Brother

Summary: AU, Before Killua, there's another brother who loves her. Far more than he should have. Oneshot.
Warnings: Expletives. Alluka is a girl here. Incest.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize!
Genre(s): Romance/Mystery/Family/Angst/Tragedy.
Pairing(s): ?/Alluka.

i.

Killua is not the first person in her life who accepts her for who she is.

She's born incomplete, eyes lacking whites and pupils, mere voids and she looks like a real doll upon birth, everyone knows that something's wrong with this Zoldyck child.

It's only many years later that Killua gives this doll creature a name: Nanika.

Nanika and Alluka are very, very different people, but no one knows and no one can tell. No one bothers trying to know her.

She's lonely, very lonely. She is different from every infant in the world, she has Nanika, Nanika who is very old and wise, and she knows of many things from their shared connection.

She's not completely forsaken by everyone.

She has him; big brother. She faintly recalls being carried in rough arms, calloused hands dumping her in the arms of someone smaller, someone gentler and kinder and younger.

Contrary to popular belief, she can still see despite the appearance of her eyes.

She sees hair and eyes as dark as hers and skin as pale as hers. She smiles at him- like she does to everyone who cringes away- and he smiles back down at her.

His smile is beautiful, it always sparks a fluttery feeling in her heart, it makes her feel worthwhile and thankful to be alive.

ii.

There's a huge gap in their age, but he says that she's as wise- if not, wiser than him- as he is about the world and the people residing in them.

He's cold, and apathetic, but that is because he's been deprived of love, care and safety that he tries his best to give to his siblings in lieu of their parents who only care about how strong they will be.

He's confused himself, he has no idea how to treat us. To their second brother, he's apathetic and has mutual agreement to stay out of one another's way. To their third brother, he is a teacher, the boy's trainer. To her, he has no choice but to shed his mask of lies because she can always see past them.

She sees a very young and bitter and confused boy who's struggling to advance in this world, to protect what he holds dear- a subject he has no idea of.

Nii-san, only when you have something to protect, something to cherish, only then you can be truly strong.

Only years later, that she realizes that his goal to protect his family is because of her words.

iii.

Nii-san, she calls for his attention.

The older boy glances her way when she speaks. He is the first person to hear her first words, his name- his salutation- is her first words.

Yes?

I love you.

He's gone stiff again. He's always like this, whenever she says those words, he's always goes as hard as stone. She's not hurt or insulted or offended because she knows he's raised without love and that it's a foreign emotion for him.

He still has a hard time accepting the emotion- because he's been raised to know no feelings- but she's determined to make him accept it.

She crawls closer to him, before him and takes both of his hands in hers. They're large, a whole lot larger than hers, because he's so big and tall and she's so small and young compared to him.

She squeezes his hands reassuringly and he returns the gesture.

Yeah, he says after a while. Me too.

At first, she knows he's just saying it to make her better, but later, she smiles knowingly and her heart flutters with the knowledge that he truly loves her.

iv.

He's holding her hand as they're taking a stroll out. Her little brother, little Kalluto, is with them too but he treats her with nothing but disdain.

He dislikes his 'older brother' Alluka- but she knows he's as confused too.

Kalluto is mother's favorite, he's her little doll, and whatever she says is his rule. If Mother says to stay away from her fourth son, it's an order and he defies no order.

Kalluto will be a very accomplished assassin someday.

She's confused as to why Kalluto refers to her as "Onii-sama" but she brushes it off when she learns that everyone thinks she's male.

She glances at her and big brother's linked hands.

She remembers him calling her "Imouto" and "baby sister" and she smiles to herself.

It's okay if they think she's a boy, as long as he knows she's a girl, she's fine with it.

v.

She can walk on her own now, she doesn't need him to keep holding her hand as they walk now, lest she tumbles.

She can speak very fluently, but the only person to hear her speak, or who bothers to hear her speak, is him and him alone.

Nii-san, she says, feeling strange all of a sudden, a strange foreboding feeling. Something bad's about to happen. She's worried, it only makes her repeat her brother's -sacred, illustrious- name.

Yes?

Take my hand.

...Is there something you need?

Hug me.

Alluka, Brother speaks her name with the slightest hint of exasperation and confusion. What's with the game?

Kiss me.

He's confused now, she knows. Sure, he lets her touch him, and she knows she's probably the only one who he allows to touch. But they've never show their love physically either. She's never asked of something so strange even though she reads from the storybook that princesses- or girls in general- kiss their knight in shining armor.

He may not know it, but he's her knight in shining armor because he's the only one to accept her.

She loves him so much he doesn't know, she hopes that someday, she can put her love into words.

vi.

Big Brother never questions her the existence of Nanika.

So she doesn't say anything either.

Nanika is annoying at times, constantly making wishes of Big Brother, interrupting her time with him and she's jealous. But there're times where Nanika is a blessing.

It's those times where the two entities are united: where all they want is his affections.

The wishes she asks of him all require physical affection. He doesn't push her away, never complains but that one time.

She jerks her head upward, and for a moment, brother's lips brush hers. Her lips tingle when she pulls back but brother looks appalled, she's hurt when he pushes her away and flees.

What did I do wrong?

Later, at night, he comes back, smoothing her messy dark hair.

Blearily, she blinks and turns. It's a nightly ritual, tradition, and they do it everyday- she proclaims her love and he returns it- but tonight's different.

His reply's stiff and full of lies.

Her heart burns to think that he doesn't love her anymore.

She curls in on herself, closing her eyes to stem the tears.

vii.

He doesn't visit her as much anymore and when she realizes this, when he's not there like he usually is, she starts crying.

Nanika's powers are useless at times like these, because, she can only grant people's wishes and her wishes are to be granted by others. She has no power to wish on herself- like people think she can.

She's a monster, she's darkness itself, she hears her father saying this to her and her chest aches.

Not as much as it heaves, churns and screeches, when she sees her brother's cold visage by the man's side.

She feels as if someone's tearing her apart from the inside.

viii.

She spends a lot of time alone now.

Brother no longer sits by her side and talk to her, just stares at her for while before going away- he never sees her tears.

She's always left in the care of the butlers and maids- who're scared witless of her- and she tries to tell herself that it doesn't hurt at all when they cringe away from her.

Am I that terrifying?

No, Brother Killua says, rolling his eyes at the servants. He wrinkles his nose in that adorable way of his and she smiles slightly. They're being stupid. You're the most harmless and sweetest person I've ever met.

It's her turn to cringe now, because Killua's words are just like his- and then he turns his back on her.

It's not her fault Nanika's powers are so uncontrollable, it's not her fault the maid and 65 others died.

But apparently, it is her fault.

Big Brother thinks so too, that's why he never visits her anymore, never tells her he loves her anymore, does he?

She closes her eyes.

ix.

She's fine with him ignoring her, because she has Killua now the pain is bearable but when both brothers are gone, she always feel the crushing feeling of despair and defeat and abandonment.

What Alluka can't endure, what shatters her heart, is that he's willing to kill her to protect his family- she is not included.

She's furious and frustrated and she just doesn't understand what has happened to change her brother so much.

When he stares at her, when their eyes lock, she sees no hatred and she wonders what's brewing behind his eyes.

It's strange and the emptiness she sees in his eyes break her heart.

That man standing before her, the man holding an equivalent to a knife at her throat, is no longer her brother, just someone who seeks to destroy her.

Aniki, she whimpers.

He doesn't answer.

Why're you doing this?

People change, Allu.

Don't you love me anymore?

...No.

Her heart stops beating for more than reason- it's not entirely because of the pin lodged in her throat.

x.

Aniki?

In the cold, cold void, no one answers. But the echoing of her own voice answers her.

She smiles slightly, feeling Nanika's presence creeping up on her, and wises hard though she has never tried before and when she opens her eyes again, she's back to the time where her beloved brother is there, and-

Yes?

-to hear his voice is a miracle. She's never heard anything as beautiful or as dulcet as his voice. She savors the memory, clutching onto it so that it won't disappear again.

I love you.

...Me too.

-end-

a.n:
Does it makes sense? I try to do the angst-sort of oneshot, I guess I failed. o.o Still, tell me what you think. I wrote this because of the lacking fics concerning an Alluka pairing.

I think who the brother Allu is referring to is obvious.