Summary: The Dark Lord was surprised to find a certain Muggle-born witch at his doorsteps. The reason why she'd appeared, however, was what truly disturbed him ...

Disclaimer: Everything from the Potterverse belongs to J.K. Rowling and I am not making any profit from this.

Rating: T

Warning/s: None

Betas: None. Be afraid. Very afraid. Or basically ... run.

Prompt: Written for Pumpkin-dream's Tomione Day, May 29th, on Tumblr.

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A/N: Okay, yes, I know this one-shot is incredibly silly, but … yeah … I didn't want to do something too dark for Tomione Day, so silliness it is.

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Tomione Day

It was strange, to say the least, when Lord Voldemort found a certain Muggle-born witch at the front door. Well, it was actually one of his Death Eaters that had seen her and reported to him about it—he had rewarded said Death Eater with a round of Crucios for failing to tell him before she'd reached his front door and the pathetic follower who had been in charge of guarding the front gate had been properly disposed of—but technicalities and all that boring stuff.

He was curious.

The last time he had heard about Hermione Granger, she had been hunting for his Horcruxes with Potter, so what was she doing here?

So, he decided to give in to his curiosity and granted her a meeting. Her eyes had caution but none of the fear that was so common in ordinary wixens.

Interesting.

"Hermione Granger. I welcome you," he said softly, running a single pale finger down the length of his yew wand. "Pardon me for getting straight to the point, but to what do I owe the pleasure of having you here on your own free will?"

Both of them knew that if he captured her, Potter would have no choice but to surrender, so he could not imagine why she would dare to come here alone.

Taking a deep breath, she stared straight into his blood-red eyes. "There's a good reason why I'm here."

He raised a non-existent eyebrow in a mocking manner.

She ignored it and continued, "Have you ever heard of the term 'fanfic'?"

Voldemort gave pause. Before he could answer her, she continued speaking.

"Given your obvious dislike towards all things Muggle, I'm going to assume you don't."

She then promptly gave him a lecture on what fanfic was, including what the words "canon", "shipping", and other terms meant.

"As … fascinating as all of this drivel is, I fail to see how it concerns me," Voldemort said once she had finished.

"Someone wrote a book series called 'Harry Potter' in the Muggle world," Hermione said.

"That person won't be the first or last person to be a fan of Potter," Voldemort said in disgust.

Of course, he would make any fans of Potter pay once he took over the world.

A wry smile appeared on Hermione's face. "Judging purely from the books, I can't decide whether she's a fan of Harry or not, but that's not the point. In the Muggle world, the Harry Potter series is considered canon, not fanfic."

Voldemort rolled his eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Hermione continued. "The real problem is … a certain group of fans of the Harry Potter series."

"They cheer for Potter. There's something wrong with them by default," Voldemort said with another roll of his eyes."

"There are people … who ... " She then muttered something that was impossible to hear, regardless of how good of a hearing Voldemort had.

He stared at her, not bothering to ask her to repeat herself. As they locked eyes with one another, Hermione's cheeks grew redder until they rivaled the hair color of the Weasleys.

"There are people who ship you and me," she blurted out as quickly and loudly as she could.

This time, he ogled at her in disbelief and disgust.

"If this is a joke—"

"Why would I joke about something like this? And it would be extremely stupid of me to walk into your place, risking my own well-being, just to pull a prank on you," she told him. "I'd … I'd also heard that they're naming May twenty-ninth 'Tomione Day' and—"

"What day?"

"Tomione. As in ... as in Tom and Hermione but in shortened form."

If Voldemort wasn't so outraged by the news of someone daring to ship him with a Mudblood, he would've Cruciated said Mudblood for saying his birthname.

"—making it a national holiday over at this country that nobody cares about called the Gutter City."

"What?"

"They're making it, that is, Tomione Day, a national holiday at Gutter City," Hermione repeated herself.

Voldemort's fingers tightened around his wand. "Who was the person who dared to suggest putting the two of us together?"

"I would show you, but I don't think Muggle technologies work in here," Hermione said.

He glanced at her, impressed that she had taken note of one of the wards he'd used. However, that also meant that perhaps the rumors weren't false, and she was as intelligent as they had told her. If that was true … given that she was on Potter's side, he would either have to sway her or kill her. She was a Gryffindor, not a Hufflepuff, though the Sorting Hat was known to be wrong at times.

However, that was not the most important thing right now. Getting rid of those who think that Tomione Day would be a good idea was far higher on his priority list right now.

"According to my investigations, Tomione Day was proposed by a certain individual going by the name of 'Pumpkin', though they sometimes go by 'pumpkin-dream' as well," Hermione said. "The official date, however, was chosen by a list of individuals. I hacked into the system and took down the names."

With a flick of her wand, a list appeared out of thin air and flew towards Voldemort. After looking it over, Voldemort glanced at Hermione.

"I propose a momentary truce, in order to rid the world of these sick individuals," Hermione said.

He gave her a nod. Looking back at the list of names in his hand, his lipless mouth curled into a cold smile.

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Two cracks resounded through the air. Black silk robes flowed around Voldemort as he strode forward. Before he reached the front door, Hermione grabbed onto his arm. He sneered at the offending hand. Rolling her eyes, Hermione released her grip.

"Aren't you going to check to see if there are wards?" she asked.

He sneered. "Only silly Muggles would see it appropriate to fantasize about putting Lord Voldemort and a Mudblood in a romance."

She snorted—the nerve of the woman! If she hadn't been and would probably be useful, he would've disposed of her already.

He gazed at the place they had landed. According to what Hermione had said, this was where the daring Pumpkin lived. They both agreed that it would be best to nip the problem at its bud and so they had decided to "visit" the creator of Tomione Day first, to serve as a warning to the rest of the people who dared to ship Lord Voldemort and Hermione Granger.

Hermione had also brought along what she said was called a "camera phone". She would use it to record how Voldemort "thanked" Pumpkin and upload it to the Internet.

The two of them entered Pumpkin's house and … found it empty.

"Is this a trap?" Voldemort hissed, rounding on Hermione after searching the house three times over.

Hermione scowled as she continued glancing around the house for any trace of humans. "Perhaps … they found out we were coming and are hiding? Oh! Perhaps you can lure them out somehow."

"Lure them out?"

"You know … use a Glamour Charm or something. I'd heard that many of the—" She shivered, much like a pureblood would when they used the word Muggle. "—Tomione shippers really like, er, your looks from your younger days. You know … before you became all snake-like."

His non-existent eyebrow arched upwards again.

"Seriously?"

"I'm serious. Look," she said, showing him a few posts on the Internet.

After seeing the evidence, he let out an exasperated sigh and he opened his mouth to speak. However, before he could, Hermione looked at him with widened eyes.

"What?" he snapped.

"Uhn, mhf, duh."

With her cheeks a flaming red once again, she turned her gaze away from him. However, he still caught her stealing little glances at him.

"What?" he demanded.

"Testing, testing, one, two, testing."

Voldemort whirled around, looking for the source. It turned out to be an intercom.

"Do you like what you see, Hermione?" another voice spoke up through the intercom.

"Wait, I'm not certain if they hear us inside yet. Let me check the mic again—"

"The Dark Lord is staring at the intercom. Of course it works, or else they would still be looking for Pumpkin," a third voice spoke up.

"Good lord, look at that fine specimen. Why does Hermione get all the fun!?" a fourth voice whined.

"Now's not a good time for that," the second voice said, annoyed. "Anyhow ... Hermione, tell us your opinion of the Dark Lord's looks."

"Wait, what?" Hermione asked, confused and snapping out of her previous discomfort.

"You saw her reactions. She obviously thinks he's cute," the third voice said.

"What is this nonsense?" Voldemort hissed.

"Ohhhhh, look! He still looks so cute when he's pissed off!" the fourth voice squealed.

"You might want to see for yourself," Hermione said quietly, giving him a hand mirror.

His mouth uncontrollably dropped open. His snake-like features were gone, and in their place was the face he had tried so hard to get rid of.

"It appears that I was correct and there are wixen folks amongst them," Hermione said.

That was the last straw on the camel's back. Whipping out his wand, he threw a curse at her. Unfortunately, she managed to duck out of the way.

"Ohhhh, look! Angry sex, angry sex!" someone chanted through the intercom.

However, Voldemort's concentration was no longer on them. Instead, his concentration was on hexing the damned witch that was more slippery than he had thought. Her wand was out now, and every once in a while, she would fling a curse back at him.

The insolent Mudblood! He would curse her if it was the last thing he did!

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In a secret, warded room somewhere far away, everyone huddled around the computer, watching as their favorite Dark Lord and Muggle-born witch tried to kill one another.

"Do you think …" someone trailed off.

"Yeah, I think just a bit more."

"What? Before they kill one another?"

"Nah, before they snog one another senseless. We know better than they do: This is definitely their form of foreplay."

"Ohhhhhh."

"What if … they manage to get out of that place?" someone asked.

"It does have some of the best wards to keep wixens in. Well, at least until they, you know …" A soft giggle escapes her lips. "... with one another."

"And then the spell breaks?"

"Yeah, so … how about we find a better secret place so that they can't find us once they get out?"

Everyone looked at one another.

"Nah, let's watch the show first," they chorused before they turned their attention back to the computer screen once more.

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