Disclaimer: Don't own Castle.

Katherine Beckett rode the elevator up to her apartment in silence, listening intently to her boyfriend's voice coming from just above and behind her head. Hanging on his every word. Every random "the" or "and". Anything to keep her mind from straying to the places it seemed intent on going back to. The last thing she wanted was her mind starting to obsess over the details of the past couple of days. No, for right now, she'd take comfort in the arms around her. She'd latch on to the sound of his words and study how he said them, because she would not think about how she'd drawn far more comfort from the actual content coming from a different voice over the past few disastrous days…. No! Bad Kate! Not thinking about it! And she forced her attention far more than normal on the ding of the elevator signaling they'd reached her floor.

As Kate walked out of the elevator with Josh close behind her, her eyes widened in surprise as they immediately fell on a figure slouched in front of her door. A very distinctive and familiar figure with rich chocolate-colored skin…

"Lanie?"

As her best friend looked up to meet her gaze, Beckett was shocked to find the rare evidence of tear tracks on her friends face.

"Lanie what's wrong?"

"Girl… we need to talk." Kate began to panic and opened her mouth to form a question, but Lanie seemed to sense where her mind had jumped. "In private… don't worry, everyone's okay."

Through her mixed feelings of relief and puzzlement Beckett turned and looked at the man behind her. "Josh, do you mind…?"

She could immediately sense his reluctance. "Kate, they stuck me with shifts at the hospital as soon as they knew I was available, I'm on later tonight."

"I know. But apparently this is really important to Lanie. I'll see you later."

"…alright…" Josh shook his head slowly as he turned and walked back towards the elevator.

Kate dug out her keys and unlocked the door, ushering her friend inside and gesturing to the couch. After divesting herself of her coat and purse, she went over to the kitchen and retrieved a bottle of wine, figuring Lanie looked like she'd need it.

"So what's wrong? Esposito stick his foot in his mouth?"

Lanie tossed her a half-hearted glare. "Not this time."

Beckett gave a tiny chuckle before looking at her friend expectantly.

"I'd come to the precinct to check in with Javi. He was finishing a last piece of paperwork and told me he'd meet me at the car. I was on my way out when I thought I heard something weird from one of the janitor's closets on the first floor. I went in and saw somebody curled up on the floor, weeping like there was no tomorrow."

Beckett was shocked. In the precinct? Who'd be crying like that in the precinct? Lanie sensed the unspoken question.

"It was Castle."

Beckett's eyes widened comically. Castle? Crying that badly? In the precinct? He hadn't looked like he was taking everything quite that badly at their 'we're alive' celebration. The adrenaline had already worn off by then. If he was holding it in for that long why could he all of a sudden not wait until he got home? Castle was one of the strongest people she knew; he'd have to be pretty cut up to do something like that.

"What happened?"

"Castle!?"

The sobbing man looked up, appearing to Lanie's shocked eyes more like the four year old he sometimes portrayed than the forty year old he was. He gave her a watery half-smile. "Hey, Lanie. What's up?"

"Took the words right out of my mouth." Castle turned his head back toward the floor, seeming to take great interest in a speck of dust next to his knee. "Oh, nothing much."

"Yeah, 'nothing much' is usually a good reason to be sitting here crying in a closet." Lanie turned on the light and closed the door before lowering herself to the ground next to Castle. "Come on writer-boy, what's wrong?"

Castle looked for a moment like he'd maintain his weak resistance but he didn't appear to have the strength. He flicked his beloved speck of dust around a few times before replying in a voice so low that Lanie had to strain to hear despite being barely 10 inches away. "Why am I so unlovable?"

Lanie did a double take. She couldn't have heard that correctly? Castle, unlovable? He was absurdly lovable, he reminded her of a gigantic talking teddy bear sometimes. She had expected something about danger, mortality, even crazy publishers, but not that. "What in the world are you talking about? Why would you think you're not lovable?"

"Well every woman I fall for seems to see me that way." Oh boy… "I've thought I've been in love four times now Lanie. It started with Kyra in college, but she left right before it could get to the next step. Then there was Meredith. She married me. That seemed like a pretty serious statement of loving me right up until I found her in bed with her director."

Lanie was staring at Castle, unable to believe what she was hearing. Every time she'd heard this man's voice it'd been full of energy, full of passion, full of life. To hear this vivacious man sound so broken, so utterly defeated- Lanie could feel her own tears beginning to well up. She silently willed Castle to be done, but her will was ignored.

"After Meredith came Gina. That was the easiest in that she was probably the one I loved the least. My relationship with her, was more about feeling convenient and sensible for both of us than about love. But it still hurt when it ended."

"I've dated a few other women, not nearly as many as the papers like to portray, but a few. Every single one but Kyra were attracted by my rich guy persona. Who I am didn't interest any of them, and it wasn't enough to keep Kyra around."

Lanie was pretty sure she didn't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out at least part of where all of this was going. Quite the opposite, all she needed was a pair of eyes and any but two of the names in the world, so she filled in the gap. "And then there was Kate."

Castle let out a tired sigh through his tears. "And then there was Kate." Lanie could hear the hitch in his voice as he spoke about her, even with all the pain the memories he was thinking of were clearly bringing him.

"At first, I saw a woman who was just so beautiful that I couldn't resist. But I didn't know her, so I gave her the same millionaire charm that brought far more women flocking than I care to think about. But she said no to that. She hated that. I got curious. Since I was spending so much more of my time working with her than I ever had with anyone before, she had to see other parts of me, it became inevitable. And it seemed to me as though she actually was happier with me when those parts came out. Gradually, I let her see things about me that had never attracted anyone, that had even sent a few women scurrying. That was where I got the most approval from her. And this was coming from the most strong, intelligent, courageous, extraordinary woman I'd ever met. I…I…", Castle cleared his throat in an attempt to steady his quivering voice. "As hesitant as I was, it was impossible to be with her and not fall in love with her. I dared to hope."

He shook his head ruefully. "I was such a fool. I should've realized it with Demming. I was feeling so hurt seeing her with him, seeing how she was trying to tread lightly on my feelings and still be with him, that I retreated. With every bit of myself I'd shown her, and in spite of everything I did that year trying to show her how much she mattered to me, she still fell into his arms. It just hurt too much, so I rode off to the Hamptons with my tail between my legs and the wicked witch of the east on my arm. Well, maybe that's not quite fair, Gina's not a bad person; she's just very, very much not for me. But I was going to try to settle."

His head shifted, angling his face to gaze at the ceiling through his tears, although he was too focused on the past to have seen much of it anyway. "But then we were brought together again by that case, and I realized that keeping away from her was impossible. She's magnetic. And she'd broken up with Demming… Some small part of myself began to hope again. As time went on, she was with Josh, I was with Gina, and yet the whole time I just fell deeper and deeper in love with her. There was no safety net, nothing to break the fall. Eventually I realized that I didn't want to settle, not when I knew there was the kind of magic like how I felt for Kate out there, so I broke up with Gina. But the whole time Josh was still there, standing in the way. I struggled to hang on to my hope, despite how much that fading glimmer was hurting me when it continually went unfulfilled. I figured that at least I could take care of her, since Doctor Motorcycle Boy was doing such a good job of it.

Then with this case I could feel the hope sniffing the air again. Beckett told me she was having problems with Josh, that she just wanted someone to have an equal, giving relationship with. The very thing I'd always wanted. We almost died in each other's arms and all I could think was that if that was where I was going to die, there's nobody I'd rather be with at the end. But we didn't die, because he came back. And then she said it meant they had a shot, and I could feel my heart getting ripped out again. We came to the brink of death again and I felt the same way as before, that there was nobody I'd rather face it with. I couldn't even bring myself to regret not having escaped when I had the chance, because it meant I'd been reliable support for her, and I wouldn't have to face a world where she didn't live. Again we didn't die. We were hugging after the bomb was disarmed, and I just felt so right in her arms. I was going to throw it all to the wind at the precinct, ask her to dinner, try to talk to her, but then Doctor Motorcycle Boy showed up before I got the chance. I wanted to scream. After everything this was all just too much."

Castle turned his face toward Lanie, tears leaking from his eyes, his body racked with sobs, his words starting to be interrupted by hiccups. "Tell me, Lanie. You're a woman. You must see it. You have to have some… idea what it is about me… that isn't good enough for a woman to love. Please, you have to help me. Maybe, maybe if I figure out… what… it is… I can… change it." Lanie could feel her heart pulling itself apart and the tears leaking out of her own eyes as she pulled the sobbing man to her shoulder and held him as he wept for what he wanted so badly yet could never seem to get.

"You know what the hardest part of this is? I don't know when or even if I'll ever be able to bring myself to pull away from her again, even to protect myself. I tried last summer. She's too enthralling. And even if it were possible, I promised her always. Too many people have left her, she's been hurt too many times. I won't let myself become another one of those, no matter how much it kills me. I can't do that to her. I won't." Lanie rocked him back and forth as he cried it all out. Eventually, several minutes later, his shaking eased and his sobs died away. He pulled back and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Man, I'm sorry Lanie, I didn't mean to…"

"Richard Castle! Don't you dare apologize! You needed to let that out. It was killing you bottled up like that. And for your information, in my professional opinion as a woman, there is nothing unlovable about you. In fact there is quite a bit to love about you, and some day some lucky woman is gonna realize it."

He gave a small chuckle. "You're an incredible friend, Lanie, you know that? I hope you and the boys always know how much your friendships mean to me. Thank you." He put his hands on his legs and mustered his strength to get up and head for the door.

"Castle!" Lanie had called out his name, wanting to say something, anything, which might ease his pain, but for the life of her she couldn't imagine what. He turned his head to regard her expectantly. "It'll all work out. You'll see." Lanie could've kicked herself for not being able to come up with anything better than that. He said nothing, but his eyes answered her, softening with tender gratitude which couldn't quite hide the skepticism. Then he walked out, leaving the Medical Examiner alone in the closet to cry for the pain she'd heard in her friend's voice.

Tears were running down Lanie's cheeks yet again as she finished telling the story. Beckett's tears were running down her face as well, but she couldn't feel them through the full-blown, open-mouthed shock. Castle loved her? He felt unlovable because he thought that nobody seemed to ever love him back? That she didn't love him back? He'd let himself keep taking the pain for her, simply because he'd promised to always be there for her? Beckett was lost. She was groping in the dark for some kind of clarity but it seemed to be avoiding her. She breathed out her reply to Lanie, a faint whisper of a sound, the plea of a woman struggling for help.

"How do I fix this Lanie?"

Her friend controlled her crying enough to fix her with a piercing stare. "He thinks he can't be loved. He thinks nobody falls in love with him. Prove to him that he's wrong." She got up off the couch and headed for the door. Just as she opened it she turned around once more to look at Beckett. "Fix this Kate."

And she left.

Beckett sat there silently for who-knows-how-long, still crying, trying to process everything Lanie had told her. Finally a single set of words pierced through her haze and sent a command to her legs to start moving before she even realized it. "Prove to him that he's wrong." That was it. She didn't understand how that man could love her of all people so much, but if he thought no one could love him, she was going to prove him wrong.

She just had to make a little side trip to the hospital first.

I don't think I'm going to include the break up with Josh, but if enough people ask for it I might put it in. Please tell me what you think!