[Chapter 1: Getting up]

Shadows by Toni Mould

Characters based on Dick Wolf's Law and Order Special Victims Unit

The piercing noise broke through the dark silence and startled her. She woke with her heart beating incredibly fast and it took a second or two for her to realize where she was and what woke her. She was at home…the noise….. her alarm. She moved her arm towards her bedside table and quietened her alarm before relaxing once again into the soft mattress beneath her.

'Slow your heart down' she thought to herself, 'deep breathes.'

She rolled over onto her back and just lay there in the dark. Even though it had been two months since she was rescued, her sleep was still restless and her body still felt heavier than before…..

Her alarm had gone off and it was still dark outside. Then she remembered today was her first day back at work. Although their cases were often the most heart wrenching cases in the NYPD, she had found fulfilment in her what she did. She knew that their team helped people, even if they couldn't stop every sick person doing what they did, catching the perps and making sure they were behind bars often helped victims in their quest for recovery. But now she wasn't so sure she could do this anymore…. She wanted to….She really did…..She knew she was good at what she did….Even her Captain had said she was one of the best detectives he had ever worked with. The other was Elliot…Elliot, where was he? What would he think if he knew what had happened. She shook her head. He had been her partner for 12 years. Day in and day out they had faced danger, sadness, victims and perps together and he left without a word! No she couldn't deal with thinking about him right now. If he could just walk away without a single word, a single phone call, letter, note, he didn't deserve to know! She started to pull back the covers from her body and proceeded to grab her gown as she sat, at the edge of her bed, legs firmly on the ground. She wasn't sure if she could do this…She had to try, she had to. Pushing herself from the bed she made her way to the light outside her bedroom. She'd been sleeping with the bathroom light on since her return. She knew it was a habit she would have to stop but right now, she needed all the comfort she could find to make it through.

Upon arriving in the kitchen, she put the kettle on to make a cup of coffee. She stood there, in front of the kettle waiting for it to boil, her hands firmly on the counter as she slipped into a dark world. Her mind still trying to process the memories of those four days that haunted her whether she was asleep or awake. She was still there when the kettle alerted her to the fact that it had finished its job.

As she turned with her cup warming her hands, she saw the counter with all the cards and flowers that her friends had sent. All except one friend. 'Don't go there,' she told herself, 'not today.'

Her friends had been good to her these last few weeks. One of them had always been with her when she was in hospital even though she wasn't interested in talking. Once she got out of hospital, they had visited, brought her groceries and called and texted even when she hadn't replied.

'No. Come on' she said to herself, 'get going or you'll be late on your first day back.'

Within 40 minutes she had showered and got dressed, still not sure if she had made the right decision to go back to work. She knew Captain Donald Cragen would probably try to ease her back into things by giving her paperwork to do and for once in her life she wouldn't complain about doing paperwork. All detectives hated doing paperwork, but she wouldn't mind the chance to be at her desk for a day or two just getting used to being part of things again. Her thoughts were interrupted by her phone ringing.

'Benson.' She answered, hoping that they had not just caught an early morning case. She wasn't up for showing up at a crime scene on her first morning back.

'Hey Liv' came the reply.

'Hey Fin. What's up?'

'Well, I have to be in early this morning to finish up some paperwork that I didn't feel like doing last night and I was wondering if I could pick you up on the way in.'

'Paperwork huh? Since when do you go in early to catch up on paperwork? She said half smiling to herself, knowing paperwork wasn't the real reason for Fin going into work early.

'You want a lift or not?' came Fin's reply.

Olivia was taking her time deciding. She hadn't really thought of how she would get to work yet. She'd been so focused on getting ready that she hadn't planned the next part of the day yet.

'Liv? You still with me?' Fin's reply pulled her back to reality.

'Sorry Fin. Um…. What time are you going?'

'I am on my way in now. I can swing by your place on my way in. Be at your place in 15 minutes? Too quick for you?'

'No. That's great. I'll be done. Thanks Fin.'

'See you soon.' Fin said as he hung up.

Fin breathed a sigh of relief when he put down the phone. That phone call had gone much easier than he'd expected. Because Olivia had spent most of her life alone, she found it difficult to reach out when she needed help and support. She'd had to be a lone wolf for most of her life. Firstly, her mother was an alcoholic. Fin had to wonder how much abuse and neglect Olivia had suffered because of her mother's habits. She had hinted at things when they worked a case with alcoholic parent(s) but Olivia had never explicitly said anything to him. Then there was this job. It was hard enough for any cop to have any kind of personal or family life with the hours they work, but with the special victims unit is was so much more than just their hours. It was their hours, the victims and the crimes that they had to witness. Olivia had been working at the unit for fourteen years, Fin himself had been there for twelve. The normal duration of a cop working at the unit was much less, something more like two years. But Fin had found his grove at the unit. Their Captain was a good guy, he wouldn't take nonsense but he would make sure the detectives were well taken care of to ensure they could cope with the work that faced every day.

Fin banged his one hand hard on the steering wheel as he thought of Olivia. Last time he got there just in time to save her from the unthinkable. They were undercover in a prison to catch a rapist who was attacking inmates. The perp had somehow separated Olivia from the group and taken her to the basement but Fin was occupied with a health scare in the prison. Thankfully, he got to Olivia just before it was too late. This time though they weren't so lucky, the Beast had Olivia for four whole days. The Beast… he had abducted, tortured, raped and murdered five women and they knew it was him. They just didn't have enough evidence to put him away. They had all been working day and most of the night for about a week when he had been released on bail and instead him laying low until the trial he went to abduct one of their own. The physical scars showed but Fin was more worried about the scars that weren't visible. He still didn't know what happened during those four days. He had been the one who saw her trying to hide her PSTD last time, and that wasn't nearly as bad as what occurred this time, he guessed.

Although Fin wasn't her usual partner, Olivia and he shared a special relationship. One that he could only describe as a brother sister relationship. The relationship had deepened after that undercover case. She had let him in as far as she dared, even further than Elliot. Elliot… where was she when Olivia needed him? No! He couldn't go there! He had to make sure she got through day one! He'd got up earlier this morning because he knew she always was at work early. She was often the first detective there in the mornings. She said she liked the quietness in the mornings. He used the excuse that he needed to do paperwork, that wasn't a lie, with this job there was always paperwork to do but nothing urgent that was chasing him to get to work. But he wanted to accompany her in to the precinct on her first day back. Fin sighed as he pulled up to Olivia's building.

Olivia had slowly gotten ready to leave. She probably would have left a few minutes earlier had Fin not phoned and said he would pick her up but she didn't mind the extra delay. She still wasn't sure if she was ready to go back. She could ask Cragen for more time off, but that wouldn't serve any purpose other than delay the inevitable. By the time on her watch she knew that her buzzer would go any minute. But there was one task she still had to complete. As if her thoughts made it ring, the buzzer went. Olivia walked towards her door and unlocked it.

'Hey Liv' Fin said as she opened the door. 'You ready?'

'Hey Fin. Almost. Just give me a moment?'

'Yeah sure, take your time. We'll be the first to get to the office. Think we might even beat Cragen.' Fin said smiling as he walked in the door and closed it behind him.

'Cragen. Not even I can get there before Cragen.' replied Liv as she disappeared into her room. 'I just need to get my stuff.'

Fin took the time to look around Olivia's apartment. You could see that she'd been spending most of her time at home. There was a novel on the coffee table and a blanket over the couch. Fin could help thinking if she'd been sleeping on the couch in front of the TV more than her own bed, like some victims did. At that word he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Olivia had been a cop for almost eighteen years, now she was a victim too. Fin had to smile slightly when he saw all the cards and flowers on the kitchen counter. At least she knew she wasn't totally alone.

Once she let Fin in she slipped into her room and sat on the bed. She bent down and unlocked the safe. She picked up her badge and looked at it. Then she took a breath and took them out. Her guns. As she held her main one in her hand, it felt strange yet familiar. It was now or never. She clipped everything in its place, put her jacket on and took one more deep breath, kicked then safe closed with her shoe, and walked out the door into the lounge.

'Ready?' she said as she rejoined Fin.

'Yep. You?'

Olivia nodded her head and gave a brave smile.

Fin instantly knew he had made the right choice to come get Liv. She was putting on a brave show. But he was sure that if she could get through the first few days, things might become easier. He just hoped this week would be a quiet one, or rather one without any major dramatic cases.