the rest of my night catching up on some work. I have a meeting later this week and I was warned that my performance has to be better than usual. Apparently, one of the big-wigs from a company our firm wants to do the advertising for is coming in and my boss, James, is up my ass to make a good impression on him.

…

…

Maple is also posting this story on her profile... We're going to be posting throughout the next few days...

If you know Heather, go and wish her a happy birthday. She'll love it! :D

Now... who's with us?