In theory she had psyched herself up to believe that she could do it, that she could not only stand by and watch Owen find another women, flirt with another women, fall in love with another woman, and then eventually marry another woman. She knew it wouldn't be easy but she had thought she could find the strength and courage to act selflessly for once in her life and do something that didn't offer her a gain or benefit. It was only when she excused herself from the lobby where the fundraiser had been held, so that Owen could be left alone with the blonde women who had taken a liking toward him, that she realized this was gonna be a lot harder then she thought. She quickly walked away from the man that was once her husband so he could have the opportunity to meet someone who he could promise another 40 years of his life to. The thought of him living the life he had once envisioned for them, with someone else literally made it impossible for her to breathe.

She turned her back for a split second to look over her shoulder to witness their small interaction, Owen's eyes did not deter from the women standing in front of him and that broke Cristina's heart even more. She remembered a time when his eyes used to follow her outside a room without losing focus. But now she was no longer the object of his affection as this woman had intrigued him like she once had. She tried so hard to push the pain and ache in her heart at the back of her mind and justify that she was doing the right thing, the she couldn't give Owen what he wanted and needed. It was better this way, the logical side told her but a split second later, another voice rang in her ear, you can give him what he wants, you just choose NOT to.

He had protested multiple times for her to let go of the idea of them dating other people for the past week, but she just kept nagging and insisting. Now, she was kicking herself in the ass for trying to be selfless. She wished she could take it back, God she wished she could take it back because this feeling at the bottom of her stomach was making it hard to breathe and she felt like she was gonna puke when images of Owen and this woman started to appear in her head. She didn't want to think about them, she tried so hard to eliminate the thoughts racing in her mind but she couldn't help but imagine him kissing her, taking off her clothes, having sex with her… oh crap…. she was gonna puke….

She hurriedly walked over to a trash can outside and regurgitated all the alcohol and food she had inhaled at the party.

Cristina had never felt this way before, even when Owen confessed that he had slept with someone else on a drunken night after she had aborted her baby… his baby….their baby. He had wanted to subconsciously hurt her back, make her feel the pain he felt when he had to stand their and hold her hand while she killed the life that they had created together. She knew that was a huge burden that he had to endure and even though it killed her spirit when he crushed all her hopes and dreams by telling her that he had touched another women, kissed another women and had sex with another women….somehow standing outside and looking in, the image of Owen moving on felt like death. It hurt more then anything she had ever experienced before, it was like someone had reached in and tore her heart out of her chest and ripped it to shreds.

She began to walk across the street to Joe's, thinking about drowning her sorrow with tequila. Its funny because normally she would start to cry, but she physically could not shed a tear, though she felt sadness and hurt, those two emotions were not at the forefront of everything bottled up inside. Cristina felt complete and utter shock, and with that came the feeling of disbelief. She thought she was stronger…. she was even known as a robot or an ice queen…. but no amount of preparation could have helped with the sudden feeling of wanting to disappear…to vanish…. she just wanted to die. And that was something that she had need felt before.

How would she be able to endure watching Owen fall in love with someone else? Looking at someone else like he had once looked at her? Telling another women that he wants to spend 40 years with her? Telling her he thinks she's beautiful?

And then it hit her like a ton of bricks,….. How could she possibly watch from the sidelines as Owen not only married another woman, but got another woman pregnant?

She made her way to the bar and sat down, she ordered her drink and let the melancholy seep in further. She was trying to be the bigger person and be selfless, so she expected it to hurt, she just didn't realize that it would hurt this much. Maybe if I was really selfless, I would of just offered to give him what he wanted, she thought while hanging her head in shame. Cristina was on her third drink when she noticed Meredith take a seat next to her at the bar. Just as she sat down and got comfortable, Cristina turned to face her with a look of disbelief.

"He's…He's….gonna meet someone" Cristina stammered

"And he's gonna live that life that he pictured with me,…. with her…. you know?" she looked at Meredith with a nod, as if to remind her of a conversation they had, had once before.

"That huge life that he envisioned for us, the life that could have been bigger then I ever imagined, the life where I could contain more then I think I can?" She said hurriedly with hand motions and a look of disbelief.

Then Cristina took one last shot of the tequila sitting in front of her while Meredith sat there listening to every word her best friend was saying and sympathizing with the predicament she was in.

Once again Cristina faced her and with the most defeated and hopeless voice, she uttered,

"only… I won't be apart of it…. someone else will…. another woman will not only carry his baby…..but be proud and willing to…..And…you know what hurts the most?", Cristina didn't wait for a response.

"That woman could of been me!…. that woman was me, I had his baby growing in my womb, but because the timing was off and because I was selfish and wanted surgery to be my number one priority, I killed something that Owen wanted so badly, a symbol of our love, something that was apart of me and apart of him…..I know that I never wanted children, but I never even stopped to imagine what life could be like with them. I was pregnant by a man I loved, and here I'am now trying to be selfless and act like the bigger person…. when I could of been selfless before….. I could of given him a child….one would of been enough to fulfill his needs….and I'm not a monster Mer….., because I would of loved that child too….if I had a baby, I know I would love it, marriage is about sacrifices and give and take…. he was only asking for one child, not enough to make a soccer team ….and I couldn't put him first, not before my career at least." Cristina finally took a breath that she was holding and let out a loud sigh.

"When we can no longer be surgeons, he will have a wife again, and a family….. but what will I have Meredith? When I can no longer have my career?, What will I have to live for?" Cristina let the last statement come out a syllable at a time, and for the first time that night her eyes unleashed a pool of tears.

Meredith was left speechless, she was beginning to realize that maybe Cristina and her mother were less alike then she thought. Her mother had admitted to Cristina that she could of possibly had it all, a career and a life outside the hospital, but Ellis Grey didn't have the desire or want to try hard enough, and by the declaration Cristina had just made to Meredith, she suddenly understood that maybe Cristina was ready to try hard enough to make it work. Maybe all she needed was to be on the brink of losing it all in order to realize what she had and what she could still have before its too late.

Meredith got up of the bar stool and reached over for Cristina's hand and helped her up. She cleared her throat and helped her friend find her balance and guide her to the exit way.

"Its not too late Cristina, you still have the opportunity to have that life…. you just need to accept that its you want it….you and me….sometimes we are too stubborn to admit the truth…but we can't let that get in the way of our future." Meredith told her while she guided her outside the bar and took her to the house in the woods.