Clueless Phineas

"So, how many kids do you want to have?" Jeremy asked his red-headed fiancé.

"Oh, I've always wanted to have two kids I could name Xavier and Amanda." Candace snuggled closer. The two were taking a break from all the wedding plans they'd been making, and the exhausting work had left them slumped on the sofa in the Flynn-Fletcher living room. Candace was itching for an afternoon nap and nuzzled in a little closer. "I can't believe we're getting married tomorrow."

"Stop," Jeremy fidgeted, "you're tickling my ear with your hair."

"Oh, you're so cute when you're ticklish. In fact, you're just plain cute." Candace jabbed him in the rib with her finger.

"Hey, no fair," Jeremy teased as he caught her hand and held it tight. "I bruise easily!"

"Aw, then let me make it better."

"Eww, gross!" Phineas walked in the room just in time to see the couple leaning in for a kiss and started to make gagging noises at the sight. "You guys aren't married yet! Enough kissing already!"

"Phineas!" Candace growled, annoyed at her younger brother's immaturity. She stood up, partly to stretch, partly to glower. "When are you going to grow up?"

"Well, I am almost as tall as you now." Phineas put down the groceries he'd just brought into the house so to stand up straight. "And by the way, here's the refreshments for the reception. Anything else I can do to help out, Candace?"

"No, I don't need any of your crazy inventions ruining me and Jeremy's special day." Candace grabbed the bags and lugged them to the kitchen.

"I know a way you guys can help out," Jeremy suggested as Ferb entered the room.

"No way!" Candace practically bolted back into the room. "We are just having a normal, old-fashioned, happy wedding without any dancing robots, light shows, random clowns, a trampoline aisle, or Buford wearing a pink pinafore. Got it?"

"I was just going to say that they could help us set up the chairs," Jeremy said.

"We'd be happy to!" Phineas delightfully replied.

"Okay, but that's it! Nothing else!" Candace demanded.

"Sure," Phineas said, "if that's what makes you happy." He and Ferb left.

"Grr, I can't wait until I don't have to deal with them anymore," Candace steamed.

"I like your brothers, they keep life interesting."

"Yeah, interesting and bustable."

"You know," Jeremy stood and went to put his arms around her shoulders, "if you really want to bust your brothers, you should let them build something for the wedding. Your mom isn't gonna miss it for the world, she'd have to see a huge invention sitting there."

Candace took a moment to think about it. "You're right! Why didn't I think of that? You're a genius!" With that, she leaned in for a grateful kiss.

"Oh, come on! We're right here!" Phineas said, as he and Ferb reentered the room for the second time. "Why do you guys have to keep doing that?"

Candace broke from her fiancé and rounded on her brother. "Why? Because it's a perfectly normal thing to do, Phineas. I swear, one of these days, you are going to kiss someone and it'll be all like, woah, this is totally amazing. And when that happens, I am going to be there to say, 'I told you so.' And I'll be just as annoying as you are being right now."

Phineas was slightly taken aback by Candace's retort, having not realized how thinly all this planning was wearing her. "Sorry, Candace. I just don't understand what's so great about kissing. It's not very logical. It's just a form of touch communication, used by humans and a few other species of primates as a sign of affection. Plus there's the added risk of potential germ transferal, muscle soreness, or lost teeth. You could communicate in plenty of other, more sterile and efficient ways."

"Phineas, I promise you, you aren't going to lose any teeth while kissing."

"But what if they have braces? Those could hurt!"

"You'll never understand if you try to reason about it. It's not about logic or sterile-ness. It's about love, and that's something you can't compute, measure, define, or quantify. None of your science is going to ever help you understand, Phineas. Only your heart will." Candace explained.

"I can see where you're coming from, but kissing just doesn't seem all that appealing to me."

"I'm not buying it. Everyone's a bit of a romantic on the inside. Even you, Clueless."

"You can think what you want, but that doesn't make it true."

"Well then, how about I do it your way and think about it logically. From what you're telling me, if you don't like kissing, than does that mean you don't like girls?" Candace insinuated in question form.

"I like everybody, Candace. There's nobody in the world I don't like."

"You know what I mean. Answer the question. Do you like girls, or not?"

"I—." Phineas lifted a hand to scratch his left ear as he cast his mind about, searching for an answer to Candace's question. "Well—um—."

"I thought so," Candace smiled triumphantly. "You do like girls, don't deny it."

Phineas gave in. "That doesn't change anything. I still think kissing is gross."

"That's only cause you haven't tried it. Once you have had your first kiss, you are never the same person afterwards. You'll see."

"I don't think so; you see, I'm never going to kiss a girl. I can't think of any situation where it would be the logical thing to do. Unless of course, somebody needed CPR, but that's why I always carry around the pocket-sized resuscitation device Ferb and I invented." At that, Phineas whipped out the device, showing it to the others.

"That is so wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to start," Candace admitted.

"It's logical. By definition, you never know when an emergency will occur, so the only way to be prepared is to always carry one with you." Phineas replaced the device back in his pocket.

"That wasn't what I was talking about. And stop saying the word 'logic' so many times, you're sounding like Mr. Spork from the Space Adventure movies. It's getting annoying!" Candace spat.

Phineas looked like he didn't know how to respond to that.

"Look, Clueless," Candace lectured, "no matter how long it takes, someday you'll be in a situation where it will just seem natural. You're the right boy, she's the right girl; eventually you two will finally spark like your favorite welder."

"What do you mean, 'she's the right girl?' What are you talking about?" Phineas asked.

"You really are clueless," Candace sighed, shaking her head.

"And why do you keep calling me that?"

"Because it's what you are. Clueless Phineas Flynn."

"I am not! I'm not clueless, am I, Ferb? Ferb?" Phineas looked to his side, just realizing his step-brother was no longer there. "Hey, where's Ferb? He was right here with us just a minute ago."

Candace shrugged her shoulders.

"Well, if he was here, I am reasonably certain he would back me up."

Candace snorted at that. "Yeah, right. Everybody knows how oblivious you are except you. I swear, it's like a bad soap opera. Honestly, I really thought you'd be old enough to see it by now."

"Are you speaking metaphorically or literally right now? Because I'm getting the vibe that you're speaking metaphorically right now."

"No-o," Candace sarcastically drawled, rolling her eyes. "Why don't we try having this talk again once you hit puberty. Then we might actually get somewhere." With that, Candace strolled past her brother and out of the room. Suddenly thinking better of it, she stopped by the hallway to say one last thing. "Hey, Phineas, I know something you can do today."

"What, Candace?"

"For your project, why don't you try kissing a girl? I promise you, if you want to make the best day ever, your first kiss is a day you'll never forget." Turning again, she smirked at the thought of leaving him at lost for words, and walked off.

Phineas looked over to see Jeremy fast asleep on the couch. Apparently, he hadn't thought their conversation very interesting. "Where is Ferb?" Phineas asked aloud. "He could've helped me explain the folly of romance. What potentially ironic activity could he possibly be doing right now?"

Thanks for reading. To be continued as soon as it's ready.