Chapter 43

"Zoe?" Joe questioned quietly as he knocked on the door but Zoe didn't reply. Maybe she's used the upstairs one, he thought to himself as he wandered up the stairs to check the main bathroom but she wasn't there either. Hurrying back down, he knocked on the bathroom again after briefly checking the study. "Zoe, I'm coming in if you don't answer me," he warned, so he entered after there was no response. He saw her sat on the floor facing the loo, slumped against the wall with her eyes closed. His heart pounded as he rushed over to her and knelt down, he didn't know what to think. Shaking her by the shoulder as he called out, she opened her eyes and looked over to him, surprised. He was just as shocked as she, he thought she'd fainted, but it seemed she had literally dozed off. She does sleep in the weirdest of places, he thought to himself while he noticed how pale she was.

"Zoe, you had me worried," he sighed with relief as he took her hands and pulled her up but she quickly let go of him and knelt over the toilet again to retch. "Are you feeling unwell?" he questioned but she just shook her head as she pushed him away. "Zoe, you clearly are, would you like me to take you to see the Doctor?" he questioned but she just shook her head and sat back again. "I'll get you some water," he said as he got up and hurried out to grab a glass of water. He hurried back and helped her up after she felt marginally better. "What's wrong?" he questioned her but she just shrugged and let go of him and walked through to the living room. She slumped down next to Horatio and put her head back on the sofa.

"We should be off soon, Handsome," she said softly and he nodded at her with a contented smile. Joe could see that Horatio hadn't noticed that Zoe was feeling unwell, it was almost impossible to miss it; she was pale, she looked deflated her cheekbones seemed to be more pronounced. It was probably because he was so preoccupied with the girls and Horatio. No doubt she's put the girls and Horatio first before looking after herself, Joe thought to himself as he wandered over to the table to pick up the girls bag. Zoe slowly got up and lifted Ella into her arms before turning to Joe while Horatio stood himself, trying not to wake Isobel.

"Thank you so much, Joe," she said softly as she picked up the bag and then kissed him on the cheek. He smiled at her, but wanted to do more for her, she looked like she needed more rest, he had no idea that she'd spent the night pursuing Horatio's attacker either, he'd probably be pretty annoyed with her too if he did know.

"Zoe, why don't I have the girls again tonight, you could both do with another night off," he said softly and she smiled but she couldn't bear to be away from her babies for another night. She shook her head and gestured to Horatio that they'd be leaving.

"Thank you, Joe, but we missed them. We've had a rest now, this is what parenthood is, it's tiring, but worth it," she said softly as Horatio walked past her towards the door after shaking Joe's hand. Joe nodded at her but still didn't like the idea of her going home looking so unwell, he was sure that she'd caught the infection that Isobel had too. Nodding, Joe opened the door for them and kissed both babies foreheads before they exited.

"If you both need a hand, I'm happy to help out," Joe said softly as he took on the porch and watched them put the babies in their car seats. They smiled at him, but Zoe could feel the nausea returning as she bucked the baby in safely.

I don't know if I can drive… Horatio can't drive at the moment, I wouldn't feel safe with either of us driving with the girls in the car, she thought to herself as she leant on the car door. She could feel her hands trembling while her legs turned to jelly. Joe quickly hurried over to her, as Horatio hadn't noticed Zoe's illness. He took one of her hands and supported her, sure that she'd caught the infection.

"I'll drive you home, okay? No arguments," he said firmly while Horatio climbed into the front passenger seat and peered back to see Zoe nodding at Joe before he helped her into the back of the car to sit between the babies.

"Joe's going to drive us home, Horatio, I'm too tired and I don't want to put us in danger," she said softly as she sat forwards and placed her hand on his arm. But she saw the anxiety in his eyes as he shook his head while Joe locked his house up. "Don't worry, Joe's a good driver, he's definitely safer than I am at the moment, and you can't drive yet. I'm sorry Horatio, but we'll be home in a couple of minutes," she said softly before she sat back and buckled herself up as Joe climbed into the driver seat and gave Horatio a warm, reassuring smile before he pulled off the drive and slowly drove them home.

Pulling up on the drive, Joe and Horatio glanced back to see Zoe asleep again on the backseat. Horatio woke her after Joe handed him the car keys and allowed him to sort out Ella while Zoe sorted Isobel. They locked the car up and walked in, with Joe following, Zoe had offered him a coffee seeing as he'd helped them home when she was feeling a little under the weather. Horatio sat in the living room with the girls, with Ella playing like usual and Isobel resting on him. Joe walked out into the kitchen after he was sure Horatio was okay with the twins and saw Zoe's trembling hands and took the boiling kettle from her.

"Zoe, what's going on?" he asked quietly as she stepped back and sat down on one of the stools. He made the drinks and turned back to her with an intense frown, he was becoming deeply concerned about her, she wasn't herself, she was definitely hiding something from him.

"I've just got Isobel's bug, and I've not had much sleep these past few weeks, I'll be right as rain again soon," she said as she took her mug and Horatio's from the side. "Thank you," she said softly before walking through to the living room and placing their mugs on the coffee table, she was clearly trying to dismiss Joe from asking anymore questions, which had him more suspicious.

"Are you okay Handsome, do you want a snack?" she asked softly as she lightly pushed his fringe from his forehead but he shook his head and looked up at her warmly. She slowly sat back down again and placed her hand over Horatio's thigh with her mug of coffee in her other hand.

"Is there anything I can do, Zoe? Do you want any tablets?" Joe asked as he sat forwards, conscious of Zoe's deteriorating health. Horatio looked to Joe and then to Zoe with a frown, he was very confused but she just smiled at him.

"I'm feeling a little run down, Handsome, nothing to worry about," she explained to which he nodded, believing her before focusing back on his daughters, usually he'd be just as pressuring as Joe, probably more so, but he'd have much more luck in getting Zoe to do what he wanted.

"How about I just get you something to eat?" Joe asked but Zoe shook her head with a kind smile.

"It's nothing a nap won't deal with," she assured him as she placed her mug back on the coffee table and then got up to get Ella a snack, but her hands were so shaky that she was rather clumsy and had got her top dirty. As she handed the snack to her when the doorbell rang so she got up and walked over to answer it. Forcing a smile, she saw Alexx at the door and greeted her warmly, but Alexx immediately knew Zoe was unwell, she was a Doctor, trained to see illness.

"Zoe, are you okay?" she asked as she placed her hand on her shoulder but Zoe stepped back further and nodded. Alexx stood at the door, looking Zoe up and down, she looked like she was going to drop to the floor, but she maintained her usual character.

"Everyone's in the living room, would you like a drink?" she asked warmly but Alexx shook her head, too concerned about Zoe to think of anything else.

Zoe turned to walk through, but Alexx took her arm to prevent her from walking back, keeping them by the front door after she closed it. "Zoe, you look very unwell, you're not okay," she said quietly but Zoe just shrugged it off. Alexx knew Zoe too well, she'd shrug anything off, as would Horatio.

"I've just not had too much sleep. Joe had the girls last night, to give us a night off, but I couldn't sleep because they weren't here, ironic, huh? I think I've just got Isobel's bug," she smiled before she walked back into living room with Alexx following closely.

"Hi," she greeted everyone but her eyes trained back on Zoe once more, she wasn't going to let it go. Joe nodded at her with a smile, but Alexx could see that he was concerned too, whilst Horatio seemed fine. Horatio even nodded at her too, acknowledging her, which she was very happy about, she could see a definite improvement in him. It was noticeable in the way he interacted with the girls, with Zoe and with everyone around him, he wasn't so closed off, he looked like he was starting to make improvements.

"I'll be right back, just going to put on a clean top and get a cardigan or something," Zoe stood up as she shivered slightly, she seemed as though she were cold, but the temperature was normal in the house. Alarm bells went off in Joe's mind as he looked towards Alexx, both knew something really wasn't right.

"Zoe, it's not cold, baby. You must be coming down with something," Alexx said as she looked towards her but Zoe shrugged again but moved away from her when Alexx reached out to touch Zoe's forehead to see if she had a temperature.

"I'll pop to the Doctors tomorrow then, I'm not surprised, Isobel has been unwell one of us was bound to get it," she said as she walked out and upstairs as Joe picked Ella up off the floor when she crawled over to him and then over onto Horatio's lap where Isobel was asleep snuggled up on his belly and chest. Both Alexx and Joe looked at each other, silently exchanging words again before looking over to Horatio.

"Horatio, do you know what's wrong with Zoe?" Alexx asked but he shook his head at her before focusing back on his daughters with an affectionate smile, he was absolutely smitten with them again. Sighing, Alexx knew that he wasn't back to his old self because he wasn't too bothered by their concern for Zoe, and wasn't concerned himself.

"She was sick earlier, I think, she was definitely retching," Joe chimed in and Alexx nodded as she stood up and walked out, she'd realised that Zoe had been wearing very loose clothing, almost as if she were trying to hide herself, she always wore skinny jeans or leggings with a nice top, but lately she'd just been wearing her jogging bottoms and long sleeved jumpers or thick tops.

"Zoe, Baby," Alexx warned as she approached the bedroom door, it was wide open and as she peered in, expecting Zoe to be in the bathroom, she saw Zoe pulling off her top. With wide eyes Zoe glanced back to Alexx and scrambled over the bed to grab the thick hoody she was about to put on. Alexx swallowed when she saw the state of Zoe's body – she was skin and bone, there was nothing to her, not like usual. "Zoe," she sighed empathetically as Zoe pulled the jumper on and turned to Alexx.

"I'm fine Alexx," Zoe said firmly as she walked out of the bedroom, past the M.E. and down the stairs. Alexx was unsure what to do, she knew just how stubborn Zoe was, but she was neglecting herself. It certainly looked that way.

"Zoe," Alexx called quietly but firmly as she hurried down the stairs after her, catching Joe's attention who wandered out of the living room and towards them as they looked at each other at the bottom of the stairs. "Zoe, this is serious, you can't go on like this, no-wonder you're so run down," Alexx said softly as she put her hand on Zoe's shoulder. She could feel her collar bone protruding, the magnitude of Zoe's weight loss was astounding, Alexx couldn't believe it had gone unnoticed, it's not the worst she's seen Zoe at due to her long hospital stay where she'd lost a lot of weight, but this was unnatural, she shouldn't be that skinny.

"What's going on?" Joe questioned and Zoe looked at him and swallowed, she knew he'd find out but she didn't want him to. She knew they'd force help on her or something along those lines, she just wanted to be allowed to get on with taking care of her family.

"Nothing," Zoe hissed as she looked back to Alexx as she placed her hand near her abdomen.

"Are you pregnant?" he questioned quietly and Zoe frowned at him, stunned at how he'd come to that question. "Zoe, you can talk to me," he assured her and Alexx was starting to wonder the same thing, she knew that they had been trying for another baby.

"No… I don't know, I don't think so I've not checked. Nothing is wrong, I'm just tired and I've got Belle's infection," she tried to dismiss them but they both frowned at her, she knew she wasn't getting away so easily. Joe reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder but also felt her collarbone and the bones in her shoulder. He removed his hand and looked her up and down, suddenly it all clicked in his head.

"Have you been starving yourself again?" He questioned but Zoe just scowled up at him, he saw the fire light up in her eyes and knew that their conversation wasn't going to end with hugs. "Zoe?" He pressed her to answer him and she shook her head with a scowl.

"I've been too busy," she explained as she looked up at him.

"Too busy to eat? Why didn't you tell me? You promised me you'd never do this to yourself again!" He was clearly very stressed as Alexx frowned at her. Joe was just afraid of the ramifications, he remembered the last time she relapsed after her Aunt and Uncle were killed so clearly, it took months for her to recover, he didn't want to have to see her go through that again.

"Anorexia?" Alexx questioned but Zoe shook her head as Joe nodded, she chose to believe Joe over Zoe, she could hardly be surprised that Zoe had battled the disorder first since she had had a peak into her childhood and knew that a lot of death had followed her.

"No! I've been busy, I've been eating but I've been doing so much that I've lost weight, I've not starved myself. I've been eating when and where I can. I want you both to leave," she felt her agitation beginning to rise, she was afraid and angry they wouldn't believe her, she knew they wouldn't.

"No, I'm not taking any excuses this time–" Joe stepped forwards, it was clear he was deeply concerned about her but Zoe cut him off.

"It's not an excuse, now leave, please. Alexx I don't have anorexia, Joe's making this up," she denied it as she took a step back from them, but Alexx believed Joe, especially with the way Zoe was acting now.

"Zoe, there's no shame in this, we can help you," Alexx said softly.

"I can't believe this is happening! Joe, that was my past and I don't appreciate you bringing it up now!" she began to get a little stressed as she glared at him. "I've eaten with the girls, granted it's not been much, definitely not as much as I should be eating, but I don't have the time at the moment, especially with Isobel being unwell on top of everything else." She looked at their untrusting expressions and sighed.

"Zoe, I'm a Doctor, I understand that this isn't your fault, but we can help you. Zoe, if you're pregnant this could be very harmful to the foetus." Alexx explained softly which only infuriated Zoe more so.

"I don't care if you're a Doctor, that was my past and it was private. I doubt I'm pregnant, I'd just know," she scowled more so at Joe and he swallowed and looked guilty just as Horatio wandered out having heard the commotion. He began to frown at Alexx and Joe, he could see that they'd upset Zoe and so moved to stand by her side.

"Nothing to worry about, Horatio, it's just a small disagreement. Could you keep an eye on Ella, please?" Zoe asked softly as she placed her hand on his back with a small smile but he shook his head and looked back towards Alexx and Joe, they could both see the dark expression on his face. Alexx knew that Horatio wasn't one to be messed with at the best of times, and messing with Zoe meant messing with him.

"Horatio, we're not a threat," Alexx said softly as he gently pulled Zoe closer towards him.

"Then why are you both stressing Zoe out?" He questioned them intensely.

"Can't you see, Horatio? Zoe's relapsed. She can't weigh more than 7 stone at the most. I get that you're unwell, but surely you've noticed her not eating and her weight loss?! You share a bed with her, you can't not notice her weight loss, surely?" Joe couldn't keep his mouth shut anymore. Horatio looked down to Zoe as if to ask her if it were true. He looked back and realised that she hadn't been wearing her small tops and shorts to bed anymore, she sore long pj trousers and t-shirts.

"I've not relapsed, how many times do I have to tell you?! Horatio, you have to believe me; I've just been busy. I've not eaten much as I've been rushed off my feet, but I have been eating. I haven't been intentionally not eating, I've just burnt more calories than I've eaten because Isobel has been unwell. What can I do to show you I've not let myself slip? This is what looking after a sick baby 24 hours a day, living off coffee and the food you can quickly eat all while looking after another baby too!" She looked up at Horatio. He thought back, he did realise that he hadn't seen her eat and she always had an excuse, and even he couldn't deny the weight loss, he'd barely seen her body in the last few weeks as she'd covered herself, which wasn't like her at all. He frowned at her, unsure to believe her or not. She felt like crying when she saw that Horatio didn't entirely believe her either.

"Watch then," she stormed back into the kitchen and pulled out a bar of chocolate to eat that, then pulled out another. "If I'd relapsed I couldn't even think about eating this," she ripped the wrapper open on the next bar and glared at them. "Are you happy now? I have two babies, I wouldn't allow myself to slip that far; how could I look after them I ended up in hospital or so unwell that I can't get out of bed. Yes, I'm not all that well now, but you go and find a mother of twins, with one unwell baby who feels like sunshine dust and daisies. I've had about 5 hours sleep this week, no bloody wonder why I'm feeling a bit shit. I get that you're trying to help, but when I tell you I'm okay, I'm okay. I wouldn't jeopardise the care of my babies for my stubbornness. You all need to realise that I'm not a child, I can look after myself and I can look after my family. Alexx, you know better, you've had children, I bet you've been up days on end when they've been unwell, and I bet you lost weight because you can't leave their side. You're right Joe, I promised you I wouldn't and you know I don't break promises," They all remained silent, realising that she'd been telling them the truth, and that they'd probably just added a whole load more of stress onto her.

She had in fact been eating as much as she possibly could when she had the time, she couldn't sit down with Horatio and enjoy a meal because Isobel needed her, so she had to cook Horatio's dinner and tend to the poorly baby at once and try and get the baby to have some milk while keeping her cool as well as keeping an eye on Ella. Once they'd gone to bed, Horatio tended to get worse and more demanding because he was tiring out, so she didn't have a chance to eat then either and by the time they'd gone to bed, she was too tired to get anything to eat. She would eat with the girls and when she had a spare 5 minutes, she was genuinely trying her best to keep herself fed and healthy, but she knew full well that it wasn't good enough and knew that Joe would assume the worst.

"I think you'd both better leave," she grumbled as she put the chocolate bar down. "Don't you think you've gotten away with sharing my private past either, Joseph," she walked out and into the living room as Horatio turned to them with Isobel in his arms, he seemed peeved too. He should have trusted his judgement and believed her. Both of them sheepishly walked over to the living room to see Zoe sat on the floor entertaining Ella.

"Sorry, Baby, we're just concerned for you. We don't want to see you struggle," Alexx said softly. "I'm sorry, Zoe," Joe said softly she glanced back to them and nodded before giving Ella her attention again. Horatio showed them to the door, and said bye.

He walked back into the living room and sat down on the sofa whilst Isobel continued to sleep in his arms. "Zoe, are you okay, Sweetheart? You should have said something," he said softly.

"I'm alright, Horatio. Should have said what, Horatio? You've been unwell, Isobel has been unwell, it's my duty to take care of you all, you'd have done the same. I wouldn't change it, I'm a mother and a wife," she said softly, she knew she couldn't have spoken to Horatio as he had too much else to deal with, and he also didn't want to handle the babies for various reasons and he desperately needed rest. "Once Isobel gets better, I'll have more time to rest and eat," she said softly. He nodded at her as Zoe checked Ella's nappy. She knew she needed a change and that Isobel probably did too.

"Does Belle need a change?" she asked softly and Horatio checked before he nodded at her. "Could you please help me change them?" she asked as she pulled over two nappies and baby wipes. He didn't reply he just looked down at them as if he were afraid. She turned back to him and smiled warmly at him, she knew he was afraid of hurting them, but knew he needed to start somewhere to build up his confidence again. She gently took his hand and pulled him down to his knees beside her.

He laid Isobel down next to Ella as she began to wake up. "You're not going to hurt them," she assured him but he didn't seem too sure. She began to undress the bottom half of Ella and looked over to Horatio. "Just copy me handsome, I promise you that you're not going to hurt her. She might whinge a little but that's because she's groggy, okay? If you want, I can change Isobel and you change Ella?" she said softly but he shook his head as he reached down and undressed Isobel. "Well done," she praised him as she removed Ella's nappy and put it in the nappy bag and watched Horatio copy. "See," she said softly as she cleaned the baby up and put another nappy back on with Horatio following her moves. She allowed Ella to go back and play once she was changed and waited for Horatio to finish with Isobel. Once he was done, Isobel crawled over to her sister to begin playing.

"Well done, Handsome, I told you that you wouldn't hurt her. You did really well, I'm so proud of you," she said softly before she picked up the two nappy bags and watched Horatio nod at her before she walked out to put the nappy bags in the bin and wash her hands. He'd made another huge improvement.

Closing the back-gate behind them, Horatio looked towards the beach. Zoe had managed to convince him to take a small walk with them a few days later. He checked to make sure he had the gun in his holster and gripped it. He felt Zoe take hold of his hand and pull gently away from the gun, interlocking her fingers with his. "We'll be alright, Horatio," she assured him as she turned him and began to walk slowly. She could feel his muscles tensing as he looked around vigilantly. As they strolled along the promenade, they quietened down but Zoe knew he was afraid. He couldn't even look down to his daughters as they played with their toys happily because he was too preoccupied with scanning the surroundings. 10 minutes into the walk Horatio froze as his hand tightened around Zoe's. All his muscles tensed as he began to breathe deeply. Zoe put the break on the pushchair and turned to Horatio as she placed her hands on his waist. He quickly took the opportunity to take hold of his gun as he looked around with his heart pounding and his palms sweating from anxiety.

"Horatio," she called softly, she needed him to look at her if he were to believe her that they were all safe. "Horatio," she called again but he ignored her to look around. "Horatio, I need you to look at me," she asked him and he slowly drew his attention away from the surroundings and towards her. "Horatio, we are safe, you don't need to worry," she assured him but he shook his head, he was petrified, all manner of things ran through his head, of him and his family being harmed, of his torture. He nearly jumped out of his skin when a loud bang ripped through the air. He quickly drew his weapon and swallowed, fearing an imminent attack. But Zoe seemed to remain calm.