The Pirate Queen

By: Calypso

SG1 gate to a planet where Jack is captured by a band of pirates whose leader looks mysteriously like Sam. Trouble insues when the Pirates mistake him for the commander of the royal fleet commissioned to track them down. (As usual Danny is dead but still around.) S/J...sort of

AN: Yeah I know, I really should finish my other fic first, but I just got the idea for this one as I was writing the first chapter of Amalgam so I figured I might as well post it. Tell me what you think. Oh - and in case you're wondering why this is labeled humor, you'll find the joke at the end of this story.

*~*~*

"Whoa…"

"Ahh…"

"Sir!"

"Jonas Quinn be careful!"

These were the reactions of SG -1 as they walked out from the event horizon on PX1 -371 - and almost straight off a cliff. The Stargate on this planet, which happened to be located in the mouth of a cave, was about three feet away from a vertical drop onto some rather sharp rocks protruding from an expanse of what seemed to be a sea of purple water.

"Sorry Teal'c." Jonas gave a half-apologetic grin as he backed away from the big Jaffa. Colonel O ' Neil was doing the same by Major Carter after having nearly knocked her over when he himself had come out of the Stargate.

"Hey, is it just me or is that water purple?" A master of the obvious, Jack stated what the others had already noticed. Walking dangerously close to the edge, Jonas squatted down and looked over the edge, smiling in the goofy way he tended too when he discovered something new. Sam too, tried to gain a better vantagepoint as she leaned out of the cave mouth.

"Well it can't be a light reflection, the sky here's blue. Maybe it's a reaction in the molecular structure?" The two began an animated discussion of what might cause water to be purple and while Jack soon found himself completely lost, Teal'c seemed to be very interested and began adding his own thoughts to the matter. The three were soon discussing some of the folk lure Teal'c had read in a book he found at Daniel's and the conversation drifted between the scientific implications and the cultural ones.

"I'm uh… just going to go check out the rest of this cave." Jack slowly backed away from his three teammates, his only acknowledgement having been a rather automated 'yes sir' coming from Carter. Knew I shoulda paid more attention in those danged earth science classes.

As he walked deeper into the cave, Jack let out a sigh that could only be considered 'resigned'. It wasn't that he regretted the direction he'd taken in life, it was just that it tended to be rather easy to feel left out when the other members of his team went off on some scientific tangent, especially Carter. That just hurt. Not paying attention to where he was going Jack didn't notice the terrain he was walking on; not that he would've seen much in the dim lighting anyway. Unfortunately, his lack of concentration caused him to step and before he knew it he was falling through space. Aw Crap.

***

"What the hell is he doing here?" The first thing Jack heard when his mind swam back to conciseness was a woman's voice. It sounded distant, but from he hand on his uniform, he figured that she couldn't be that far away. "And what the fuck is he wearing." Oh, natives. Jack's mind processed his thoughts, but it couldn't seem to force his eyes open.

"I don't know. The Captain won't be pleased that he got here before us though. In fact, if I had my guess? I'd say that he's gonna be in for a hell'uva painful welcome." This time the voice was closer than the last one. Wonder who they're talking about. He thought. After all, it couldn't be him, he hadn't been on the planet long enough for anyone to know him.

"Ugh." No realizing that he'd groaned out loud, Jack kept his eyes closed and was surprised when he heard a woman snicker in reply.

"Look's like he's up after all." The woman who's hand was on his shoulder was speaking to her companion, but now she spoke to him as she patted his shoulder. "Rise and Shine Commander, no use pretending to be unconscious now." Jack forced his eyes open, groaning as they focused in the darkness of the cave.

"That's Colonel to you!" The woman standing a distance away, the one he couldn't see, laughed.

"Looks like he hit his head harder than we thought." Looking up, Jack realized that the woman leaning over him couldn't have been more than thirty despite her oddly platinum white hair. She sent her companion a disapproving glance before focusing her eyes on him.

"Can you walk?" Jack nodded, though he wasn't really sure if he could even stand up. Where the hell is Carter? For the first time, his team came to mind and he began to worry slightly. Quickly glancing around he realized that his pack and his weapons were no where around though he still wore his BDU's. "Then you'd better get up cuz I'm not carrying you." Jack got up, he figured that if it came to it, he had a better chance of fighting if he was on his feet than on his back.

Once on his feet, Jack realized two things, the first was that the woman who had been ordering him around was barely five feet. The second was that there were more than just two women in the cave, Standing on ledges were three men, one who held a torch and two with their weapons aimed at him. At first glance the weapons looked like crossbows - or would have if the arrow shafts hadn't been glowing blue. "So - do we know each other?" Jack spoke in as sarcastic a tone as he dared, wagging his eyebrows as he did so.

"Shut up and move Commander, I'm not in the mood for you're humor." The last word was practically spat at him, and she too raised a weapon to him. Fierce little bugger, Jack thought, seems like she's used to authority - wonder who she thinks I am. The platinum haired woman gave him a shove, causing him to stumble slightly, muttering under his breath Jack walked as she directed him, two of her men falling in behind her, all three weapons trained on him. "I wouldn't try anything if I were you. However close your men may be, ours are closer."

At the mention of 'his men' Jack wondered what had happened to his team. Surely they wouldn't just leave him? On the other hand, he had gone off into the caves without telling him, maybe they'd searched for him while he blacked out and than gated back to the SGC to get backup when they couldn't find him. No… Carter and Teal'c wouldn't just leave the planet without me.

Jack thought hard about SG 1 as they marched relentlessly through tunnels that never seemed to end, at last it began to grow light again and he could hear the roar of the sea. "Simon, Lurake, James, get over here!" As they reached the mouth of the cave, three more men appeared - all of them were armed. When they saw him, all of their eyes got wide, and one began to grin in a way that reminded Jack of Jonas.

"Well would ya look at what Kat dragged in." The man gave a mock salute to him, "Good to see you again Commander - though I gotta say I'm glad those two goons a yur's ain't witchea." The man spoke with the broad tones of a peasant and rolled his 'r's strangely.

"Nice to see you to." Jack reached a hand forward to pat the man on the back - if somewhat scurrilously, however, he immediately felt Kat's crossbow at the back of his skull.

"Don't even move." Jack shrugged and walked forward, immediately finding himself kicked to his knees from behind - were he not so outnumbered, he would've struck the platinum haired woman for that. "I told you not to move. Now, if you want to walk you'll get up and walk where I tell you to - got it?" Jack nodded silently, forcing himself to bite his tongue. "Now turn to your left and keep moving until I tell you to stop."

Repressing a sigh, Jack did as he was told, coming to a stop about four feet away from a red haired woman surrounded by numerous guards. The woman had her back to him, from where he stood Jack could only tell that she had straight red hair worn in a half ponytail and that she was dressed as the others were in a white shirt and tan colored pants under a brown leather tunic. At her waist was a black leather belt, from it hung a sword whose hilt was inlayed with Sapphires.

"Captain!" The platinum haired woman Kat, he reminded himself, called out to her captain who immediately turned. When she saw him, her face took on a rather predatory look, a sardonic half smile touching the edge of her mouth, laughter dancing in her turquoise eyes. As she drew closer, Jack felt his draw dropping. Carter? His brain immediately recognized the impossibility of her being Sam, but the resemblance was still uncanny. Seeing his mouth open and close a few, the Captain began to laugh gaily.

"Commander Jonathan! You seem surprised to see me." She walked around him in a circle; Jack didn't bother trying not to follow her with his eyes. "Did you really think I'd allow someone else the pleasure of capturing you? Though I'll admit that this honor was rightly Kat's." When he didn't reply, she simply turned to Kat. "Where are the rest of his men?"

Kat shrugged, as always giving an honest answer. "I don't know ma'am. We found him unconscious in one of the caves, I think he hit his head." The Captains suddenly narrowed, turning to him in a suspicious glare.

"You're certain you weren't followed?" Kat nodded, it was impossible for them to have been followed, and any footsteps other than their own would've been heard in the tunnels.

"Yes Ma'am." The captain took this in, tilting her head slightly as she decided her next move. Jack took this opportunity to roll his eyes and speak up.

"Oh for crying out load. What the hell is this? And why does everyone keep on calling me Cdr.? My rank is COLONEL. You of all people should know that Carter." Jack used his usual hand gestures as they spoke, realizing that this woman before him wasn't Sam, but using her name none the less.

"You must have hit your head pretty hard. My names Mi'Yana not Carter." She turned her back to him, issuing orders at the top of her voice. "Mr. Johnston, load up the ship. Lurke, Simon, recall the other scouting parties - we're raising Anchor in an hour." Looking back towards him she gave him a once over than continued shouting out orders. "James, Nicria escort the Cdr. Here to the brig, see to it that Dr. Freya takes a look at that head wound of his." As they began drag him off, Jack finally rebelled, suddenly realizing that they intended to drag him aboard a ship and sail away.

"Anise? What the hell is this?" He struggled with his captors, easily bringing them both to the ground. Unfortunately, this caused Kat, who was still standing behind him to loosen one of her blue arrows into his back and for the second time that day Jack's world went black.

***

Feel free to alert me to any typos. I write fairly fast, but unfortunately not faster than I think, which occasionally results in the omission of whole words. Hope you like it enough to review… that is if you want the next chapter.