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Because Mother Nature is a vindictive bitch, Severus answered in his head. Out loud he said: "It a part of the human reproductive cycle. Every month, your body produces an egg, that could potentially grow into a baby." He carefully left out the sticky parts, Poppy could handle those. "Your womb readies itself for that baby but if that doesn't happen, your body gets rid of the unnecessary parts, hence the bleeding." Not a very detailed explanation, but hopefully enough.

Miss Maris stayed silent for a moment. She was probably carefully dissecting his words. Time to give the girl something else to think about, before she could ask about the baby part.

"Miss Maris, I'm going to give you some sanitary napkins. You put those in your knickers, they'll catch the bleeding."

He took some napkins out of his pocket and shoved them under the door. It stayed quiet again. Severus waited for the inevitable question, while Miss Maris studied the napkins.

"Professor?" It was said very quietly.

"Yes Miss Maris?"

"What is the spell for removing blood out of clothing?" Severus pumped his fist in the air in triumph. The timely introduction of the napkins had saved his ass, again.

"Pisa!" he called. The house elf immediately popped in. The house-elf didn't even blink at the sight of him sitting in an armchair in the girls' bathroom.

"Please, collect Miss Maris' sleepwear and clean underwear," he said with as much dignity as possible in this situation.

"Yes, sir." she said quite solemnly and popped out. Of course, there was no way Severus would teach the girl the potent removing spell you'd need to get blood out of delicate fabrics, you'd never know what the little blighters in his house would try to use it for.

Severus used the few moments the house-elf needed to take another swallow of his firewiskey, and banish the glass back to his chambers. The house-elf popped back with the requested items.

"Here you go, Miss Maris." Severus said and shoved the pajamas and underwear under the door.

"Thank you, sir" Miss Maris whispered.

Severus could hear the relief in the girls' voice. He took a peppermint and put it in his mouth to dispell the smell of alcohol and banished the chair. He waited until the rustling ended.

"Miss Maris? Are you ready to come out now?" He asked patiently.

He heard the toilet flushing and the lock of the door clicking. Miss Maris stood there with her eyes glued to the floor in front of her, looking very discomfited. This was the most delicate stage. Severus had to make sure the girl would be able to go to class without turning red from embarrassment every time she had to look at him. It would only give food for gossip, and sooner or later those nosy, interfering harpies who called themselves his colleagues would hear about this. Severus wasn't planning on having his child-rearing abilities discussed and dissected in the staffroom again. Once was enough for a lifetime of mortification, especially after Poppy suggested he should loan her schematics to make copies.

"You can put the bloodied clothes in the hamper over there," he said casually.

The girl timidly followed his finger to the hamper. Severus waited until she had turned her back to him.

"Miss Maris," he said sharply. The girl jumped almost out of her skin. "Where are your slippers? You can't go walking on these cold floors barefoot." The girl looked at him in surprise, not believing that her housemaster was getting irritated over ordinary things like slippers at a time like this. Severus transfigured a spare paper from his pocket into two fluffy bunny slippers.

"Put these on," he practically shoved the slippers at her and started muttering about colds and the thoughtlessness of children. He could practically see the tension drain out of the girl like water. A grouchy housemaster muttering about dunderheads and idiots was familiar terrain for every Slytherin. Soon the child had to suppress a smile at some of his more colourful descriptions.

"Please follow me, Miss Maris, it is long past your bedtime." Severus led the girl to her dorm room. He quietly opened the door, and illuminated the way to Miss Maris' bed with a wordless Lumos. The girl didn't lose any time crawling under the blankets. Severus made sure she was completely tucked in, discreetly put some more napkins on her nightstand next to the pain reliever, and quietly left the dorms.

Tomorrow morning he'd have a quiet word with Miss Merrick, to talk to the girl about obtaining the necessary supplies. Now, Severus wanted to share his displeasure at having this kind of talk for the umpteenth time, and he just knew who he'd share it with.

Severus scowled at the gargoyle in front of the Headmasters' office. The gargoyle scowled back. Severus upped the strength and added a glare for good measure.

"He's sleeping," the gargoyle informed Severus reluctantly. Severus smiled nastily.

"Sugarplums." he purred. The gargoyle had no other choice but to move out of the way.

Severus stepped on the rotating stairs. They were slower than normally, giving the Headmaster the time to wake up and enter his office.

"Come in, Severus," Albus called sleepily. Severus entered and looked at the Headmaster. Albus was wearing a dressing gown in an unusually subdued blue. Apparently even Albus Dumbledore didn't like garish colours at one in the morning on a weekday.

"What can I do for you Severus?" Albus asked, looking wearily at his most volatile teacher.

"I want a raise." Severus said. Albus gave him an incredulous look.

"You woke me up to ask for a raise?" he asked almost indignantly.

"No, I woke you up to inform you that a raise of at least 5% is the only thing that will stop me from sending the next, near-hysterical, 12-year-old girl to you for an explanation about the facts of nature."

Albus' face took on a greenish hue.

"Done," he said, "But how am I going to explain it to the Board?"

"Tell them it's hazard pay for dealing with the volatile situations that are a part of a teachers' job in a school full of hormone-ridden, magical teenagers." Severus said, "You could even include statistics." he added sarcastically. Severus settled himself in the chair in front of Albus' desk.

"When are you going to give in and reschedule Poppy's lessons in second year instead of third?" he asked, "We've been asking this every year at the start of term. Even Minerva and Pomona agree, and they don't have to deal with the added embarrassment of explaining the use of ovaries when you don't have them yourself."

"You know the Board is against it, Severus. They want the children to be at least thirteen before they hear about sex and reproduction." Both men studiously refused to look each other in the eye at the uncomfortable topic.

"The Board are a bunch of old wizards who haven't been confronted with menstrual cycles since they left school a century ago." Severus snarked, "Perhaps we should send them some Pensieve memories to refresh their rotting brains. Or better yet, Poppy's schematics."

"Severus!" Albus rebuked him mildly.

"Want to watch the memory?" Severus answered waspishly.

"No, I'm sure you did a great job," Albus said hurriedly, "I'll draft the request for a raise in the morning."

"Good, I'm sure they'll react positively." Severus turned around and swept out of the office. He was sure Albus wouldn't be able to sleep now, thinking about the implicit threat of Severus sending his Slytherin students to his office if he didn't get Severus a raise. Severus smirked, satisfied at another job well done.

END