Anon Prompt- Hook and the Home Shopping Channel.

(I was laughing like a psycho the entire time I wrote this. Thank you, thank you, thank you Anon for the most perfect prompt.)

When she slips into the loft well past midnight, she fully expects a dark and quiet apartment.

She does not expect a pirate sitting on her couch, fully engrossed in the Home Shopping Network.

She freezes in the hallway, mouth agape as she stares at Hook and Henry together on the couch. Her eyes flicker to the clock on the wall as she registers its one in the morning and then back to the odd pair huddled together. The excited voices of cheesy salespeople drift from the television and Hook shifts eagerly from the back of the couch, leaning forward and jostling a bleary looking Henry in the process.

"But wait, there's more." Henry mutters sleepily from his place against Hook's side. Hook laughs somewhat maniacally from his perch on the edge of the sofa, fingers gripping the telephone with a possessive zeal.

"Ah yes, m'boy." His blue eyes squint in concentration while his hook scratches idly at the back of his head. "There's always more."

Henry snickers from beneath the blankets next to him, eyes barely visible. He looks so happy and comfortable, fleece blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders, head resting against Hook's shoulder. Hook absentmindedly taps Henry's head with the curve of his hook in affection and Emma feels something in her chest shift at the gentle motion.

But then Hook palms her credit card off the table and all warmth disappears.

"Are you using my credit card?" She struggles not to shout and wake up David and Mary Margaret but the rage simmering through her veins is apocalyptic. Henry has the intelligence to sink lower in his blanket bundle, eyes downcast. Hook however, pays her no mind as he carefully balances the phone on his lap and punches in the correct numbers.

He pulls the phone up and balances it between his ear and shoulder, eyes never leaving the screen. "Good evening my dear Tricia, I do believe I'll be placing another order."

Emma stalks forward and rips the phone from his ear, hastily hitting the end button and tossing the phone into an armchair. He looks up at her with wide eyes, apparently startled by her sudden appearance. He blinks several times and then a slow grin appears on his face.

She feels her heart speed up and she wants to stomp her foot in childish defiance.

Bastard.

"That was very rude to Tricia."

He casually leans back against the couch and Henry readjusts himself, snuggling further into his side. Emma rolls her eyes and leans forward, snatching her credit card from his fingers.

"I don't give a damn about Tricia." She mutters insolently and Hook's eyebrows shoot up, laughter dancing in his eyes. He gestures towards the television with the arm that isn't tucked against Henry.

"Swan, are you aware that your moving pictures box allows you to buy things? Right from the comfort of your own home?"

He looks so genuinely pleased with himself, that she almost feels bad about her level of rage. Almost.

"Are you aware that stealing a credit card is a felony?" Was it? Probably, somewhere. Whatever, she's sheriff here. She places her hands on her hips and does her best to shoot him with a withering glare. "And that I could lock you up?"

He smirks at her. "Oh, love. It isn't nice to tease."

He gives her a downright sinful wink and does something absolutely terrible with his tongue and his lips and his mouth and she feels her mouth gaping open in response as she follows the movement with her eyes.

He laughs.

She growls, reaching forward and hauling him bodily off the sofa. Henry gives a small shriek as he falls against the arm of the couch without Hook supporting him, but she pays him no mind. He's a part of this too.

She pulls him down the hall, infuriatingly chuckling the entire way, and shoves him out the door. Once he's in the hallway outside of the apartment, he turns, jutting out his bottom lip and fixing her with a pleading look.

"But, Swan-"

"Not happening." She slams the door shut in his face and puts the chain on for good measure. She pretends not to hear his loud laugh from the other side of the wood and instead turns and stalks back down the hallway. Henry is bundled up on the couch, just his eyes and a mop of messy brown hair visible. They stare at each other in silence and then he shrugs.

"What? There were some good deals."

-/-

She is sitting in a corner booth at Granny's nursing a cup of coffee (extra whipped cream, extra cinnamon) when she feels him slide into the booth across from her. She flips the front page of the Storybrooke Mirror and hums quietly to herself, perfectly content with ignoring him.

He has other ideas.

"Swan." She glances up at him and he is watching her carefully, blue eyes serious.

She folds her hands on the paper. "Hook."

His fingers drum on the table between them. "Has my sham-pow arrived yet?"

"Sham-" Her eyebrows knit in confusion as he gazes at her with the utmost seriousness. She almost chokes on her coffee when she realizes what he is talking about.

300-year-old pirate ordered a damn ShamWow.

"No it has not arrived yet, and you owe me 623 dollars, buddy." She aims a finger at his chest menacingly. How the hell did he even spend 623 dollars? "And don't even try paying me in doubloons."

She doesn't know how he shifts over to her side of the booth so fast, but his breath is warm on her neck when he leans in against her ear.

"Don't worry darling, I fully intend to pay my debts."

He's gone before she can slap him.

-/-

The packages arrive in a steady stream over the course of a wekk. She huffs angrily and kicks the one closest to the door as she struggles to pick them all up and haul them into the loft. She drops them on the couch and stares at them for a moment before picking up the smallest one off the top. She tears the box open and peers inside.

"You have got to be kidding me."

It's a frilly, red, mostly sheer lingerie set. That he bought. From the Home Shopping Network. Next to her son.

She fumes and fingers the soft fabric idly, tilting her head to the side. She lets a slow smile stretch her features.

Paybacks a bitch.