Chapter 13

I snap my eyes open when I feel Shane pull away to get up for the day. By my calculations, it's about Day 61 after the outbreak. I've been trying to keep track of the days, but I fear that I may have gotten a day or two off.

"What's going on?" I ask and yawn.

"There's a party going to be heading into Atlanta," Shane explains briefly. "It's going to be T-Dog, Andrea, Glenn, Morales (he joined us a while back), Jacqui (joined a while back too), and," Shane pauses a moment, "Merle."

I suck in a deep breath due to shock. "You're letting Merle go?" I ask with wide eyes. "You know how he's been acting lately."

"I think everyone knows how he's been acting lately," Shane replies in a tone devoid of humor. "I don't get it. He was doing great. He was actually being tolerable, but now he's just reverted to worse than before."

I purse my lips and debate whether or not I tell Shane what happened. "You remember me telling you that Merle is gay, right?" Shane nods. "Two weeks ago when we were sitting around a fire with the group, Daryl said a couple of things about gays. I'm not going to repeat any of the things said, but Merle took it really hard. I'm not positive, but I think he's started doing drugs again."

Shane stares at the ground in silence. "That doesn't change things. We can't just make an exception for him. Merle drew a short stick fair and square. It's his turn to go."

"I'm going to go have a talk with him before they leave," I announce and quickly scramble out of bed. Even though he's acting like a jack ass, it would kill me inside to have anything happen to Merle. He isn't a bad guy completely. He has just had a bad life.

"Merle should be down by the camper," Shane informs me as he pulls on a t-shirt.

"Thanks," I say as I pull on pants. Shane waits patiently as I quickly dress. As soon as I'm ready, we leave the room together, hand in hand. It still hasn't gotten old. Every time I'm able to walk hand in hand with Shane in front of people, I feel just so full of joy. It feels like I'm able to express a happy part of myself and it fills my chest with warmth. With Shane by my side, I don't think I'll ever be able to fear anything ever again.

On our way to the camper, we walk past Lori. It's still awkward even after so many weeks. Her glares have lessened considerably, but they're still there.

Everyone is sitting next to the camper prepping for their journey. They all chat casually with the exception of Merle, who was sitting quietly staring at the ground with lost eyes. A sharp pain resonates throughout my chest. He's a broken man.

"Merle," I say as I take a seat next to him.

He looks up at me for a moment before returning his eyes to the ground. "What do you want, Babydoll?"

I take a deep breath. "I want to know that you're not going to do something stupid. I want to know that you're going to come back tonight."

Merle laughs solemnly. "And what if I don't come back tonight?"

"I will hunt you down until I find you again," I tell him in complete seriousness. "Daryl didn't mean the things he said. He would accept you if you told him. That's what you need to do. If you don't, I will. If he doesn't accept you… I'll beat the shit out of him."

This manages to get Merle to crack a smile and I feel like I've accomplished something. He doesn't respond to me for a long time, but eventually I hear, "I'll try."

"Do you promise? I'll never forgive you if you leave me alone here."

"I promise. I will try my hardest to live so that I can come back."

"Thank you," I ask. "Where are your drugs? I'm taking them."

Merle looks to be in incredible pain when I ask for his drugs. He chews on his knuckle for a minute before saying, "They're in the mattress in my room."

"It's all for the best."

"I know it is. I was stupid for even relapsing again." Merle glances up as people start loading up. "It's time that I go with them. I'll see you later this evening."

"See you later," I say as I watch him walk away. Merle is like my brother. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him.

(Merle's POV) A/N: Did you see this coming? XD

I watch Claire out of the corner of my eye as she watches me walk away. I feel sad that I've let her down. When I pledged to never touch drugs or alcohol again, I meant it, but it killed a determined part of me inside when my brother said all those things. Drugs reminded me of the escape that I had previous in life.

As I get into the vehicle with everyone else, I make a pledge to myself. Even if I don't manage to not touch drugs and alcohol again, I will come back. I can't at least keep that promise to Claire.

As the day drags on, I begin to realize with more and more certainty that I may never return. Every move we make, the walkers make with us. The only thing that has prevented my certain death is determination. My mind is filled with the image of Claire's face if she were to find out that I had died. I can't do that to the poor girl. She's already lost too much in her short number of years in the world.

Things worsen when Glenn decides to help a retard that gets himself stuck in a tank. I don't get why he helps the man. If he was stupid enough to ride a fucking horse of all things into a walker infested city, he deserves everything he gets. In the world of now where stupid shit like that will get you killed, we can't afford to keep the mentally incompetent alive.

Regardless, the man is retrieved and as they approach our area we send T-Dog and Morales. I try to volunteer so T-Dog doesn't have to go out, but they all think that I'm trying to trick them in some way and make me stay within the building. It doesn't feel good, but I would never admit that.

As soon as everyone is safely back in the building, Andrea starts cussing and pulls on gun on Walker Bait (that's my nickname for him). It's terribly cute. She doesn't even realize she has the safety on. Walker Bait realizes this too, but pretends to be afraid. Maybe he's not as stupid as I thought.

Morales tells her to pull the trigger. She doesn't have the balls and we all know it. There's no real danger with handing her a gun. I doubt she'd even be able to shoot the damn thing.

After pulling away, Andrea goes on some rant about how we're all going to die. It's quite original. I just sit in the corner with my thumb in my ass watching the scene. Soon, they pull him away to show him our dilemma and the result is quite funny. They're all starting to panic, including myself. That's why I run up to the roof with my gun. Maybe I can make a couple heads drop and we could make our way to another building since they'll all be attracted to this one.

Shortly after I start firing, the entire group makes their merry way up to my perch.

"Hey, Dixon, are you crazy?" I hear Morales shout. Perhaps I am crazy. This was a pretty stupid plan, but I still think I can make it work.

I start laughing to myself at how absurd the situation is and I slowly turn on my heel towards the group. "You should be more polite to a man with the gun," I say with a crooked smile. I'm trying to be funny, but I don't think it conveys very well.

My stomach falls into my guts when T-Dog jumps down in front of me. I forgot about his presence for a moment. He's the last person I want yelling at me.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asks me in a rushed tone and suddenly my tongue turns to lead with guilt. "You're wasting bullets we don't even have!"

My only defense is denial. I know it's wrong, but then again, I'm always wrong. I'll never improve. It was stupid to even think that I could have forged a plan good enough to save us all. No one can rely on me. I'm worthless.

My lips curl into a menacing snarl. I can't help it. It's just the way I am. "Hey, it's bad enough I have this taco vendor on my ass all day, I don't need you on it too," I shout back although having him on my ass does sound fairly pleasant. "The day I take orders from you, will be the day that the sun rises in the west and sets in the east." If only he knew. He could probably make me his bitch if only he knew what I felt.

"You got something you want to tell me?" T-Dog says in a high tone. I have so much I wish I could tell him, but I know I never will. I am a coward.

"Don't get into it T-Dog," I hear Morales say. He's right. We shouldn't get into this. Now is not the time. "He's not worth it." I'm not. "Now Merle, just calm down." If I could have flung myself from the building right then, I would have, but I still couldn't do that to Claire.

"No, I want to hear what he has to say," T-Dog says defiantly.

"I love you," I say without thinking and I immediately regret it.

T-Dog stares at me for only a moment before swinging his fist. "You're the worst kind of human being." Unfortunately for him, I'm quicker and easily block his attack. Without thinking, I hit him with the butt of my rifle. He recoils and immediately starts to swing again. This time I punch him as the Walker Bait comes up on my side. He gets a mouth full of fist to and goes flying. Panicking, I turn on my heel and kick T-Dog as he comes at me. My mind goes into a blind fury.

I had used all the courage that I possessed and had told him the truth. The result was humiliating. They mocked me for it. He didn't just reject me. T-Dog rejected me with all the hate he was capable of. I can't blame him though. I am disgusting. It was my fault for this, but that didn't stop me from swinging and kicking the man even when he was down. I have never hated myself so much before.

My mind is blank. People are screaming at me, but their cries fall to deaf ears. My rage is unstoppable at the current moment and I just keep going. Without thinking, I draw my gun and put it in his face. Reality comes crashing back to me. What have I done? I look up into the faces of everyone. They're horrified; I'm a monster.

I get off of him quickly and take steps back. What have I done? Soon, I bump into someone and cool metal captures my hand. I'm pulled down to the ground and I'm handcuffed to a pole. Walker Bait is in my face instantly. He's incredibly pissed at me.

Walker Bait is saying things to me, but his words don't hit me. I just ignore him until he starts rummaging through my pockets. He pulls out my cocaine and I cringe. Why didn't I give that to Claire before leaving? Walker Bait quickly flicks my nose and gets up to go discuss how to escape our current place.

They make a plan while making jokes about me. I don't pay much mind to them. I just wallow in my own self-loathing. I'm disgusting and deserve every bit of ridicule they throw my way.

Soon I see them shuffling off the roof and I stare at T-Dog. He's stayed up on the roof to try and reach the camp.

"You're a shitty person," T-Dog says to me, breaking the heavy silence.

I smile bitter sweet. "I am a horrible person," I say with a laugh. "There are no words for the amount of fucked in the head I am."

"Did you mean it?" he asks quietly and I almost don't hear him.

"Did I mean what?" I ask defensively even though I already know what he's going to ask about.

"Did you mean it when you said that you loved me?" T-Dog asks after a pregnant pause.

I laugh quietly. "What do you think?"

T-Dog stares at the sky a moment. "I don't think you're capable of love Dixon."

I stare at my shoes and refuse to look his way. "You're wrong there. I'm capable of love. Every time I look at Claire, all I feel is love. She's like a daughter to me. I would try to do everything in my power to keep her safe, although I suppose that's not the type of love you're talking about." I pause a moment and take a deep breath. "Even if you don't believe me, I'm capable of love. It's the being able to handle emotion part that I'm not good at. My mind goes into denial and well, this is the result." I gesture to my handcuffed wrist.

T-Dog stares at me momentarily before going back to his radio. I would give anything to hear T-Dog's thoughts at the moment, although I'm not sure that I would want to.

After what seems like forever, the entire group is on the roof again. They're going over a battle plan. I just roll my eyes and ignore them. I don't have time for this.

When they leave again, they take T-Dog with them and I'm left alone. I'm a little happy, but at the same time, I'm incredibly lonely. Eventually, everyone piles back onto the roof. I shout at them, but they all refuse to talk to me.

"Please don't tell me that idiot is out on the street with the handcuff keys?" I say and that gets T-Dog's attention. He smiles evilly at me before holding up a key and in that moment, I know I'm a dead man. There's no way he'll free me. "T-Dog, I want you to think about Claire. I made a promise to her that I would return. You have to free me."

T-Dog stares blankly back at me, but his smirk doesn't drop off. I am beyond fucked. Suddenly, there's a crackle in the sky and droplets of water begin to fall. Of course. We manage to have the shittiest of luck. God decided to fuck us over by giving us walkers and now he has to fuck us over with rain. Isn't this just the loveliest world?

There's tense moments where no one knows what's going to happen, but then Walker Bait manages to pull through with the plan much to my amazement.

"Let's go!" Morales shouts and everyone begins to back their things.

They're all running away as I start to shout, "You can't leave me here!" No one listens to me except for T-Dog who stops and looks incredibly torn with what to do. I start shouting his name as the panic sets in. "You can't leave me here, man! I'll die here if you leave me! Think of Claire!"

He continues to stare, but for only a moment before he comes running back with the key in his hand. On his way, he knocks over a bag of tools. Just as he reaches the bottom of stairs, he trips and the key goes down a drain like thing. Our mouths both hand open in shock.

I start laughing as tears stream down my face. I was right. This is where I am going to die. "T-Dog, tell Claire I'm sorry and ask her to tell you everything. Trust me."

"I'm sorry," T-Dog yells repeatedly as he runs away. There's a loud noise as he locks the door with chains. Well, I guess I'm going to die a long death. I'm not sure what will kill me first, walkers or dehydration. It's a toss-up.

"I'm sorry, Claire," I mutter as I accept my fate.

Claire's POV

Off in the distance, we hear a car. It's a red mustang that recklessly pulls into the camp. Everyone starts immediately fighting to turn it off. After it turns off, Glenn reassures us that everyone is okay. I breathe a sigh of relief. Merle's okay. I was worried the entire time that he would get himself into a fight with T-Dog and I'd never see him again.

Soon, a truck full of people starts to pull up. As everyone starts piling out, I don't see Merle.

"Where's Merle?" I ask and everyone refuses to look at me. "Where's Merle?" I ask but louder this time. When no one answers, I begin to shout hysterically. I can feel the tears begin to build up in my eyes. Glenn lied to me. Merle's not okay. I drop to my knees. "Where's Merle?" I shout again and this time I feel Shane's arms wrap around my comfortingly.

"Guys, this isn't funny," Shane says. "Where's Merle?"

"The person responsible for saving our lives handcuffed him to the roof and he got left behind," Morales says with downcast eyes. The fucking coward won't even look me in the eyes when telling me that one of my best friends is more than likely dead. "I want you to know that without him, we would have never made it back, so don't be too harsh on him."

My entire world shatters in a moment and I turn into a ball of tears and snot as Shane holds onto me tightly. Merle is never coming back. The thought kills me inside. Merle was far from a good person, but that didn't mean that he had to be left on a roof top to rot or get eaten by walkers.

"Claire, look," Shane says and tries to tilt my head up. After a brief resistance, Shane manages to get my head up to look towards the truck. Walking towards us is a man that I thought I'd never see again in my whole life.

"Dad?" I ask quietly. My legs move me to walk without even thinking. "Dad!" I start running towards him with Carl close beside me. "Dad!" I yell again as I wrap my arms around him. Merle's briefly forgotten in the newly found happiness. "I thought you were dead."

"It's going to be alright," he simply says and wraps his arms around us. "Lori," he breathes quietly and a mixture of emotions surge through my body. Does he still love her?

"Rick," she replies and I can feel the tension in the air.

"We have a lot to talk about," Dad tells her and holds Carl and I closer.

"We do," Lori says in a detached tone.

"We can do it later," he says. "For now, I want to hear what the kids have to say to me. I'm sure there's many things that I missed."

"Do you want to see my insects?" Carl asks with excitement.

"Absolutely," Dad says and smiles down at his son. "Claire, there anything you need to show me?"

"We can catch up later. For now, spend your time with Carl." I smile at my dad and give him a tight hug.

"That better be a promise," he says as Carl drags him off.

I turn back to Shane who is standing behind me with a smile on his face. I smile back and say, "I love you."

"Me too," he says and pulls me to him.

"You understand we need to go back for him, right?" I say into his chest as more tears swell up in my eyes.

"We can go back early tomorrow morning."

"What if he's gone by then?" I ask hysterically.

"I'm sure that he knows that you'll come for him. He'll be there waiting for you."

"I hope you're right," I mutter.

"Umm," I hear someone say and my head snaps up quickly. It's T-Dog looking very uncomfortable. "Merle asked me to tell you that he was sorry. He also told me to ask you to tell me everything."

My jaw almost drops in shock. I didn't think that he would ever want T-Dog to know. "I'll tell you tomorrow if we're unable to bring him back. Otherwise, I'll make him tell you in person."

T-Dog shifts from one foot to the other for a few seconds before nodding and walking off quickly.

"We have to get Merle back," I say. "Then, I'm going to make him tell T-Dog himself. He owes the man that much."

"I couldn't agree more," Shane says. "Why don't we go start planning how to get Merle back? We need to find out the complete story from Glenn and Andrea." I nod and follow Shane to the camper.

A/N: Well, I'm back kind of. I feel I owe you all an explanation as to why there haven't been any updates and that would be that dating, school, and working take up a lot of time. Yeah, it's not a solid excuse, but it's what I've been up to. I'm going to try and devote about half an hour a day to writing from now on and we shall see where that gets us.

Anyways, R&R. :)

- Love you all, Rena