A/N: Alas, this is what happened when a soap enter your eyes, watch 50 First Dates, read an amazing fic (Variable Meanings by LA on LJ) and is inspired by said amazing fic. You just have the sudden urge to slam your head on the walls and thus this fic is born.
Warnings: Not-beta, grammatical errors, cliché-ness, OC!Son, and author.
Based on true event that happened to Clive Wearing. Everyone knows him, right? Right.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary with a white coat woman hovering over him.
She scribbles something on her note.
"What's going on?"
She looks up to meet his eyes, "You hurt your head. Bad."
"Oh."
He drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary and the curtains are shut tight but there's no light filtering through. Must be night.
"Eren," He cranes his neck to find the source of the voice. He blinks when he sees Mikasa. She's sitting on a chair next to his bed.
"What's going on?"
Her smile is restrained. "You fought and hurt yourself. I was worried."
"Oh."
He drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary. He feels a presence nearby so he shifts his neck to his side.
He sees a young woman in white coat just about to leave the room. So he asks quickly,
"What's going on?"
She stops in her track and looks at him. "You hurt yourself. I told you before, remember?" She looks confused at his question.
What? No. This is the first time he meets her and he hasn't asked the question before. He thinks and then,
"Oh."
He drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary.
He feels something drape over him so he looks beside him and a woman in white coat is putting a sheet up to his waist.
She notices him.
"What's going on?"
She looks troubled. "I can't really tell yet."
"Oh."
He drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary. The light is warmth and bright. He feels the breeze wisps through the swaying curtains.
He looks at his feet. Armin is sitting on the edge of his bed. The Strategist must have felt him stir because he tilts up to meet his gaze.
Armin smiles.
"What's going on?"
Armin blinks. His brows knit together. "That's what I'm trying to figure out. I'll tell you the next time you wake up, Kay?"
"Oh."
He drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary. There are people talking. He tries to listen.
"It's the damage from the last battle. He has retrograde amnesia." - a woman's voice.
"Is it curable? Can he still function? Can he still fight?" - a man's voice... Is it Commander Erwin's?
"Erwin." -accusing tone and void of emotions. It's corporal Levi.
Eren smiles. The same flutter in his chest intensified whenever Levi is near him.
"No, Levi. He's humanity's last hope. He has to fight. Eren needs to. We need him."
"Not like this. He's been repeating the same action for the past days for nearly-" the woman stops for a second before she continues, "-nearly hundreds of times and he doesn't remember any of it."
What? He must have said it out loud because all eyes are now on him.
"What's going on?"
Surprisingly, it's the former thug who answers him.
"We tell you the next time you wake up."
"Oh."
He drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary. He hears a tiny sob. He observes around and there's Mikasa, sitting on a chair next to him, her hand intertwines with his.
"What's going on?"
She doesn't look at him. She just replies quietly. "That's the seventh time you asked me."
"Oh."
"Eren I-"
He drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary.
"Eren."
Eren searches the voice. He lets out a genuine smile once he sees him. Levi is leaning on the doorway with his arms on his chest.
"What's going on?"
Levi comes in and takes a seat on the empty chair.
"I'll tell you the same thing I told you before; you're screwed." He wants to tell him that no- he hasn't told him anything previously.
Levi beats him to it. "You're not healing. They don't think you can. You able to regrow every body part but you can't even fix your brain. I guess that's only logical."
Eren doesn't understand what he's trying to say to him.
Levi gazes at him. There's no warmth in his eyes but Eren takes the smallest twitch on the corner of Levi's lips as concern.
Anything he can get to appease his silly, little crush on the man.
"Oh."
Levi stands up.
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary.
"He's awake! Hey hey, he's awake!"
"Quiet, Sasha. You'll wake up the patients. Even when they're rooms away..."
"Eren?"
He looks up. There are Jean, Sasha and Connie flooding the room like they belong there.
"What's going on?"
Sasha leans forward with a huge grin on her face. "Oh, that's what you asked the last time and the other last time and the other other other last time too. I brought you food again." She shoves a handmade sandwich in his face.
"Don't tell anyone. I'm not supposed to do this. But you don't seem to mind."
"Of course he doesn't mind. In the end, the only think he'll say is-"
"Oh."
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary. He catches the sight of Hanji sitting on the floor.
What's going on, he thinks.
There's a chair there so...why? He almost shrugs. He can't really tell what she's thinking.
"I'm sorry, Eren." He hears her murmur. She doesn't seem to notice him staring at her. "I study many stuff, from legal to illegal, and yet I can't do a single thing to help you."
She quiets down. "Mikasa came to me for my help. She really has a deep feeling for you."
Eren blinks. Of course, they're adopted siblings after all.
Then Hanji smiles.
"Levi came too. I guess he has a deep feeling for you too?"
Oh
He drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an infirmary.
He's-
"Here." A book thrusts at his chest. Eren blinks and cranes up. Corporal Levi?
"What's going on?"
"It's clear that you won't ever get better, that you will live in a constant loop. We'll have to make do in the war against the titans without you. But..." He puts the book on the bed.
"To live like this, that's a fate I won't hope to befall on anyone. That's why, whenever you wake up and you see this book, write something down. At least it's a proof you're still part of the world."
"Oh."
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an unfamiliar room.
"What's going on?"
He stirs on the bed. He stirs, stirs and stirs until his eyes fall on a book on the stand next to his bed.
He reaches out and opens the book. Inside, there's a quill (as if it's been used countless times) stacked (he just notices the bottle of ink on the same stand) and only when he reads the first page that he realizes it's a journal.
His journal. His handwriting.
What's the date?
Did something happen? Can't even figure out why everyone's being strange and why my body feels stiff. It's not like I haven't moved my legs for months, right? Right.
What's the date?
It's my journal? So weird. I don't remember having this.
What's the date?
Someone's been copying my handwriting.
What's the date?
Jean is probably pulling a prank on me. Copying my handwriting and putting pointless subjects on this book.
Eren is about to read the next page when a small paper slips. He barely catches it and reads the content.
'If you read this, just write something on the damn book'
Eren blinks. He complies.
What's the date?
I'm scared.
He closes it and puts the book back on the stand. He lies on his back, looking at the ceiling, counting the spots on it.
Eleven dirty spots.
"Oh..."
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an unfamiliar room.
A mass of dark hair tickles his neck and Eren stops. Someone is lying down next to him with their head on his chest.
He looks down.
It's Levi, with his arms wrap around Eren's midsection.
What. The. Heck?
Why is... Eren is about to wake up the other up when he notices Levi's hair tied in a pony knot. His hair is longer.
What?
"What's going on?"
Levi huffs. He stretches and snuggles closer. Eren is not familiar with this closeness nor does he welcome it. He has a crush on the corporal, maybe he loves him even but this isn't...
"Eren." Levi says. His voice curt and plain. "Stop thinking. I can hear the gears in your head moving."
What's happening? Why are they lying together? Where are Armin and Mikasa?
"It's been two years, Eren. We're still in a war. We may be winning. We may be losing. I can't tell anymore."
What? What? What?
He's scared and confused. What kind of test is this?
"I want to say I love you but you'll forget it anyway. Whatever."
"Oh."
"I'll say it anyway-"
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an unfamiliar room.
He sees a book next to his pillow. It smells new and well, it does look new too. Eren takes and opens it. A small note falls from the many pages. Eren flips and read the scribbled words.
'If you read this, make sure to write something. No excuses'
What's going on, he wonders.
Eren follows the order. He picks up a quill and smears it in the already prepared ink bottle. The first page is blank but he starts on the fourth page.
Date and day?
I guess I hurt myself yesterday. My head feels heavy. And where the heck are Mikasa and Armin? They usually visit me first...
Eren looks up from over the book before he writes down again.
I'm scared. Something's not right.
He puts the book down.
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an unfamiliar room.
He feels a kiss on his neck and he looks down. It's Levi. He tightens his arm around the man's smaller torso. Levi blinks in obvious confusion at him, as if he's expecting many things but this simplest gesture.
Eren doesn't know anymore. His consciousness is jumbled with questions but his body is familiar with the way Levi is tucked against him.
He just follows what he sees as the best option.
"You remember?" Hopeful, not like the Levi he used to know.
Eren smiles a weak smile. His throat feels raw when he talks. "I don't know what to remember anymore. I'm here but at the same time, I'm not. I know you but sometimes you're fading. Sometimes you're here and I love you when I think I'm dreaming. Sometimes I'm a wrecked and I don't know anything anymore. I remember you, but I don't really know."
Eren scrunches his nose. "Are we together?"
"Yes, you stayed up long enough once to confess. I accepted, as expected. Everyone visited you, every day. Ackerman, Springer, Arlet, and Braus-...Ackerman is married. Though she doesn't go by that surname anymore. It's Kirschtein now. A marriage in the midst of war."
Eren blinks and stares at his supposed lover. "When?"
"A year ago. You were there. A small gathering, but you were there."
"Is she happy?"
"She visits every day, Eren."
"Yes, is she happy?"
Levi is quite for a moment. "She smiles a lot around him. So yes, she's utmost happy."
"Armin?"
"That boy is becoming a legend with that brain of his."
Eren laughs full-heartedly.
Quite.
Silence.
"What's wrong with me?"
"Amnesia."
"For how long?"
"Six years now."
"Oh."
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's sitting on a wooden chair at outside what appears to be a small backyard.
A small boy is crouching on his knees in front. When Eren meets the boy's bluest eyes (They're beautiful blue. Like a sky reflected on a sea like in one of the books Armin used to show him), the boy chirps at him.
"I've been waiting for you to wake up today!" The boy turns around at the approaching figure. Eren squints his eyes.
"Daddy, you were right! Papa really wakes up."
Daddy? Papa?
Eren lifts his head once the figure is standing in front of him and next to the boy. It's Levi.
Tied in a ponytail, his hair reached his neck. His form is leaner and a tad taller now. The white tunic and dark pants make him appear less threatening than his common stoic and cold facade.
It's like the world is cracking in bits when Levi actually smiles at him. A genuine smile, not the plotting smile.
Eren blinks.
"What's going on?"
"Fuyuki wants to show you his new kitten."
Who? Eren looks at the boy. Oh, must be him.
"Look, papa-
Eren's eyes narrow at the word.
Levi's hand flies to the boy shoulder at his gloom expression.
"-I picked him up on my way from the market!" Fuyuki shows the cradled kitten in his arms at him. "You remember when you told me that you like cats too, papa? I-"
You remember you remember you remember
Eren's eyes downcast. He feels choked and drowned. His heart is being hammered by invisible steel and when he looks up to really observes the boy (and Levi) - he knows there's nothing in this world that he'll ever value more than them.
But he doesn't know them well. He doesn't know anything about the boy. He doesn't understand the tightness gnawing at his chest.
He gazes at the boy, "I don't know you."
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's in an unfamiliar room.
There's a small mirror on the end table not far from his bed. He's overwhelmed with the need to make sure of something so he reaches or and palms the round object.
He looks at the man reflected on the mirror. There are age details on his face, a tint of grey hair on his scalp, his lips are chapped and as Eren's shaky fingers run across his face in demur - he's finally filled with so much anger.
He screams and throws the mirror to the walls.
There are hastened footsteps approaching.
Eren tries to move but his legs are heavy and he ends up sprawling on the ground with his nails digging on the wooden floor, trying to crawl his way out from the room.
"Eren!"
He looks up and-...it's, the face changed but he knows that look anywhere. Mikasa. Someone's standing behind her and when Mikasa moves, he sees him; Armin. He's…he's changed too. He's changed a lot.
"What's going on?!"
Then another person enters the room. A teenage boy with the bluest eyes he's ever seen.
"Father-"
"Eren, don't move! You'll hurt yourself-"
"Eren-"
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a couch in an unfamiliar room. His body feels weak and restless.
And-
"Hey."
Eren looks at his side. An old man he's never seen before is sitting next to him, by his side as if he always belongs there. The stranger has his hand on his knee.
"You remember the first time you confessed to me?"
"No."
"You remember the first time you said you'll love me forever?"
"No."
"You remember the day we exchanged vows?"
"No."
"You remember the first time I cried?"
"No."
"You remember the first day I adopted our son into our life?"
"No."
"You remember forgetting me again and again?"
"No."
"You remember me?"
"No, but I think I know your voice."
The man smiles. "I'm glad." He leans into Eren's personal space and gives him a quick kiss.
"Let's meet again, one day. Somewhere. Where I'm not forgettable. Make sure you catch up to me."
"Okay," Eren says, "Okay, I'll catch up to you. So wait for me."
Eren drifts away.
X
Eren's eyes snap open.
He remembers his mother's death. He remembers his father's teary eyes. He remembers Mikasa. He remembers Armin. He remembers becoming a soldier. He remembers they're in a war. He remembers the titans. He remembers he can shift into one.
He remembers his commanding officer.
He looks around. He's on a bed in an unfamiliar room.
"Father."
He turns slowly. A young adult stands there with the bluest eyes he's ever seen. His frame is lean and small but he gives the vibe that you can trust him with your life. Eren thinks the stranger's eyes are too big for his thin face.
"Hello," Eren smiles at him.
The man smiles back. "Hello to you too." He bows down to Eren's level and kisses his forehead. "We won, father."
He gives one last glance at the boy. Eren's eyes are languidly drooping. "I think maybe I remember you."
The man nods once. "No. No, you don't." But there's no hurt in his voice. Just acceptance.
Eren has this peaceful feeling that this will be the last time. No more of the endless loop that he's unaware of for years and years. No more being left behind and leaving someone in return.
Besides, he doesn't remember it, but he has a hunch he needs to catch up to someone.
Eren drifts away.
X
X_X
Written by Wookie