Title: Thoughts of a God

Author: Cat

Rating: PG

Summary: The God of War's thoughts.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the Xena Warrior Princess show or Hercules the Legendary Adventures. I do however own the story line.

I sit here wondering where I could have gone wrong. She was mine and I lost her. I let her go again. There was a saying about letting something go and if it was meant to be it would come back, well what if you had the chance twice and let it go, did the theory still hold? I shake my head in disgust. Disgust of myself and disgust of this whole situation. Where did I go wrong? I'll tell you where, the first time I met her and let my heart warm to her.

If you haven't guessed I am Ares God of War. Hated and feared by most everyone. There are a few that have slipped through and are not scared of me. Those I treasure the most. They are the ones who keep me challenged. The fateful day that I came across her I felt something begin to burn inside my cold chest. Her eyes mesmerized me. Her movements in battle were that of a graceful dancer to me. She was a magnificent creature and I wanted her. If it was just the physical attributes that attracted me, I could of ended this obsession some time ago, but she had to have a mind and a spirit to go with the beauty. She was a fierce warrior, a cunning warlord, a destroyer and a passionate woman. She would be my undoing, I was sure of that. She came to me willingly at first. She lead my armies. She destroyed nations for me, she was mine, my match. But, just as I get comfortable she, being a woman, changed her mind and left. I let her, but never gave up on her. I should have used a different strategy, but no I decided to torment her, I tried to trick her into coming back. I did this to her for years. Then when I lost my God Hood, she got it back, but still refused to rule at my side. I couldn't figure out why she would help me after all I had done to her, but she did. I was still too stupid to stop at trying to get her back. I know now she just wanted to live her mortal life out in peace, a peace I seldom gave her. I thought I had lost her in that distant land, but the bard brought her back. I was happy, me the God of War happy, that she was alive. I wanted to sweep her up and kiss her, but I held back. I made a comment about her cheating death again and vanished. It was then I finally woke up and decided to leave her alone. I would let her have her peace for a while. I would let her have her bard. I waited. I was a God I could wait for eternity. Then, after many years, the bard died. She suffered a long death. The sickness was a slow torment. In the end the bard looked like a shell of the woman she once was. Her body had been shattered by the disease. I watched as my beloved cared for her dying friend with no concern for her own health. I could not have healed the bard, but then I am not sure I would of, if it had been possible. Pain was etched on my beloved's face when her best friend took her last breath. As the bard passed to the underworld, my princess turned her face to the sky and screamed "WHY! WHY WOULDN'T YOU HELP ME SAVE HER?" I debated my next move. Hesitated, then appeared before her. She no longer accused me verbally, but her eyes told me the hate growing in her heart. A hate for me. She had given a lot to me over the years, and I never paid her back. The gray streaking her raven hair was striking. Her pale blue eyes were still piercing, and I still her tormentor. I knelt by her and took the bard's cold hand. I couldn't bring her back, but I could take away the devastation to her body that the disease had caused. My love's eyes looked down at her friend. She was as she was in youth again. My love brought her vision back to me. Now I see a thank you in her eyes. She knows I couldn't of saved her, War does not heal it destroys, but I could at least make her bard peaceful and beautiful again. I help her with the funeral. We watch the fire grow as the bard's spirit is sent on it's journey. I again turn to her. I see now the reality of her. She is older. Wrinkles creep at her face. There is more gray than I remember in her hair. Her warrior stance is still, but slightly sagged. I sense the pain from her. The pain of her loss and the pain of many years of battling. We say nothing. I vanish.

So now we are where we started. I sit on my throne, alone, contemplating where I went wrong. But now I know the answer. I went wrong when I let my selfishness take hold. I had thought for many years that I could force her back, but now I understand you can not force love from another person. I watch her again. She is fragile now and also alone. Her life will slip away soon and I know she will have punishment for her crimes against humanity to deal with, even though she had tried to redeem herself.

I let her go, and she has never asked to come back. I quit bothering her some time ago, I wonder if she thinks I have forgotten about her. I probe her thoughts. She is remembering her first battle. She thinks of me and a smile crosses her aged face. She does think I have forgotten her, but she remembers me. She thinks I have for she is not a beauty anymore. But as I look down on her all I see are her mesmerizing pale blue eyes. Age has not touched them. I appear before her. She looks to me. No words are passed. I know what she wants. She offers her wrinkled hand and I take it to mine. We vanish to my temple. I take her to the bed. She is weak. Death is pending. I lay her down and hold her hand. If I could not be with her in life, I will be with her to help her on her way to the underworld to join her bard. My love for her as not died, I feel it growing stronger as I look down into those blue eyes. I feel Death coming. I bend down to her face. One last kiss, that is all I want from her and I will release her yet again. I see only her eyes, her lovely blue eyes, and I kiss her. My love is expressed in the kiss, love I can not express with words. I open my eyes and to my shock she is young again. She looks just as she did the first day she stole my heart. I feel Death leaving, for there will be no one to claim today. Still my loves says nothing, she stares into my eyes. I hear someone enter the room. I turn to see my sister Aphrodite. She smiles "Brother she will be with you from now on, for you have finally admitted your feelings for her and she to you. It has been done as the fates have predicted." She vanishes and I turn back to my love. She speaks "Ares I thought our love had died, but now I know that is not so." I look down again at her and for the first time find the courage to speak the words that I have been to weak to speak before "Xena my love, I love you more than life itself, I offer you this, stay with me forever as my wife, my equal and my queen." I feel the smile creeping on my face, again I feel happiness in my cold soul and my chest grows warm with love once again. She answers "Yes my darling, I have waited too long for happiness and I won't deny either of us again." We embrace. The past is behind us, we have only the future, our future, to look forward to.

It has been 2,000 or so years since that day in my temple. My love is still at my side. We are no longer needed by the mortals, but we stay and do our thing whether they want it or not. She is still the most ravishing creature and my heart burns stronger for her everyday. My half brother once said "War was not capable of love", but oh how he was wrong. I think back to that saying about letting something go, and I find that I am glad I let her go for awhile, for it was true love that brought her back. We will be together for eternity and who knows perhaps the world will need us again. Ares God of War and Xena Goddess of Salvation, my salvation.