She had definitely changed, of that she was certain. She rarely left the house and if she did, it was to go see her mum or to sit in her car at the beach so she could keep an eye on Deeks when he surfed. They were partners and she had to have his back somehow. Her dinners were mainly take-aways and were delivered on a daily basis; her food, drinks and other essentials were ordered online and delivered too otherwise she got her mum to buy them and she'd pick them up when she went round.

She found it strange how the closest person in her life now was her mother. She used to the hate the woman, then she tolerated her, then she grew close to her but it still wasn't like the bond that they should've had; now… well, now she knew that her mum was the only person who hadn't seen what she'd been like before being rescued as well as after. She wouldn't look at her as if she was weak.

She missed the team but she preferred not being looked at as if she was about to break. Even though she was. Because she was broken. And no matter how many king's horses and the king's men were there, they couldn't put her together again. It just wasn't possible. She knew what they would say or do; Callen would welcome her back in the morning with a smile and a soft hug but would stare at her with a calculating look for the rest of the day whilst Sam would smile, hug her, ask if she was okay and accept her answer because he didn't think that she could lie to him.

She could totally lie to him. Just not very well.

Nell would embrace her immediately, hold her in a death-like grip and speak to her as if she'd only had one day off because of a sore throat instead of months. Eric would awkwardly hug her, pat her on the back and try to cover the awkwardness by making some comment that was even more awkward.

Deeks was the game breaker.

He'd probably act like she did when the situations were reversed; the use of the word 'probably' because she actually didn't know what he would do. Events like these change people and with the fact that he was her partner, it changes. Dynamics and actions changed when he'd been tortured and she'd only just figured him out. He could pester her sporadically throughout the day until she gave in and let everything out or he could sit there, welcome her back like the others and act cool with her but follow her home and sit next to her on the couch so he could chase away the demons.

Granger would inform Hetty and Callen that she wasn't ready to come back before nodding at her and walk away.

Hetty would call in Nate. Oh God. With Nate on the scene and his all-knowing gaze, she'd have no chance of being allowed back on the team immediately. She was too dangerous with a gun and she was getting no rest which only made her actions more unpredictable and dangerous. She would be a loose cannon if let back on the team any time soon.

Time to work on her undercover face.

Nightmares were horrible things. They weren't unusual in her line of work but they were definitely unwanted. How could one ever pretend that they were normal when they were constantly reminded of the events that shattered them in the first place? She had to buy her food pre-chopped because she struggled to handle knives without imagining the feel of them going through her skin - her dad's knife was still with Deeks which meant that it was safe. Her lighting was now all electronic; before she could enjoy a good scented candle and allow the relaxing aroma to calm her, now she could only picture the flames as they danced and licked against her skin.

She couldn't even watch and enjoy Titanic anymore though that was more to do with the fact that she considered herself to be like Jack where he went down and never came back. Pretty much like the Kensi that went to Afghanistan - she never came back.

"How is she?" Callen asked as they sat down in the bullpen doing paperwork, looking at Deeks who was staring down at his own files as if they were so interesting and he was riveted. Which they knew he wasn't. "Deeks. How's Kensi?"

The recently turned agent sighed and rubbed his temples. "I don't know. I don't even know what to do with her, how much time to give her, how to get her to open up with me."

"Be yourself," Sam answered, not looking up from the laptop. "You two are complete opposites but it works. When she would talk to you calmly and seriously, you in turn would talk to her immaturely. When she wants to stay at home and watch Titanic, you would manage to get her out to the beach so you could teach her how to surf. Not many people could even talk to her like a five year old and live to tell the tale; just go to her and let your body do what feels natural."

Deeks was silent for a moment before nodding, running a hand through his already messy hair. "Okay, yeah that sounds like a good idea."

"So you'll go see her tonight?" Callen questioned, picking his pen up and turning back to his work otherwise Hetty would have him doing extras.

"Nope. Tomorrow."

The light on her television flickered, the little red power button bright in the darkness of her living room. On, off. On, off. On, off. Princess. On, off. On, off. Screams and laughter. On, off. On, off. Was that a camera recording her?

The door knocking broke her out of her nightmare. Now even mundane things as a television were bringing her back to the hell-hole that she would never escape from. She remained on the couch, catching her breath and sweat making her palms sticky. The knocking continued and her breath sped up, her heart raced and she fumbled for her gun before walking to the door and checking the peephole. She relaxed. Barely.

"Hey," Deeks said softly, once the door was opened. He was smiling and holding up a bag of food. "I brought dinner." He stepped in and noticed the mess and overall dinginess of her apartment and winced at the familiarity. "Who were you expecting?" He asked when he eyed her gun and cursed himself for asking when he saw her shoulders stiffen and her back straighten. "Sorry."

"What are you doing here Deeks?"

"I came to see you, get you food, check you were okay and so on." He looked around the room, trying to find a place to rest the food before carrying it with him to the kitchen to get cutlery. Or wash some up.

"I'm good." He didn't believe her. She didn't believe herself.

"Good. That's good. I'm good too, now we're going to sit and i'm going to turn the TV on-"

"NO!" she shouted loudly, her hands shaking. He stopped moving and slowly walked into the living room, eyeing her as she stood there shaking, her hands clenched in her hair. "I mean, i don't really fancy it."

"Kens-"

"It was nothing Deeks. Nothing." He looked at her for a few more seconds before turning to the TV, trying to see if there was anything wrong with it to lead to such a reaction. He couldn't find anything. Then again, his torturous event hadn't been as long as hers and who knew what else went on with her on or off camera. "Let's just eat, yeah?"

"Sure."

The red light flickered on the television, hinting that it was close to breaking and he should probably make sure she got a new one. It reminded him of a camera recording.

It was two am, she'd just fallen asleep and he'd just woken up; his gut was telling him that he had to be awake and ready, a sense of unease flittering through him. Whimpers were the first sound to reach him. Then her groans of muffled pain before a cry broke through and escalated into a scream.

"Kens, wake up! It's not real Kensi, please, come to me," he tried to soothe but really, she was deep into the nightmare and he knew from experience that the only thing that could wake her up now would be the overload of memory pain that she'd experience; when it got too much, she'd wake.

Then she'd brush it off like nothing was wrong and he had to be there to assure her that it was okay to have the nightmares and to promise her that he'd always be there.

"Nate, it's me, Deeks," he said over the phone once he arrived at work the next day. "She's going to need you. Soon."

I'm temporarily back. This is such a dark story and i need to be in the right mindset when writing this otherwise it could be nothing compared to how it has been so that's one reason for the delay. Others would be that i've had other stories creep up and take over my mind and forums that i'm a part of too.