One day, a few weeks after his conversation with Ororo, Steve wakes up and realizes it's been days since he's thought about the baby. He feels guilty about it, because the least he can do for this poor baby is make sure it's remembered. There's a part of him, too, that thinks he doesn't really deserve the comfort of forgetting, because no matter what Tony says, Steve will always feel partly responsible for the miscarriage. The thing is, though, even with all those bad feelings that remembering again causes him, the pain is less terrible, somehow, less raw than it was before. And that, that is the moment he decides that they should try again for another baby.

There are a lot of reasons Steve thinks it's a good idea. Ororo's words about a new baby healing the wound a bit are still with him, and that's something Steve wants like burning. A big part of him, too, is afraid that if he doesn't try again soon, he's going to lose his nerve and never have another baby ever. There's a phrase Tony uses sometimes about teaching children to ride, something about getting back onto the horse when you fall or else you'll never get back on at all. Steve's iffy on the exact phrasing, but he thinks the idea applies here, too. It has to be now, or it'll probably be never.

There are still all the reasons Steve had wanted to wait for a fifth baby in the first place, but he's been rethinking those, to be honest. By the time a new baby's born, if they make it now, Wade will be four. That's old enough to keep Peter and Jan entertained, if not necessarily in line. Wade's a good big brother, and as he gets older he'll only take the job more and more seriously. And Peter's level-headed enough that even if Wade tries to initiate something crazy, he'll probably at least keep himself and Jan out of it. Plus, Jan may be a sweetheart, but she's also a diva, and it's terribly hard to please her at times. She's not going to go along with anything that might ruin her clothes or get her hair dirty. All of them will be almost a year older by the time the baby is born, so that should mean they're all a bit less trouble, at least. If Tony takes the three of them to work, most days, and keeps an eye on them, there should be no reason Steve can't handle the younger two. Even Carol, though, shouldn't be that much of a problem. She'll be over a year old by the time the baby's born, and like Peter, she's always been a calm child.

So there it is. All of his children will be fine with a little less supervision, and it's not like a new baby will cause that much chaos anyway, not compared to what the kids they already do on a daily basis. It's the perfect time for a new baby, and Steve, he's ready for it.

It's pretty ironic, then, considering their past stances on babies, that the only problem with the whole thing turns out to be Tony. Steve brings it up while they're in bed, one night.

"I think we should try for another baby," he says, casually and feels Tony's whole body tense behind him.

"I've got to get to the paddock early, tomorrow," Tony says, nonsensically. "Goodnight."
Steve looks back at him, surprised, but his eyes are closed. "Tony, what-" but Tony cuts in with a loud, fake snore. His body's still tense, though, so he's definitely not asleep all of a sudden. Clearly, though, the discussion will have to wait. The whole thing's a bit baffling, to be honest, but Steve lets it go. Tony can be inexplicably odd, sometimes, and he's just learned to live with it.

It only gets weirder after that. Steve tries a half dozen times to have the baby talk, at the horse paddock, in the workshop, even once during supper, and each time Tony finds something else that needs discussed urgently, or someplace he has to be immediately, or conveniently goes deaf. Finally, after a week of trying, Steve's forced to admit that Tony's not going to have this talk willingly. If they're going to have a baby, it's going to have to be through sneakier methods.

Steve thinks after that, well, they slipped up once, they'll probably do it again. He'll just wait for the night Tony forgets to grab the buffalo skin before sliding inside. It's bound to happen sooner or later.

Except, it never does. No matter how desperately Steve's scrabbling at Tony's shoulders or how loudly he's whining for Tony to just hurry up, Tony never, ever forgets to use his invention. Steve's beginning to think the only way they're going to make a baby is if he ties Tony up first. His hands, at least, so he couldn't reach for the buffalo skin and ruin Steve's plans. He could probably do it, too, and the horse ropes would certainly be strong enough. But, well, that's not really the mood he wants to set for this whole conception thing. He doesn't want to force Tony, just trick him a little bit.

Eventually, desperate, Steve thinks sabotage. He struggles with it for days, beforehand, but finally decides to just go for it. He feels like the worst bride ever, the whole time he's putting holes in Tony's buffalo skin invention with his sewing needle, but if Tony won't give him a baby and he won't talk about it, Steve isn't left with very many choices. Besides, he knows Tony wants this baby, even if, for whatever reason, he won't get Steve pregnant.

The next time they have sex, lets himself act as wanton and open as he can to lure Tony in. It's not even really pretending; Tony makes him feel that way every time they do this, he usually just tries to hold back because it's embarrassing how desperate he gets for Tony to be inside him. This time, though, Steve lets it all show.

Steve doesn't think Tony even means for it to turn into sex. He's just nuzzling Steve's neck, like every night, and Steve goes for it, pushes back against him and just mewls when he feels Tony getting hard. After that, Tony's got him on his back in a flash. It's a good position to conceive in, Steve thinks. It's his favorite because he likes being able to look up at Tony's face, kiss him if he wants, hold him close as he moves inside Steve. He also likes it because it's how all of his children were conceived.

It's probably suspicious when Steve doesn't even complain when Tony goes for his nipples, not even when he bends down and bites at them. His teeth hurt, worse than his fingers ever did, but Steve just bucks and thrashes with how good it feels under all the pain. And when Tony raises his head to look Steve in the eye with a trail of milk running down his chin, well, Steve's world goes white for few seconds.

Tony uses the opportunity to get fingers in him. He starts with one, like he always does, but he must be pretty desperate tonight, because he works his way up to three without the usual teasing. Then he's pulling Steve closer, hooking one of Steve's legs over his shoulder and one around his hip. He grabs hold of himself and is just about to press inside, Steve holding his breath in hope, when he stops, pulls back and reaches for the buffalo skin. Steve lets out a breath of disappointment, but, well, this is why he has a plan b.

It's good. Boy is it good. Tony's on fire tonight, hitting Steve in all the right places, with just the right speed and force. It's rough and heavy, Tony pounding into him and hissing when Steve's fingernails rake scratches down his back. And when Tony finally takes him in hand, stroking with just the right counter-rhythm, Steve loses it pretty quickly. Just as the sparks are taking over his vision, he feels Tony come inside him, just wet enough that Steve knows his plan worked.

"That was fantastic," Tony says, after he comes down. His smile is so wide and open. It's been a long time since he's looked like that, and Steve feels guilty, knowing it was his fault. Tony's been worried about him for so long. Now, though, with the baby they probably just made, things will be better. And if they didn't accomplish it this time, Steve will think of something else. Tony'll be happy, he thinks, because Tony loves him and he loves their kids, and no matter why he's being stubborn about this, he wants more of them.

That's what he thinks, anyway, until Tony pulls out and takes off the buffalo skin. It's pretty obvious, even from where Steve's still lying on his back, that it's leaking. He may have gotten carried away making holes, but he'd wanted to be sure it would work. Tony'll probably be mad, he thinks, but that's not exactly what happens.

What happens is, Tony takes one look at the thing and drops it like it's on fire. His breathing goes ragged and uneven, and he sits back hard on the pallet. "No," he breathes. "No, no, no, no. This cannot be happening. This isn't real." He looks up at Steve and his eyes are so wretched that Steve flinches back. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I thought it was safe, I thought there wouldn't be any mistakes, I swore it, Steve, I swore and now it's all wrong-"

"Tony," Steve cuts in, and sits up to grab Tony's hand. He should stay still, he knows, to help with the conception, but Tony's hurting and even if Steve's not sure why, he can't ignore it. "What are you talking about?"

"I swore, Steve," Tony tells him, voice firmer but eyes still wide and afraid. "I swore there wouldn't be any more babies. Not now, not ever. And now… I failed."

Steve thinks maybe he knows what this is about, and it's something he'd considered himself, when he was still so distraught about the miscarriage. "Tony," he says, forcing the words out. "It this because you don't trust me to have your kids anymore?" It's probably a valid concern, anyway. Even Steve's not sure he trusts himself, completely. It's partly what this pregnancy is about, proving to himself that he can have a healthy baby again.

"What?" Tony says, sounding confused. "No, I don't even know what that means. It's not about trust, Steve, it's about you dying. I swore I wasn't going to let it happen and I couldn't even do that right."

"Who's dying?" Steve asks, lost. He's not sure he and Tony are having the same conversation, here. "Tony, no one's dying."

"But you could!" Tony insists. "You could die, and I'll have killed you, Steve, just like I did to my-"

He cuts himself off, but not soon enough, and Steve realizes abruptly what's going on, here. Tony's never done well in situations with the potential for loss. Steve thinks something must have happened to him as a child, maybe someone said something to him, because Tony's convinced he's eventually going to be alone, without anyone to love him. It doesn't surface often, but when it does, it gets serious. And with the way his mother died, it's no wonder he's worried, now, especially after the miscarriage. Plus, Steve realizes, Tony's been so strong and supportive this whole time that Steve never even thought to ask if he was okay. With all the self-blaming he was doing, it didn't occur to him that Tony felt guilty, too.

"You didn't kill your mother," Steve tells him softly. "I don't know who told you that you did, but it was not your fault, Tony. And the miscarriage, that wasn't your fault, either. It was an accident. You told me that, remember? That it was just an accident, not my fault. So if it wasn't my fault, how could it be yours?"

"It doesn't matter," Tony says, brushing away the words. "Whether either of those things was my fault doesn't matter, because the invention obviously failed, and that can't be anyone's fault but mine. And now, if you die-"

"I'm not going to die, Tony," Steve says, exasperatedly. "No one is going to die. I'm going to have this baby, and it'll be healthy and I'll be healthy and everything will be perfectly fine. And anyway, the invention didn't fail because of a design flaw. It failed because I put holes in it." He admits this last part rather sheepishly, but it's something Tony needs to know, probably sooner than later.

"What?" Tony asks, incredulous. "Why would you do that?"

"I wanted a baby," Steve says defensively. "You wouldn't give me one or even talk about it. This was the only thing I could think of. And I know it worries you, but we both could die any day, and you know it. Any one of us could get trampled by horses or bitten by a desert snake. We live dangerous lives, and that's just how it is, so why not make the most of it while we're still alive?"

Tony seems calmer, now, if not entirely convinced, so Steve lies back down, pulling Tony to lie beside him with the hand he's still holding. Tony wraps his arms around Steve immediately and pushes his face into Steve's neck.

"I don't ever want to live without you," he says, muffled.

"You won't have to," Steve tells him. It's not something he can promise, and they both know it, but it helps to say, anyhow. He's got a good feeling about this baby, the one they might have made tonight, and Tony, he'll come around.

Tony does come around to the idea, and sooner than Steve expects. By the very next day, he's obviously pushed his fears and worries back down inside himself where they usually stay, because he wakes Steve up with a belly rub. "There might be a baby in here," he whispers in Steve's ear. "You know what that does to me."

Steve can feel exactly what it does to him, hard and insistent against his back. He sighs happily and rolls in Tony's arms to kiss him. Things get heated, fast, and just as Tony's hand is creeping lower, down past Steve's belly, they're interrupted by a cry from Carol.

"I changed my mind," Tony jokes, pulling back. "Let's not have any more kids, after all." And if he's joking about it, he must be pretty okay with it.

Steve laughs, giddily. "Too late," he says, and gives Tony one last kiss before getting up to find pants and feed the baby.

It really is too late, as they find out a few months later when the pregnancy sickness hits Steve again. He's relieved to feel it, honestly, despite the discomfort it causes him, because he can tell right away that it's nothing like the last time. There are no cramps, no fever, just good, honest nausea.

Tony's still worried, Steve can tell, but he doesn't say anything, and Steve never does either. When they pass the four month mark and baby starts kicking, they both heave a sigh of relief. He knows Tony won't be completely relieved until the baby's born, but Steve, he's confident, now, that everything will be fine. He'll have this baby and they'll both be fine. Then there will be five kids, but the thought doesn't fill Steve with dread like it did before. He wants them, all of them, and he'll love them and protect them for as long he lives.

As for the baby he lost, well, Steve won't ever forget it. He still feels sad, sometimes, even once he's pregnant again, but he thinks that's maybe normal. He works through it, when it comes, talks to Ororo or just plays with his kids. It's in those times that he always remembers what he said to Tony that night this baby was conceived. Life is dangerous, and there are so many ways for things to wrong, so why not make the most of it while he's still alive? He wants more kids, at least a few more, and he feels confident that they'll all be born healthy and he'll survive to raise them into adults. He knows there's a chance of dying, every day, though, so he's vowed that he's going to live every moment the best he can, with Tony and their kids and all the love they have between them. If he does that, no matter what happens in the future, everything will be okay.