Characters: Kurt, Rachel, Finn
Words: 2806
Rating: PG
Warnings: canon character death, not Blaine-friendly
Summary: Back in NY after 5x03, Rachel asks Kurt for help with something that used to belong to Finn. Don't read this if you're not ready :( Author's notes at the end of the fic.

The Laptop

"Kurt? Can I come in?"

"Just a second," Kurt called out, and hurriedly packed away the few items he had taken home to New York. An elf-on-the-shelf wobblehead figure that Finn used to tease him with, saying it was a perfect likeness. Finn's hairbrush. An opened bottle of his aftershave. Kurt wished he could have packed the whole room up, tasteless posters and ugly plaid drapes included, and install it into the loft like a shrine, but that wasn't possible- and it wouldn't be healthy. His rational mind knew this, even if he wasn't there yet emotionally. He secured his keepsakes into his trunk with Bruce and the few pictures of his mom that he had taken from the Hummel family album. His father had told him he could take the entire album with him to New York if he wanted, but Kurt didn't want to do that to him. Even though it had been standing on the shelf in Kurt's bedroom since she died, he knew his dad sometimes took it out when he thought Kurt was sleeping. "Okay, I'm decent," he called out, quickly undoing a few buttons on his pyjamas so he could do them up while Rachel came in and pretend he had been getting dressed.

Rachel pushed aside the privacy curtain and stepped in, offering him a small smile. "It's okay, you know," she said. "I know you took his Old Spice. I can smell it when you take it out."

Kurt swallowed and gave up his act. "Rach, I'm so sorry," he said, but Rachel shook her head.

"It's okay," she replied, sitting down on the bed next to him. "It's actually kind of nice smelling it inside the loft. And I know I have to get used to it anyway. It's not exactly the haute-couture of aftershaves. A lot of people wear it."

Kurt nodded, but still felt a bit guilty. He was trying so hard to save Rachel pain; it was just that his own sometimes got so big he needed to take the suitcase out. Trying to get over himself, he focused on the item in Rachel's hands. "Is that…?" he trailed off.

"Finn's laptop. Yes," Rachel confirmed, looking down at the slim case with a large WMHS sticker on it. "Carole wanted to donate it to the school because they can always use a few modern ones for computer class, but there are a lot of pictures of us on it so she gave it to me first. And I want those pictures, I really do. I just-" she broke off. "Could you…?"

Kurt understood and quickly nodded. "Of course. I'll make sure to secure them on DVD and then I'll swipe the hard drive-" He stopped himself from saying clean. It would sound like it was dirty now. "I'll reset it so the computer kids can use it," he corrected.

Rachel bit her lip. "I need one more favour," she confessed, looking down on the laptop case. "All of his personal stuff…facebook, twitter, email…he's still logged in. Could you maybe…close his accounts? So people who don't know— so people who send him something get some kind of error message? I would do it myself but I'm afraid-"

"It's okay," Kurt said sympathetically, taking her hand and squeezing it, but Rachel looked anxious to justify her request. Kurt stopped interrupting and let her explain.

"Last year, me and Finn saw this thing on tv about a woman going through her husband's computer and finding…stuff on it. Um…Porn. They had this big fight about trust. I said that it was gross of him because porn gives guys unrealistic expectations of women and then Finn said he thought the woman should have respected the guy's privacy, and that every guy has porn on his computer."

Kurt opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again. Rachel continued.

"I thought that was a weird thing to say because it felt like he was includinghimself in that and I wasn't sure how to feel about that."

"Rachel, I'm sure Finn didn't-" Kurt started, but Rachel shook her head.

"No, it's okay. Even if it's true and he had some…downloaded videos or an embarrassing browser history…" She shrugged a little awkwardly. "I know Finn was a decent guy who treated women with respect, and when we were together he never expected me to do anything…degrading-" She broke off again, shaking her head and closing her eyes tightly. She took a moment to compose herself and then looked at Kurt. "Back then I promised him I wouldn't go look for it, and I stand by that. But I don't want to find something by accident either. I don't want anything to influence the way I feel about him, and finding out he secretly had a thing for redheads or handcuffs or-"

Kurt cut her off quickly. "I understand."

"I know it's a lot to ask-" she started again, but Kurt stopped her.

"It's okay. I've seen his browser history before. Blackmailed him with it, in fact." He added the last casually and winked at his friend, hoping to see her smile a little again. Rachel gave it a valiant try, but tears rolled down her face anyway. Kurt squeezed her hand again before letting go and taking the case. "I'll take care of it. Whatever… guy secrets he had, they are safe with me."

"Thank you, Kurt," Rachel whispered.

Kurt kept his smile up until she was out of his part of the loft, and then allowed his face to fall. He didn't want to accidentally stumble on Finn's porn stash either. Once was enough. He was his brother. But it was better this way. He knew Finn would have been far less embarrassed if it was him instead of Rachel. He hugged the case close to his chest and decided to look at it that night.

Kurt's fears were ungrounded. Either Finn had learned to surf in privacy mode or he had used his phone for that kind of stuff; Kurt could navigate to Finn's social media accounts without auto-finish leading him to any shady URLs, and his picture folder was completely family-friendly as well. Kurt opened Finn's facebook, wrote a small and simple message on Finn's wall in the name of the family, saved all the pictures and then deactivated the account. He deleted Finn's browser history without looking at it.

When he opened Finn's email server, almost a hundred new messages appeared in his inbox. Kurt stared at the small bolded digits for a while. He wasn't sure if he should click them or not. But, like Rachel had said, among those new emails there might be urgent messages from people waiting to hear from Finn. Kurt took a deep breath and opened Finn's inbox. Most of it consisted of spam and newsletter subscriptions. A few emails from college friends of Finn's Kurt didn't know, a response to a job-application and a long, emotional email from Tina which he closed after realising she had sent it after Finn's death as a goodbye. Kurt composed an auto-reply text that would be sent out to anyone who'd try to mail Finn's address in the future and sent the same text by hand to the people who had mailed Finn in the past weeks. It was done. Finn's digital life was wrapped up. Or maybe not.

As Kurt tried to close the program, a pop-up appeared.

You have (1) unsent mail in your drafts folder. Do you want to send or discard your draft?

Kurt blinked. An unsent mail? Had one of his replies not been sent out properly? He clicked the drafts folder and forgot to breathe for a moment. There was an email waiting to be sent out, but it was not one of the mails he composed today. It was a mail from Finn… addressed to Kurt Hummel.

Kurt felt his heart plummet, and his body broke out in a cold sweat. Was this a joke? Was he being set up? Panicking slightly, he looked around the empty room. Okay, get a grip, he told himself firmly.You must have typed in your own address out of habit when you were replying. Letting out a deep breath, Kurt moved his mouse to the draft - and saw that it was composed over a month ago. He swallowed. One day before Finn's death.

Kurt hesitated. Should he read it? It was addressed to him, after all. It is probably a fluke, he told himself. One of those empty auto-saved drafts. He shivered. What if it wasn't?

What if it was a goodbye note? Had Finn somehow foreseen what would happen? What if it held more information, a clue, secrets- something to prove his death wasn't an accident? Suddenly Kurt wasn't sure if he wanted to read it. Like Rachel, he wanted to keep Finn's memory intact. Nothing this mail could possibly say would bring him back. But it was Finn's last message to him, and Kurt longed to hear Finn's voice once more, even if it was just in writing. He took a few moments to compose himself, and then opened the email.

Dude!

Kurt let out a choked laugh that was closer to a sob, and clasped his hand over his mouth. Finn was the only one of the guys who called him that- and the only one who consistently acknowledged him as a guy. Kurt hadn't realised how much he would miss that.

You got engaged to Blaine?! What the hell dude? I didn't even know you guys were back together!?

Kurt smiled through misty eyes. It was like he could hear his brother's exclamation marks.

Why didn't you tell me? Not cool. Remember when you were upset that I didn't tell you I proposed to Rachel?

Kurt chewed the corner of his lips. Of course he remembered that. He had been torn between being a good friend for Rachel and feeling happy for her, and feeling sorry for Finn for thinking he had nothing else going for him in his life. Kurt remembered his little lecture in the boys' locker room, telling his brother that a teen wedding was a bad idea and that he should think of his own future rather than settling for being a part of Rachel's. Kurt looked down on his engagement ring. Finn had been in the middle of midterms, and he hadn't wanted to distract him. At least, that was what he had told Blaine and the others. The truth was, he had been a little wary about Finn finding out. The others had all been so happy for them, even those who were against Finn and Rachel's engagement last year, but somehow he expected that Finn wouldn't have forgotten about their talk. It seems like he was right. Kurt braced himself and read on.

Look, you're my brother so I got your back. But I don't get it. When I was in New York you were super-sad. I don't think I've ever seen you like that, except maybe when Burt was in the hospital. Blaine didn't seem half as sad as you. He was just singing and dancing like always. It was like he just assumed you would get back together. Like he took it less serious than you, you know? I tried talking to him about it but he was always hanging out with Sam and I wasn't sure if you wanted other people to know about what happened. I didn't tell anyone from Glee club what Blaine did and I don't think he told anyone either.

Kurt felt tears starting to sting behind his eyes, threatening to spill. A part of him felt like he didn't deserve Finn's loyalty, but he was so grateful about what his brother had done. Finn was right- he didn't want the Glee club to know the truth. He hadn't even told his dad. It was humiliating enough as it was. Kurt sighed. He had originally planned to say a lot more to Blaine at their picknick. He had composed this little speech about trust and honesty, and the song he had prepared about wanting Blaine back into his life was supposed to have several disclaimers and a lot of fine print. He had wanted to tell Blaine he was no longer the inexperienced boy from Lima with his first boyfriend. He was in command of himself, knew what he wanted and what he didn't want. But the moment they had started talking, Blaine steered the ship. Kurt had tried to bring up the subject of their break-up, but Blaine hadn't wanted to listen. He made it sound like Kurt was only saying it to hurt him, and that was the last thing Kurt wanted. Suddenly, he couldn't tell Blaine about Adam any more, and the way he felt when he was with him. He couldn't explain what he had learned; about them as a couple, about himself. It hurt, because he used to feel like he could talk to Blaine about everything. But if he was completely honest to himself, that feeling already stopped long before the break-up.

Anyway, you two seemed pretty tight at Mr Schue's almost-wedding, so maybe I'm wrong. You did sound a lot happier on the phone last time I talked to you :-)

A tear drop made its way down Kurt's face. The last time they had talked was shortly after the snow storm in New York, and the happiness Finn had heard in his voice had a lot more to do with Adam staying over than with his friends-with-benefits Valentines' Day hook-up with Blaine. Kurt brushed a hand over his face angrily, not wanting to think about all of that. He read on.

But you have helped me a bunch of times and always had smart things to say, so just in case, I'm gonna try and be your big bro now, ok?

When I proposed to Rachel, you told me I shouldn't give up on myself. So don't do that either. We're not in highschool anymore. You don't need to date someone popular to matter. You've got NYADA, you've got Voge (sp? idk), and you're super-special, dude. You matter if you are with Blaine or not.

Kurt could not stop the flood of tears streaming down his face now. For some reason, Finn always had this way of getting down to the heart of things. There were a few lines left of Finn's email, and Kurt quickly dried his eyes and blew his nose so he could read the rest.

You also said I should not hold Rachel's purse, I don't really remember why. I know there are guy-purses but Blaine doesn't have one of those I think. Anyway, I know how you care about your bags matching your shoes or something so don't carry his stuff if you're not comfortable with it, ok? And if you're not sure he's the one, don't marry him yet. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other gay guys in New York since you can get married there and everything.

I hope I don't forget to send this later, my laptop is offline right now b.c. Puck is using all the bandwidth to play some online zombie shooter game. See u soon Kurt!

Finn.

Kurt sat back and stared at the screen until the lines blurred before his eyes. For a moment, it felt like having Finn back with him. He wasn't sure how to feel knowing that one of the last things his brother had done was reach out to him and tell him how special he was. Kurt choked up again, and didn't even try to stop the tears this time. Why hadn't his father said these things to him when he drove Kurt to Blaine's proposal? How come Finn, whom he had seen only two or three times since that night in New York, understood how he felt better than his friends and room mates? Kurt looked at his ring again and slipped it off his finger to read the inscription again. (Finn was right, Blaine had really been pretty sure of himself, because personalised jewellery was unreturnable). Blaine & Kurt 4ever. Kurt put it down next to him on the bed covers and focused on the laptop again.

He hesitated for a moment, and then clicked 'send'. No longer stuck in drafts, the email program closed. Finn's desktop, a picture of the Glee club at Nationals, appeared. Kurt nodded briefly at the picture of a widely beaming Finn and then closed the laptop. He slid it into its case, lay down on the bed and hugged it until it went cold. He didn't notice how Blaine's ring had rolled off the sheets and under his bed until several days later.

A/N: I wrote this for myself, because I had a hard time coping with the things Klainers were saying about how Finn 'would have been so happy for Kurt' after the proposal. I also wanted to show how strong Kurt is when he's with others, but also how sad he is when he thinks no one notices. I sincerely hope I got Finn's voice halfway right- I've never had him speak so much in my fics.