There's A Reason

Summary:

After it is revealed that Fitz leaked Olivia's identity to the press in an effort to free her from Mellie's blackmail, the two lovers separate over the betrayal and try to embark on lives that don't include damaging each other. As time apart passes, the revelations that Fitz and Olivia reach about themselves connects them again on a level that is hard to accept, but necessary to be together.

Prologue

Present Day - May 2012

She pulls the bathroom door shut and draws in a slow ragged breath. 'Why this?' Why do I need this?'

With a soft exhalation of air, she walks unsteadily to the tub and sits on its edge. As her breathing slows, she brings her hand up to brush back her hair and the rustle of the scarf wrapped around her wrist startles her. With wide eyes she stares at the soft material and whispers aloud "How can I want this?"

"Livvie, please open the door."

Olivia's eyes never leave the scarf and with her hand suspended before her she whispers again, "How can I want this?" Self-revulsion, an emotion she has flirted with far too often, is squatting in the corner of her mind waiting to take root.

Fitz presses his forehead against the door and tries to still his rising panic. "Liv, I can hear you talking to yourself. Open up and let's figure this out. There isn't anything we can't fix, but if we don't talk about this, we will lose each other again. Please."

Olivia's shoulders drop at the sound of his fear. She takes a deep and shuddering breath. With her resolve shaken, she goes to the door and presses her cheek against the cool wood.

"Fitz, I can't let you look at me now. I can't let you … ." Closing her eyes, she places a trembling hand on the door hoping it will ground her. "I can't let you see."

Fitz swallows around the lump of worry in this throat and reminds himself to stay calm. He knows pushing her now will cause her to go into fight or flight mode. His next few words have to be selected with extreme care.

"Liv, did I ever tell you about the time I deliberately lost a student debate in grade school?"

In spite of her caged feeling, Olivia can't help but smile at his attempt to distract her with a tale of his youth. Fitz rarely spoke about his childhood, and he knew it was the only topic that could get her immediate attention. Amused, she says, "The man whose entire first term was won based on a debate he owned? The same debate that is now the model for 4 college courses at three different universities? No way."

Chuckling a little, Fitz turns his back and slides down the door. Stretching his legs out in front him he leans back smiling ruefully at the memory.

"It's true. I swear it. Fenton Hearst told the entire school that it was like arguing with his 2 year old sister."

Olivia giggles as an image of Fitz in pigtails and a diaper leaps into her mind. She can hear Fitz laughing on the other side of the door and that makes her laugh even harder.

"You think that's funny, huh? Fenton rode that victory all the way to the gym and got to have first pick at dodge ball that day. Little jerk was king for a day and I got beaned in the ass for my trouble."

With a snort, Olivia slides to the floor and shakes her head. "You poor thing. Why did you let Fenton win in the first place? Were you practicing your humanitarian skills at that age? What were you 8? Tiny little Fitz Ghandi, man of the people even then."

Trying to hold back his laughter, Fitz says, "I was 9 and I swear it wasn't a good deed at all. I was too selfish. Even at that age."

Olivia smiles softly and although she thinks she knows the answer, she asks the question anyway. "Well, why did you let Fenton become dodge ball king?"

Fitz rubs his chin as his smile fades. His voice roughened by the memory, he says, "My dad dropped me off at school that morning instead of one of his staffers. He'd told my mother that he wanted to give me time to practice my debate responses with him. He'd missed practicing with me the night before." Fitz frowns and looks down at his hands. "I was glad he hadn't practiced with me the night before. Glad." His voice becoming softer and deeper with anger, he continued. "When we drove to school that morning, he didn't practice with me at all. He took calls the entire time and only said one thing to me as I left the car."

Olivia winces at the pain she hears in Fitz's voice and not for the first time wishes she could bring Big Gerry back to slap him.

Feeling as small and helpless as he did on that day, Fitz says, "He said, "This debate isn't about games boy. It isn't about practicing halfhearted attempts to gently convince your opponent that you're right. This is about decimation. You will not leave him room to retaliate and you will not allow him to gain ground. You will destroy him and leave no room for his resurrection. Is that clear boy? You will learn to win swiftly and without mercy. Understood? Do not come home and make me have to tell your mother that you lost."

Olivia tries to still the instinctual flow of comforting words that she knows will not take away the pain. Fitz doesn't handle emotional pain well and lifting his spirits with encouraging words is the only way to bring him back from wallowing in his hurt.

"Fitz, baby, that man was not the measure of you. The person you are today is a testament to the strength of your will and how you did not allow someone to shape who you would become. You are a rockstar of a man and I believe in you."

Because he knows she needs to fight for him, even against a man who can no longer hurt him, Fitz doesn't try to contradict her with what he feels inside. Even from the grave, Big Gerry's ability to sow doubt in his heart is undiminished. Cruel, jealous coward of a man. With a sigh Fitz lets her know that her willingness to fight against these doubts in him is not unappreciated. As a matter fact, he couldn't function without it.

"Liv, it's tough to doubt myself when you're around. You are the one constant that I can count on. Even now."

Olivia smiles and pulls her legs under her. She doesn't understand how she can be afraid to reveal herself to this man. Her trust in him is bottomless. Her love for him is unquestionable. But, she still cannot bring herself to admit that what he's proposing is what she needs. Fear of the unknown. That was her Achilles heel and she knew it. She just wished she could trust herself enough to let Fitz take them in this new direction.

"Liv baby, please open the door for me. I need to put my hands on you and know you're ok. Come on love." He gently pulls on the doorknob and is surprised when the door swings open. He finds Olivia sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped around her knees and her eyes trained on his feet.

"Fitz, I don't know -"

"We don't have to know anything at this point Livvie." Kneeling in front of her, but not touching her, Fitz speaks softly. "All we have to do is take one step together. One small step and if that step doesn't destroy us, another small step. Then another. If we can do that, what we will know is that we can do anything as long as we're together. Is that ok baby? As slow and steady as you want Livvie. I'll go as slow as you need, just don't shut me out now. I need you too much."

Olivia raises her head and looks at him with uncertainty and confusion. It kills him to see her so disjointed and unsure. With a pained "sweet baby", Fitz pulls her into his arms and holds her to his chest, rocking her while gently untying the scarf from her wrist. Fitz croons to her, repeating one phrase as if it's a mantra, "Slow and steady, slow and steady, slow and steady …"