There's No Way My Brother Can Be A Campione!

Summary: I can't believe this is happening to me...I am a perfectly ordinary high school boy well almost ordinary as I've been forced my my own sister to play little sister themed eroge...YET why am currently involved with something that came out of a fantasy anime!?

Disclaimer: I do not own Campione! or Oreimo

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Chapter 3: My Life Can Finally be Normal Again!...Not!

A Campione—a godslayer—is a supreme ruler.

Since he can kill a celestial being, he can therefore call on the sacrosanct, divine powers wielded by the gods.

A Campione—a godslayer—is a lord.

Since the power to kill a deity is in his hands, he therefore looms over all mortals on Earth.

A Campione—a godslayer—is a devil.

Since of all mortals who live in the world, none can assume a power to match his!

Tis a disaster.

In the far eastern land not only has Guinevere* failed to summon her king, but a new king has been born in the place where Guinevere's king now rests.

Tis not just a king born of slaying a common god, but that god, Gilgamesh the God-King.

No doubt there will be a great obstacle in Guinevere's goal.

"This knights bids you what troubles you so, Beloved Child?"

Guinevere glanced at the lake reflecting the moon's ray within this quiet forest of Breton Peninsula to see Sir Knight's, the God Lancelot's, murky figure staring at back at Guinevere.

Shaking Guinevere's head, Guinevere responds to Sir Knight's inquiry.

"A obstacle within the Far East."

"Oh? Does Beloved Child mean King Gilgamesh?"

"Gilgamesh? Yes, that is how he hath address himself. Tis a troubling king. Guinevere is troubled."

"Is that so? This knight would like to cross swords with King Gilgamesh."

How troublesome, Sir Knights bloodlust is quite high already, but with the appearance of King Gilgamesh it may not be long before they do cross swords.

"Does Sir Knight want to cross swords with King Gilgamesh so badly. More than reviving the King of End?"

This Guinevere asks as she doubts Sir Knight's action in resurrecting Guinevere's king.

"Nay, this knights hath sworn to protect Lady Guinevere and her goals. This knight merely wishes to cross blade should fate occur deems it so."

Guinevere sighs once more at Sir Knight's words.

"Then Sir Knight, prepare yourself for the time for that may not be far off."

Sir Lancelot's figure could visibly be seen shaking with anticipation at Guinevere's words within the lake.

The time will not be long now. Guinevere wilt revive her king and bring an end to this era.

It happened during dinner time.

"Dad, mom I'm thinking about getting a job."

After getting embarrassed thanks to Kaoru-san's gift I decided I needed a job. It wasn't just because of the suits of course, but just that I felt that I needed to do something. Probably to stop thinking about magic and all.

Well it's not like I needed the money desperately or anything, in fact my I hardly wanted anything...now that I think about it. I almost always just laze around in the house...

"Good for you Kyousuke, dad and I were thinking that you were going to be a lazy bum for the rest of your life ever since middle school."

"Gah!"

I choked on my rice at my mom's harsh comment. Dad didn't even deny it! Am I really that lazy.

"Fine, I was telling you ahead of time in case you had any objections!"

It was rather rude of but instead of being offended my mom just laughed! And was that a masked choking sound I heard from my dad!?

I forced myself to trudge back to my room afterwards...I really need to get out more. I can't believe this is how they see me!

But what job should I take?

Should I work at the Minami's place?

No, that would be imposing them too much and they like me so they'll treat me unfairly.

Should I ask Akagi?

But he doesn't really work either...

I don't know who to ask either since I don't really talk to anyone else in class...unlike my middle school years...

Dammit!

I know I'm going to regret this but I'm going to ask Saori

With that thought I logged onto the computer, Kirino usually plays her eroges at this time so she shouldn't be on.

Gilgamesh-hello anyone?

Kuroneko-You have appeared arrived, oh, king of uruk

My eyes twitched. When I made this screen name it was after I became a campione so on a whim I used Gilgamesh, but ever since then Kuroneko has been calling me King of Uruk and frankly the first time it happened, it freaked me out.

Well she probably knew that Gilgamesh from the Epic of Gilgamesh. Knowing her she would know this kind of thing.

Gilgamesh-are you here alone? I thought Saori was here too?'

Kuroneko-The tall has been summoned due to urgent matters.

A.k.a. something came up.

Gilgamesh-have you been waiting here alone for Kirino?

Kuroneko-no, I have been fabricating a new reality in which new legends shall be born

Gilgamesh- I'm sorry, but I can't understanding you. Can you speak japanese?

Kuroneko-...

Kuroneko-such a simpleton. Very well I shall dumb down my words for you

Gilgamesh-Hey, that's mean!

Kuroneko-Is it? I've just spoke what I thought, that's all

Gah! No wonder this girl can but head against head with Kirino!

Gilgamesh: *sigh* so what have you been doing?

Kuroneko- I've been finishing my doujinshi

Gilgamesh- doujinshi? You mean like those fan made manga or novels?

Kuroneko- basically yes

Gilgamesh- is it hard?

Kuroneko-not particularly. Whenever I have time or have frustrations I write. It helps me vent out issues.

Gilgamesh-eh. Maybe I should try. Lately I've been stressing out a lot because of some things that are happening in my life

Kuroneko- it does not have anything to do with your rule does it?

There she goes...again...

Gilgamesh-sure, sure let's just say that

We continued chatting for some time. Actually this was actually the first time we actually 'spoke' alone without anyone else. Aside from Kuroneko's cryptic way of speaking it was quite pleasant before I knew it an hour passed.

Gilgamesh-g2g. Kirino is about to get on and if she sees me chatting with you she'll give me hell

Kuroneko-I feel pity for you king, for having to put up with that girl. If it was me I would have stopped a long time ago

You say that, but don't you put up with as much crap as I do!?

Well Kirino is probably the same. These two girls, they're clearly friends but neither of them will admit it. I don't get beautiful girls at all.

Gilgamesh- she's my sister. Well...I guess that's it? Anyways see you next time *waves goodbye*

Logging out of the chat I plopped back onto my bed. In the end I didn't do anything worthwhile, I just chatted away and even forgot about my main reason for getting on the chat. Well considering Saori's personality and quirks maybe it was a good thing she was busy.

Looking at the clock I realized it was barely 11:00 pm, normally I would have been sleeping but thanks to Kirino's life counseling sessions I've gotten used to staying up later. Plus after the whole god slaying fiasco I've had more energy in my body than I know what to do with.

Screw it, I'm going to sleep.

The next morning was very peaceful. I unconsciously let out a smile at my current life. No gods, no campiones, no magic, no extravagant parties that turned into a death battle, etc.

"Kyou-chan did something happen?"

At my right is Tamura Manami, my childhood friend. As a girl, nothing stood out about her; she was just your average run of the mill school girl you see everywhere. Normal just like me.

Huh? Did I hear someone shout BS?

I looked around but no one looked like they could've shouted BS, must have been my imagination.

Anyways back to the main point, Manami is the most normal girl ever. If you asked me what stood out most about her, I would say her glasses.

"Yo, Kousaka!"

Seeing my friend Akagi Kouhei wave at me, I waved back. If based on looks alone Akagi would easily be within the top of our class, despite that all he ever talks about is his sister...as you can imagine for someone like me who hates his sister I hate it when he does that. Nor do I understand it.

"Hey, Akagi how's your cheek?"

I cheekily replied.

Hearing this Akagi's smiled turn upside down as he glared lightly at me.

"You bastard, if it weren't for the fact that my cute little sister was taking care of the bruise on my face that I got from you I would have punched you back ten times!"

What an inconceivable thought process. You won't punch a friend for punching you because thanks to that friend your sister took care of you?

"How about I punch you even harder then? This way your sister will take care of you even more?"

At first I thought I might have crossed the line, but...Akagi's eyes began to shine with an eerie light.

"Really Kousaka!? You do such a thing for me!?"

Akagi did you seriously sound grateful to me for saying that!? And get your arm off my neck.

"Make sure it makes me bedridden for at least a week okay?"

Akagi do you seriously want to be injured just so your little sister would take care of you?

What a siscon.

Not long after class started with the teacher starting by calling role, but...with everything that was happening I forgot about the Cultural Festival that was coming up. On a side note it was more common to call Cultural Festival a School Festival.

Each class had to choose an activity or theme that they work to. Common themes that come up are haunted houses, maid cafes, food stalls, plays, etc.

Seriously now that I think about it how did the "at least one maid cafe per Cultural Festival" start anyways? Didn't that originally spring up from an otaku culture? It's funny how society shuns otakus yet school still keep doing maid cafes.**

"...and so in order to break the boring maid cafe that every school festival has, we shall be doing a crossdressing festival."

Yep just a normal maid caf-wait what!

Breaking out of my thoughts I stared incredulously at the class president, Akagi Kouhei, who spoke those ludicrous words.

There's no way such an idea will pass, absolutely no way it will pass. It's okay someone will object...why isn't there anyone objecting. Rather why are they nodding their heads in agreement!?

"Wait!"

An outburst unlike the quiet me came out.

"Yes, Kousaka?"

Face with Akagi's inquiring look as well as the whole class's, I felt extremely self conscious but right now there was more important things to worry about.

"I object. Who suggested even doing such a...a..."

How should I describe this? Abnormal? That's too weak! Arghhh...

"...idiotic idea in the first place?"

"I did."

What

The

Hell

Is

Wrong

With

You

!

?

"Why would you even suggest such a thing!?"

Faced with my heated exclamation, Akagi didn't even bat an eyelash.

"Well, I can't tell you. Besides unless you have a legitimate reason the decision can't be reversed since everyone already voted for it."

Looking at the black board that was behind Akagi I saw the tally for the crossdressing cafe. It was only one vote away from being tied.

I sank back into my seat as I buried my face into my hands. If only I was paying attention.

No, before even then why did my life become so chaotic after becoming a campione? At least with Kirino's life counseling it was sporadic.

My family, especially Kirino, must never find out.

NEVER

I Sayanomiya Kaoru

"What a mess," I blinked when I realized that I spoke my thoughts out unconsciously. I must have been really tired.

With a sigh I looked at the desolated landscape, which was the result of a battle between a god and a campione. Miniature craters could be seen littering the land, with some of the larger and deeper ones filled with water no doubt due to the god's authority.

Luckily I had the foresight to plan the party at a remote location, not that I expected a god of all beings to crash the party. Personally I only wanted to lure the mages that summoned Gilgamesh to come, not another Gilgamesh. Still a fight between was near inevitable from the moment they confronted each other causing a miniature apocalypse here. Luckily the cover up was easy thanks to the relatively anonymity of the place.

Speaking of Gilgamesh, Japan's campione seems really normal from my interaction with him. He's not like the King of Swords, Salvatore Doni, or Duke Volban in fact you could almost call him the epitome of normality.

If it wasn't for the fact that he killed a god nothing would have brought attention to him, at least within the coming years. Still there should be something abnormal about him, further monitoring would be needed.

Kyousuke-san did say that he didn't want to be involved, so using my authority as the Tokyo Branch Chief and his official spokesperson I prevented further contact between him and the magical world unless absolutely necessary. Fufufufu, it's funny how those people quickly consented once they heard it was Kyousuke-san's wishes, just imagine all the things that I could. Although I should learn more about Kyousuke-san's personality before I attempt such actions, who knows how a campione might react considering how unpredictable they are.

Not to mention destructive...

The battle would have killed most of us had we not evacuated from the battle once the two started to fight, even then the flood filled with magic would have killed many of us had we not all been high ranking and capable mages or mikos.

But the battle was not without it's benefit, for one it would showcase the power of Japan's campione to the world thanks to the fact that the battle had obliterated at least one square kilometer of land. Most of it was due to the god, but Kyousuke-san managed to defeat the god that caused such havoc giving him prestige and power behind his name.

Kyousuke-san is still a newborn campione as such his power base is not as high or as established as the seven other campiones. I'm not saying that it would be week but compared to the others he would be overlooked far more.

Looking at the numerous objects within the center of the craters I contemplated on the problem at hand. Currently we were evacuating all of the weapons that Kyousuke-san had used as projectiles against Gilgamesh.

Even a novice could tell of the majesty and power behind each weapon. I recognized a few of them with the most famous one being identified as Houtengeki. Primeless weapons that could even damage the gods just left lying around like this. I may have to retract my previous statement about Kyousuke-san being so normal.

But what puzzled me were the other weapons that appeared. We couldn't recognize any of them and they still had tremendous power like the named ones the History Compilation Committee had identified.

It was puzzling. We could not identify the authority or make sense of the authority that had could shoot these weapons or even materialize them. Perhaps it's a creation authority? Creating weapons as he pleases? No, that wouldn't explain why there would be named weapons here. If it was the summoning of items from the time of Babylon then it wouldn't make sense because these concepts shouldn't have existed back then,

Regardless this is both troubling and pleasing. Pleasing because with this our battle capabilities have dramatically increase with these weapons, not to mention the information we could gain from studying them. However I don't know if Kyousuke-san knows about leaving them lying around so I would have to inform him first.

I seriously doubt he would mind too much.

The other most troubling fact, however, is the campione known as Black Prince Alec, aka Alexander Gascoigne. If words reach his hears, of which I no doubt would, there would be a high chance that he would take interest and if that happens...well he would have a LOT more highly prized artifacts or object that far outshine his current belongings.

There was no doubt that he would never give them back even if he claims that he was just simply borrowing them. In a way that campione is the most troublesome of them all, at least for researchers and owners of valuable items.

I should probably contact Kyousuke-san as soon as possible. In fact's what I'll do right now.

With that goal in mind I turned towards Amakasu Touma, one of my minions...actually my preferred minion in fact.

"Amakasu-san please take care of everything, I have to inform Lord Gilgamesh of the treasures he left behind."

"You just want to shirk your duties don't you." Came Amakasu's deadpan reply to which I replied back with a smile as I gave him a thumbs up before walking away.

Thankfully I wasn't the only one who came here since the existence of so many treasures brought higher executives from different families and branches throughout Japan here no doubt since they want to see it with their own eyes, plus they've seen the battle close up themselves that night when they attended so many of them delayed their trip back.

But I'm getting sidetracked.

So even if Amakasu-san had trouble another executive could take over.

Plus I have a date with a Kaede-san coming up soon. Once I got into the car I started the engine and driving. The ride was nothing special, but I had arrived earlier and had to wait for Kyousuke-san's class to finish.

Now you might think that I would be wisely spending my time going through the paperwork that has been piling up, but nope. That's what minions are for: dumping your work off to them.

So I spent my time texting my female associates, aka date prospects.

Hearing the bell ring, I closed my phone as I exited the car. I leaned against the car so I didn't have to put too much pressure on my legs as I looked for Japan's king.

As I waited I received many stares, well not that it surprised me too much since I've always stood out. It was the same for many members of the Four Families after all we were born of the best and were cultivated to be special.

It was too bad...none of the girls came up to me. I see them giggling as they shyly stared at me but none of them had the courage to come up to me. A pity.

Perhaps I should initiate a conversation?

"Kaoru-san!"

Well too late, since I've already spotted Kyousuke-san coming towards me.

"What are you doing here? Did something happen?! Did another god show up!?"

Seeing Kyousuke-san's panicked face, I guess I understand from his standpoint it must be very annoying for gods to show up.

I shook my head.

"No, I just wanted to inform you about some things concerning the aftermath of the battle."

Seeing my reply Kyousuke-san made a relieved face.

"Kyou-chan! Kyou-chan wait up!"

Hearing a female's voice I twisted my head a bit to look past Kyousuke-san to look at...an average girl. There was no other way I describe her, everything about her screamed average.

Well...dating average girls is good too, after all there could be hidden depths to them.

"Ha? Is this someone you know?"

"Oh! Yeah, you could say that. This here is Sayanomi Kaoru-san"

Kyousuke-san said as he gestured his hand towards me and I smiled.

Hmmm? That's strange, normally the female blushes when I smiled towards them.

"And this is my childhood friend Tamura Manami."

"Hello, n-nice to meet you!"

Tamura-san stuttered a bit as she looked at me. But it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. Well she is Kyousuke-san's friend so she could be in love with Kyousuke-san. It isn't exactly uncommon for the female childhood friend to be love with the hero in animes after all.

"It's a pleasure."

Saying I offered my hand. Manami in response seemed to have panicked for a second before she realized my intentions. Gingerly the girl reached towards my hand with her own, probably still unsure about my intentions, and took it before shaking once and twice.

I smiled and Tamura-san gave a relieved smile as she let go.

"You said that a god didn't show up so why are you here Kaoru-san?"

"God? Kyou-chan?"

"Ah! I-t's..."

Seeing him troubled I decided to help him out.

"It's a secret between me and Kyousuke-san.:

I said as I winked at her while placing a finger in front of my mouth and made a shushing sound.

"S-secret!? Kyou-chan you're not doing anything illegal are you."

"W-why-w-of c-course not! Why would you think of such a thing!"

Well, technically what we are doing isn't illegal since mages and mikos aren't really bound by the normals laws after all, besides Kyousuke-san can be considered the law now. Right, his word is law and his very existence gives him the right to rule over us mortals.

"Mou, Kyou-chan. You're not a very good liar, after all you always tried to live to your own sense of righteousness since a young age. If you don't want to tell me just say so. Besides as long as it isn't illegal or dangerous I'm okay."

"Sorry, sorry. I'm really sorry."

Tamura-san's face was calm and perhaps a hint of anger behind her eyes, but that was it. I don't really see why Kyousuke-san is apologizing so profusely. Perhaps because he is doing something dangerous? It certainly is legal since no law can bind a campione after all.

We bidded goodbye to Tamura-san as we entered the car.

"Wow, Kaoru-san you can drive?"

"Yep. It's really useful for going on dates you know?"

"Really!?"

"Kyousuke-san why do you sound so surprised?"

"Ah, no. It was just that I thought you didn't think you were the type to date guys going by the way you dress."

"Did I ever say I go on dates with guys?"

"Wait you mean you go on dates with girls!?"

Making a shocked face Kyousuke-san's voice almost reached the point of yelling.

"Do they even know you're a girl."

"Of course. I always tell them and they're fine with it."

Hearing that Kyousuke-san gave a sigh in acceptance as he looked away from me and back onto the road. Hmmm Kyousuke-san seems really weak to abnormal things, I wonder what would happen if I told him that I haven't gotten my driver's license yet or...

"Of course unless I forget to tell them...which is half the time..."

Slap...

That was Kyousuke-san's palm meeting his face.

"But, back to the reason I've came here."

Hearing the change of tone, I could see Kyousuke-san look at me with what I would consider his serious face. Nothing like the normal and lazy face I saw when I first met him.

"I was wondering what we should do with the weapons that you left from your battle with Gilgamesh."

"Weapons? Ah, right. I didn't put them back into my treasury."

"Treasury? Could you elaborate?"

I asked.

"Yeah, my Gate of Babylon allows me to access a separate dimension that stores all the world's riches and use them."

"Gate of Babylon?"

"Yeah, that's the name of my authority."

How strange. Normally it would be the Witenagemot's duty to name a campione's authority but Kyousuke already named his? But...

All the world's riches? What does that mean? Wealth? Treasures? Weapons?

"For the sake of my curiosity what does that exactly mean?"

"Hmmm, well I guess you can say I can use anything that Gilgamesh owned during his reign or his legend."

"But why does it have swords then? I mean during our evacuation of the site we discovered weapons that should not have existed back during the Babylonian era."

"I don't really know."

Hearing his reply I sighed a bit. Well it was to be expected, Gilgamesh is shrouded in mystery no thanks to him being the oldest hero and having the oldest epic. Even now the History Compilation Committee could not pinpoint which god he was.

"You said riches does that mean things besides weapons and gold?"

"Yea...I think there's wine...books...well not really books kinda like tablets I guess?"

My eyes widened at the information concerning books, or rather tablets.

"What kind of information does the tablets have?"

I asked, perhaps a bit too eagerly. But I couldn't help myself it would be a huge discovery after all for us modern mages to peek into the past. So many mysteries, ancient technologies, and not to mention magic.

"I...don't really know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"Well there's just so much stuff inside that I can't really remember or know about every single thing."

I raised my eyebrow at this, how much treasure is contained within that dimension? No doubt far more numerous than I could record. Not to mention the fact that Kyousuke-san uses weapons that can injure or perhaps even injure gods as mere arrows and just leaves them there when he's done.

"Back to the main point, what do you want us to do with your weapons?"

"Hmmm, do you want them?"

I almost stomped on the accelerator at his words, thankfully I restrained myself. But...Kyousuke-san just offered them to us like they were nothing! Seriously a normal person would not give such priceless treasures so easily yet Kyousuke-san just nonchalantly asks if I wanted them.

After suppressing my urge to scream yes, I spoke once more.

"Well I do, but there's a problem."

"Problem?"

"Yes, if the History Compilation Committee does accept them Black Prince Alec, the campione of Britain, would probably steal them."

Actually He'd probably take them even if a campione owned them, but that campione would retaliate...maybe. No one knows the thought process of a campione.

"Steal!? Seriously there's such a immoral guy that would just steal things!?"

"Well he claims that he is only borrowing them for research but he never gives them back."

"Why don't I just loan them to you guys then? I mean surely he won't try to steal from another campione. I know the book says that campiones are unruly people but surely he won't steal from another campione?"

He probably would actually.

"By the way Kaoru-san, where are we going?"

I blinked. Now that I think about it, I was just driving towards my date...Kyousuke-san doesn't need to know that.

"I'm driving you home."

"You're going the wrong way."

"..."

Kaoru-san dropped me off at my house. Despite claiming that she got lost, I don't believe her. I mean by the time we realized it she was already stuck in traffic and going in the opposite way of my house.

She must have just forgotten and just drove absentmindedly.

...

I should avoid riding in her car next time.

With a sigh I turned back and walked towards my house.

"I'm home."

I called out but then I remembered that today was Thursday and my parents would not be home until later.

I walked up the stairs to drop off my school bag but...it was unnervingly quiet. For one Kirino was not in the living speaking with her friends on the phone.

That must mean that Kirino would be in her room playing imouto eroge, but ever since I found out about her...hobbies she would be without restraint and make strange noises while playing while I was home and mom and dad were not. Which was why I prefered to stay in the living room them.

"Hey, Kirino are you home?"

I shouted but no one responded.

Reaching the second floor I could see the light shine out from underneath the opening of Kirino's door but still she did not answer.

Walking towards it I knocked twice.

"Hey, Kirino answer me."

A few seconds passed and still no one answered me. Annoyed, I grab the handle, twisted it, and opened the door.

"Hey I know you're in here, the least you could do-"

Whatever I was about to say was caught in my front as I saw the scene before.

Oh, yes the room was still as girly and filled with expensive looking furniture as I remembered.

On the ground sitting was a young looking girl wearing the same uniform as Kirino. The thing that stood out most about her was the cute face along with twin tails tied by two yellow ribbon

Yes, Kirino was in here, but she was standing and frozen with a look of pure fear on her face.

On the ground was a box.

It was opened and filled with doujins and other stuff I didn't know about.

Also Ayase was there holding one of those very doujin with a look that would strike fear into anyone's heart.

Shit

Author's Notes:

*Guinevere refers herself in third person

**Please note that I only done light research on this topic. Classrooms usually elect an activity at an educational standpoint to run a business and most of it are cafe or a haunted, note that I did not add maid, or cosplay. But it is common.

I had to keep going back and rereading Guinevere's and Lancelot's lines! And even then it was hard! Hopefully they were in character enough.

Also as for the chat portion I've purposely did the capital mistakes to give it a more chat like feel. Also can any of you guys confirm their screen names?

On a side note how does Kaoru address Amakasu?

I have a current Idea called the Banquet/Feast of the Kings where Kyousuke invites at least 3 other campiones and it degenerates into a fate where Kyousuke vs the other 3...

This idea is mainly inspired by Iskandar inviting Gilgamesh and Saber into a drink.

So far I was thinking of Salvatore Doni, Luo Hao, and Black Prince Alec mostly because I can see how it would turn into a fight with Black Prince Alec starting it by trying to 'borrow' one of Kyousuke's treasures, Doni joining in just to fight, and Luo Hao getting mad for them ignoring her.

KaiserBlak: It has come to my attention that the fanfiction God Slaying Blade Works has a similar scene. I will admit that I have read the fanfiction, but I stopped at like chapter 7 for whatever reason. I will elaborate where I got this idea from since it was quite ambiguous. It was from one of the episodes of Fate/Zero where Iskander used his Gordon Wheel to go to Saber to have a 'feast' while inviting Gilgamesh. Later it degenerated a bit because Assassin came and Rider killed them ending the feast.