A/N: :0 - your face right now, right? Yeah, mine too. Its bee like... a year now? this was last updated in 2013 and its now...2015. Ouch. But look, I wrote another chapter!

I don't really know how to explain why i suddenly stopped writing for this story. i have 40 pages of this fic already written not including whats already been posted, and yet i quit. I think the main reason is that i went over the plot for the story so many times that for me, in my mind, it was over. I was so used to the story that I made my own self bored of it. And it was a shame, really, because i really liked this fic idea.

I got to writing other Free Fics, one that will never see the light of day and the other that I'm five chapters in and going strong (I decided that i would post it AFTER i finish writing it so the tragedy with this one never happens again). I think that writing those probably helped take away my focus on this story for a while and allowed me to come back to this one with a fresh new perspective on it and more experience with writing with Free characters (Shattered happens to be the first Free fic I've ever started).

But the main thing that brought me back to this story is that despite being unfinished and despite having not been updated for a year, people are still reading this and even following it. It's made me really happy and appreciative to the point I just had to go and write this chapter. And you know what? it flowed for me. This chapter was so easy to write and I'm so happy. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all that have taken an interest in the story. Its you people that have kept this story alive for both me and yourselves. I just hope I can you all justice.

Okay, away from all that sappiness now. Who else was in love with season 2 of Free and all the Makoharu moments it had!? I know i loved it! especially when they made up :D This fic came about before even the first episode came out, and i was completely surprised when very similar themes between the two showed up in season 2. that fireworks scene? yeah still the bane of my existence to be completely honest. If you really liked the painful, murderous feel that scene gave you, then oh boy is this the fic for you. Sad to say, however, is that this fic takes place between season 1 and 2, so there will me no Momo or Souske I'm afraid :c Makes me sad since I'm an incredible SouRin shipper too.

Alright, but enough chitchat. Anybody who actually read all my rambles probably dissevers a cookie or something. On with chapter 4! I hope y'all enjoy! ^_^

Chapter 4: The Hardest Thing to Say

There are things you should say, but don't.

There are also things that you shouldn't say, but do.

It is up to you to decide which is right and which is wrong.

"Banzai!" In a sudden burst of noise, streamers of all colors rained across the living room and drowned them all in a sea of reds, blues, purples, greens, and yellows. Haru eyed them all with mild annoyance, setting down his own launcher as everybody else clapped in celebration. It did nothing but worsen the headache banging in his brain.

What had started out as family night had turned into a congratulations party the moment Makoto had called his mother with the news. In just a couple hours she had managed to call upon family members, co-workers, and friends to come over and celebrate. Mrs. Tachibana had even managed to whip up party favors, hang up banners, and put together a four layer triple chocolate cake- known to be Makoto's favorite- with the words 'Congratulations Makoto! Proud of you!' written in bright green frosting in the same span of time.

By the time they returned from swim practice, both he and Makoto had been yanked in by eager twins and thrown right into the onslaught of people, of which also included Nagisa and Rei (have to leave early for studying my ass). Haru didn't even get a chance to go home and change and was forced into borrowing a pair of clothes from Makoto's wardrobe. Big and a bit baggy, it made him almost feel like a circus clown.

Haru sighed and took comfort on the couch, laying his hands gently in his lap. The sound of Makoto's laugh reached his ears and he turned his head, just in time to watch Mrs. Tachibana jokingly grab his cheek and pull him down to kiss her son on the nose. Some uncle that Haru didn't know then came and clapped a strong hand on Makoto's shoulder, saying something then giving a booming laugh that shook the fine china. Haru turned his head away again. He wanted to leave. He had nothing he wanted to celebrate.

Makoto was leaving. How in the world was that something that should be celebrated? Yet, people were laughing and smiling and giving out congratulations and Haru just didn't get it. Why were they all so happy? Did they not understand what Makoto going to America means? He was going to be gone. Not just gone, either, but gone gone, as in countries away and separated by a huge mass of ocean. There would be no more giant smiling green orca waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. There would be no more late night visits when something was bothering him. There would be no more Makoto, plain and simple. But nobody understood this. Nobody but him.

And it was just so goddamn noisy in here that it twisted his stomach into knots of anxiety and tension that he had to forcibly stop his hand from shaking because he couldn't stand it. He could hear it all, the volumes of their praise, their pride, their laughter, and just their words to the point his temple was throbbing and it stood up the hairs on the back of his neck. His hands clammed up just sitting there and it was warm, way too warm. Haru usually disliked being surrounded by so many people but normally could manage. But not today. Just, not today. He was ready to bolt.

A sudden skewered salami in his face brought Haru to an abrupt halt. He glanced over to look at the piercing pink eyes of Nagisa, Rei at his side cutting the food on his plate into perfect halves.

"Haru-chan, you really should try this!" he wiggled the stick in the air. "It's realllllly good."

"No." Haru curtly replied, looking away. And then because he found he could never really be mean to Nagisa added, "I'm not hungry." It wasn't a lie. This did nothing but make the blonde pout before shrugging and eating it himself.

"Fine, more for me!"

"That's like your eighth one, Nagisa-kun." Rei eyed him over his glasses. "your're going to sink in the pool."

"Wah!?" Nagisa looked at him was a gapping mouth. "How rude! I am a growing boy, thank you very much! I need all I can eat, Right Haru-chan!?" Nagisa leaned over the back of the couch and started shaking Haru's shoulder. "You agree with me!"

"Sure." He shrugged Nagisa off of him.

"See!?"

"I wasn't arguing against that, Nagisa-kun, I was just stating that if you keep eating stuff like that it won't be just muscle you're gaining." Nagisa gasped dramatically.

"Rei-chan, did you just call me fat!?" Nagisa proceeded to smack him with a pillow off the couch. "Meany!" smack. "Idiot!" smack. "un-beautiful!" smack. Amongst this Haru stood up, brushing his hands off on Makoto's pants before looking at them.

"Nagisa." The blonde paused mid hit, Rei automatically cringing for it anyways. The tone was enough to tell him to stop and he obeyed without a word, tossing the pillow back where he found it. Rei made a sigh of relief. "I'm leaving." He told them. Both faces fell slightly.

"Aww, already?" Nagisa whined. "They haven't even cut the cake yet." Haru looked away.

"I'm tired. Tell Makoto for me?" Nagisa shook his head in a flurry of locks.

"No way! You tell Mako-chan yourself, party pooper!" Nagisa childishly then stuck out his tongue. Rei grimaced, and as always translated what Nagisa meant into more proper terms.

"It would be rude to leave his party without telling him yourself, wouldn't it, Haruka-sempai? It is a special day for him." Haru sighed, eyeing the floor.

"…Yeah." He looked back over to Makoto, who was now supporting Ran in his arms while talking to a couple Haru recognized as the Tachibana's neighbors. "See you guys tomorrow."

Bidding them farewell, Haru made his way over to where the green giant stood, earning a smile from both Tachibana's as his approach became known.

"Haru!" Makoto smiled warmly, taking a slight step back so he could be welcomed into their conversation. "You know Mr and Mrs. Yui, right?" Haru looked at the couple, nodding and inclining his head slightly for respect.

"Nanase-kun, pleasure to see you again!" the woman smiled kindly. "Haven't seen you since- well I can't even remember? How are you?"

"Good." Haru realized the two were trying to engage him warm chit-chat, something he could do as well as a goldfish could. He gave Makoto a look.

"Haru's been really busy with swim practice!" Makoto praised. "He keeps setting some pretty awesome records."

"Ah, yes! I remember your grandmother bragging about those!" the man nodded, impressed. "Always called you her little merman, didn't she? Said you were going to be the star of the Olympics one day."

"I don't care about times." Haru replied curtly, if not rudely. He didn't feel like discussing his late grandmother, not that he ever did anyways. As expected, the couple were taken aback.

"Well, I'm going to go check on your mother and see how she's fairing. Coming dear?" the man nodded.

"Sure thing." He offered Makoto a smile. "Good luck in America, Makoto. Knock 'em dead!"

"I'll try!" Makoto smiled as they walked away, adjusting his sister in his arms before he looked back at Haru again. "They're very nice, aren't they? Mom says they know a guy with apartments back in America and might be able to hook me up with a special offer…"

"Makoto, I'm going home."

"Ehh?"

"No, Haru-chan, you can't leave!" Ran pouted, her hands grabbing at the air between them.

"We haven't cut the cake yet!" Makoto added, glancing over at chocolate monstrosity. Haru in turn looked at his feet, biting his lip. Makoto decided to let his sister down then, who peered up at Haru with sad eyes.

"Haru-chan, don't go!" she grabbed at his hand, holding it with both of hers.

"Are you okay?" Makoto asked with a slight frown, watching Haru teeter on his feet. He took a step closer. "You were a little off this morning too..."

"I'm fine." Haru looked up, not exactly meeting his eyes but not exactly trying to avoid them either. "Just tired." Makoto watched him for a second.

"Okay. I'll come over a drop off some cake later, okay?" Haru nodded.

"Noooo, Haru-chan!" Ran yanked at his hand. "Stay and eat cake with me and nii-san!" Kneeling forward, Haru gave a small smile only noticeable by her and her brother.

"I'll come back and eat cake with you another time, okay?" He gently pat her on the head.

"Tomorrow!"

"Okay, I'll come tomorrow." Her face brightened at this prospect and let go of his hand as Haru stood back up. "Bye, Makoto."

"Bye, bye, Haru." Haru was sure he should have said something else. Any proper guest would have said congratulations. Any proper friend would have wished him luck. Any normal best friend would have made sure to be the last guest of the night and offer continuous support. But he found he could do none of these. All he could do was leave in deafening silence.

XXXXXXXX

The bath water, as always, was welcoming. It wrapped around his limbs with its warm fingers, and soothed at the tense muscles underneath his skin, softening it with faint rubs. Even when his body was relaxed, it didn't stop. The heated water continued to dig through the layers of his skin and touch his very core, embracing it in its fluid form until it too became warm and soothing to the touch. It was then that he could lay there in true contentment. Just he, the water, and silence.

The silence was music to his ears. Its tune flowed through him and wrapped him up securely, protecting him from the world's reality and allowing him a blissful feeling of nothing. Right now, he didn't want to think. And he didn't have to think. Not here. Here was a safe space. The water granted him this. The water always allowed him to be free. He didn't have to think about friendly eyes or bright smiles or warm hands. He could think about nothing. It was everything.

But the water couldn't protect him forever. Two hours later, Haru reached over the tepid water to pull the drain and let his head fall back on the porcelain behind him. He sat there, still, as he listened to the slurps of the water flowing down the drain to leave him naked in an empty tub.

"Even you're leaving me, huh." He whispered quietly, closing his eyes. It was silent, but it didn't feel like it anymore. He could hear his own breathing, feel his own heartbeat. But nothing was louder than the pressure building inside his mind. It made no sound, yet was roaring to the point of deafening. As his fingers clenched into a fist he decided it was time to get out.

He did very little to wipe himself dry, changing into simple sweats and a t-shirt, before making his way down to the kitchen. His stomach, which had had wanted nothing to do with food at Makoto's party was gnawing at him like a savage, begging for food. Haru decided to go simple and threw some mackerel in a pan, watching it sizzle without expression.

To his dismay, however, Haru found that within a couple bites of the fish he could no longer manage it. The rock in his stomach was too large, taking up any room for food. He pushed it aside with a slight bite of his lip. Haru let out a slow breath as he felt the anxiety inside build up again. The prickles started in his heart and with each beat flowed through his veins to the rest of his body. He could feel its ferocious tug to make him unravel, to pull him apart into broken fragments of what was once whole.

"Shit." He mumbled, laying his head in his arms on the table and clenching his toes. Haru closed his eyes tightly and buried his nose in fabric, admittedly trying to run from the overwhelming pressure overtaking him. All it took was a single word to ring through his head to shatter his calm exterior, and with it brought forth thousands of questions that he both did and didn't want the answer to. Why?

There were so many whys, ones that involved Makoto why was Makoto leaving why was he abandoning his life in iwatobi why was he so happy, ones that involved himself why was he being betrayed why was he being left alone why did the darkness want him so damn badly, and even whys that led to the universe itself why was this happening why did things have to change why can't we just stay together. But in the end, it all boiled down to simply one question.

"Why, Makoto?" Haru's voice cracked, unable to stop the broken sound just like he was unable to stop the hot tears trailing down his face. "What did I do to make you want to leave me too?" No longer able to hold back, Haru held his face in his hands and cried, his sobs dancing throughout the house.

He knew he was being selfish. Haru knew way too well that he shouldn't be sitting here and crying when Makoto was happy, when Makoto had made this choice. But he couldn't help it. It hurt so much. His light was about to leave him behind and Haru was afraid of the dark.

XXXXXX

"Don't take too long, Makoto, you have school tomorrow!"

"I won't mom!" Makoto promised, his face naturally holding a smile as he slipped on a pair of shoes, a plate piled with cake carefully balancing in his hand. "It'll be just a second." Being careful not to tip the cake on its frosting, Makoto hummed as he made his way to Haru's.

It was a bit late, around 10:00, but Makoto had to figure Haru would still be up. After all he had announced that he would bring cake by later, and it was very much like Haru to stay up and wait for him. Even still, if for some reason Haru didn't happened to be up, he would go in and leave it on the kitchen table. Makoto chuckled to himself. Maybe he would leave him a little note. If he would be a bit more artistically inclined he would have attempted a cat, but that was a mistake waiting to happen. Perhaps he would settle for a heart instead.

With this in mind, Makoto didn't even bother to knock, slipping inside the house and calling out Haru's name to announce he was there. He didn't earn a reply, though there was little chance of him getting one anyway. Taking his shoes off and placing them neatly next to Harus, he made his way to the kitchen.

"Haru-chan..." Makoto came to a stop, a warm smile draping over his lips and reaching his eyes.
You'll catch a cold like that." Of all the things he had expected, Haru asleep at the table hadn't exactly crossed his mind. Had he been waiting for him? More careful then before, Makoto made sure to be quiet and passed Haru's sleeping form to set the cake on the counter beside a half-eaten plate of mackerel. He decided that he would write a note after all and grabbed a post-it note and a marker, writing the words Cake for Haru-chan! 3 in careful print before sticking it to the rim of the dish. Makoto then shut off the light before returning back to the other room.

Whenever he slept, Haru always seemed like a different person. While the conscious Haru was guarded and reserved, in sleep he was much more innocent and vulnerable. It probably had to do with his long eyelashes and the curve of his cheeks but he always seemed to take on the image of a young child. Makoto knew he would be hit if he ever said it out loud, but he looked cute like this. There was no cold shoulder or hard eyes. Without such barriers he was smaller. More fragile. It was a reminder that Haru wasn't as strong as he always tried to appear to be. It wasn't that Makoto didn't know that (he had seen plenty to know that wasn't the case), but sometimes he forgot. Besides swimming, cooking, and art, Haru was also a good actor. Even Makoto himself sometimes struggled with Haru's actual feelings. Those eyes didn't always let him in to see. He had to guess at times. Sometimes he wondered if there were times he was wrong.

Crouching beside Haru, Makoto reached over and pushed black bangs back to look at his face. His hair was soft to the touch, and also slightly damp, probably from a previous bath.

"Let's get you to bed, Haru-chan." Makoto whispered quietly, taking his hand back and standing up. The talk of such made him yawn, which he slapped his cheeks in earnest against. He was ready himself, but he had to take care of Haru first. Bending down, Makoto carefully wrapped his arms around Haru's waist and pulled him bridal-style into his arms, Haru's head falling lightly against his chest.

Despite his efforts to be careful, Makoto must have jogged Haru too much because by the time he reached the stairs there was movement in his arms. Seconds later, cautious blue opened to look at him.

"Makoto?" Haru must have been in a deep sleep by the way his voice sounded, and to that Makoto let slip a smile.

"Sorry, did I wake you? I tried to be careful." Haru didn't really seem to be too annoyed, instead choosing to look at Makoto with a steady glance. He didn't try to weasel out of his arms.

"t's fine." He mumbled. His heavy eyelids closed his eyes for a moment and by the time he was able to re-open them Makoto had already arrived at his room. The way Makoto was handling him it was like he was made of glass, the other pulling back his comforter and laying him down like any false move could break him. "You didn't have to carry me."

"I know." Makoto smiled, grabbing the blanket and pulling it back over and up to Haru's chin. "But I wanted to. If I had left you as you were you would have caught a cold for sure."

"Makoto." Haru pulled his hand out of the covers and signaled Makoto to lean closer, only to flick him in the forehead when he did. "Idiot." He cast his gaze to the side. "…and thanks." Makoto rubbed his forehead but was delightfully beaming.

"I left some cake for you in the kitchen. There's kind of a lot since both Ren and Ran wanted to pick you out a piece, but don't feel bad if you can't eat it all. I know you don't like sweets that much. Is there anything else you need before I go?"

"No." Makoto nodded, stretching his arms up behind his head.

"I'll be seeing myself out then. Sleep tight, Haru!"

"…Night, Makoto." Haru curled to his side, watching Makoto by the door with drooping eyes. "Hey, Makoto…"

"Hm?" Right at the entrance the orca stopped, his green eyes bright enough to pierce through the darkness. Haru felt his heart hammer, but pushed the words out anyways.

"Congratulations." He knew he had to say it, even if he didn't mean it. Because he was positive Makoto needed to hear it. He was the only one who hadn't said it, and even if Makoto never would have said anything about it, Haru knew him well enough to know a simply thing like that was enough to bring him down. Even if it hurt, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. He had to say it for Makoto's sake.

"Thanks, Haru." The smile that followed was brilliant and heartfelt, ten times brighter than any that had been given the entire day.

"Yeah." Haru was just glad the tears on his face had vanished before Makoto had arrived.

A/N so theres chapter 4! You may have noticed a bit of change in writing style, thats what happens when you write for a story a year apart. You'll notice from here on i have a great love of Haru introspection so expect that for the future.

I'm also curious if anybody has any ideas for this fic they would like to share. I'm not guaranteeing I'll use them, but I might (with mention of you of course!) and they could possibly help change up the flow for what I already have planned. In any case, leave a comment or send me a pm if you wish ^.^

Oh, i should mention about updating quick; I'm not gonna quit this story, this i promise you. But i don't know how often it will come around. It may only be a week or two, or a month may pass. I'm in my second year of college, taking 6 classes as well as a job and writing other fics (I'd say running a social life but then I'd be lying xD) so my days can get pretty busy. Please take this into consideration for my terrible updating skills XD

tata for now~!