Deeks had a quiet moment to himself, so he sat down at his desk and took a deep breath, allowing his body to relax slightly. He closed his eyes and tried to calm the storm that went on inside his mind.

Why was this so difficult? It had been weeks since the capture and nothing felt easier, nothing felt right. Just sitting at his desk in the empty bullpen at the end of the day was difficult. He was afraid that if he relaxed too much, he would lose whatever grip he had on his sanity and he couldn't let that happen. He had to hold it together. He had to push through. He used every ounce of his strength in order to act like everything was fine or else he could lose the one thing in his life that still made sense: his job. He worked hard, he risked his life, all for the greater good. Every day, he could see the difference he was making. If he was not able to do his job... then what could he do? Who would he be? Would anything he did matter? Would he just fade away? Would anyone care?

He couldn't believe that this was his life right now. Before the capture, he had dedicated himself to undercover work, to becoming someone else in order to help others, but at the same time still knowing exactly who he was. Now, he was pretending to be himself to the only person who truly knew him. Kensi.

He hated what was happening to them. Before he was captured, he was ready to take a leap of faith. He was ready to lay it all out there and really start communicating with her. He was tired of their routine of dancing around each other and never saying what they meant. They would say that they were fine and good, but neither of them really believed that. Then there was the capture and the torture and the rescue and back to the mission at hand. There was no time to stop and process what happened to him, because there was a job to do. Now, he didn't know what to do at all. He wasn't sure of anything anymore, especially when it came to Kensi.

So he did the only thing he could think to do: he forced himself to not think about their kiss. It was too much for him to process that right now. How does he reconcile the Marty Deeks who has undeniable, deep feelings for his partner with the Marty Deeks who was almost damaged beyond recognition? How can this Marty Deeks, the one who can't escape the panic and the fear, ever hope to share his life with her? In his mind, he tried to go back to the place he once was, before the capture, before the kiss, and then act like none of if happened. Then maybe, things would progress as they should have, as if he was still the man he once was.

But it wasn't working. Nothing was working. He tried cutting himself off from everything and everyone. He tried taking things one day at a time. He tried something new and adventurous. He tried being cautious and careful.

The worst part of all of this was that Kensi seemed to be fine and it seemed like she forgot about everything. She was back to mocking him and teasing him and flirting with him without it actually going anywhere. She had gone back in time as well. The only difference was that she seemed content there.

The sound of footsteps brought him out of his trance. He opened his eyes and saw Kensi right in front of him. He stood up from his chair.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hey. What are you doing here? I thought everyone went home."

"Um... I was actually looking for you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah... " She rocked back on her heels, nervously. She played with the band of her watch and avoided eye contact with him. "How... how are you doing?"

"I'm good."

"Good, huh?"

"Yes. Why do you ask? We've had this talk before. In fact, I've had this talk with everyone."

"Yes, and you always give the same answer. You're good."

"I don't see a problem with that."

She took a deep breath. "You don't have to keep pretending like nothing is wrong."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Kens."

"I think you do. Deeks, I know you. You're acting like you're fine, but you're not fine. The motorcycle, the walking work station... what were those all about? What are you trying to figure out?"

"So, I'm the one who's pretending? I'm the one who's acting like everything is fine? What about you? You've seemed to have no problem treating me like nothing is wrong. Like nothing is different."

"I didn't want to do this in front of everyone. I was trying to give you some space. I was trying to treat you the way I thought you wanted to be treated."

"Well, you don't have to worry about me. I'm managing this on my own."

"Deeks, I don't believe that for a second. If there is something wrong with you, then you can't fix it on your own. If you have PTSD..."

"You know, just because you knew one person with PTSD doesn't make you an expert." As soon as he said this, he regretted it. He couldn't look at the wounded expression on her face.

"Deeks, I came here to tell you something. I've been given a new assignment. I'm leaving with Granger in the morning."

"What?! Where? For how long?"

"Granger just told me. We're leaving for Afghanistan... and I have no idea how long we'll be gone."

He was speechless. The storm inside his mind was getting worse. Despite the confusion he felt regarding her, he knew that simply being around her helped him. Her presence grounded him in reality... and now she was leaving.

"Deeks?"

His voice still escaped him.

"Deeks... is there... anything you want to talk about... anything you want to say before I leave?"

His heart was racing. His mind was spinning. He was fighting a battle and was so close to losing. He couldn't breakdown in front of her. What if he lost control... and then never got it back?

He cleared his throat, trying to compose himself. "I... I don't know what to say."

He swore he saw a faint glisten of tears in her eyes. And then as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. "Well, then I don't know either."

The silence was overwhelming. Every impulse was screaming at him to run away from this, but he was unable to move. Then her face changed from hurt to anger.

"Is this how it's going to be? Refusing to communicate, getting no where. Deeks, I'm leaving. I don't know when I'll be back. I don't know if I'll be back and you're just going to stand there, saying nothing?!"

"You're not saying anything either."

She took a deep breath and it seemed like a switch was flipped inside of her. There was not even a hint of emotion in her face anymore.

"Well, then, I think I'm done here. Take care of yourself, Deeks. I hope I'll be back... eventually."

She didn't wait for him to answer. She turned around and walked away.

This was all too much for him. She was so right and so wrong at the same time. She was right that he was still struggling, that he was trying too hard to pretend that everything was fine. But she was so wrong in not saying what she really means either. She was leaving, for who knows how long... and who knows if she will make it back alive. This could be the last time they got to see each other. And they both blew it.

Deeks sunk into his chair, praying that he didn't just make the biggest mistake of his life.