Author's Note: This sort of fiction doesn't seem to exist in this fandom yet, and I thought it would be nice to fill that niche. Consider this my testing of the waters to see if anyone's actually interested in AF spank!fics. They're pretty good in other fandoms, and I think they have a place here and it'd be great to see a few more of them. If you don't want to read a fanfic with spanking of a teenager in it, you should probably turn back now, because that's what it is. I'm afraid that I just can't give much credence to any reviews I receive arguing against the concept. You know full well what this story is about, and if that's not your cup of tea - you should look into other cups of tea. Those who remain: enjoy!

Artemis rolled out of bed and fell to the floor with a clunk. So much for feeling cool. None of the, admittedly considerable, sneaking he had done in his life could be compared to this. He was sneaking out of the Fowl Manor, in a remarkable imitation of the seventeen-year-old he was. Sneaking out had never been a problem for him before. He'd had no need to be clandestine when he was ten, and had enjoyed incredible autonomy for the years afterward with his parents incapacitated and the higher calling of saving the world justifying his absences. Now... He hadn't even asked his mother for permission to go to this party – he hadn't thought it necessary – simply stated that he would be going. Angeline Fowl had promptly vetoed the idea, since the other attendees were all in their early twenties, and Artemis wasn't even old enough to drink yet, not to mention that the party was taking place in a seedy pub in Dublin.

Normally, Artemis wouldn't even argue with his mother on this point – pub parties were not his usual style – but he had worked hard to make these friends, and he had the confounding desire to be normal for once. Making close enough friends to merit this invitation had been difficult enough, given that he was often unintentionally condescending toward people without his genius level mind, but he had found a group that didn't mind his personality, and with whom he almost felt he fit. It was a step in the right direction.

So, his mother had ruled out the party, but Artemis wouldn't be deterred. He'd told Butler about it, and stated that he would need a ride into Dublin. That conversation had not gone as expected. Butler had informed him that he agreed with Artemis's mother, and that the party would be an utter security nightmare. The final nail in the coffin of Artemis's plans for the night had been Butler's pre-existing irritation with him over skiving off self-defense practice again. He'd successfully dodged it all this week, and Butler's patience was wearing thin. He'd been reminded, in no uncertain terms, that Butler was actually employed by Artemis's parents, and that it was his job to take care of and protect Artemis before it was his job to follow his orders. Artemis had never been so alone or woefully under prepared in a scheme.

Still, if ordinary teenagers could sneak out without getting caught, it should be no trouble for someone with an intellect like that of Artemis Fowl. He had set a timer on the security cameras in the manor to play a loop for the next ten minutes so he could leave the house. He levered himself out of his undignified heap on the floor and dressed in his carefully calculated, semi-casual outfit. He couldn't bring himself to wear the ghastly "rebel" shirt his mother had bought him, but jeans with a button down would do, and he looked almost pedestrian. With all this prepared, he strolled out of the manor, stopping only to grab the keys to the Bentley on his way. It wasn't taken out terribly often, so no one was likely to notice a few extra kilometers on it.

Artemis had never actually learned to drive a car, but he could build and fly his own plane, how difficult could this be? He made it to Dublin with little incident, but ran into some trouble trying to parallel park in the crowded streets. Surely the scratches would not be noticed. The car was taken out so seldom...

He did his best impression of ease as he strolled into the pub, pretending in his mind that it was just a business meeting, rather than something far more nerve-wracking. Tom, a jovial twenty-year-old with a shock of blonde hair, came over to greet him at the door.

"Artemis! Glad you could make it mate! Lemme get you a drink." A pint of beer was pushed into Artemis's hands, and he bit back the impulse to ask for wine. That was not what normal people did.

"Thank you Tom, the party looks great." Speaking casually was more difficult than it seemed. Artemis downed a swig of the beer in hopes that it would loosen him up and make him feel less uncomfortable. If not, he'd just keep drinking until it did.

An hour later, Artemis was feeling incredibly uninhibited, and he'd actually managed to gather the attention and laughter of the group several times. One of the other fellows, Jack, was telling a story of his foray into parkour while the rest of the party listened with rapt attention. Artemis knew he could top that story, and his drunken mind saw no reason not to.

Let's jump to the story of LEPrecon officer Vecks Funge. Captain Funge had just finished a successful mission in France, and was returning to Tara shuttle port after completing the ritual. He had always been curious about the mud men, and could never resist flying shielded through their towns as he returned to Haven. Tonight, this bad habit would likely save several lives.

Funge was drifting through Dublin in the middle of the night, glancing through windows as he flew, when he saw some alarmingly familiar blue sparks.

"See, I told you I could! I'm the magic man!" Cried a voice that sounded far to young to be that drunk, and Vecks plastered himself to the window in shock. Inside, a pale mud boy with dark hair was weaving pictures in the air with what could only be fairy magic. Vecks recognized him – there wasn't a fairy under the world who wouldn't – but couldn't believe what he was seeing. Every (recent) account of Artemis Fowl painted him as wise beyond his years, and as a friend to the people. Why would he be endangering the secrecy of the people he'd fought so hard to protect?

"I need to talk to Commander Kelp" Captain Funge muttered into his comm. There was a shuffling and he heard the irritated voice of Trouble Kelp on the other end.

"Funge, I swear, if you managed to find trouble nosing around mud men-"

"Commander, I think there's a problem with Artemis Fowl, I'm patching through video now." The screen in Commander Kelp's office was suddenly filled with Artemis's drunken face, looking incredibly pleased with himself as he performed more "magic tricks" for his friends.

"D'Arvit! What is he doing?!"

"Commander, I think he's drunk"

"Of course he's drunk Funge!" Commander Kelp snapped. "Listen, this is what I want you to do: the good Fowl's done for the people gives him a second chance on this in my books, so the council can't find out, but we need to make sure this doesn't happen again. Do you see Butler anywhere?"

"No sir, and I don't think I could miss him. I think Fowl's alone."

"If only he were, Captain. You need to go in there, knock him out, mind wipe everyone else and wipe their electronics, then smuggle Fowl down to Police Plaza without anyone seeing him. Can you do that?"

"Yes sir, I'll call you when we're on our way down."

"Good, I'll see you soon Funge, and remember, keep this quiet."

When Artemis woke up, he was handcuffed to a table.

"No one saw you come in with him?"

"No sir, I kept him under the cam-foil the entire time."

"Alright Funge, good work. I'm going to call Butler to pick him up and have a few words with him. As far as anyone else is concerned, Fowl's here to consult with Foaly on some tech thing – just make something up. Make sure no one comes near interrogation room six."

"Yes sir, consider it done."

Trouble sighed, Funge was a great officer, but he could be an awful bootlicker sometimes, and the fact that he was on in on a cover-up like this, and that Trouble had to keep him in confidence, just made him feel even more special. Trouble retreated into his office to make the call. On his phone, his finger hovered over Butler's number, but he had a better idea. He had only met Angeline Fowl during her brief visits to Haven when she had come down to visit Artemis at the Argon Clinic, but she seemed like someone who Artemis respected. The more people were involved in making sure Artemis never pulled something like this again, the better. He dialed the Fowl Manor.

It was four o'clock in the morning when the phone rang in the manor. Angeline was the only one to answer the phone, as Butler was in the dojo getting his early morning work-out, and Artemis Senior had taken the twins (and Juliet) to Spain for the week. Her voice was bleary and sleep-addled when she answered the phone.

"Fowl Manor"

"Hello, is this Mrs. Fowl?"

"mmm... sorry- speaking."

"Mrs. Fowl, this is Commander Kelp with the Lower Elements Police." That woke Angeline up more quickly than anything else could have.

"Lower Elements-? Is my son alright? What's happened?"

"Ma'am, your son is fine, just sleeping it off, but he made some pretty awful decisions while he was out drinking tonight."

"Drinking? Out? Sleeping it off? I didn't even know he'd left! Is Butler with him?"

"No ma'am, he was on his own when my officer found him. I don't think he has much experience drinking – it's not something that magic users should be doing anyway as it can cause us to lose our magic. He was telling everyone at a pub that he was the "magic man" and demonstrating. I don't think I need to tell you how much danger he put the People in tonight, not to mention his own freedom. That kind of display is what gets people dragged off to secret government facilities, or so Foaly tells me."

Angeline felt like she might faint. "Is everything okay? Those people aren't going to tell anyone, are they?"

"No ma'am, my officer sedated Artemis, wiped everyone else's minds, and cleared their phones. They won't remember a thing. We just need Butler to come down and retrieve Artemis from Police Plaza."

"Of course, I'll send him right away. This won't happen again."

"See that it doesn't ma'am. The only reason Artemis isn't being sent to prison is because I'm keeping this from the Council. He deserves a chance to mess up, but if he does this again there won't be anything I can do. If the Council just revokes his surface privileges he'll be getting off easy."

"Thank you Commander Kelp. Butler will be down soon."

"There'll be a shuttle and a pilot waiting for him at Tara."

When Artemis woke up, he was handcuffed to a table. Normally, this wouldn't phase him, but right now his head felt like it was splitting open, and the bright lights weren't helping. Even sitting up was agony. He raised his hands as far up as the cuffs would allow, and brought his head down to meet them, massaging at his temples and willing his magic to heal the headache.

"That won't work." It was the voice of Trouble Kelp, but at the moment it sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Artemis stifled the urge to do something as undignified as whimper. "Magic can't heal hangovers, since it reacts badly to alcohol. Anyway, you're totally dry. You used it all up doing tricks for your friends, 'magic man.'"

"What?" Artemis croaked, still unable to bring himself to open his eyes. "I don't remember."

"No, you wouldn't, would you? You know, creatures with magic really shouldn't drink alcohol. It can cause you to lose it. Not that that'll matter for you much longer."

"What?" Artemis knew, somewhere in his mind, that this was an extremely abnormal conversation for him. He was usually the one spewing words while the other person struggled to keep up, but the pain in his head made it difficult to understand anything, much less thinly veiled feelings of foreboding.

Commander Kelp sighed, and Artemis could almost hear the age and regret in his voice. "Artemis, the Council won't be moved on this. You're being sent to Atlantis. No fairy, even one your age, can get away with less. You endangered the secrecy of the People, of magic. Who knows what you would have said if you'd been left there. The Council won't buy that you're just a kid. They've thought of you as adult since you kidnapped Captain Short, and they know what you're capable of. You're going to lose your magic, and be sent to the deeps."

Artemis was in shock. The part of him that wasn't curled up in pain was petrified. He couldn't go to the deeps. Half of the prisoners wanted him dead, and the other half wouldn't appreciate some mud boy hanging around. He may never see his family again. The rational part of him wanted to question when this sentence had been handed down, and whether he could appeal, but that part of him was so far back in his mind that he couldn't even access it. He was just a frightened teenager now.

"No... I can't..."

"I'm sorry Artemis, but you're going to be staying here for a few more hours until the transport arrives, then you're headed down. I suggest you use the time to rest, that hangover won't like the pressure change." Trouble felt somewhat guilty as he left for tricking a sick teenager, but he reminded himself that this scare would help Artemis never want to let this happen again, and he allowed himself to feel slightly proud for having tricked the infamous Artemis Fowl, even if it had likely only worked because he'd been hungover.

Alone in the interrogation room, Artemis groaned to himself, and fell into a fitful sleep with his head pillowed on his arms.

When Butler arrived hours later, Commander Kelp was waiting for him outside of the building. "Wipe the scowl off your face for now Butler. As far as anyone inside knows, Artemis is here consulting with Foaly on some new tech. You can't walk in looking so furious." When Butler had schooled his face into a more neutral expression, they began walking into the building. Butler stooped to clear the doorway, and kept his knees bent somewhat inside to avoid his head brushing the ceiling. "Wait in here." Commander Kelp said, and left Butler in his office while he went to retrieve Artemis.

Artemis looked up when he heard the door open, and his face took on a look of despair when he saw Commander Kelp again. "How are you feeling, Artemis?" He asked tersely.

"Better." was the subdued response.

"Are you ever going to drink that much again?"

Artemis's eyes narrowed, his mind was functioning much better now, and this whole situation seemed suspect. Still, he answered "no."

"Good, you're free to go." Commander Kelp unlocked Artemis's handcuffs, and began guiding him out of the room.

"So, I'm not going to the Deeps?" Artemis knew it was a foolish question, and that he could probably figure out the answer himself, but he still needed to make sure. He had just spent hours believing in a reality that likely didn't exist.

"No, but if the Council had caught wind of this, you would be." Trouble answered. "At the very least they would have demanded that you come live in Haven with no surface visa, and plenty of fairies have been sent to prison for revealing secrets while drunk on human liqueur. This can not happen again."

Artemis nodded, but froze in the doorway of Commander Kelp's office. Trouble had just opened the door for him, and Artemis wished he would close it again. Butler was stuffed into the tiny office, looking furious and disappointed at the same time. Butler crossed the space and quickly checked Artemis for injuries, placing a hand on his shoulder when he had finished and drawing him close to his side. The gesture, while outwardly comforting, was recognizable to Artemis as a strategy to keep him from bolting. Butler's thumb and forefinger settled casually on either side of Artemis's neck, giving Butler a sufficient grip on both shoulders should Artemis attempt an escape. Artemis considered voicing resentment for the lack of trust, but bit back the statement when he realized how ironic it would be after his escapades that night.

"Will his magic be alright Commander Kelp?" Butler was asking.

"He should be fine, my officer who found him has some medical training, and he checked him out. I don't think he actually had too terribly much to drink. He likely just has a low tolerance." Great, that was all Artemis needed, now he was a lightweight too.

"Thank you for keeping this quiet Commander Kelp, I know you didn't have to."

"After everything Artemis has done for the People, he deserves a freebie on one dumb choice. Stay out of trouble now Artemis." Artemis nodded numbly, still not having fully forgiven Commander Kelp for telling him he was going to prison, and for getting him in trouble with Butler.

"Thank Commander Kelp Artemis." Butler rumbled, and the squeeze to his shoulder reminded Artemis that he has in enough trouble right now to not be in charge, and that he should probably listen.

"Thank you Commander Kelp." He muttered, in his best approximation of actual gratitude, and Butler began steering him toward the door.

After a long, tense shuttle ride to Tara, Artemis found himself in the passenger seat of one of the other Fowl cars, and Butler pulled out his phone to send a text before starting to drive.

"Who was that to?" Artemis asked, dreading the answer.

"Your mother." Was the curt reply, and Artemis groaned and sank low in the seat. His mother would be impossible, and with her and Butler aligned against him, he didn't stand a chance. The rest of the ride passed in relative silence as Artemis devised countless possible escape plans and systematically ruled them all out as either certain to fail, or things that he couldn't bring himself to do to Butler or his mother. When they pulled up to the manor, Angeline was standing on the front steps looking more disappointed than he'd ever seen her. Even knowing how poorly it had gone the last time he'd tried it, Artemis would have mesmerized his mother again to avoid this if he'd had even a spark of magic left. As it was, he was left to step out of the car and fend for himself.

"Moth- Mum I-"

"Artemis, how could you?"

"Mum, it was a accident-"

"Oh, you accidentally snuck off to go to a party you weren't old enough for and that I told you not to go to? Or you accidentally got so drunk that you risked the existence of multiple sentient species?" Artemis trudged up the steps and into the door, his mother's hand finding its way to his back and guiding him to the living room, Butler following silently after. "Which one was the accident Arty?"

"The second one." Artemis muttered. Though he'd managed to get taller than his mother before the magic stopped his growth, he felt shorter than Mulch right now. "I'm really sorry." He tried.

"I know you are Arty," his mother sighed "but that doesn't make this any less serious. You could have gone to prison for this, or the human police could have arrested you for underage drinking, or the government could have whisked you off for testing if one of your "friends" had put this on the internet. You risked so much last night, and you snuck off without Butler. I'm going to let him handle your punishment, but you should know that you've lost your exemption from the camping trip next month. If Myles doesn't want to go, then it'll just be you, me, your father, and Becket – and Butler of course. No technology."

"Mother, please, be reasonable. You can't-"

"Arty, I'm well within my rights to make you go camping. Maybe you'll even enjoy it. I'll let you and Butler talk now."

"Mother, I wouldn't have been arrested for underage drinking. I'm technically twen-"

"Artemis, let's go to your room to talk about this." Butler interrupted, and Artemis had a fleeting memory of being six years old and hacking the lock on his father's gun safe to explore. Butler's response at the time had been shocking, but Artemis had an excellent memory, and he could see the tell-tale signs now. He'd managed to frustrate his bodyguard frequently over the past few years, but since the incident with the gun safe, he'd never been spanked. Likely since he'd had the backing of countless good reasons for his behavior. He didn't have a leg to stand on now. All he'd wanted was to fit in, and he doubted that would count. He briefly entertained the idea of bolting from the room, but immediately dismissed it as foolish. He couldn't even run a lap around the house, much less outrun Butler, and it'd only make things worse for him. So he rose from the couch and walked with heavy feet up to his room, Butler following in his wake.

"Butler, I'm seventeen years old."

"I know how old you are, Artemis. It doesn't change anything."

Artemis knew that they were on the same page. He knew that Butler knew that he would pick up easily on his bodyguard's plan. "I'm not six anymore, it wouldn't make any sense."

"I think it makes perfect sense, and the only reason I haven't spanked you since you were six is because you've had reasons I couldn't argue with for doing all the frustrating things you did. What's the brilliant reasoning behind this one?" Artemis muttered something while staring intently at the fourth grommet on Butler's left shoe. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

"I said I just wanted to fit in, alright? I know it's sickeningly pedestrian, but that's what I wanted. I'd made friends, human friends, and I just wanted to keep them."

"Artemis, you know that your mother and I are really glad that you want to be normal – you're wearing jeans right now, and that's great – but normal teenagers are told all the time that they can't hang out with their friends. Part of being normal is understanding that you can't always do what you want and – while this might be difficult for you – recognizing that sometimes other people know best. Your mother and I both told you that you shouldn't go to that party, and we gave plenty of good reasons not to. Commander Kelp reminded us all of another good one today: what if you'd lost your magic because of the alcohol?"

"You and I both know that's easily solved with the serum I created."

"We both know it worked for a sprite. You're not a sprite."

Artemis let out an exasperated sigh "Butler, this is absurd."

"No, it isn't, and Commander Kelp was right, this can't happen again." Butler pulled the chair out from Artemis's desk and sat down. "Come here."

"Are you seriously going to put me over your knee?" Artemis scoffed "Wouldn't you rather I go into the woods and cut a switch?"

"If you had any idea how much worse that would be, you wouldn't even be joking about it. Now come here and let's get this over with." Artemis's eyes darted to the door again, then back to his bodyguard. The rational part of him knew he had no chance, but another part was screaming to flee. Again, he cursed his drunk self for using up all of his magic. He could have just shielded and ran; that would have given him a definite edge, and he might have even gotten away. As it was, he was left to nervously shift his weight from one foot to the other a few times and force himself to walk over to Butler's side. Butler barely had to reach up from his seated position to pull Artemis onto his lap, and Artemis cursed his excellent memory for immediately summoning up the recollection of the last time he was here. Oddly enough, he didn't feel any larger in comparison to Butler's huge size, though he knew he'd grown.

Once he was settled, Butler had to steel himself to do this. That this was even happening spoke to the odd nature of their relationship. Bodyguards did not spank their principles – but their relationship was more than that. Even with Artemis Fowl Senior back in the picture, and trying his best to create a real family, Artemis had lacked a father for three years of his life, and prior to that had had only a cold, business-oriented imitation of one. Butler was the closest thing he had to a father, and even Artemis's mother knew that. That was why the task of spanking Artemis fell on his shoulders, rather than anyone else's. Still, it was not something he relished. He took a deep breath, raised his hand, and brought it down with measured force on Artemis's backside.

Artemis's breath hitched, and he lurched a little bit on Butler's lap, but otherwise he didn't react, and Butler knew he had gauged his strength correctly. He delivered another blow with a little more heft behind it, and Artemis jerked again. He set a steady rhythm, and began thoroughly covering his charge's rump with swats. After about ten more, Artemis began to squirm, and at roughly twenty he groaned, the sound cutting up to a high pitched whine as his changing voice cracked. As the squirming continued, Butler figured that the time was right to start talking while hopefully avoiding any blatant sarcasm from Artemis.

"Why are we doing this, Artemis?" He asked. Artemis was not fully distracted by the spanking, it seemed, as his answer held plenty of snark.

"Really, Butler? Really? Have I been a very bad boy?" Butler increased the strength and pace of the swats, and tried again.

"I can do this all day Artemis. Humor me and tell me why we're here. What decisions did you make that landed you in this position?"

Artemis had lost a little of his nerve as the spanking intensified, and he was finding it terribly difficult to keep calm. He had not cried in years, and he would not start now. In the interest of ending this before that undignified occurrence, he gave Butler the answer he was looking for. "I snuck out, went to the party, and got drunk."

"And how many of those things were illegal?"

"Technically, none of them. In the eyes of the law I'm already twenty years old. Or dead. I forget which." Butler increased the intensity a bit more, and Artemis let out a long, high whine and started squirming and kicking in earnest.

"Try again, do you have a driving license?"

"Fine, that was illegal."

"And let's not forget that you revealed your magic to humans."

"I was drunk!"

"That doesn't excuse it."

"Fine, that was illegal too. Are we done?"

"No. Because, regardless of what the law says, your mother and I know you're not twenty years old, and we told you not to go to that party. Your mother specifically didn't want you drinking. Do you know why that is?"

"Ow! Butler- No, I have no idea why. I'm a responsible adult, why shouldn't I drink?"

"Perhaps because, like any normal teenager, you make awful decisions when you're drunk. Or hadn't you noticed?"

Artemis's face felt hot, and he wasn't even aware of how much he was kicking anymore. All he wanted was for this to stop, because it felt awful, and now he felt guilty and foolish. "I didn't mean to drink so much. It was an accident! Can we please be done now?" The final words sounded uncomfortably like sobbing to Artemis's ears, and he tried to reign himself in. He'd suffered far worse pain in his life than a spanking, and he hadn't cried then. Why should this be different?

"We're almost done Artemis. You know it's okay to cry, right?"

Artemis sniffed, and took a deep breath "I'm not going to cry. I'm an adult."

"Of course Artemis." Butler said, "Now, are you going to sneak off without me again?"

"Ow! No, I won't."

"Are you going to disobey your mother again?"

"That seems like an unrealistic promise to make- Ow! Fine, only if I really need to."

Butler paused briefly "You're right on that one. Just check with me first before you want to disobey your mother."

"Fine. Are we done now?"

Butler resumed spanking. "No, but almost. One more question: are you going to use alcohol as a social crutch again?"

"What else was I supposed to do?" Artemis cried, near tears.

"You're supposed to expect your friends to take you as you are, not to drug yourself to change and then try to impress them with secrets. If you have to be drunk to feel comfortable with them, you need new friends."

The dam broke, and Artemis started crying in earnest now. "Fine, I'll just give up on friends my age and spend all my time with eighty-year-old elves!" Butler rolled his eyes at the melodrama, but kept spanking.

"Maybe you should just rethink your criteria on human friends. You can make friends with people who understand your humor. You don't have to be whatever you're defining as "normal." The point of this is not to convince you to give up on making friends your own age. You just have to be more selective."

"Fine! Fine, I'll start selectively making friends just- Butler, please."

Butler delivered the last few swats, and rubbed Artemis's back soothingly for a time. When Artemis had calmed somewhat, he gathered the teenager into his arms, like he had when the boy was six, and comforted him on his lap. "You're alright. All's forgiven. You have to understand how much you scared us though. Your mother was faced with the possibility of never seeing you again. I thought you were safe in bed, only to be told you were unconscious under ground. Commander Kelp put his job on the line to keep you out of prison. You have a lot of people who care about you, and we want you to be safe."

Artemis sniffed, and ignored the part of him that was saying that crying into one's bodyguard's lapels was undignified. "I'm sorry Butler."

Butler smoothed his hair. "It's alright Artemis. You're going to be okay, and no harm's done. That's what matters. You get some rest now. I'll wake you up for lunch, and then we'll spend the afternoon catching up on self-defense training."

"What? Butler-!" But Butler was already guiding him to his bed, and Artemis balked at being tucked in like a toddler, but secretly enjoyed the comfort.

"Get some sleep, Artemis. You'll need it."

If Artemis had not already been drifting off, he would have shuddered at the awful ideas of exercise that statement brought to his mind. As it was, he was left to drift into dreams that were partially horrifying nightmares of jogging, but mostly the warm comfort of family and acceptance.