To give Hikaru no Go a yaoi meaning

Kal Kally

Pairing: Sai/Hikaru, Akira/Hikaru and a hint of Sai/Torajiro.

Disclaimer: I feel so bad to shamelessly use Hotta Yumi & Obata Takeshi's characters for my twisted purpose. Just kidding. I was having a great time writing this.

Warning: If you are offended by yaoi or the pairings, don't read it.

Chapter 1: Misunderstanding

"The day after tomorrow, the game between you and Touya Meisin will take place, are you nervous?" Hikaru asked while throwing his school bag into a corner.

Sai turned his back to the boy and closed his eyes, feeling the familiar sense of excitement that he had been feeling the whole week. "Not really. I'm looking forward to it with excitement. To face with such a strong opponent is surely a kind of happiness. Don't you feel the same with Akira Touya?"

For a moment, in the room there were only the noises of rustling clothes, then they were followed by Hikaru's voice. "I'm not sure. Sometime I feel tired of chasing after him. Sometime, I do feel excited. It's that excitement that urges me to keep trying."

"I'm sure someday you'll be able to catch up to him." Sai smiled assuringly and turned around. He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sight of a nearly naked Hikaru. He gulped as his eyes instinctly looked at Hikaru up and down. They traveled to his creamy chest, his arms, his legs and finally stopped at his hands, now were about to pull down his underwear.

"Stop." Sai yelled, turned around, blushing wildly. "You should have warned me first if you want to take off all of your clothing."

"But..." Hikaru squeaked in confusion then anger seeped into his voice. "How many time have you watched me undressing before? Why suddenly play innocent? What the hell is wrong with you recently?"

Sai bit his lips, unable to answer. He heard Hikaru coming nearer and shuddered at the thought of having a naked Hikaru so close. "Don't come near me." He yelled at the boy. You'll never know what you're doing to me. So please go away, please stop. Sai mentally pleaded.

Hikaru didn't hear his silent plead. The boy did stop; however, what was said next stabbed him right at the heart. "You're not disgusting with my body, are you?"

Hikaru, how could you think that?

"Sai?" Hikaru asked again. "Is that true?"

He had heard the hurt in Hikaru's voice and knew that if he didn't answer, the result would be disaster. But what should he say? That the sight of Hikaru's body unclothed made him feel something far different from disgusted. Something close to desire?

"Please say something, Sai." Hikaru pleaded.

And if he told Hikaru the truth, would it be Hikaru's turn to be disgusted with him? Would he drive the boy away forever? Truth hurt. So Sai chose lies and keep silent.

"It's not that I care. Hikaru yelled and ran away. A moment after, he heard the door of the bathroom slammed shut.

Sometimes, lies hurt also.

Being left alone, all what Sai could feel was bitterness. Since when did he start to think of Hikaru as more than just someone he used to fulfill his desire to play Go? The past had left him such a painful lesson. How could he forget?

It happened before. He had once let a man own his frozen heart and melt it by his unbelieving kindness. But with Torajiro's death, his heart also died. He promised himself once not to fall for anybody again, for a human's lifetime was only a blink in comparison to the eternal time he thought he possessed. Fate had some twisted plan to play with him, however. Hikaru came, and before he knew, the boy had already come into his heart and brought it back to life. First, become a friend and later, become his desire.

Such a desire could never be fulfilled, for desire and even love could never pass the line between death and life.

If only he still had a body. If only he was still alive.

Hikaru stayed in the bathroom longer than usual. Sai strained his ears to hear if there was any sobbing there but found none. He felt relieved.  Hikaru didn't seem to be affected much by the earlier incident. Maybe eventually, the boy could forget about that incident and everything would come back to normal.

Let the pain be only his to bear.

After a long time, Hikaru came out. He went down stair to have dinner with his family, returned to his room to study then went straight to his bed, all without saying a word to Sai.

Following Hikaru, the poor ghost felt hurt and abandoned. Hid didn't dare to say a thing, however, feared that another fight between them would lead to another misunderstanding. Still, Hikaru's ignorance hurt him far more than he could imagine. It made him panic slightly. If this went on forever, what would he do?

It was not earlier than midnight that he managed to calm down and not let his emotions cloud his thought.

By that time, Hikaru had fall deep into his sleep, unaware of the world around.

As usual, Sai sat somewhere on the ground, watching the boy sleep. It had become a route, a habit. Sai sometimes wondered what else he could do if he had to separate from Hikaru. The boy never asked what he did every night, so Sai never told him. Little did Hikaru know it was in nights like this that his desire for him formed. Nights when the moon was so bright and the peacefully sleeping figure on that bed was framed by the moon's silver light, showing all of his beauty. Innocent and ethereal. Body and soul.

How he longed to touch Hikaru, to taste him, hold him. To feel the warmth once more again. Nights like this were like a type of addicts, fueled his desire and destroyed him at the same time.

And a ghost like him had so many sleepless nights.

A moan interrupted his thought.

So it had started.

Hikaru had been having nightmares recently. Whenever Sai asked him about it, Hikaru only said that he had forgot. However, he went to bed later than usual, ate less and was distracted so easily. Sai knew that Hikaru did remember much if not all of his nightmare. But why did the boy hesitate in telling him about them?

Soon, Hikaru was turning and tossing, his face showing fear and terror. Sai swiftly moved to the bed and placed a hand on Hikaru's forehead, intended to sooth the boy back into a peaceful sleep. His hand touched Hikaru and passed the surface of the skin to go deep into Hikaru's head. At the same time, Hikaru gasped.

Sai jerked his hand back and hold it in front of his chest as if it was burnt. Another thing he should have remember. Never touch a living creature if you were a ghost. If you did, you would end up hurting both you and that creature.

Hikaru continued to whimper, turning restlessly. He could only stand and watch helplessly.

So damned helplessly.

Unable to help Hikaru, to chase the nightmares away.

Unable to cry even now when Hikaru was suffering.

Unable to feel even if he did make contact with the beautiful skin of the one he had been yearning for such a long time. Not the warmth. Not the softness. Not pleasure. Nothing.

The emotion on Hikaru's face changed from fear and terror to sadness. Slowly, a tear ran down his cheek and fell to the pillow beneath. Back away from the bed, Sai sunk to the ground, hands clasping on his mouth, chocking back a sob. It hurt. It hurt so much to be helpless. So helpless in anything. If only he got a body.

"You're crying. Sai, what's wrong?"

He startled and looked up. Hikaru had waked up, now half-sitting on the bed, one hand clutching the blanket over his chest.

Why did you wake up, Hikaru? This pain is my punishment.

It was only thoughts, Sai never dared to speak them out. Cursing himself for waking Hikaru up, he got to his feet and approached the bed. Forcing a smile which he thought to be assuring, Sai spoke "Go back to sleep, it's nothing. Really, Hikaru, why should I be crying?"

Hikaru shook his head as if he didn't believe any words. He opened his mouth to say something but decided against it.  He lied down, this time back turned to Sai.

Dreading silent hanging in the air once again but this time it didn't last much as Hikaru suddenly said softly without turning around. "Goodnight, Sai."

Sadness didn't really disappear but it did fade. Sai couldn't help smiling. 'It's late, I'll go to bed.' Or 'I'll sleep now' were all what Hikaru had said to him every night for the whole time they were together.  He had no clue why the boy decided to say that to him now, especially after the fight they just had. Maybe tomorrow would be better, he dared to hope.

Goodnight, my Hikaru, and have a nice dream.

End chapter 1.