Hey, Mr. Bachelor Man
ONE : The Start of Something Twisted
"So, I switch on the TV right, and there's this group of people living on an island," said Lorelai. "And I was thinking, God, are they revamping Gilligan's Island?"
"Ah, if only." Rory sighed.
"Yeah, but then, wait, I don't remember the people on Gilligan's Island being this annoying, so I said to myself, 'Lorelai, this is not Gilligan's Island 2002'. I mean, I really said those actual words out to myself. Out loud. Nobody was there at the time, so I don't really have proof of this, but you have to take my word for it."
"I usually do."
"Aha, right, so see, I watch it for a few more minutes, and this crazy bunch of nuts all grab these little poles and hike off somewhere, where they sit around a fire, where some other guy, totally hot, by the way, asks them stupid questions like 'So, what is it like living on an island?'"
"Such is the folly of hot guys. Always asking stupid questions."
"Yeah, and if you think that's good," said Lorelai, "I haven't even reached the best part yet. After that, one by one, they all walk to a little camera, and write somebody's name down and say that they're kicking their dehydrated ass off that island because they're a whiny pain in the neck, and of course, no hard feelings."
"Hard feelings are usually never involved when calling one a whiny pain in the neck."
"So, Hot Guy tallies the votes, and I use that term lightly, because, frankly, we all know who's gonna get their sorry butt tossed from that tropical paradise, because, hello, whiny pain in the neck."
"Ah," Rory sighed, "The predictability of prime time television."
"So when Whiny Pain In The Neck finally does get the boot, everybody's like, 'oh, what a hard vote to cast', when really, you know they were skipping their way to that little camera. Add some jump rope a bubbly schoolgirl giggle and you have me in third grade."
"Or you last year at the new Stop Sign unveiling."
"Yes," Lorelai replied, "I don't thinkTaylor was amused."
"Taylor's never amused."
Lorelai pushed open the door to Luke's diner and walked in. She went up to the counter where Luke was. Jess was standing nearby, supposedly helping out. Rory waved at the both of them and went to sit at an empty table.
"One tea please," said Lorelai. "Ha ha ha, oh gosh, I crack myself up."
"Well, that makes one of us."
"Coffee please."
"What if I said no?"
"What if I refused to accept that?"
"What if I told you that I'm not going to give you any coffee until you agree to cut down?"
"What if I told you I'd sooner kill you than have no coffee?"
"What if I told you that if I die, my coffee dies with me?"
"You wouldn't."
"I would."
"You wouldn't."
"I would."
Jess sighed. "Hey, Giggle Twins, people are actually trying to eat here. It would help if you actually stopped invoking sharp pangs of nausea."
"Go to your room, Jess," demanded Luke.
"I thought you wanted me to help."
"I changed my mind. Go to your room and do your homework."
"Well, actually I was supposed to go school, but going to my room works fine with me as well."
"Okay, then go to school."
"What if I refused to accept that?" Jess imitated Lorelai in a mock high-pitched tone. "Would you throw your arms around me and give me a big fat kiss?"
"Hey," said Lorelai. "If you're going to mock me, at least stick to the script."
"Jess," said Luke, his annoyance showing. "Go to school."
"It's still early, but fine. Beats being here with the KC and the Sunshine Band anytime." Jess said and picked up his bag from behind the counter. He waved at Rory and walked out of the diner.
"Sorry about that," said Luke.
"It's okay," said Lorelai, "Give me coffee and all is forgiven. Oh yeah, and Rory probably wants some pancakes."
"You don't?"
"No, I don't. I'm taking your advice, cutting down on all that unhealthy stuff. From now on it's only healthy breakfasts for me. I will have a celery stick, and a leaf of lettuce. Oh, heck, I think I need to lose some weight, so drop the lettuce. Rory, however, that greedy child, wants enough pancakes for two people, and she would prefer it if they came in plates of two, complete with two different sets of cutlery. Some people say she's crazy, but I call her mildly eccentric, as most geniuses are. Like Einstein, or Yoko Ono."
"Your pancakes are on their way."
"Hey, you forgot the coffee," said Lorelai, motioning to the coffee pot he was holding. She rummaged through her handbag and took out a straw. "Leave the pot, I brought my own straw."
"Very amusing," said Luke, as he took out two mugs and poured the hot coffee into them. "And when I'm giving you two cups, I'm expecting you to only have one, and give Rory the other."
"Oh, please," Lorelai responded, "As if I would steal coffee from my own daughter. My very own flesh and blood. I'm almost insulted. I'm going away now."
Lorelai pretended to huff and took her two mugs of coffee back to Rory. Rory took hers gratefully and drank from it immediately.
"The resemblance is uncanny," said Lorelai, before gulping down her own.
"What were you and Luke talking about there, for so long?" asked Rory.
"Nah, just the usual. He accused me of things which are , like only 80% true."
"Well, at least he didn't cross the line and actually say something 85% truthful, because that would really be rude."
"So, Rory, I'm thinking of getting new glasses," said Lorelai, "What do you think… Lisa Loeb glasses : sexy or cruel governess?"
"You don't need new glasses," said Rory. "You just said that so you could bring up Lisa Loeb."
"No, I didn't," Lorelai insisted. "But since you brought her up, I'd really like to say that, when you release a song called "Stay", you are supposed to hang around the industry a little bit."
"I want my pancakes."
"Luke's working on them," said Lorelai, "Did you notice he had a new cap today?"
"No, I didn't."
"He does. It's pink, has a feather and some glitter dust all over it."
"Oh, that isn't new," said Rory. "He's been wearing that for the past week or so. It's been the fad ever since Leonardo DiCaprio wore one."
"Hah, but seriously, he has a new cap," Lorelai said, "Which I find interesting, because can you imagine Luke shopping for caps? What does he do? Turn it backwards and look at it? Does he model them? Ask if he looks fat in them? What?"
"I don't know, Mom," Rory answered, "Popular to contrary belief, I have actually more pressing matters on my mind than how Luke shops for new headgear."
"But how can you not think about it?" Lorelai answered, "Come on. Luke. Shopping. There's a whole sitcom somewhere in there already. I think Jennifer Anniston is attached to star."
"I'm not fond of repetition, but I want my pancakes."
Taylor came into the store, holding a bunch of leaflets. He walked over to Lorelai and Rory and handed them one. "Hi, girls, just thought I'd let you know about this little thing we're having this Sunday."
Lorelai read the leaflet. "Lost cat. You're having one on Sunday? Stir-fried or barbecued?"
"Wrong leaflet," said Taylor, taking it back and handing her a new one.
Rory leaned over to Lorelai and read it out loud. "Stars Hollow's Yearly Bachelor Auction. We have a Yearly Bachelor Auction?"
"It's our first this year," said Taylor. "It's going to be great – all the proceeds will go towards the Stars Hollow Statue Fund."
"Ah, a noble cause indeed," said Lorelai, "Because all the retarded children are just greedy little runts anyway."
"Mom!" said Rory.
"The Stars Hollow Statue Fund is a genuine and…"
"So one of the statues is missing a head," said Lorelai, "Big deal. I say it's kind of artistic, and reminds me of this other Hollow I know … Sleepy."
"Well, Lorelai, as much as the rest of us would love to have our town equated with another that houses a decapitated mass murderer," Taylor said, "The Stars Hollow Statue Fund is what everything is going to, and it would do you good if you supported at least something going on in this town."
"Did you not see me at the stop sign unveiling last year?"
"It's true," said Rory, "She was very in the spirit."
"Well, clearly, I see I'm wasting my time here," said Taylor.
"Oh, come on, Taylor, I was just kidding," Lorelai said. "Please tell me more about this fascinating event that I am dying to be a part of. Which guys are going to be on the market?"
"The list isn't final yet," said Taylor, "But since it's a local thing, they're all going to be from Stars Hollow. I can confidently tell you that yours truly is one of many participating in this event."
"Ah."
"And Kirk."
"Well, if that's the case," said Lorelai, "I don't think I can wait till Sunday. Let's have it right now."
"Actually, Lorelai," said Taylor, who decided to ignore her last comment, "I was hoping for your assistance in one particular matter."
"No, Taylor. I'm not doing my 'I'm a Slave 4 U' performance again. One time is enough."
"Charming really," muttered Taylor under his breath. "What I actually meant, was that if you could get Luke to join in it would really help."
"Luke?" asked Rory.
"Eh?" Lorelai made a weird noise to accentuate her confusion. "Why me?"
"Well, clearly, you're the only one he talks to without barking, or making any other animal noises," said Taylor, "So if anybody can get through to him, it's you."
"I know Luke, Taylor, and he'd rather pawn off his grandmother than participate in any of this kind of events," said Lorelai, "So I think we're both better off saving our breath."
"Oh, but I really want to see Luke at a bachelor auction," said Rory. "I really do. And I'm sure we can raise a pretty penny for that statue fund. I think Miss Patty has been saving long and hard for an event like this."
"He won't do it," said Lorelai. "Although, I must admit, I would really like to see that happening."
"You'll ask him, won't you?" said Taylor. "The thing's on Sunday so if you could work fast it would be great."
"Well, I'll try, Taylor, but no promises," said Lorelai. "And if he bans me from this diner I'm suing you for emotional distress."
"Yeah, yeah," said Taylor. Noticing that Luke was coming out from the back, he decided a hasty retreat was best. "Remember. Sunday."
He left the diner quickly, just as Luke arrived at their table with their pancakes. Lorelai folded the leaflet and slid it into her purse. "Was that Taylor just now?"
"Hmmm?" asked Lorelai.
"Was that Taylor?"
"Who?"
"That man just now, who was at your table. Was that Taylor? What did he want?"
"What did who want?"
"Taylor."
"Taylor was here?"
"Yes, he was I saw him. What did he want?"
"What?"
"What!"
"What?"
"If it's okay with you guys," said Rory, reaching for her cutlery, "I'm starting on my pancakes."
"Go ahead, sweetie," said Lorelai. "We're going to be a while."
"Lorelai, what did Taylor want?"
"Hmm?"
"Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"Luke, your pancakes aren't fluffy enough," said Rory, between bites. "I'm sorry, but it's true."
"Oh, I want to say something, but then it would be too easy," said Lorelai. "Hehe… his pancakes aren't fluffy enough."
Luke glared at Lorelai and Rory. "I think I like the counter better."
"I'm sorry, Luke, come back," called Lorelai dramatically as Luke walked back to the counter. "Don't leave us, damn it! Your daughter wants to know her father!"
"Daddy! Don't you love me anymore?" chimed in Rory.
"Argh, just eat your pancakes, will you?" Luke said, without looking back.
"You think he's annoyed?" Lorelai asked in hushed tones.
"I don't know. He did grunt."
"He always grunts."
"Good point," said Rory. "So, when are you going to ask him about the Bachelor Auction?"
"Ah, about that," Lorelai said, "Just wait and see. The timing has to be absolutely perfect."
"Maybe you should wash your hair."
"I just did. This morning."
"Oh," said Rory, staring at her mother's hair. "Maybe you should wash it again. Split ends."
"No."
"Like the Spice Girls and any marriage in Beverly Hills. Splitsville," said Rory. "So, you going to ask him today?"
"I don't know yet. I have to plan this out meticulously."
"I can't wait."
"Me neither."
* * * to be continued * * *
ONE : The Start of Something Twisted
"So, I switch on the TV right, and there's this group of people living on an island," said Lorelai. "And I was thinking, God, are they revamping Gilligan's Island?"
"Ah, if only." Rory sighed.
"Yeah, but then, wait, I don't remember the people on Gilligan's Island being this annoying, so I said to myself, 'Lorelai, this is not Gilligan's Island 2002'. I mean, I really said those actual words out to myself. Out loud. Nobody was there at the time, so I don't really have proof of this, but you have to take my word for it."
"I usually do."
"Aha, right, so see, I watch it for a few more minutes, and this crazy bunch of nuts all grab these little poles and hike off somewhere, where they sit around a fire, where some other guy, totally hot, by the way, asks them stupid questions like 'So, what is it like living on an island?'"
"Such is the folly of hot guys. Always asking stupid questions."
"Yeah, and if you think that's good," said Lorelai, "I haven't even reached the best part yet. After that, one by one, they all walk to a little camera, and write somebody's name down and say that they're kicking their dehydrated ass off that island because they're a whiny pain in the neck, and of course, no hard feelings."
"Hard feelings are usually never involved when calling one a whiny pain in the neck."
"So, Hot Guy tallies the votes, and I use that term lightly, because, frankly, we all know who's gonna get their sorry butt tossed from that tropical paradise, because, hello, whiny pain in the neck."
"Ah," Rory sighed, "The predictability of prime time television."
"So when Whiny Pain In The Neck finally does get the boot, everybody's like, 'oh, what a hard vote to cast', when really, you know they were skipping their way to that little camera. Add some jump rope a bubbly schoolgirl giggle and you have me in third grade."
"Or you last year at the new Stop Sign unveiling."
"Yes," Lorelai replied, "I don't thinkTaylor was amused."
"Taylor's never amused."
Lorelai pushed open the door to Luke's diner and walked in. She went up to the counter where Luke was. Jess was standing nearby, supposedly helping out. Rory waved at the both of them and went to sit at an empty table.
"One tea please," said Lorelai. "Ha ha ha, oh gosh, I crack myself up."
"Well, that makes one of us."
"Coffee please."
"What if I said no?"
"What if I refused to accept that?"
"What if I told you that I'm not going to give you any coffee until you agree to cut down?"
"What if I told you I'd sooner kill you than have no coffee?"
"What if I told you that if I die, my coffee dies with me?"
"You wouldn't."
"I would."
"You wouldn't."
"I would."
Jess sighed. "Hey, Giggle Twins, people are actually trying to eat here. It would help if you actually stopped invoking sharp pangs of nausea."
"Go to your room, Jess," demanded Luke.
"I thought you wanted me to help."
"I changed my mind. Go to your room and do your homework."
"Well, actually I was supposed to go school, but going to my room works fine with me as well."
"Okay, then go to school."
"What if I refused to accept that?" Jess imitated Lorelai in a mock high-pitched tone. "Would you throw your arms around me and give me a big fat kiss?"
"Hey," said Lorelai. "If you're going to mock me, at least stick to the script."
"Jess," said Luke, his annoyance showing. "Go to school."
"It's still early, but fine. Beats being here with the KC and the Sunshine Band anytime." Jess said and picked up his bag from behind the counter. He waved at Rory and walked out of the diner.
"Sorry about that," said Luke.
"It's okay," said Lorelai, "Give me coffee and all is forgiven. Oh yeah, and Rory probably wants some pancakes."
"You don't?"
"No, I don't. I'm taking your advice, cutting down on all that unhealthy stuff. From now on it's only healthy breakfasts for me. I will have a celery stick, and a leaf of lettuce. Oh, heck, I think I need to lose some weight, so drop the lettuce. Rory, however, that greedy child, wants enough pancakes for two people, and she would prefer it if they came in plates of two, complete with two different sets of cutlery. Some people say she's crazy, but I call her mildly eccentric, as most geniuses are. Like Einstein, or Yoko Ono."
"Your pancakes are on their way."
"Hey, you forgot the coffee," said Lorelai, motioning to the coffee pot he was holding. She rummaged through her handbag and took out a straw. "Leave the pot, I brought my own straw."
"Very amusing," said Luke, as he took out two mugs and poured the hot coffee into them. "And when I'm giving you two cups, I'm expecting you to only have one, and give Rory the other."
"Oh, please," Lorelai responded, "As if I would steal coffee from my own daughter. My very own flesh and blood. I'm almost insulted. I'm going away now."
Lorelai pretended to huff and took her two mugs of coffee back to Rory. Rory took hers gratefully and drank from it immediately.
"The resemblance is uncanny," said Lorelai, before gulping down her own.
"What were you and Luke talking about there, for so long?" asked Rory.
"Nah, just the usual. He accused me of things which are , like only 80% true."
"Well, at least he didn't cross the line and actually say something 85% truthful, because that would really be rude."
"So, Rory, I'm thinking of getting new glasses," said Lorelai, "What do you think… Lisa Loeb glasses : sexy or cruel governess?"
"You don't need new glasses," said Rory. "You just said that so you could bring up Lisa Loeb."
"No, I didn't," Lorelai insisted. "But since you brought her up, I'd really like to say that, when you release a song called "Stay", you are supposed to hang around the industry a little bit."
"I want my pancakes."
"Luke's working on them," said Lorelai, "Did you notice he had a new cap today?"
"No, I didn't."
"He does. It's pink, has a feather and some glitter dust all over it."
"Oh, that isn't new," said Rory. "He's been wearing that for the past week or so. It's been the fad ever since Leonardo DiCaprio wore one."
"Hah, but seriously, he has a new cap," Lorelai said, "Which I find interesting, because can you imagine Luke shopping for caps? What does he do? Turn it backwards and look at it? Does he model them? Ask if he looks fat in them? What?"
"I don't know, Mom," Rory answered, "Popular to contrary belief, I have actually more pressing matters on my mind than how Luke shops for new headgear."
"But how can you not think about it?" Lorelai answered, "Come on. Luke. Shopping. There's a whole sitcom somewhere in there already. I think Jennifer Anniston is attached to star."
"I'm not fond of repetition, but I want my pancakes."
Taylor came into the store, holding a bunch of leaflets. He walked over to Lorelai and Rory and handed them one. "Hi, girls, just thought I'd let you know about this little thing we're having this Sunday."
Lorelai read the leaflet. "Lost cat. You're having one on Sunday? Stir-fried or barbecued?"
"Wrong leaflet," said Taylor, taking it back and handing her a new one.
Rory leaned over to Lorelai and read it out loud. "Stars Hollow's Yearly Bachelor Auction. We have a Yearly Bachelor Auction?"
"It's our first this year," said Taylor. "It's going to be great – all the proceeds will go towards the Stars Hollow Statue Fund."
"Ah, a noble cause indeed," said Lorelai, "Because all the retarded children are just greedy little runts anyway."
"Mom!" said Rory.
"The Stars Hollow Statue Fund is a genuine and…"
"So one of the statues is missing a head," said Lorelai, "Big deal. I say it's kind of artistic, and reminds me of this other Hollow I know … Sleepy."
"Well, Lorelai, as much as the rest of us would love to have our town equated with another that houses a decapitated mass murderer," Taylor said, "The Stars Hollow Statue Fund is what everything is going to, and it would do you good if you supported at least something going on in this town."
"Did you not see me at the stop sign unveiling last year?"
"It's true," said Rory, "She was very in the spirit."
"Well, clearly, I see I'm wasting my time here," said Taylor.
"Oh, come on, Taylor, I was just kidding," Lorelai said. "Please tell me more about this fascinating event that I am dying to be a part of. Which guys are going to be on the market?"
"The list isn't final yet," said Taylor, "But since it's a local thing, they're all going to be from Stars Hollow. I can confidently tell you that yours truly is one of many participating in this event."
"Ah."
"And Kirk."
"Well, if that's the case," said Lorelai, "I don't think I can wait till Sunday. Let's have it right now."
"Actually, Lorelai," said Taylor, who decided to ignore her last comment, "I was hoping for your assistance in one particular matter."
"No, Taylor. I'm not doing my 'I'm a Slave 4 U' performance again. One time is enough."
"Charming really," muttered Taylor under his breath. "What I actually meant, was that if you could get Luke to join in it would really help."
"Luke?" asked Rory.
"Eh?" Lorelai made a weird noise to accentuate her confusion. "Why me?"
"Well, clearly, you're the only one he talks to without barking, or making any other animal noises," said Taylor, "So if anybody can get through to him, it's you."
"I know Luke, Taylor, and he'd rather pawn off his grandmother than participate in any of this kind of events," said Lorelai, "So I think we're both better off saving our breath."
"Oh, but I really want to see Luke at a bachelor auction," said Rory. "I really do. And I'm sure we can raise a pretty penny for that statue fund. I think Miss Patty has been saving long and hard for an event like this."
"He won't do it," said Lorelai. "Although, I must admit, I would really like to see that happening."
"You'll ask him, won't you?" said Taylor. "The thing's on Sunday so if you could work fast it would be great."
"Well, I'll try, Taylor, but no promises," said Lorelai. "And if he bans me from this diner I'm suing you for emotional distress."
"Yeah, yeah," said Taylor. Noticing that Luke was coming out from the back, he decided a hasty retreat was best. "Remember. Sunday."
He left the diner quickly, just as Luke arrived at their table with their pancakes. Lorelai folded the leaflet and slid it into her purse. "Was that Taylor just now?"
"Hmmm?" asked Lorelai.
"Was that Taylor?"
"Who?"
"That man just now, who was at your table. Was that Taylor? What did he want?"
"What did who want?"
"Taylor."
"Taylor was here?"
"Yes, he was I saw him. What did he want?"
"What?"
"What!"
"What?"
"If it's okay with you guys," said Rory, reaching for her cutlery, "I'm starting on my pancakes."
"Go ahead, sweetie," said Lorelai. "We're going to be a while."
"Lorelai, what did Taylor want?"
"Hmm?"
"Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"Luke, your pancakes aren't fluffy enough," said Rory, between bites. "I'm sorry, but it's true."
"Oh, I want to say something, but then it would be too easy," said Lorelai. "Hehe… his pancakes aren't fluffy enough."
Luke glared at Lorelai and Rory. "I think I like the counter better."
"I'm sorry, Luke, come back," called Lorelai dramatically as Luke walked back to the counter. "Don't leave us, damn it! Your daughter wants to know her father!"
"Daddy! Don't you love me anymore?" chimed in Rory.
"Argh, just eat your pancakes, will you?" Luke said, without looking back.
"You think he's annoyed?" Lorelai asked in hushed tones.
"I don't know. He did grunt."
"He always grunts."
"Good point," said Rory. "So, when are you going to ask him about the Bachelor Auction?"
"Ah, about that," Lorelai said, "Just wait and see. The timing has to be absolutely perfect."
"Maybe you should wash your hair."
"I just did. This morning."
"Oh," said Rory, staring at her mother's hair. "Maybe you should wash it again. Split ends."
"No."
"Like the Spice Girls and any marriage in Beverly Hills. Splitsville," said Rory. "So, you going to ask him today?"
"I don't know yet. I have to plan this out meticulously."
"I can't wait."
"Me neither."
* * * to be continued * * *