Quick explanation: each chapter will be a small scene from one of the books (usually the annual battle with Voldemort) that has been edited *cough*mangled*cough* a bit. None of the chapters will be related unless it blatantly says so, and the chapters will not be in any particular order.

Rating: T for swearing and other stuff that may not be suitable for children.

Warnings: nothing particularly explicit, minor blood in the Goblet of Fire chapters. If you have any triggers that you would like to be warned about, please message me and I will give you a list of any chapters that you may want to avoid.

Disclaimer: if I wrote Harry Potter, one of these alternate scenes might have actually happened. That would have been unbelievably, hilariously bad.

In Which Gingers Have No Souls

Harry walked into the Chamber of Secrets, staring around the room in awe. Or at least, Tom Riddle thought that expression was awe, but let's face it: he's not the best judge of emotion. Therefore, when the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-A-Parselmouth looked around and stated bluntly, "It smells like sewers down here," no one should have been surprised.

After recovering from being caught off guard by that statement, Tommy-boy pretended Harry hadn't spoken at all and gestured dramatically at the unconscious Ginger by his feet. "It's pointless to try to save her, you know. I'm stealing her magi-"

"Don't care."

"-c. Wait. What?"

"Nope, she stole my favorite quill last week. The bitch can fend for herself. I only came down here because Myrtle's a creepy stalker and I don't want to find out if it's possible to have half-ghost babies." And with that, The-Boy-Who-Should-Thank-Merlin-That-Ghosts-Can't-Touch-The-Living shuddered in horror before waving cheerfully and turning to go explore more of the tunnels.

The Riddler just waved back dazedly.

And so it was that Tom Riddle's diary sucked out all of Ginny's magic, but the girl didn't have enough magic in her to give Tommykins an actual, real body (obviously because gingers have no souls), so he was stuck moping in the Chamber like a loser, with only a batshit insane Basilisk for company. He eventually left the Chamber and personally handed the diary to a thoroughly bewildered Dumbledore.

Have you ever tried playing wizard chess against a thousand-year-old snake? I thought not.