A/N: So this is it, the last installment of this fic. Thanks to all of you who read and to all of you who took the time and effort to review, this means the world to me! Two lines from U2's "Bad" are quoted in this chapter. This song could have been named "Elliot" as far as I'm concerend, it's my Elliot song. Try it on u-tube :)

Chapter 15:

She takes the necklace off. It's too heavy around her neck, it suffocates her at night when it rolls back. Some nights she's wide awake and on some she falls asleep the minute her head touches the pillow. She stretches on the bed, she sleeps in the middle of it, she throws Elliot's toothbrush to the trash. At work she's in a better state with her colleagues, so she goes out with them for after-shift drinks every now and then. They lost the Briggs case because the judge didn't like the precedent Casey tried to pull, but at least the other cases brought on a conviction.

"Who's gonna update Elliot?" John asks, his nails peel the label off his beer bottle.

They're still five, hunched together in the red vinyl booth in the bar they all like. Munch sits across from her but it's Amaro's gaze she feels on her.

"Casey called him, I think," Fin says and she turns her head to her left to look at him.

Olivia is squeezed between him and Amanda and she can feel the tension that seeps from all four of them towards her. "Great. He was really helpful and at least Casey tried," she says because she needs them to stop looking at her and continue breathing as usual.

"Anyone volunteers for another round?" Amanda asks and Olivia is grateful for the change in topic.

"I'll go. Your usual?" Nick jumps to ask Amanda and Olivia eyes them both and something inside her drops. 'Don't go there', she thinks, 'Stay away, don't make the same mistake'. Nick slides to his right, making John stand up and let him out. "Anyone else wants anything?" he asks the rest of them when he's finally standing.

"Another one of these would be great." Olivia points to her empty bottle.

Nick nods and walks to the bar.

"Cragen should decide on the partnerships here, it's been too long," John mutters when he slides back on the bench across from them.

"You miss your old partner?" Fin quips, jutting his chin towards Munch.

"My boney ass is fine partnerless. It's the four of you who need some stability," John says and he looks directly at her.

"I'd take you any day, John," Olivia signs it off with an effortful smile, just as Nick comes back with three bottles and the conversation shifts.

Stability. Yeah, she remembers having that once.

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It's been over a month and he still fails despite his efforts to spend more time at home, talking to her about his day at work, doing family things with the kids, sleeping in their room. Kathy is not a fool and she knows him too well. He doesn't feel like himself and she can sense it too, but he can't help it. Most of the time he feels like there's a cloud around him that detaches him from himself; it's like he needs to remind himself to do things, to behave in a certain way, to breathe, while inside he is just numb. The only times the cloud clears is when the kids are around.

Since their argument a month ago, Kathy hasn't tried talking to him about the state of their marriage, maybe she gives it time but Elliot knows he's running out of it, because she looks at him strangely. He catches her examining his face when she thinks he doesn't notice.

They still haven't been intimate, unless an occasional peck on the lips is considered as sex. She hasn't initiated anything after his rejection and he hasn't either, and that's another thing, they both don't seem to want it despite their silent agreement to make an effort.

And maybe this is why it catches him by surprise, when they return home after having dinner with their kids in a restaurant on a Saturday night, and Kathy brings it up.

He returns to their bedroom after putting Eli in his bed; he fell asleep in his car seat on the way home, and now the house is quiet; his brother and sisters all went from the restaurant back to their own lives. Kathy changes into her pajamas while he sits on the edge of the bed, languidly taking his shoes off, and he can feel her eyes on his back.

"Remember how we used to wish for quiet evenings like that?" Kathy asks while pulling up her pajama pants.

Elliot turns to look at her and smiles. "Yeah." He turns his head back and drops his gaze down to his hands that rest on his thighs.

"Now that we have them, we don't use them." She ties her hair up with a clip.

Kathy moves from her side of the bed to stand in the middle of the room and he shifts to look at her. She eyes him quietly and he looks back at her and the tension in the room rises with every breathe they take.

"You've been screwing her, haven't you?" Her eyes are narrowed and she doesn't say who's her. It's a given.

He is dumbfounded for a few seconds. "I'm not screwing anyone," he says after a blink, rolling the words on his tongue, jutting his chin. And it's true, he has never screwed her, just like he doesn't feel that he's been fucking around. And anyway, it's certainly not the case now.

"You're not? But you have." Kathy pierces him with her eyes.

Elliot stands up and advances a few steps. He opens his mouth to speak but Kathy beats him to it.

"Don't lie to me, don't you dare lie to me." Her voice rises a bit and her lips curl in a grimaced smile, her body is rigid.

They're both silent for a moment, just staring at each other and it's out there and he doesn't argue with her. "There's nothing going on," he says and he knows that it's not enough.

"How long? Years? Months? Weeks?"

He is still silent because he doesn't know how to answer this without wounding her more.

"I knew all along you two were very close, but lately….something was off. You practically moved yourself out of our bedroom. I tried touching you, not even because I really…just to test it, and you jumped." Her voice breaks.

"Kathy," he starts.

"No, I believe you. There's nothing going on now and that's why in the last month you've been a shadow. Right?" Moist fogs her blue eyes.

"Kathy, I never wanted to hurt you." He takes a step closer and places his hands on her shoulders.

"You just couldn't walk away first and then do this, could you?" She looks into his face and the pain is replaced with anger.

"Kathy, I'm sorry, I never meant…you know I'd never…it's over, there's nothing going on.." He doesn't know what pains him more, to see the hurt in her eyes, to have her confront him because he's been too coward to face her, or that he has to express with words that Olivia is history.

"You know what hurts the most? That you think that I'd rather put up with this marriage than deal with this, than end this in the right way, Elliot." She nearly yells the last part and she shakes his hands off her shoulders.

He is silent. There's nothing he can say because she's right. She is stronger than him, Olivia is too. They dare do when he is too paralyzed to act. He screwed everything up, he's a screw up, always was, always is. He breaks everything he touches, Kathy, Olivia, his career. The only thing he hopes he's never ruined is his kids, and God knows he's made enough mistakes with them too.

"You'd better go back to Maureen's room tonight. I don't want you here anymore, Elliot." Kathy's voice is steady and resolute and it's over.

She walks out and down to the kitchen, giving them both space so that he can take himself out of their room without her there. Later on she closes the bedroom door and he lies awake in the dark room he's made into an office and the numbness is gone, it's replaced with a sharp sadness that penetrates every crevice of him.

Two days later he leaves the house and drives to Manhattan, with two bags thrown on the back seat of his Jeep. Andrew Higgins has given him the keys to a company apartment till he gets settled with something of his own. He called his kids and talked to them. They didn't fall off their feet with surprise. Kathy and he had decided that there was no point in assembling them all and notifying them about this. They are grown people now and it would be enough if they both talk to them separately. They've been through worse last time, because they were still kids that lived at home, and now they're not and they can better understand. Or so he hopes. They silently agreed not to tell them about his transgression. They might find out some day, but this additional pain now could be too much.

His heart broke for little Eli, who looked at him as he sat him on his knees and tried to explain to him that he wouldn't live with mommy and him in the house anymore, and that he would come to visit and stay with daddy from time to time in another house.

"But will you still buy me the red Power Ranger?" he asked, unable to understand what his father was telling him and what it meant.

"Sure, Bud, the red and the blue," Elliot said, his heart both crushed and relieved at his child's innocence.

"Not the blue, the black!" Eli exclaimed with a smile, happy to suddenly be offered two toys instead of one.

He hugged him and sighed, fully knowing that his youngest child would soon realize it all.

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He wants to go there, everything in him pulls him to her, but he can't. For her. He can't drop his shitty baggage on her like that. He can't make her blame herself for all this, when it wasn't her fault. It is entirely his. It has been all along, but knowing her, she will blame herself and he can't risk having her blow him off because of it.

But he feels it, every day of it. He feels every day that has passed since he's last seen her and time is stretching and stretching and he's running out of air. He shuts his phone down before hitting the Send key when he's about to call or text her, he forces himself away from her neighborhood whenever he feels the pull to appear at her doorstep. He drives by the precinct once and the fast beating of his heart doesn't stop even after he's ten blocks away, cursing himself for being such an idiot.

Another month passes, in which he meets with his kids and thanks God for the smart people Kathy raised. His elder daughters are so mature. "Are you sure? Are you happy?" Maureen asked him, and when he told her that he was sure but still not happy, she only hugged him and said "I want you to be, dad. I want mom to be happy too, that's all, and if it means that you have to find it separately, then fine."

"Wish you guys had thought about it before, dad, because it's just…," Kathleen sighed. "Whatever," she muttered resignedly, "Mom is still hot and you're ok too, you'll be fine." She shrugged, still a bit angry, and he caressed her hair.

"You sure you can't work this out?" Lizzie looked at him in the car when he dropped her off back at the dorms.

"We tried," he told her and she looked at him for a moment, pressing her lips before she hugged him. "I love you, dad, you know that, right?" She said and he hugged her back, uncertain if he should feel pathetic or blessed because his daughter felt sorry for him.

"I don't wanna know, dad. Mom told me and it's fine, really, it's fine. You guys know what's best for you," Dickie said impatiently when he tried to explain, and he reminded him so much of himself. He was afraid of facing his son the most, because although Kathy and he made sure not to say anything about Olivia, he was afraid that Richard, especially him, would guess. But he didn't. If he did, he didn't reveal it.

At the end of that month he gets the papers from Kathy's lawyer. He doesn't delve into the various paragraphs, he just signs them and sends them back by mail.

The cloud is almost gone, he's more focused, and while it means that he feels the sadness, it also means that he starts to feel like himself again, shit and all.

He goes to look at apartments and he signs the lease for one and there are no more excuses to keep him from doing what every nerve in him begs him to do. It's only been two and a half months since the day he told her that he loved her but it feels like a lifetime.

It's her eyes that he thinks about again, how her voice was almost flat when they sat in her car and she whispered 'Go' and how her eyes were anything but flat. And although he knows that she loves him, he's not sure what she's been thinking since he's last seen her, what she's been telling herself, and what frightens him the most is to find that she's realized that he's not worth it and that she has moved on and left him behind, because she can, she can be resolute like that.

He is still a jaded man who is closer to fifty than to forty, with five children and an almost final divorce, when he climbs up the stairs to her apartment on a Saturday morning, and his heart slams in his ribcage on the way, because he still wants and needs her, just her, and he prays that she will feel the same about him.

When Elliot reaches the door, he stares at it, remembering the times he'd knocked on it and she was there, letting him in, into her apartment, into her.

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'I'm wide awake, I'm not sleeping,' Bono's voice penetrates her from the stereo and it reminds her of Elliot. Not that she needs songs to remind her of him because he's always with her, sometimes he gets pushed to the back of her mind, but he's there still.

Olivia is reclined against the couch, surrounded by three case files and a book and the third coffee cup of the morning, the stereo is on, and it's all part of her one-day-at-a-time program, especially when she's not at work.

She turns the pages of the beige file and swears that after this one she's going to read the book, because she needs a break from work.

The knock on the door has other plans for her. She stills for a moment and the knock repeats, louder, it's heard over the music.

Olivia gets up off the carpet, drops the file on the couch and walks to the door. She doesn't need to look through the peephole because she already knows that it's him. She can feel him. She hears rustling outside and she doesn't know what he's doing here, and maybe she shouldn't open the door, but she does. 'To let it go, and so to fade away' she manages to hear a sentence from the song in the background and the key is already turning in the lock and the door is cracking open and it's Elliot.

It's Elliot and she hates it but her eyes sting and her throat thickens and he hasn't said a word yet. He's standing in front her, clad in a heavy jacket and jeans, and the blue of his eyes is a magnet.

He wants to talk, to say 'hello' or something, but his hands just clutch each side of the doorframe and all he can think of is how much he missed her smell, that distinct fragrance that is Liv, it's imprinted in him, in every nook of his memory from all the years he's spent with her, from all the nights he was at liberty to inhale it directly from her skin. Instinctively, he leans forward and Olivia takes a step back and clears the way for him to enter.

"It's not a good idea," Olivia manages to say when they stand in the square foot next to the closed door, in the small space that separates her small kitchen from the living room. They stare at each other and he's amazed at how clever the women in his life are. They always find the words before him. But she's wrong.

"I moved out," he expels.

"What? Why?" Olivia asks and she shakes her head, her voice is urgent with disapprobation.

"It's not you," he tries to reassure her, shaking his head too. "We tried but it didn't work, there was nothing to work on, even before you," he says and she realizes that he measures time by her too.

"When?" she asks and monosyllabics are all that she can handle right now.

"Over a month ago. I'm staying at an AVG apartment, but I've signed a lease to something here, in Manhattan."

She looks at him, silent, and he wants to reach his hand and touch her, he wants to feel her soft skin, her hair, her heat, but he doesn't dare. Not yet.

"We handed in the papers, it'll be done soon," he continues.

She is still silent, her eyes skim his face and then evade his and he can practically see the wheels turn in her head as she works on the self blame.

"Liv," he calls but she doesn't respond and she doesn't look at him. "Liv, it had nothing to do with you, we were done before that. I just…I don't know why I stayed, I should have left before. You both didn't deserve that from me. I…I'm sorry."

"Does she know?"

"Yes."

"Hmmph," Olivia scoffs bitterly, as if she's proving a point.

"This marriage…the divorce, it would have happened anyway, Kathy knows that. We were done, a long time ago, she tried to tell me that, only I wasn't listening."

Olivia chews on her bottom lip, and his hands rise towards her shoulders but he drops them before touching her, realizing that he still can't touch her. She doesn't cringe, he notices that.

"Liv, you and I, it wouldn't have happened if things were ok with me and Kathy." When she keeps her silence he continues, it's his life on the line here. "I love you. You know that. I've loved you for years and you love me too. We didn't plan it but it happened, and my marriage…I tried, more than once, and it still didn't work." Elliot stops and his eyes capture her gaze for a moment. "I love you," he quietly says.

She raises her eyes back to his. She believes him. Because she wants to and because he's never lied to her, and his eyes, his eyes are telling her that it's true. "Ok," she almost mumbles it.

"Ok go away, or Ok I love you too?" Elliot asks and the smirk starts in his eyes but reaches his mouth only when she huffs a breath and her pressed lips curl despite herself and her head turns away from him in an effort to keep it together.

Elliot's eyes focus on hers, and she sees him swallowing as his arm lifts and with the back of his hand he skims her cheekbone, his knuckles softly grazing her skin. Her smile disappears and she can still feel her heart throbbing in her throat and she can hear the music playing in the background again. She reaches to hold his wrist and closes her eyes, registering his first touch after months.

Both his hands rise to cup her face, his body moves closer to hers and she holds him by his forearms. When his face is close to hers and she can feel his breath on her, she feels at home. She is in her own apartment, but home is where he is. Elliot's lips touch hers and she's missed his taste, and their tongues already brush the other's lips and in a second their mouths are melded together, and it's him and her and their kiss is homecoming.

Her palms slide upwards from his muscular forearms to the strong palms that cup her face, and together their hands slide to wrap around each other, held together as they kiss.

When they break their kiss to breathe, their hug tightens, and she feels a heart thumping and she's not sure if it's hers or his, but it doesn't matter because she's missed it so fucking much; to feel Elliot's arms around her, to inhale him, to be as nearest as possible to crawling into him and rest there.

The smell of Olivia's hair is his breath, and he doesn't know where her body ends and his starts although they're with their clothes on, and he can live like this forever.

"I missed you. Fuck, I missed you so much," he mumbles and his entire body is awakened to hers, and his mouth is searching for hers again and when they kiss this time it's demanding and surrendering all at once.

"God, I missed you," he growls into her mouth as he thrusts deep inside her, his body fits against hers, his weight pressing her into the mattress, his hips spread her legs and her hands clutch his shoulders and neck, her head tilts back on the pillow, and when his wet mouth sucks in the smooth skin of her throat, Olivia moans. She wants to tell him that she's missed him too, that he's all she wants, but she can't speak, her body shows him anyway.

"Elliot," she mumbles, "Elliot." It's a moan and a plea and a declaration.

He groans in response, his hands slide to her upper thighs and his fingers dig into her soft flesh as he buries himself deeper inside her.

The sheer size of Elliot's chest and shoulders doesn't allow her hands to meet when she holds him tightly to her, so her hands roam and clutch anything she can grab of him and she feels his hard biceps and the muscles of his back and shoulders working as he thrusts and thrusts and thrusts into her. Elliot's hands slide up along her body and he's everywhere and her inner slickness contracts around his hardness inside of her. When his mouth crashes down on hers and she tastes him, she comes hard, moaning into him and the force of Elliot's release inside of her makes her dizzy.

They're panting, he's still inside her and Olivia's hands fall to the sides. There's warmth in her veins and she can feel Elliot's heart thrumming against her.

When he regains his breath, Elliot turns and pulls her with him to lie on top of him. He wraps his arms around her and her head rests on his chest, under his chin. Olivia's eyes are open and her fingers find their way to the Crucifix tattoo on his left shoulder. She trails her fingers on the outlines of it and she thinks about Elliot's beliefs and how it's all changed, and when he brings his left hand to caress her hair, the muscles under the tattoo flex and in the corner of her eye she notices that the ring is gone, and she wonders what part she's played in it and if she'll ever feel entirely ok with it.

Elliot's fingers in her hair and the pace of his breathe sooth her and Olivia closes her eyes.

He makes love to her in the shower, leaning his forearms on the cold tiles to protect her back from touching it. She wraps her legs around his hips and hot water drip from him to her when his mouth trails her jaw, teases her chin and brushes her lips before his tongue penetrates her mouth and his hardness penetrates her. Elliot moves inside her and Olivia closes her eyes, giving in to pleasure. After he comes inside her and lowers her to stand on the shower floor, his hands caress her face and neck, and when Elliot slides his right hand to her chest, his fingers skim her two necklaces and her gaze falls on his Marine tattoo.

"Wear it again," he asks, his voice low. The symbols that are inked on his skin are the same that he gave her.

She brings her eyes up to the blue and kisses him in response.

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"Anything here but OJ and low fat cheese?" Elliot pulls his head out of her refrigerator and turns to look at her. Olivia is pouring coffee into two mugs and snaps her head to look at him.

"I was gonna order something in. Want some pizza?" She asks.

"Nah," he says, straightening up and closing the fridge door.

Olivia presses her lips together and looks at him. "Wanna go eat outside?" She tries.

Elliot takes a few steps and stops to stand in front of her, his eyes flash when they lock with hers. "Do people in Manhattan go grocery shopping?"

"Yes," she answers hesitatingly, dragging the word.

"I figured as much," he says and a predatory smirk starts spreading on his face. "Wanna go grocery shopping with me?"

And she tries to swallow the laughter, but a fragment of it comes out exhaled, because goddamn him, he makes fun of it now.

"Well?" Elliot asks in a low, gravelly tone and his arms close around her waist and he pulls her into him.

"Yeah, I guess I could go grocery shopping with you," she slowly nods her head and her smile teases him back as her arms slide around his neck.

They kiss and she breaks it for a moment and opens her mouth to speak but he already reads the hesitation in her eyes.

"No one's going anywhere this time, Liv," Elliot's eyes are locked with hers, "except for grocery shopping, that is," he smiles and kisses her again.

And as they stand there, leaning against the kitchen counter, kissing and holding each other, and the early dusk reflects through the window, she thinks about home and strength, and about possibilities and stability, and about the happiness that's creeping into her.

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With their accumulative ages reaching ninety and all their years together, they don't 'date', they're just together, though it doesn't mean that they don't go out so she could show off and he could take off all the dresses he's only seen on her in undercover stints or when she used to date. They're together in every way that matters, tied to each other in ways that defy and define love; they're together when Elliot faces his kids and when he soon moves into her apartment, and when Olivia's colleagues learn about them and when his Wednesdays-and-every-other-weekends with Eli becomes their routine. They're together through everything that life has to offer them, whether good, bad or gray.

They're together.

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End note: Hope you'll check out my other fics. I will upload them all on here. Click on my profile to reach them. The next one I started uploading is "Footsteps". Love y'all.