Prompt Four: Arthur and Merlin

Arthur and Merlin's internal monologue during Arthur's death. This takes place in the canon-verse.

Why Arthur didn't say 'I Love You...'

Arthur and Merlin

"I want to say… something I've never said to you before…"

Merlin's heart froze.

Was he really going to say it?

After all these years, was he really going to hear those words come out of Arthur's mouth? Arthur had never been good at expressing his feelings. He was emotionally stunted, as Merlin called it, unable to voice a heartfelt sentiment without following it up with an insult. Merlin knew how he truly felt, of course. He always had. But it would be nice to hear the words. Plain and simple. No teasing, no banter… just the three simple words.

Was he really going to say them? And more importantly, did Merlin actually want to hear them?

Merlin clutched Arthur tighter in his arms; desperately, longingly. Unwilling to let go.

He couldn't die. Not now. Everything was over now. They were finally at peace. Morgana and all her allies were dead, Arthur knew about his magic. Everything was the way the way it was meant to be.

What kind of cruel universe would take Arthur from him now?

He wanted to hear the words.

It wasn't that he needed reassurance… he knew how much Arthur cared for him. Everyone did. And it wasn't just the way he constantly went to great lengths to save Merlin's life and the things he said either. It was the way he looked at him, his eyes so full of endearment. The way he'd gently tap his back or tenderly muss his hair. Looking down at him now, Merlin could see his own feelings for the king mirrored in those large, azure eyes.

But to hear the words…

Merlin couldn't remember the one time Arthur had hugged him. He had tried and tried, but all he had was the memory of Gwaine telling him about it. "They way he hugged you!" The knight had said, shaking his shaggy hair. "It was like he never wanted to let you go."

But Merlin didn't remember. He couldn't remember.

It hurt.

That's why he needed him to say it… he needed something to cling on to. To remember.

To hear those three beautiful words emerging from those beautiful lips in that beautiful voice… it could keep him going. For however long he needed to keep on going without his other half.

But then again… did he really need to hear it? Here was Arthur, in his arms, looking up at him with intense respect and affection. For the first time in his life, Arthur had understood everything. Everything that Merlin had done

I don't want you to change.

It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to him. Arthur could have said don't forget me, or take care of our kingdom but he didn't. All he wanted was for Merlin to stay the exact same way he had always been because he loved him just the way he was.

Merlin pushed the golden hair from the man's eyes. Eyes that held a look of unadulterated adoration. Things felt different, somehow, now that Arthur knew. But that look was the same as before.

Arthur's feelings for him hadn't changed since his revelation, they had just grown stronger.

That look made Merlin realize that despite all that he had suffered, he would do it again in a heartbeat. If only to live another life with Arthur.

And just for a moment they weren't the king and his servant, or the uniter of Albion and the greatest sorcerer to walk the earth. They were just Arthur and Merlin. Together in their own little world… with no lies.

Just the two of them and their love for each other.

And in his last moment Arthur's full attention was on him.

The king wasn't asking him to take a message back to his knights, or telling him to protect Gwen. He was just lying there, searching for the words, staring back into Merlin's eyes.

His words from before still echoed in his mind.

Just hold me… please

And that was what he was going to do.

He was going to be the last person to hold Arthur in his arms. He was going to see the light go out of those beautiful blue eyes and hear the last gasp of that precious breath.

It hurt.

It hurt more than anything Merlin could even begin to imagine.

But it said I love you louder than any words ever could.

I love you, Arthur wanted to say. I love you so much. I would rather be stabbed a thousand more times than ever leave you.

But he couldn't say it. That was selfish.

Who knew when Merlin was going to die? It could be tomorrow, or it could be in a another hundred years. And Arthur couldn't bear the idea of him still alive and hurting, wishing that things could have played out another way.

He didn't have the right to tell him that he loved him and then die. To indicate that they could have had something more and then shut the door.

No, it was selfish.

Arthur wanted to profess his feelings because he had been dying to do so for years. For as long as he could remember, really. But now that he was literally dying he couldn't say it. It was too late. He'd missed his chance.

Saying it now was just going to insure Merlin would suffer. And he wasn't going to let Merlin suffer. Not if he could help it.

But he had to say something.

He had to let him know how he felt, if only to make him understand just how much he cared about him. But Arthur barely had the breath to say another word, let alone express the full extent of his love.

How could he tell Merlin that he was just half a man when he met him?

How could he tell him that he would have had an empty life without him? That he completed him?

That he was glad he was the one dying, because he knew he wouldn't be able to bear a single day without him?

Arthur was weak. He had always been weak. His whole life, he had been conflicted and doubtful and flawed. He would have been nothing without Merlin by his side, holding him up, giving him the confidence he needed. It was always Merlin that made him realize what he had to do. The right thing to do. What would he have done without him?

Arthur used all his strength to lift his hand and gently cup the back of Merlin's head, wishing he wasn't wearing his gloves so he could feel that inky black hair on his fingertips. He wanted nothing more than to guide the man's face towards his, to die with the feel of Merlin's lips against his own.

But that was selfish too.

If Arthur were in Merlin's place he would be destroyed to be given something and have it brutally ripped away the very next second. It was perfect for Arthur, he would die with that feeling. But Merlin… Merlin would go on living. Suffering. Miserable and yearning and terrified of forgetting.

No. He couldn't have that.

Arthur knew, without a doubt, that Merlin was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He knew even before he found out the full extent of the things he'd done. He was the one person who hadn't betrayed him or hurt him. The one person whose love for him had been so pure that when Arthur thought about it, his heart hurt more than the piece of sword imbedded in his chest.

Arthur was only half a person without Merlin. He didn't want to leave him.

He had to say something.

He needed to say something that helped him express how he felt without hinting that they could have been something more. What they had was perfect and pure, and Arthur was the luckiest man on earth to have had it.

And he was going to acknowledge it.

Then he knew what he had to say.

He had said it before, but it meant something different now... and he hoped that Merlin would understand the true meaning of the words.

"Thank you."

Two hearts stopped. One forever.