Disclaimer: If you think I'm sane, you belong in a padded cell.

While I'm very happy that Nar/Hin is the official pairing, am I the only one who thinks it would have been funny if Kishimoto shitted on all of the shippers, and gave Naruto a harem, or had him end up with Hinata and Sakura, or even someone completely random like Maki?

You know, I wonder, given what he did with Gai and Kakashi, could NaruJesus return life to someone resurrected with Edo-Tensei? After all, he rebuilt Kakashi's original eye, could he rebuild the cells of the body, and revive it with the Sage powers?

You know something that's pissed me off about Naruto. How is it that so many people know so much about the Uzumaki Clan, and yet no one has deemed it a good idea to tell Naruto about his mother at least? And this is even after he learned who his father was.

And last but not least.

Okay, I finally saw Road to Ninja, and I'm glad I did. First and foremost, Hinata, yummy. Second, I'm glad I was able to clarify what Menma actually looked like. When I saw some pictures of an unmasked Menma on the Naruto wiki- which I admit weren't very good facial shots- I was disturbed at the fact that Menma looked nothing like Naruto, and I didn't mean twin style, I mean he didn't look like he was even Minato's son, but more like Kushina got knocked up by an Uchiha? Hell from the pictures I saw, I thought that Menma was pretty much Sasuke with Naruto's whisker marks in appearance? Luckily I saw the movie- and again, Hinata yummy- and was able to actually see his face. Almost scared me for a second, even if he did still kind of give off that Sasuke with whisker marks vibe.

Well, on with the show.

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Time, as it is prone to doing, passed by in Konoha. Before anyone realized it, Tsunade had been the Hokage for going on a month and a half, and things were mostly back to business as usual for the village's citizens. Life moved on, and after recovering from the attack, Konoha once again began to prosper. It was around this time, however, that a very interesting set of events began to take place. Events that would shape and change the lives of several people.

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Dreams and nightmares are a connection to the unconscious mind, and can be heavily influenced by aspects of our daily lives. Freud believed that they were manifestations of our deepest fears, anxieties, or desires; things we often weren't even willing to admit to ourselves. For a kid like Sasuke Uchiha, his life had afforded him a couple of severely traumatic events that could come back and haunt ones dreams with a vengeance that could equal the obsession of even the doushy canon version of himself that we've had to watch bitch and moan about his tragic life for several hundred chapters.

One of those events was the massacre of his clan. Having come home to find the bodies of his clan, and blood decorating the district like some horror movie set was severely disturbing to an eight year old. Then, to witness his dear elder brother murder their parents in cold blood...that had already been more than the child could handle. For his brother to then place him under a genjutsu that made him relive the entire decimation of their extended family, that was well beyond what he could deal with. That event alone had plagued him with nightmares for years until he'd become obsessed with avenging his clan. Sure, hitting Itachi with that prank jutsu had been a memory that he would savor- especially thanks to his activated Sharingan- it hadn't been quite enough to quench his desire to see Itachi pay for what he'd done; although it did greatly dampen his obsession to more normal levels of extreme dislike.

Another set of mildly traumatic events in his life revolved around some of his bolder, more rabid fangirls- and he could only thank Kami that they were civilian, as Ino and Sakura would have had much more success using the tactics those other girls had employed- but those weren't quite enough to really have an effect on the plot. Besides, even Sasuke had to admit that that one time he'd Henge'd into Naruto to repay a prank, he'd kind of enjoyed that tongue, sucking, and teeth thing that woman with the purple marks on her cheeks had done to his ear before she stuck her hand down his pants, growled in disappointment, and then ran off (1). Hell, if he were honest, he'd have probably really liked that part if he'd been a few years older, rather than a still sexually innocent ten.

Anyway, of the other relevant events in his life, the only other ones that even came close to the massacre, had been associated with a certain...fecal, jutsu. While his first experience with the rectum mutilating jutsu had been fairly traumatic- after all, a face full of fecal sludge that couldn't be repressed was horrific- it wasn't the worst incident. No, while suitably mind scarring, the worst incident was seeing Naruto repeatedly sending invaders flying through the air to their deaths with shit streaks trailing behind them like comets. Speaking of...

'Note to self, repress any and all attraction and interest in Naruto's girlfriends until it no longer exists.'

Unfortunately for the young Uchiha, his subconscious decided to take his two greatest fears, even if he refused to admit to the latter being one, and fuse them into one horrific night terror. It would be a nightmare that had a major impact on his life.

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Sasuke had just arrived home from his shuriken prac...ahem...training, his shuriken training, to a sense of deep foreboding. However, this time, for some reason he was self-aware, and knew what was coming as he ran through the district gates. Sadly, that awareness did not mean that he had control of his body; which really sucked, especially in pervy dreams like the ones he'd recently started having about the new Hokage. When the shadow of his brother caused by the moon draped over him, he looked up, and could still feel the shock and uneasiness that came with seeing his brother's shadowed, moonlit silhouette perched atop that utility pole. Regardless of how badass he was forced to admit the sight looked, the uneasy feeling from both the dream and his past experience grew stronger as his body moved.

Steeling himself for what he knew he would find when his dream self rounded the corner, Sasuke actually found himself shocked at the sight that awaited him. Just like he remembered, the bodies of his clansmen were laying all about, but there was a much more horrifying addition to the sight in front of his eyes.

Brown stains.

Where before there had been streaks and splatters of blood covering every available surface, and Uchiha lying dead in pools of blood, this time there was something much worse. The streaks and splatters smearing nearly every surface his eye came across were brown. The pools surrounding the dead bodies were of a thick, brown liquid with streaks of blood mixed in, and focused beneath the pelvic areas of the bodies. These pools were also accompanied by brown stains in the rears of the pants of the deceased. About the only saving grace was that the accompanying smell from so much feces was absent.

As the small body he was occupying ran to the home it shared with its Mother (2), father, and brother, Sasuke dreaded what he would find. When his younger self opened the door, Sasuke had to admit that he was relieved that Itachi was already standing over the bodies of his deceased parents. While a completely messed up sentiment to have, it was a lot better than seeing his parents killed, especially considering how he suspected their deaths would occur.

Just as he was coming to terms with his confusing relief, he found himself staring into the demonic red eyes that had haunted his dreams since he was eight: Itachi's Mangekyo Sharingan.

"For the next 72 hours..."

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...Sasuke suddenly shot up in his bed. He could still feel the cold grip of terror from what he'd known was coming. It had been that, along with the fear of seeing the murder of his clan using 'that' jutsu that had allowed him to force himself awake. As it was, his heart was racing, his breath was coming in ragged pants, and his body was saturated in a cold sweat, one that caused his night clothes to stick to him uncomfortably. Even as both his breathing and heart rate began to calm, the young Uchiha heir knew that he would not be getting back to sleep anytime soon.

Who would have thought that his brother and Naruto would combine to give him the most horrifically traumatizing dream he'd ever experienced? The only way it could possibly get worse was if that pedophile who'd given him that hickey had somehow showed up in that nightmare.

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While admittedly much less traumatic, one of Sasuke's teammates had also had a bit of an uneasy sleep. The reason for this trouble sleeping was due to an appointment with the Hokage the next morning to discuss personal matters.

From personal experience, Naruto knew that a discussion of personal matters with Tsunade could easily range from a simple inquiry and teasing session about his love life, to match-making attempts. From a drunken expose on how to get her hot and bothered, to a much more lucid and frank debriefing dissection of his sexual prowess; the results of said discussion determining whether she'd call Anko in, and let the woman have her way with him, writing off however long she kept him absent as thorough resistence training. From a frighteningly detailed lesson on where babies come from, to the much more embarrassing hour long inquisition he, Sakura, and Shizune had received on why she didn't yet have any grandbabies to spoil, and the measures she was willing to take to get them if they didn't appear soon.

Naruto still wasn't sure how he felt about Tsunade threatening to use her medical expertise to make him knock up Sakura and Shizune. He did find it interesting though, how this time around she wouldn't have to force Sakura into it, especially if she was willing to wait a bit. Ironic how at first he'd vowed to push Sakura out of his romantic picture, now she was one group evaluation from becoming his girlfriend.

But that was neither here nor there. The major point, was that there were any number of topics that could end up the focus of this discussion, and all of them had the potential to be dreaded.

"So gaki, tell me about this harem of yours." Tsunade said as soon as Naruto sat down.

'Yep, this is going to be one of those converstions.' Naruto thought as he ducked his head just a bit embarrassed. "Okay, so I should have seen that one coming. To be honest, it started out with me becoming interested in courting Hinata. I even told her that I'd like to date her, but her family was firmly against it, so we couldn't and became friends instead, even if I was secretly trying to find a way to gain their acceptance. Then on my first C-rank, I met and fell in love with Haku, and we started seeing one another. When I got back to Konoha, I found that Hinata had decided to defy her family, and date me anyway.

I really liked them both, and it really sucked the way things happened. That's when they decided to share me. I don't know why, but I'm thankful for it everyday. When jiji told me that as an Uzumaki I could marry them both if I wanted, I decided that I would. At that point, they were both my girlfriends. It wasn't until joined and started calling them my harem, and somehow convinced them to go along with it, that it became my harem. Although, can you really call it a harem with only three girls?"

"You're not telling me the whole truth are you?" Tsunade asked glaring, ignoring that last question, as she didn't have a definitive answer. Personally, she thought three was the bare minimum, but she'd heard so called experts on the subject both agree with her, and insist that anything more than one could be legitimately considered.

"Minor details that you'd need a larger plothole to explain than I have access to." Naruto replied.

"Hmph, stupid plotholes, and stupid Uzumaki gene not showing up enough to access them." Tsunade grumbled. She'd always thought it was so unfair that Nawaki had somehow gotten the Uzumaki genes enough to be able to use it, but she hadn't. "Whatever gaki. Still, since I've got you here, and I don't trust certain people to tell you the whole truth, there's something else I'd like to discuss with you before I send you away."

Naruto left the Hokage's office three hours later, once more freaked out by a discussion of personal matters with his baachan. He loved the woman dearly, but sometimes, that love was tested by things like this. After an in-depth inquisition about his 'harem', the girls in it, and his intentions towards them- she had been suitably pleased as punch that he planned to exploit the Uzumaki protocols to marry them both- she'd decided that he needed some specific knowledge, since he was that age.

Once again, Naruto had to sit through Tsunade's very in-depth birds and the bees lecture. While he'd freely admit that it was much tamer, and far more informative than the one he'd gotten from that pervert Jiraiya, it was still not something he'd wanted to sit through again. He really could have done without hearing the lecture or seeing the diagrams of a woman's menstruation cycle again. Now, Naruto was smart enough to know that such information was very useful in helping understand women as much as it was possible to, and it would even allow him to help make things easier, and hopefully less bothersome for his girls, but really.

She'd been relieved when Naruto had told her he wasn't ready to even start practicing for that, but then she'd decided that since he already had two girlfriends, it might be prudent to learn about a woman's body, and how to handle it since the lecture Jiraiya was sure to give him might have some bad advice mixed in. While again much tamer and more informative than Jiraiya's lecture- the difference really was in the details only a woman could provide- it was again a discussion that Naruto would have preferred avoiding...at least until he and the girls were old enough that he could actually use the information.

Still, the talk wouldn't have been as weird as it was if it hadn't been for the Hokage's chosen learning aids. Naruto still didn't know if she had been pranking him or not, but during the birds and the bees lecture, she'd used a diagram of her own body to point out the different parts of a woman's body that went into making a baby. Given how sexy Tsunade was- especially since she'd used the two seals he'd given her, and no longer needed her youth jutsu- those naked diagrams had been a bit distracting. That however, was nothing compared to what she'd done during the more practical parts of his sexual reeducation. She'd actually created a Shadow Clone of herself, which then proceeded to strip naked- again with the distracting uber sexiness- and teach him how to please a woman. Part of him was starting to wish he hadn't let her off the hook with their bet; and given the blanket permission he'd been given, that part of him was seriously considering going for it with Tsunade.

Shaking his head of such naughty thoughts, Naruto decided to focus on the two young women that he was almost sure he was absolutely in love with, and the wacky Special Jounin that he was seriously starting to fall for. Hands clasped behind his head, and face to the sky, Naruto allowed his feet to carry him along the familiar path to Ichiraku Ramen, a path he'd travelled many times before with the Sandaime. Unfortunately, since Naruto wasn't looking where he was going, he didn't realize that anyone or anything had crossed his path until he collided with them, sending the person to the ground.

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Karin had been surprised at how easy it was to 'become an entity' in the village. All she'd had to do was repack her things in her storage scroll, avoid her sensei until he'd left after the second exam- he'd rather uncaringly assumed that his entire team had perished in the forest when they didn't turn up for the prelims without bothering to check- and just lay low until after the invasion had blown over. It was a good thing she'd had civilian clothes, or she'd have never managed it. It had been extremely scary hiding out with the other civilians, as she was almost sure her nerves would see her found out and exposed. In hindsight, she should have realized that her nerves and fear actually helped her better blend in with the frightened civvies. Of course, she also really should have known it wouldn't last, as she'd eventually been found out by the Anbu.

Apparently, she hadn't been as good at hiding as she'd thought, especially with the village on heightened alert. The Anbu had had her pegged as suspicious from the beginning when she didn't leave with her sensei, and she'd had someone- thankfully a female Anbu codenamed Tori (3)- keeping an eye on her at all times. According to the old guy, since she didn't appear to be a threat to the village, they'd been willing to treat her as a refugee unless given a reason not to. She seemed to have done just that when someone had heard her making plans that involved Naruto, who was apparently a big deal in the village now; and after what she'd heard he'd done during the invasion, she wasn't surprised. She'd been brought to that scary proctor from the first part of the Chuunin Exams, and rather than find out if the rumors of how good Ibiki-san was were true, she'd told them everything.

This of course, had landed her in a meeting with the Hokage, and a man wrapped in bandages. Both old men seemed interested in her story, even if she did tell it with far more melodrama than was really necessary; which of course they both saw right through. They were especially interested in the fact that Naruto and his team had saved her from the forest. They were even more interested in the reports from her physical that proved that she was an Uzumaki by blood, as well as tremendously relieved. When they'd questioned her motives and plans for Naruto, they'd both seemed incredibly amused for some reason. Still, she'd gotten what she wanted, and she was even going to be made a Konoha ninja after a period of probation, which would begin as soon as the new Hokage arrived and instated her.

She'd been right about her being of Uzumaki blood granting her certain luxuries. Not only that, but she'd been able to have herself placed under Naruto's protection- as well as control, but that was a small price to pay all things considered- and there really was nothing her village could do about it aside from declaring war. While she'd also been right about her village considering her insignficant enough not to even bother acknowledging her defection, it also meant she was free and clear to be with her chosen. She'd already resolved all of her issues with his current girlfriends, since they'd almost immediately become very good friends, and got her hot enough that she wouldn't have any trouble seducing them later.

She didn't know how they'd managed it, but they both seemed to give off the same chakra vibe as Naruto-sama; though admittedly, it wasn't anywhere near as potent.

The only problem she could see now was explaining everything to Naruto-sama; which she'd been able to request of the Hokage since it was Uzumaki Clan business. She doubted he'd like the fact that she was trying to force her way into his family, and especially that he had responsibilities towards her because of her being an Uzumaki. Well, she was friends with his girlfriends, and they'd said Naruto-sama was big on family, so maybe that could be something. So lost in thought was Karin, that she didn't see the person she was about to collide with until she was falling to the ground.

"Hey, watch it!" She spat from her toppled position, before glaring up at her abuser and blushing.

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A voice yelling at him snapped Naruto from his distraction. He looked around for the voice finding no one until he looked down into a pair of wide, red eyes.

Seeing it was Karin, Naruto rubbed the back of his head, grinning in that disarming way that he never realized had such an effect on girls who weren't blinded by emo obsessions. "Hehe, sorry about that."

Cheeks pinkening, Karin took a moment to bask in the intoxicating chakra presence the boy gave off.

'His chakra's so warm; so soothing and rich like some sort of sensual chocolate.' Karin closed her eyes, and actually began to drool as she luxuriated in Naruto's chakra. She shivered as she contemplated spending hour upon hour snuggled against him just letting his presence wash over her. As she did so, she noticed something else that sent a spike of yummy through her- something that she'd missed in the forest. The boy's chakra had an edge of darkness buried beneath it adding a bit of dangerous flavor to the bright, happy yummy. "Ohh, I think I'm in love."

"Here, lemme help you up." Naruto said extending his hand. Karin accepted the hand up, but soon found herself falling against him a bit light headed as the marginally closer proximity to the blond somehow intensified the feel of his chakra. Though that might have been due to the direct skin contact she now had with him.

"Mmn," Karin groaned as she tried to get herself together, and focus her chakra battered equilibrium.

Realizing that he'd never gotten her name this time around, and him knowing it would be a bit suspicious if he used it, Naruto decided to play things cool as he helped steady her. "Um, are you okay...uh?

Focusing on his question, Karin was finally about to snap herself out of the mild chakra induced trance. "Karin. My name is Karin, and yeah, I'm okay. Just a little light-headed from the collision," '-and your delicious chakra.'

"That's good." Naruto said, sticking his hands in his pocket, and moving on to Ichiraku, this time paying attention to where he was going. "I'll see you around."

"Mmn, yes you will, Naruto-sama." She whispered breathily.

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Speaking of odd and awkward conversations, Naruto found himself in the midst of another one the very next night when he finally met his loves' new friend. To his complete shock, he found that it was Karin.

"Naruto-kun, this is the friend Hinata and I told you about, Karin." Haku introduced them.

Naruto stared at the girl he had encountered twice, and who had both times reacted in a strange perverted way towards him. Hearing the barely concealed snicker in the back of his mind that he knew hadn't come from the intoxicated Kurama, Naruto realized that his foreshadowing fear from earlier had been correct.

'Ooh joy.' Naruto thought. 'I hope she doesn't become a stalker like she did with Sasuke. Sure, she gets kinda hot when she's older, but that whole MPD thing was still kind of creepy.'

Deciding to just cut to the chase, Naruto asked. "Okay, who are you, what do you want with me, and why do you always look like you're about to mess yourself when I run into you?"

"Well, my name is Karin Kanzuki, and I'm a former ninja of Kusagakure." Karin started. "I'm currently an orphan since my mom died in childbirth, and my dad blew himself up experimenting with some weird sex change fuinjutsu. While I'm sad I lost him, I shudder to think what he might have been planning to use that jutsu for. What I want is to have friends and family again."

"Really?" Naruto asked, suprised by that answer.

Karin nodded vigorously while thinking. 'Although personally I hope it's by way of helping you revive the Uzumaki Clan with lots of babies.'

Naruto actually began to relax. "Okay, continue please."

"I didn't have any friends after my bestie and roommate Sakura Kasugano kicked me to the curb after she became obsessed with this prick named Ryuu. She even started wearing this sailor schoolgirl uniform, hoping it would catch his eye, the pervert."

Naruto sighed, knowing he was always a sucker for a pretty girl with a sob story. "Fine, I guess you being friends with Hinata and Haku isn't a bad thing. Still, why do you always have such pervy reactions around me?"

Karin gave a soft moan... "Mmn, it's your yummy chakra." ...before waxing poetic about the way his chakra made her feel; and boy did some of those descriptions belong in one of Ero-Sennin's books.

And just like that, the suspicion he'd had before came back full force. He still remembered that she was with Orochimaru at one point, and part of Akatsuki with Sasuke, and really, he couldn't be sure if she wasn't already. It would usually be at this point that someone who was aware of these things would point out all of the flaws in that silly strong of consciousness, but NB was too busy laughing himself silly, and planning mischief for the fic with Sketchfan, who was just as twisted as he, only to a slightly lesser degree.

"Stop!" Naruto said firmly in a 'Big Daddy Naruto-sama' voice that caused all kinds of naughty tingles to pop up in all both girls.

'I'm so into you, I can't wait till I'm older and can have your babies.' Karin thought, just barely keeping herself from tackling and kissing Naruto silly.

"Now what is this about my chakra?" Naruto said.

Now would also be a good time to mention that when Naruto put some bass in his voice a few dialogue exchanges back, his chakra let off a minor flash...which certainly didn't help the situation or Karin's disposition. The poor girl who was groaning lustfully, grabbed her undeveloped chest, and began rubbing her legs together.

Haku, who noticed the flash, as well as Karin's reaction to it, couldn't help asking. "Karin, what's wrong?"

Karin turned misty, slightly glazed eyes to the eldest girl there. "Naruto-sama doesn't have any idea what his chakra feels like to a sensor, does he?" She was answered by two headshakes as neither of them knew. "Okay, to a normal sensor, your chakra is warm and bright, with a slight hint of something darker beneath. I, however, am a very strong, and very sensitive chakra sensor. To me, your chakra has two very distinctive, and potent feelings. On the surface, it's calm and dazzling, and makes me feel comfortable and relaxed because it's so warm and bright. Deep below that, however, there's also something primal that gives me chills and tingles all over. Taken together, your chakra is like being smothered in warm, rich, sensual chocolate. It also doesn't help that I can sense the fact that the second chakra has been mixing heavily with the first one for a long time, possibly years, giving it a bit of that same naughty feeling."

Naruto wasn't amused. "Hmph, my chakra giving off some kind of sexy aura that you can't resist seems like a pretty flimsy excuse to me."

"You're suspicious of me, aren't you?" Karin sighed, gaining a shrug from Naruto. "It's understandable, I guess. I guess that means this would this be a bad time to mention that I'm an Uzumaki on my father's side, and that I've been placed under your protection, and that you're responsible for me."

"What?!" Naruto yelled.

"Well, I kind of stuck around after the invasion, and after all of the Kusa representatives had left." Karin said. "After a talk with that scary, scarred dude from the Chuunin Exam, I was sent to the old Hokage. When he found out I was an Uzumaki, he placed me under your protection, and made me your responsibility, since according to the Hokage with the uber tits, as the last of the main line, you're pretty much Head of the Clan."

"Haku, could you please help Karin get set up in one of the apartments, while I go speak with baachan, and a certain old man." Naruto asked.

"Aww, I was hoping to stay with you?" Karin asked.

"No, you are not staying with me, because you have that molestor look in your eyes, and I'm not dealing with that, right now." Naruto replied, leaving. As his back was turned, he completely missed the lecherous look that plainly said 'he had no idea how right he was, especially once her womanly curves came in'. Again, Haku caught the look, although given that Karin was staring, and probably daydreaming, it wasn't all that hard to catch this time.

Once Naruto was out of earshot, Haku turned suspicious eyes onto Karin. "Karin-san, we have been friends for a month now, and I feel I must clarify something. What are your intentions towards Naruto-kun, and did you befriend me just to get closer to him?"

"No, I didn't befriend you just to get to Naruto-sama, but I will admit that I took advantage of the fact that you're his girlfriend." Karin admitted. "And why do you care what my intentions are?"

"You already know that Naruto-kun is my boyfriend, as well as Hinata's, and our future husband." Haku answered. "I would not like to have our friendship end because you tried to come between us."

Now while this would have been a perfect opportunity for a pervy quip- something along the lines of the only cumming between them she wanted to do involved staining sheets- Karin decided on something a little less honest. "If Naruto-sama has a harem, then I definitely want in. The old Hokage and the Hokage with the uber tits both said I could marry him if I was accepted by him."

"That's true, but Naruto-kun has declared that any new potential girlfriends must meet with mine, Anko's, and Hinata's approval before being accepted."

Karin winced. "And I guess my recent attitude kinda killed that, didn't it?"

"I wouldn't say killed it, but severely wounded, yes." Haku replied. "You are still our friend, and I'm sure that Hinata wouldn't mind you joining us, but it would be best not to assume. If you are accepted however, much like your status as a ninja, you'll be on probation. Also, because Naruto-kun is suspicious of you, you will have to prove yourself as not a threat to him as well. Don't worry, if you meet with our approval, Anko, Hinata, and I will help you with that once your probation is over."

"So, is this a bad time to mention that your chakra is as much a turn on as Naruto-sama's?" Karin asked. "While not as all consuming, it's giving me serious tingles."

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"Tsunade-baachan, why is there a chakra nympho telling me that I'm responsible for her?" Naruto asked bursting into the Hokage's office.

Deciding to ignore the part of that question that she knew would entertain her more than anything, the Hokage got to the matter at hand. "Because you're the last mainline Uzumaki alive. Despite what you may have thought, I wasn't just running around gambling and getting drunk, at least not for the first few years. I was also trying to find any family that I might have had left. While I did find a few Uzumaki scattered, none of them were from the main line. There were only two mainline Uzumaki that escaped the massacre, your mother, and my grandmother."

"So why can't you take responsibility for her?" Naruto asked.

"Because despite my grandmother being the last clan heads daughter, I was registered as a Senju at birth, while you were registered as an Uzumaki." Tsunade explained. "Besides, based on some really odd inheritance customs, my being a complete generation removed from being born to the Uzumaki clan is inferior to your being directly born from an Uzumaki born in Whirlpool."

"So this means what?" Naruto asked.

"This means that any Uzumaki that come to Konoha will be placed under your authority." Tsunade said.

"How?"

"Because sensei gave you Uzumaki Clan status." Tsunade explained. "You're currently operating under refugee clan laws and practices, meaning you're under the village's protection, but you're not a full clan yet. While you don't gain all the same rights of a Konoha Clan like a voice in the council, you still have most of the same rights, including self-discipline and the right to judiciously protect clan Jujutsu."

"So jiji is the cause of this." Naruto said standing. "Thank you baachan, you just replaced that old fart on my favorite people list."

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Several moments later, the relative quiet outside the Sarutobi home was disturbed when Naruto yelled. "Jiji, what's with the creepy redhead who gets horny off my chakra?"

"Why Naruto, as much as you lamented not having family growing up, I would have figured that you'd want to get to know any family you had left." Sarutobi replied, with a cheeky smile.

"Yeah, but why am I responsible for her?" Naruto asked, wanting to know the man's motivation behind his actions. "She seems old enough to take care of herself."

"Naruto, you're the last of the main line of Uzumaki." Sarutobi said, not knowing that Naruto had already been given a small crash course. "While you come from the line of the youngest child of Akahana Uzumaki, who just so happened to be the twin sister of Mito Uzumaki, her father's line was completely wiped out with the destruction of Uzushiogakure. The lone exception was your mother since technically Mito was nearing the end of her life, and would die during the Kyuubi transfer. Not only that, but as you mentioned back in chapter two, your maternal great-grandmother was also Mito's eldest daughter."

Naruto blanched as he realized his grandparents were first cousins, and given the identical DNA of their parents, could probably even be considered half-siblings. And people wondered why Hinata had called Neji brother, and had protested so strongly against being married off to Neji in his past life. It also explained that seal he'd found in the biological section of the Uzumaki Scroll. Naruto had to suppress a shudder at the fact that incest was common and accepted enough in clans that the Uzumaki created a seal to deal with any impending birth defects that might result. Although, given some of the pictures he'd seen of the women in his nearly extinct clan, he could objectively understand why the guys were willing to ignore the close blood relation (4).

"Given that Tsunade is the last of the Senju," Sarutobi continued. "-and therefore responsible for the remains of that clan, you are the only one left from the main line to take charge of the Uzumaki Clan. Karin, as a member of a cadet line of Uzumaki, is therefore your clan subordinate, and therefore your responsibility as Clan Head."

"That's not all, is there?" Naruto said, eyes narrowing at the matching smiles of the two old men sitting on the Sarutobi porch in rocking chairs.

"We also figured it would be rather amusing seeing how you dealt with such an...interesting addition to your family; whether she remains just a cousin, or if she truly desires to make a play for a spousel role."

Eyes narrowed almost to horizontal slits, Naruto took a deep breath, before letting out a sigh. His face then took on a slightly sinister smile. "You two realize this means war, yes?"

"Very well," Sarutobi said. "-just remember that we've been at this for far longer than you."

"True, but I'm an Uzumaki, and mischief is in my blood." Naruto said, before disappearing in a swirl of Hokage plushies.

"Are you sure about this, Danzo?" Sarutobi said, standing from his chair, and gathering a couple of full sets of the plushies, as well as an extra Sandaime one for himself. After all, Konohamaru would appreciate the gift, as would Naruto, and there was no guarantee that Naruto was aware of the things left behind in his Shunshins.

"Don't worry, we'll be fine." The bandaged man said. "Just because we haven't pranked in awhile doesn't mean I haven't had any ideas all these years. I've thought of some I'd have played on your teammates if it hadn't been for the image I was trying to present."

888

Upon returning to his apartment, Naruto decided to make sure that Karin was really an Uzumaki, and could legally be placed under his authority. He didn't quite trust blood work, because with his unique Henge, he could transform into Kakashi, knock up half a dozen women- and taking off his mask would ensure he had plenty of prospects- and get his sensei in a lot of paternity trouble. There was, however, a fullproof way to prove it, and it was strapped to his back as he made his way to Karin's apartment. Haku had already proven that non-Uzumaki couldn't read the scroll, though they hoped to remedy that when she became his wife.

If Karin did prove to be an Uzumaki by blood, however, then he was going to have to start laying down some family ground rules; with the clan being more than just him and two potentials, it would require a more formalized structure.

Knocking on the door, he waiting until Karin opened the door. Seeing who it was, she quickly invited Naruto in. Upon entering, Naruto winced. Her apartment looked almost as bad as his had when he'd first woke up back in time, though that was mostly from disuse. He was going to have to send a team of clones to come and make sure that her living quarters were up to code if she was going to be staying here. He should also probably send a troupe over to the apartment Haku shared with Zabuza, just to be sure. Shaking his head, he turned to the widely grinning Karin, and gestured for her to sit...he was rather surprised at how quickly she did so.

"So you claim that we're family," Naruto said, pulling the Uzumaki Jujutsu Scroll from his back, opening it, and pointing randomly to a seal. "-prove it. Anyone who is an Uzumaki by blood, should be able to read this, and explain it."

To Naruto's utter shock, Karin took one look at the seal array, blushed, and asked if he was trying to tell her something. She followed this by informing him that while she didn't mind getting in bed with him, she was hoping to wait until she was a little older. Confused, Naruto looked down at the seal he'd pointed out, and blushed when he realized he'd pointed out the hottub seal with the intimacy warning. He knew he needed to change the subject quickly.

"Soooo...uuuh," Naruto started. "I guess we're family huh? Well, I guess there's some thing you need to be let in on."

And with that, Naruto filled the redhead in on all of the secrets that currently only Haku and Hinata knew. He was admittedly wary of the nosebleed Karin got when he told her about being the Jinchuuriki for the Kyuubi, but guessed perverted acceptance was better than certain other alternatives. Besides, it wasn't the first perverted reaction he'd had to that revelation, and he didn't think he'd ever be able to look at the Hyuuga the same again. Naruto also outlined his rules for the apartment, and what he hoped would be the rules of the Uzumaki Clan once they were established.

888888

A week later, the first official salvo of the Old vs. Young prank war was fired. While setting Karin on him could be considered the first strike in a prank war- Naruto certainly did- it was actually more of an issue of the challenge, one that Naruto would gladly accept. The morning after his discussion with Karin, Naruto had approached his former Academy instructor, and recruited him for the ultimate prank war. The pitch had been fairly simple.

"Prank war. You and me versus jiji and Danzo. Complete green light."

Iruka had developed the most devious smile Naruto had ever seen on the man, and quickly agreed.

When word of the impending war got out- whispers of Naruto and Iruka seen planning with looks of mischief started circulating rapidly- people in the village immediately began taking sides. Most of the under 25 citizens were fully behind Naruto, lead mostly by Konohamaru's gang, while the citizens above age 40 were rooting for Sarutobi and Danzo to show those youngsters how it was done. The majority of citizens between 20-40 decided to just enjoy the show. Much to Tsunade's annoyance, there was almost a Team Edward-Team Jacob style brawl in the middle of the village between the fangirl members of Team Naruka and Team Hirudan, but the Anbu quickly broke it up. Unfortunately, the brawl just relocated to the Chuunin Exams arena, and a couple dozen people were hospitalized with minor injuries of the bruise, scratching, and hair pulling variety.

Naruto and Iruka struck swiftly and silently over night. The next morning, the two aged ninja learned that their tea had been replaced with a special fiber based brand, and their pipe filler had been soaked in about six different kinds of liquid laxatives. It was an easily managed, calculated strike, one that both Danzo and Sarutobi recognized. The pair were testing the waters as it were. The somewhat soft prank showed that they weren't being malicious, but it was a devious enough prank that said they were prepared to escalate as needed. It was also a message that the two could be gotten at any time.

"While I'll admit that I do miss the regularity that our age has denied us, I did not enjoy being overly regular." Danzo grumbled days later, breaking Sarutobi from his thoughts of contemplation.

"I agree." Sarutobi said, having spent half the morning in the bathroom. Although, he had to admit, the chronic diarrhea had certainly helped break the monotony of the day, and made his paperwork- which he'd hoped to escape after giving up the big hat, though thankfully it was far less than what he'd had being Hokage- much more bearable after he'd moved a small desk into the lavatory.

"So when do we retaliate?"

"We'll give them a couple days to bask in their small victory." Sarutobi said. "Then we'll strike with something that sends a message that we can still play the game just as well."

"Good, because I've got an idea that might take a couple days to set up."

"Oh, do tell."

888888

After much contemplation, Naruto decided it was finally time to come clean about the Kyuubi, at least to Sasuke and Sakura. He'd already had the discussion with the loves of his life, and his cousin was also now aware of the fox. He'd already given Teuchi permission to explain things to Ayame, whose only reaction was that it explained a lot about why he ate so much. He didn't quite like her attempt at humor comparing him to a pregnant woman eating for two. Nor did he like when the fox had chimed in that he was eating for a really big number two. In return, the fox had been less than pleased when he'd pointed out that he'd had to deal with a several stories tall case of indigestion all his life. Since Haku had told her dad, and everyone else in his familial circle already knew about the fox, that just left Sasuke and Sakura.

"Jiji?" Naruto asked, taking a seat next to Sarutobi, also gesturing that there was a temporary ceasefire for this important discussion.

"Yes, Naruto?"

"I need to ask you something." Naruto said, continuing when he gained a nod from the old man. "Would I be susceptible to punishment for revealing the details of the Kyuubi? I mean, I know I've got blanket permission to discuss it with family, but would I be allowed to tell Sakura and Sasuke about it?"

"Didn't you already do that during the finals?" He asked. "And didn't we already go over that?"

"Yeah, but because of a plot hole, no one seems to remember that except Gaara and Temari because of him having the Ichibi, and the people who knew beforehand."

Sarutobi sighed. "If I may, why didn't you talk to Tsunade about this?"

"Because it was your law, so you'd know it better than anyone." Naruto replied, earning a slight smile.

"Well, I would have said no, but since Tsunade-chan is Hokage now, you'll need to ask her." Sarutobi said. "For what it's worth Naruto, by the letter of the law, as it's virtually your secret, and it was done to give you a chance at a normal childhood, it's up to you who you tell. I would hope you practice some discretion, however."

Nodding, Naruto stood, and hopped off the porch. "Thanks jiji, and tell Ko-chan I'll come get him in a couple of days to play ninja, and that I expect him to have his full team assembled when I get here, or it's a no go."

888

Naruto's next stop was Tsunade's office. Naruto- who'd been expecting Tsunade to be passed out drunk, or commiserating with a hangover- was quite surprised to find her diligently working on her paperwork. Of course, he soon found out why, and formed his own conclusions. There was a flyer on her desk that held the information of a rather interesting event taking place. It was a very high stakes event, one that Tsunade would never be able to pass up; especially since she'd mysteriously come into a shitload of money, and her debt had recently been paid off. The kind of money that it would take a couple dozen S-rank missions, complete with potential suicide run bonuses, to accumulate.

He guessed- correctly- that Shizune had told her that she couldn't go gamble unless she finished her paperwork. It was kind of ironic how someone who was at best a third of Tsunade's strength- and even that was being generous- could hold so much sway over the woman, and treat her like a spoiled child sometimes. Still, he made a note to stop by the gambling parlor, and place a sizable bet on whatever Tsunade did. He'd always been curious about whether his unnaturally good luck could counter Tsunade's legendary bad luck.

"Tsunade-baachan," Naruto said, taking a seat in front of her desk, and grabbing her attention. "-I need to ask you a question."

"What is it gaki, I'm busy." Tsunade said, not even looking up from the file she was reading.

"Would I be susceptible to punishment for revealing the details of the Kyuubi?" Naruto asked. "I know that it's my secret, but it's still a law and everything."

Heaving a sigh, and finally looking up at her fellow blond, Tsunade asked. "What did sensei say?"

"He said that by the letter of the law, it was my secret to reveal, and that I could divulge it as I saw fit." Naruto answered. "But he also cautioned me to be discreet with who exactly I told. He also told me that I should ask you, since you were the Hokage now."

"Well, as I'm sure you mentioned to him, it was his law, so he'd be able to give the best interpretation of it." Tsunade said, getting a nod from Naruto. "If he said it was up to you, then that's what I'm gonna go with. I do agree with him about being discreet, however. Who are you planning on telling?"

"My teammates, and maybe the rookies from our year later." Naruto admitted.

"If you feel that you can trust them, then it's your secret to tell."

888

"Sasuke, Sakura, I have a big secret to tell you." Naruto said half an hour later after sending a pair of clones to find his teammates, and stopping by the parlor with a stack of cash and instructions to put it on whoever Tsunade bet on in the event.

"Naruto," Sasuke started. "-please tell me that you're coming out of the closet, and that it'll leave Haku and Anko broken hearted, allowing me to swoop in and steal them away."

"Sasuke, the only two chances that you'll ever have with Haku or Anko is if I'm dead, or I monumentally, and unforgivably fuck up." Naruto replied. "As I don't plan to do either any time soon- and even then, from what Haku has told me, it's highly unlikely to happen for you- just let it go."

"Oh fine, what was it you wanted to tell us." Sasuke fake sulked, causing Sakura to roll her eyes. While she could tell that Sasuke wasn't entirely just joking, it was at least good enough to see Sasuke coming out of his shell enough that he was making jokes about something that had infuriated him just a few short months ago.

"Sasuke, you once asked me how I was so strong?" Sasuke nodded. "The truth is, I have an extremely unfair advantage. So much so, that trying to compare yourself to me to gauge your progress would be a huge mistake."

"What are you talking about?" Sasuke asked.

"Sakura, do you remember what I said to Neji about the biju."

"You told him to try having a biju sealed into him to see how hard things could get." She said, before gasping. "You have one, don't you? I didn't pay any attention then, because I was too shocked at you actually beating Neji so surely."

'Sakura-chan's like a frikkin encyclopedia, I can't believe she would have forgotten something like that.' Naruto thought.

"Yeah, that wasn't a plothole, that was actually my bad." NB said sheepishly. "I forgot you'd blurted that at the finals, and it created a minor plothole, so I fixed it by erasing the memories of everyone who didn't know prior to the Chunnin Exam Finals. Well, everyone with the exception of Gaara and his kinda twin."

"Naruto?" Sakura asked, reclaiming his attention.

"Yes, I do." Naruto admitted. "And so did Gaara, that's why you never really stood a chance against him, Sasuke; not as you are now."

"Which one?" Sasuke asked.

"Gaara has the Ichibi, and it gives him complete control over sand." Naruto explained. "Given that much of the arena was dust and dirt, that didn't exactly bode well for your chances."

"That's good to know, but I meant which one do you have?"

"Well, let me tell you a story..." And so Naruto began his tale, complete with the founding of Konoha, Madara Uchiha's attempt to attack the village with the Kyuubi, and Mito Uzumaki sealing the biju into herself. He told them about the Uzumaki lifeforce, and how his mother was sent to Konoha to take over Jinchuuriki duties when Mito was nearing her death. He told them of how Madara attacked again on the night he was born, and extracted the Kyuubi from his mother while her seal was weakened due to her giving birth, and how as a last effort to save the village, the Yondaime sealed the fox into the only available container...him.

"So that means what?"

"It means we've got a chance to get a horse dick, demon in the sac!" Inner Sakura cheered, causing a blush to form on Sakura's face. "Hell yeah, we hit the jackpot!"

"It means, Sasuke, that between my mothers clan, being conceived, developed inside of, and birthed by a Jinchuuriki, and then being made into a Jinchuuriki myself, it's really not a good idea to compare yourself to me. Tell me Sasuke, if someone with your talent, or even Sakura's brains had that kind of potential, how far beyond our classmates do you think they'd be by now?"

It had already been proven that his potential was off the charts. It was also a frequent point of debate between Sakura and Shikamaru in his previous life just how strong he was, and how much stronger he'd have been if he'd have been given as much special attention as Sasuke had in the Academy. He remembered Shikamaru pointing out that Jinchuuriki were- by design due to their very nature- all potential S-class ninja. Whether or not they achieved that potential depended on the amount of effort they put into it, and how much their villages were willing to invest in them achieving that status.

In point of fact, if Kakashi had been as intent on training him before he left with Jiraiya as he had been afterwards, Naruto could have, should have, grown and risen through the ranks just as quickly as Kakashi had, though probably not at the same age. In truth, with the Shadow Clone training he'd learned from Kakashi last time around at his disposal, he'd have probably be pushing S-rank by the time he'd returned from training with Jiraiya, if not there already. Matter of fact, if Kakashi had just put in the effort, Sasuke might not have been so tempted to defect, and they'd have all been around the A to S-rank area by then.

"Whoa." Sakura said, as she realized just what he was saying.

"Exactly," Naruto started. "-and even if I weren't then it still wouldn't be a good idea. Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, it's why ninja are put in teams; to piggyback off each other in an area we might be lacking. We work together and support each other, and that's what makes Konoha so successful."

"So just out of curiosity, how much chakra do you have?" Sasuke asked. "The fact that you still have chakra control issues after all of the work you've done on it says that it's a lot."

"When I first started out, I had way too much chakra, and way too little control." Naruto explained. "With all the work I've done, and the thousands of clones I've devoted to chakra control exercises the past few months, my control is probably about equal to the average Medic-nin. If I had reserves closer to Kakashi-sensei's, I could potentially be a better candidate for an apprenticeship with Tsunade-baachan than Sakura."

"So the fact that you'd be a Med-nin with sensei's reserves, but your control is still iffy now means that it's a shitload, and I'd be better off not trying to figure out just how much if I don't want to go back to being a broody asshole?" Sasuke asked.

"Probably." Sasuke nodded at that answer.

"Horse dick, demon in the sac with unending stamina!" Inner Sakura cheered, causing a nosebleed to be added to the blush on Sakura's face. "Shannaro!"

"So, want to go to the training grounds and see if we can figure out how we did that explosion thing during the invasion?"

"Hell yeah!" Naruto said standing.

"Wait a second, how does that work?" Sakura asked, thankful for the distraction Sasuke's question provided her to hide her perverted reaction. "I've read about that jutsu since you mentioned it in Wave, and it specifically says that while knowledge and experience are transferred back to the original, things like physical benefits and muscle memory don't."

"Not for most people, no," Naruto admitted, although ironically enough, chakra control seemed to be one of the few things that did transfer if you had enough clones doing it. "-but consider this. How do you get good at performing an ability or technique?"

"Repetition, and practice." Sasuke immediately answered. "By constantly doing something until it's second nature. But doing things like that still can take at least weeks to learn, and gain proficiency with, and years more to truly master."

"Exactly, now think about the sheer number of Kage Bunshin I can make." Naruto said. "When I first learned it, I had a few dozen clones working on chakra control. Then, to compound that, I've been using training seals that helped increase my overall strength, speed, chakra, and chakra control. When we learned water walking, I increased the number of chakra control clones to a hundred once I was able to stand on the water. By the time the finals came around, I was up to two hundred doing the various chakra control exercises we know."

"But it still doesn't explain how you can gain physically." Sakura said. "I remember you were using it for taijutsu too, and it was working."

"Again, it's the unnatural number I'm capable of creating. Like Sasuke said, it's all about repetition. Now, consider that I've got several hundred clones a day doing the same thing for several months, and each time they pop I get eight or so hours of memories and first hand experience from the perspective of someone doing said thing for eight hours. That's 1600 hours, or 66 days and 16 hours worth of training, I just experienced doing the same thing, every day. Eventually, doing something that often is going to make it become second nature, and it's going to start trickling over into muscle memory as soon as I start to physically practice it myself; especially since I take a couple of days a week just exclusively working on the things I've got clones doing to better acquaint myself with them. The very minor muscle memory that trickles over, combined with me actually taking time to do it increases how fast it becomes natural to me."

"Good, now that Sakura's curiosities have been satisfied," Said pinkette blushed at Sasuke's words given what they implied- and yes, he'd done it on purpose. "-can we go blow shit up now?"

Sakura smiled at the two boys, glad that Sasuke hadn't gotten jealous again, and thinking back on what Naruto had told her when she'd lamented not improving as fast as Hinata, or being as good as Haku or others.

"You shouldn't compare yourself to those around you." Naruto had told her. "Given the differences in each person's natural talent with different abilities, you'd only do yourself a disservice. What you should compare yourself to, is the Sakura of yesterday. If you can run farther than you did yesterday...fight harder and faster than you did yesterday...dodge or block what you couldn't yesterday, then you are better and stronger than you were. (5)"

888

Sasuke was traversing the Uchiha district, headed for the mass of gravestones that marked his clan's final resting places. Okay, so it was more a memorial, as all bodies belonging to shinobi were usually burned, unless they were Hokage. His goal was his father's gravestone, which he intended to take a nice long piss on, which would explain the rather large, giant gulp juice he was nursing. After spending an enjoyable afternoon blowing shit up with his teammate, he'd come to the conclusion that his father was a grade A dick.

While his mother had on more than one occasion encouraged him to befriend the lonely looking blond boy in his class, his father- whom he'd been so desperate to impress as a child- had insisted that he avoid the evil Uzumaki boy at all costs, for Uzumaki were evil, unhuman creatures. His mother had been right, and his father was a complete twat. Hell, from what he now knew, his father had probably deserved his fate at his jerk brother's hands.

I mean sure, Naruto could be really creepy and odd with his unnatural Uzumakiness sometimes, but he more than made up for it. Blowing up a training ground had been all kinds of fun, and the best part was that when combined with Naruto's nature, he used way less chakra for his fire jutsu. Even more interesting, had been when they'd combined Sakura's budding Doton affinity to create that small lava pit. While creepier than anything he'd ever seen, the glint in Naruto's eyes when he'd said that lava pit had given him an idea spoke of something he definitely wanted to be a part of. That Naruto wouldn't tell them anything except that if his idea worked, they'd be creating something he wanted to call Epic Overkill no Jutsu, well that was even better. Not only that, but whatever that weird smelling granola bar was, it was one hell of a pick me up, though it did make him thirsty.

Ten minutes, and an emptied bladder later, Sasuke was leaving the burial grounds, feeling quite accomplished. He only wished he'd thought to bring a stopwatch. He was sure he'd broken some kind of longevity pissing record. In point of fact, he hadn't broken Mito's record when she'd pissed on Tobirama's grave for being a little twat to the clan of her husband's best friend. She hadn't taken kindly to the fact that her son's Uchiha fiance had been sent on what she'd found out later was a suicide mission just a few weeks before their wedding. He was, however, only about two seconds off of tying the second place finish of a pregnant Kushina who'd immasculated half a dozen men when she burst into the mens restroom and proved that there was at least one woman who- even without the proper equipment- could piss standing up in a urinal. Even as a fetus Naruto was an active little bugger, and she constantly had to go.

As he was passing his now deceased maternal aunt's home, he found himself accosted by four people who were obviously shinobi from the Sound village if the six armed guy's headband, and the questionable assbows were anything to go by.

"So who the hell are you?" Sasuke asked immediately wary. Given who they likely answered to, he hoped to everything holy that they didn't have the same deviances as their master.

"We are Orochimaru's elite guard, the Sound Four." Six arms said. "I'm Kidoumaru of the east gate."

"I'm Jirobou of the south gate." The Akimichi wannabe replied.

"We are Sakon and Ukon of the west gate." The bishie boy with black lipstick- which told Sasuke that at least one of the bastards shared their master's deviance- followed.

"I'm Tayuya, of the north gate." Sasuke raised his eyebrow at the girl. It really was too bad that she was a pedo flunkie; she was actually pretty attractive, and anyone who registered as the pedo's elite guard was probably strong.

Suddenly the four attacked. A block, a springboard kick, a dodge, and a grappling throw was all it took to fend off the attack, and Sasuke had amend his opinion with a frown. Apparently being one of Orochimaru's elite guards wasn't much of an accomplishment. Too bad, cuz the redhead really was attractive, and she'd probably he hot in a few years. Upon seeing the four logs piled against the wall, Sasuke looked up and found the four standing on it.

"Hmph, weak, just like the rest of this village." Sakon taunted. "If you stay in this shitty village, you'll stay weak just like everyone else."

"Come with us, and Orochimaru-sama will give you strength." Tayuya said. "The power he's offering you is second to none."

Inwardly, Sakon frowned. While he was one of the elite guards of a particularly vile homonculus, and had no problem doing some seriously twisted things in the name of his master, one thing he'd always disliked about Sound were the recruitment speeches. Case in point, the Curse Seals were little more than seals that allowed them access to Sage chakra. Both of his master's former teammates were actual Sages, so the power they offered would certainly be better. Not only that, but the Sandaime Raikage's Lightening Cloak was far and away better than this was. This was also before you factored in that his master's former village consistently turned out Chuunin and Jounin who were at least worth a B-rank in the Bingo Books, and had more non-Kage, non-Jinchuuriki S-rank shinobi to their credit than any other village...Orochimaru being one of them.

Plus, deceiving the recruits with promises of power that fell short, and actually had far too many detrimental side effects to offer consistent use was bogus; they should know what they were getting themselves into. And this was aside from the fact that most of the people they were recruiting would probably have agreed anyway without being deceived.

"No offense to you guys, you're more than welcome to his power, but I'll pass." Sasuke said, shocking the group.

"Really?" Tayuya asked. "You'd shit on a fuckload of power?"

'That bastard gave me a hickey during the second stage of the Chuunin Exams.' Sasuke thought walking away. "Seriously, no power is worth being that guy's sex slave, and being forced to gargle mayonnaise."

"So, what are we supposed to do now?" Jirobo asked, trying very hard to ignore what that last bit had implied.

"Kidomaru, check the contingency manual." Sakon said. The boy with six arms reached into his pouch, and removed a small book. Flipping to the section on what to do if Orochimaru was refused, he read.

"Well, the standard procedure is to kill them." He said. "The only exception being Sasuke Uchiha, who we are to knock out, and kidnap."

888888

Naruto awoke the next morning feeling as if he was forgetting something. Even as he went about his morning routine, for the life of him, he couldn't get the notion out of his mind. After a nice, hot shower- one that Naruto didn't know was being watched by a particularly perverted girl through rather interesting methods- Naruto reentered his bedroom with a towel around his waist. It was as he dropped his towel- causing a profuse nosebleed in his unknown observer- that he noticed the flashing seal next to his alarm clock. Naruto couldn't help giving a grin and happy dance- much to his observer's delight- at the fact that his jutsu was such a success every time it proved to work.

The jutsu in question was a Communication Seal that he'd been tinkering with before he'd died originally (6). It was one of his more useful fuinjutsu inventions, and would help Konoha's forces greatly in the future once it was perfected. You see, while he was certainly proud of it, one of the set-backs he was still trying to fix was distance. While one could easily send a message to someone nearly clear across Konoha, the messages got distorted and hard to understand past a certain distance. Shaking his head of those thoughts, Naruto channeled a bit of chakra into the seal, wondering who'd sent him a message, and hoping it wasn't Anko again.

The seal had been used 'accidentally' by Anko just the week before- although Anko's grin when he'd mentioned it to her made him suspect otherwise- and he'd been sent five minutes of her masturbating. The soundtrack was full of moaning, groaning, bed squeaking, wall knocking (7), and Anko screaming obscenities that praised his- as of yet unknown- sexual prowess, as well as other raunchy suggestions of what he should do to her; like breaking it wide open while he pulled her hair. The worst part was being stuck inside of a prepubescent body, and being unable to answer Anko's call to action, adding to his sufferage. It was hard sometimes being in a twelve year old's body, because Anko was slowly cracking his resolve.

You have...one...new message. First new message.

"Crap, how the hell do you operate this thing?" Sasuke's voice came out. "How do you start recording? Wait, what's this red...damn, it's already recording. Anyway, I just thought I'd mention that a bunch of the pedophile's goons tried to recruit me. After I don't them no, they decided that they were going to kidnap me for their perverted boss. Don't know how much longer I can hold them off- though given the noise, you'd think we'd have attracted some helpful attention by now- so by the time you get this message, I'll probably be kidnapped by Sound ninja with infected hickeys to be taken to be some perverts plaything. This message thing of yours better work, Dobe, and you better get the cavalry and come get me. I do not want to be gargling mayo because you dropped the ball."

So that's what he'd been forgetting...well shit. Much to the disappointment of his watcher, Naruto quickly dressed, and was out his window in a flash.

888888

Fifteen minutes later, the Konoha council was in session. After all, shinobi were rather quick to respond to threats made by a Kage level medic; especially when every shinobi knew that they'd have to visit the clinic or hospital at some point. Tsunade wasted no time getting right to the point.

"Sasuke Uchiha was kidnapped last night." The reactions were immediate, and predictable.

"Are we sure it was a kidnap?" Danzo asked, trying to play devil's advocate.

"There were signs of a struggle, and the forensics show that he put up a fight." Tsunade said. "Now stop being a dick. You and sensei are friends now, remember?"

"...ahem...right, sorry, but it's been a habit for decades, and I had a flashback." Danzo said shrugging. "A little hard to break, and this is the first council meeting since we made up. So, how did we find out young Uchiha was kidnapped?"

"He sent a secret message to Naruto." Tsunade answered. "Apparently the gaki has been developing contact seals that allow for people to send urgent messages up to five minutes long. Sasuke secretly sent one to Naruto last night, and Naruto brought the message to me this morning."

"Wait, Naruto has a way of sending secret messages, and he hasn't brought this to anyone's attention?" Sarutobi asked.

"Apparently, there's a distance issue." Tsunade remarked. "The maximum distance for a clear message is apparently from his apartment to the Hokage Monument. He was hoping to get it to work farther before bringing it to my attention. Now, can we please get back to issue at hand?"

"Right, I think we should send a team of Anbu after him." Danzo said. "Letting Orochimaru get his hands on the Sharingan is not something we can afford."

"That's true, but we're also unfortunately strapped for personnel." Sarutobi said. "Even thought we repelled the invasion much faster than we'd hoped, we still took enough losses that we can't spare extra without calling retired shinobi or lifelong Genin back into service to protect the village while our active duty shinobi are away."

"Not to worry, when he reported Uchiha's kidnap to me, Naruto suggested a team that he felt would be sufficient enough to deal with the problem." Tsunade revealed.

"Are you sure that the team he suggested will suffice?" Koharu asked. "How can you be sure he was correct? How did he know that his chosen team would be enough?"

"Plothole." Tsunade said. "He also suggested that Shikamaru lead the mission."

"Oh, okay then." She replied.

"Wait, I don't get it." Shikaku said. "Naruto claimed that he knew this team would suffice because of a plothole?"

"I understand your hesitance, Shikaku, but unlike the rest of us, you are not old enough to truly remember the Uzumaki Clan when they were at their full power." Hiruzen explained. "What you must understand, is that Kushina and Naruto are not isolated incidents. There was something not natural about that entire clan, and those who remember them will tell you that whenever an Uzumaki mentioned a plothole, it was best to just go with it, and don't ask too many questions."

"If it makes you feel any better, my grandmother was an Uzumaki, and I still don't believe half of the stuff I've seen with my own eyes." Tsunade admitted.

"Actually, that makes me even less comfortable." Tsunade just shrugged. She could certainly understand the sentiment.

888888

Meanwhile, the Sound Four had stopped to contemplate the problem they faced, and how they might go about fixing it before they got back to their base.

"So, he doesn't have the first stage Curse Seal of Heaven like Orochimaru-sama told us he would." Sakon started. "Without the first stage of the seal, both the Seishingan drug and the Shikoku Mujin are useless, as they don't have anything to bind to."

"Well, we could always just toss the fucker in the container without all that extra stuff." Tayuya said. "This way he'll be contained if he wakes up, and we won't have to worry about him trying to escape. We'll just let Kabuto deal with it."

"That works for me, because for the last hour something's been poking me in my back, and it's not a kunai." Jirobou griped, having been the one forced to carry their captive.

"Maybe the Uchiha likes dick, and is dreaming about fucking you fatty." Tayuya said with a smirk. "Tch, should have know the little shit would be in the closet. The way he made a stink about the master, and how much emphasis he put on not gargling mayo should have been an obvious sign that he was over-compensating."

"Whatever his preference, I think the he-bitch makes a good point." Kidomaru offered.

"Hey, fuck you, spider cunt." Tayuya snarled back.

Kidomaru continued as if she hadn't spoken. "Him not having the mark, us having to kidnap him, and not having the stage 2 seal when we arrive is already going to piss Orochimaru-sama off. It would be best for us if we made sure that aside from that, he arrived in pristine condition."

With that, Sasuke was pulled from Jirobou's back, placed in the container, and sealed up. Far more comfortable with this arrangement, Jirobo didn't mind carrying the container.

Luckily for Sasuke, and his aversion to finding out what analingus with Orochimaru's insanely huge tongue would be like, this gave the team led by Shikamaru consisting of Naruto, Neji, Chouji, and Kiba, a chance to catch up.

"Now this is interesting." Naruto said, grinning.

"Trip wire." Kiba said.

"Not just any tripwire, either." Shikamaru muttered. "One is made obvious by the reflections of the sun, while the other is hidden by the grass. It's a rather impressive double trap for a rush job."

"Must mean they're resting, or it's a trap." Neji said.

"Considering they had to fight Sasuke to get him out of the village, and the blood we smelled on the way suggesting another fight, they're probably resting." Shikamaru concluded. Neji activated his Byakugan, and quickly confirmed that they were resting. Shikamaru came up with a plan, and the boys executed it. Moments later, after a hidden trap that Naruto had forgotten about was sprung for a second time, Naruto gave the Sound Four a grin.

"Hey, before the big guy uses that Earth Jutsu that sucks out our chakra, can I ask you a question?" Naruto asked, getting a shrug from Sakon in answer. After all, answering a question wasn't likely to change the outcome of this encounter. "You're with Orochimaru, right?"

"What the fuck of it?" Tayuya spat.

"Did he give you guys infected hickeys like he tried to do to Sasuke-teme?" Naruto asked. The group of Genin snickered, while the Sound 4 grew angry. Winking in a random direction, Naruto said. "I bet he gave you all hickeys too. I swear, that guy is really creepy, giving hickeys to kids."

"It's not a hickey, it's a seal of power-" Kidomaru growled out, before he was duly interrupted.

"Orochimaru bit you on the neck right." They nodded. "Hickeys?"

"Hickeys." Chouji and Kiba replied together. Neji remained silent, while Shikamaru just muttered something that sounded like 'troublesome', but Naruto wasn't at all surprised.

"They're not hickeys." Sakon growled. One has to wonder about the people Orochimaru keeps around him, considering the second in command of his personal guards is sitting here arguing with a group of kids about whether their jujutsu was a hickey by virtue of its application technique. For the record, yeah, it counts as a hickey.

"Oh yeah, prove it's a seal, and not a hickey." Smirking, Sakon, Ukon, and Kidomaru tried to do just that...the key word is tried.

When nothing happened, Naruto smirked. Curious as to what was going on, Tayuya looked at the tubby bastard standing next to her, pulled down his collar, and blanched. Where Jirobo's Curse Seal used to be, should have been, there was only a love bite, with two pronounced places where the fangs had connected. Pulling Sakon's collar away, the multi-armed teen's eyes widened in shock when he also only found the remnants of a love bite.

"Ha, told you he gave you guys hickeys." Glaring, Tayuya made a quick decision.

"Fuck this, I didn't sign up for getting hickeys from pedophillic perverts who have hard-ons for bishies and pretty boys." Giving it a moment's thought- first Kimmimaro and now the Uchiha- Jirobou shrugged.

"While I may disagree with Tayuya's offensive existence on principle, I'm inclined to agree with her." He replied. "Besides, we're obviously not going to succeed, and you know how Orochimaru repays failure."

Kidomaru, Sakon, and Ukon did not agree. Having been three of the very few recruits of Orochimaru's that hadn't been manipulated into his service, they were loyal to the snake. Unfortunately for them, they were unable to access their Curse Seals. What makes this extra bad, is that we all know that said Genin could have defeated them even with those seals. Given that two of their number chose to defect, deciding to hope Konoha was as soft as they'd been led to believe, and they were without their power boosts, it's safe to say that things went badly for Sound on this mission.

To make matters worse, Kimimaro wouldn't begin his trip until after the group returned to Konoha. An extra long trip, getting caught up in a series of rather sinister traps meant for something small and agile that exhausted his Curse Seal, and a run in with Anbu would cause his heart to give out. He would sadly fail his master before he could even reach Konoha proper. The good news, is that it gave Konoha a chance to study the Curse Seal, the Dead Bone Pulse bloodline, as well as glean any secrets about Oto from his body that they didn't get from the other bodyguards, or that Tayuya and Jirobo hadn't already willingly given. But that was later.

On the way home, the Konoha shinobi just couldn't believe Naruto's luck. Not only had they succeeded in bringing Sasuke back- who'd been grateful for the save, disgusted at what had almost been his future, and mildly ticked that Naruto had insisted they take their time to conserve energy- but they'd also gained four/five new sources of information; two even alive and willing, and that knew the very inner workings of Orochimaru's hide outs.

"Can't believe that pasty son of a bitch gave me a censored. censored. expletive. censored. expletive. ouch. dude, is that even fucking possible. ewwww, bad images. what the hell. oh dear lord. wince. okay, just wow. hickey!" Tayuya growled, then shuddered.

"Wow, you sure curse a lot don't you." Naruto asked. When Tayuya didn't answer, Naruto spoke up again. "Well?"

"Shut up, and give me a minute." She spat. "I'm trying to find a way to answer that would maximize the number of profane expressions in a single affirmative response. It's a lot easier to do when I'm pissed off, and normally my former teammates gave me plenty of reason to be."

"Huh?" Naruto asked pausing.

"Cursing is my thing, shit stain." Tayuya said. "I happen to enjoy seeing just how much I can bother someone with my language. It's an artform that isn't for the faint of heart."

"Wow, that's kind of hot." Naruto said, wondering what she'd sound like in bed after having heard some of the profane things Anko had screamed over his communication seal. "I think Hinata-chan, Haku-chan, Anko-chan, and Karin-chan might like you; Sakura-chan I'm not so sure of."

"They your fucking girlfriends or something?" Naruto missed, or possibly ignored- who knows with him- Tayuya's mocking tone.

"Yes, actually," Naruto replied truthfully. "-they are." That actually startled the redhead.

"You're shitting me." Tayuya said.

"Not at all."

"Now that's im-fucking-pressive." Tayuya said. When she actually met the girls, she'd repeat the sentiment.

"Say, you wanna join my clan?" Naruto asked. "You've certainly got the hair for it."

"Sorry cockstain, but I don't do blonds." Tayuya answered, to which Naruto shrugged.

"That okay, I'm not sure if you'd have meshed with everyone anyway, and all additions have to be unanymous." Naruto said. "I was thinking more along the lines of big sister or something. Aside from me, and a few others, Uzumaki were known to have red hair. Besides, my current girlfriends probably wouldn't let me have another one anyway, and that's even if I did want another."

"Sure, why not?" Tayuya answered. It wasn't like it would mean anything, and having the protection of a clan would certainly benefit her. Ironically enough, Tayuya would be found to be an Uzumaki distantly. While not enough to be truly called an Uzumaki outright- after all, she couldn't read the family scroll- there were still enough trace genetics to register in the more advanced blood tests Tsunade was aware of.

888

Several hours later found Naruto in the council chambers petitioning to stay the execution of Jirobo and Tayuya. Apparently people weren't exactly forgiving of the fact that they were Orochimaru's Elite Guard, nor the part they'd played in the attempted assassination of the Hokage.

"Oh come on baachan, they came willingly, and they're willing to give up information."

"Did you even bother to ask why?" Tsunade asked. "How do you know they aren't spies?"

"That fucking Snake-bleep gave me a fucking hickey." Tayuya growled. "I don't care how strong he is, I'm not working for a guy who gives children hickeys." Tsunade, the various clan heads, and even the old War Hawk Danzo couldn't help but shiver in disgust.

"Yeah, and those hickeys were even making them like him too." Naruto said. "Look at what happened when Sasuke found out what happened. He didn't want anything to do with Creepy-teme, I'm sure they'd have felt the same way if they knew beforehand."

"Naruto, it's not that simple-" Tsunade was cut off by Naruto's next statement, one which shocked the council to its very core.

"Of course it is." Naruto replied. "It wouldn't be the first time a pretty redhead was taken from her home village, and had a seal put on her while she was forced to do something that she didn't want to."

Naruto smirked at the guilty looks on Sarutobi, Danzo, Homura, and Koharu's faces. While Tsunade smirked at the looks, even she had to admit. 'That was a low blow, gaki. Sure, Kushina had hated the idea of being the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki at first, but she'd looked up to Mito, and after a long talk with her grandmother, Kushina had changed her mind. Although, she did have to wonder why the girl had a perverted grin and nosebleed, and was rather eager for the transfer after the talk.'

"Besides, I've already adopted her into the Uzumaki Clan." Naruto continued.

"Oh, well then I guess we really can't do anything about that then." Sarutobi said. "You really should have said that from the beginning. What about Jirobo?"

"I think he and the Akimichi Clan could learn a lot from each other." Naruto said, glancing at the clan's head. "And if not, he can just join my family. Although, I think his Taijutsu style added to your techniques would be seriously badass."

"Alright, Naruto, they can stay, but they're both on probation." Tsunade said. "Not only that, but Tayuya will not only be your responsibility, but you will be held accountable for anything they do against the village."

"Not a problem." Naruto said grinning. "After all, I just recently found a loyalty seal in my family scroll. Once applied, if they do anything that can be considered treasonous, or that harms the village without a really good reason...well, let's just say that a few dozen affectionate hickeys from Orochimaru might just be preferable."

"I see." Tsunade said. "Well, if there's nothing else-"

"I protest." Shikaku said. "Hokage-sama, we can't just allow two members of Orochimaru's personal guard into the village so easily."

"Shikaku, you've seen first hand the effects of the loyalty seal I placed on my former Root ninja, have you not." Shikaku nodded. "The seal I used is a very poor bastardization of the little I was able to decipher of the Uzumaki Clan's loyalty seal."

"You have heard of the phrase 'cruel and unsual punishment', I'm sure." Sarutobi started with a grin. "The punishment for betrayal with that seal takes that phrase into overkill."

"Oh, forget I said anything." Shikaku said, realizing just how bothersome everything that he'd been learning recently about Naruto's clan really was. Now he understood why, despite his son being very good friends with Naruto, Shikamaru didn't often spend a lot of time around him.

888888

Having been dealing with it for decades, Hiruzen Sarutobi knew that clan matters could be bothersome, and time consuming, so the two old pranksters decided to wait a couple of days before striking back at their younger competition. This would not only give Naruto a chance to deal with getting Tayuya settled and acclimated to the village, but it would also ensure that he was distracted away from what they might be planning.

"So, do you feel at all guilty about what we're about to do?" Danzo asked as he and Sarutobi took seats on top of the building across the road from Ichiraku, a large radio between the two lawn chairs they'd set up, with a cooler stationed behind it.

"Not in the least." Hiruzen replied sagely. "Since Naruto doesn't seem to be all that concerned with flashing the goods of his Oiroke in public, I don't see why we should feel guilty for helping him along."

Down on the street below, two Chuunin were approaching the newly famous ramen stand from opposite directions. Meeting just in front, Naruto flashed his brother figure a wide smile.

"Hey Iruka-sensei, I got your note. I can't believe you're going to treat me to ramen."

"What, your note said that you were going to treat me." Iruka responded, his brow raised, before it furrowed in suspicion. "Shit."

Naruto gave an annoyed groan. "Are you thinking we've been had?"

"Yep."

Back on the roof, Danzo gestured to his friend. "Since he both used that jutsu on you, and taught your grandson how to do it, would you like to do the honors, Hiruzen?"

"Why thank you."

With that, he pressed play button on tape player. This heralded the start of a rather sensuous song (8). When the baseline of the track came in, it activated the seals and jutsu they'd incorporated into the prank song, forcing both Naruto and Iruka into an Oiroke like change, and placing them under a Genjutsu like hypnosis. Unfortunately, both NB knew what was coming, and thought the prank would be entirely amusing, ensuring that Naruto would be ensnared despite his Genjutsu preventing bloodline.

"Wow, I knew Naruto's jutsu was very beautiful, but I never would have expected Iruka to make for such a very attractive woman." Hiruzen said as the two genderbended women began to dance.

"Their movements are surprisingly sensual and feminine." Danzo commented clinically. "You would never guess that they were guys."

Hiruzen. "Oh my, who knew Naruto knew how to work a crowd so well. Those two have already made a killing in tips, and they've only just started exposing any skin."

Danzo. "And there goes their...pants? Um, I thought that the seal was only supposed to change them, not their clothes. I'm fairly certain that neither of them normally wear women's panties."

Hiruzen shook his head, not wanting to think about it too much. "It's probably the result of plothole or something given that an Uzumaki is involved. Does it really matter?"

"No, just curious." Danzo admitted, opening a can of prune juice.

"Well, there goes their tops..." Hiruzen noticed, accepting one of his own.

"And there go the projectile nosebleeds." Danzo concluded. "You know, from an objective position, it really allows one to admire the craftsmanship of the boy's technique. The figure is slim, but not skinny. Curvy, but realistically so. Well endowed, but not ridiculously so, more proportionate to her overall frame."

"Yes, and the girl's facial beauty is more natural and cute, rather than distractingly gorgeous." Hiruzen added, before they were faced with an awkward silence. "You do realize that two old men just rather clinically described and complimented Naruto's creation of what's likely a sixteen year old girl, right?"

Danzo cringed. "Shall we blame it on eccentricity and senility due to our age?"

Hiruzen quickly agreed. "Yes, less creepy and awkward that way. Oh look, Naruto's got something planned."

"Hmm, that's interesting, never would have thought to use them for that." Danzo replied, head tilted in curiosity.

"Indeed, but given their lack of durability, do you really think henged shadow clones make for good stripper poles?"

Apparently they did, because a few moments later Hiruzen developed a twitch around his eye. "Danzo, remind me to ask Naruto where the hell he learned to work a stripper pole like that?"

"Ahem...right. Well, the song is almost over, shall we make good our escape?"

"Good idea, before we see something else that we'd rather not." Hiruzen agreed, grabbing the cooler, as Danzo grabbed the radio.

As the song ended, Naruto and Iruka suddenly came back to themselves. When they saw that they were both wearing the forms of very sexy women, as well as completely naked aside from just a pair of lacy panties, embarrassment and panic set in...well, in one of them. A deeply horrified Iruka quickly tried to cover himself up, while Naruto just blushed in embarrassment, while scratching the back of his head. This of course did very pleasant things to the breasts he was currently sporting, causing even more bloodletting in the streets, and many women to glare at him. Both made quick their escape, with the two poles turning back into Naruto clones. While the first one gathered up their clothes, the second quickly snatched up the tips they'd made- after all, they'd earned them- before they too made their escape.

Elsewhere, in the privacy of Iruka's apartment, the pair quickly divested themselves of their female forms, and dressed once Naruto's clone carrying their clothes arrived. Staring his former teach in the eye, Naruto declared.

"We never speak of this."

Iruka was quick to reply. "Deal."

"You know what this means, right?" Naruto asked, his smile turning sinister.

With a matching grin, Iruka replied. "Yes, it's time to escalate."

While the pair had agreed that they would never speak of it, little did they know, Naruto's girlfriends had been given a heads up by the old guys. Iruka would find, much to his deep embarrassment, that Anko videotaped the entire thing for posterity, and her own personal collection.

That night, as Anko, Haku, and Karin watched the video of their (wo)man stripping, Anko licked her lips and crowed. "I can't wait until that gaki is old enough to seduce, because now I really wanna see the man version."

888

"GAKI, BIGGER GAKI, GEEZER, AND MUMMY!" Tsunade's voice yelled out of her office window the next afternoon. "MY OFFICE, NOW!"

"You think we might be in trouble, Sarutobi?" Danzo asked.

"Well, I'd normally say no, but considering the mood she's in, possibly." Sarutobi said. "Best to not keep her waiting."

"Sit!" Tsunade ordered after all of the prank war participants arrived in her office. "Now, let's get one thing straight, there will not be another episode like what happened yesterday in my village, do we understand each other?"

Noticing the spastic tic near her eye, they all agreed that confirming was the best option. "No problem, Tsunade-baachan."

"Now, I won't lie and say I'm not interested in who will come out the victor," Tsunade admitted, much to Naruto and Iruka's shock. Danzo and Hiruzen were less surprised, having known the woman as a mischievous child. "-however, you will restrict the effects of your pranks only to those who are participating in this contest. This means no more pranks of a massive disruptive nature like that strip show the two gakis put on, am I understood?"

Again, all four answered in the affirmative. "Good, now get out before I'm tempted to give you all incontinence for sticking with this bullshit job."

"Tsunade, if I may make a request?" Sarutobi asked, getting a frustrated nod. "I would like to start pranking the Anbu."

Rubbing her temples to stave off the headache she knew was coming, she asked. "And why are you wanting to prank the Anbu?"

"Because being labeled the best in the village has made them complacent." Sarutobi revealed. "Our village's security relies upon them quite a bit, and if they are complacent, then things like Orochimaru's invasion are allowed to happen. Routine, yet randomly timed pranks will help to keep them on their toes."

"Why to I get the feeling that you've done this before?" Tsunade asked.

"Not me, per se, but I allowed Naruto a lot of leeway for his pranks on the Anbu and Military Police." Hiruzen admitted. "After the first time he'd done it, I assigned Kakashi's team to keep an eye on him, and to make note of all of the potential security risks he exploited to get in and out of their headquarters. They were also assigned with helping him escape early on. I didn't know whether to be disappointed with the Anbu, or impressed with Naruto when he no longer needed help to escape by the time he made his second attempt at graduating the academy."

"I'll consider it, but I would want to know what you're planning to do beforehand, so that I can make sure that your pranks don't leave our security weakened."

Turning to his pseudo-grandson, Sarutobi held out his hand. "Ceasefire and team up for the Anbu pranks."

"Deal." Naruto quickly agreed, having several plots that he'd cancelled after becoming a ninja because he felt he shouldn't do that anymore.

Giving a raised browed smirk to Danzo, Iruka said. "You know, I actually feel sorry for them."

"You should." Danzo replied.

Having been on the receiving end of pranks from Sarutobi, and occasionally Naruto when Hiruzen set him up to take the pranks aimed at him, he had an inkling of exactly what the Anbu were in for. Just the fact that Naruto now had someone with the actual skill to help him pull off some of the ideas that his own skill level had made impossible spelled trouble for them, nevermind the twisted things Hiruzen might add to them. To be perfectly honest, he and Iruka wouldn't even really have to do anything but watch the fireworks.

888888

Madara Omake

Under his assumed identity of Tobi, Obito Uchiha casually strolled down one of the roads of Otafuku Gai, headed towards the bank that held Akatsuki's account. Many would find it ironic that a technically evil organization would hold their funds in a well respected banking establishment such as Fire Country First National, but really, it's not rocket science. They couldn't do their banking in any of the capital cities of the Great Five, as according to Kisame, that would ruin their street cred. Of the banks that were left, their current account holders gave the best exchange rates, as well as the best interest rates compared to every other bank. It also didn't hurt that being located in a city known for its brothels and gambling parlors meant that it was just shady and sleazy enough that they could keep their bad guy image intact.

Obito, who was also taking on the mantle of Madara Uchiha, at least until such a time as his descendant was resurrected turned a corner, and dodged an adorable little girl who'd been speeding around the corner that reminded him of his latter namesake. More than once, Obito was thankful that his relation to Madara Uchiha was not a direct one, as his immediate family was from the more mentally stable brother Izuna's line. Although, given that there were at least two Uzumaki spouses in said line, that could be legitimately debated.

Anywho, Obito casually strolled, whistling a song that he'd learned from his sensei's pervy girlfriend, and had long since forgotten the words to. It was too bad that, as he'd gotten a kick out of Madara's reaction to the sewer dwelling lyrics of the song. As he turned onto the road that led directly to the bank, a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. With an almost negligent action, his hand shot out, grabbed some cloth, and lifted. To his amusement, he found what looked to be a very young homeless boy in ragged clothing scowling at him.

"It's not right to steal. If you steal, you can't be a good boy like Tobi." Obito said, smiling behind his mask, only to receive an even fiercer scowl. "Fine, at least don't get caught if you're going to steal."

"Thanks for catching that little thief." A man called as Obito carried the boy back to the stand he'd just run from. "That little brat is going to pay for nicking from me."

Taking in the half a roll of bread that the boy was holding possessively to his chest, Obito gave a sigh. "Tobi believes that stealing is bad, but being mean to children is worse."

Obito grabbed a basket full of rolls, and handed it to the child who he then sat back on the ground. "What are you-"

Reaching into his pocket, Obito handed the man a few bills, and said. "Tobi is a good boy, because he helps feed the orphans."

After all, even if Madara's plan was likely going to result in the death of his sensei's only son, that didn't mean he didn't feel guilty about it, nor did that alleviate the sadness he'd felt at learning about how Naruto had grown up, and being unable to help the orphaned boy.

With that, he continued on down the road, leaving the dumbfounded man behind. As he passed a stand that was selling fresh vegetables, a basket full of circular red delights caught his attention. While he knew that he probably shouldn't, Obito couldn't resist the call of the sweet, delectable veggie-fruit. Besides, he'd helped feed a hungry, homeless child, so that called for a small reward, right? Decision made, Obito stopped at the stand, and purchased a beautiful, bright red, tomato. Still, erring on the side of caution, he made sure not to get one that was too large. Even still, Obito could be found humming in delight as he approached the bank munching on his tomato.

Upon reaching the bank, Obito couldn't contain his sigh of disappointment at the bank he was looking at. While yes, it was an impressive sight to some, it paled in comparison to the bank in the Hi no Kuni capital. Even still, that one paled in comparison to the most impressive bank he'd ever seen. It was during one of his early forays into mastering his Kamui, when he'd accidentally dimension hopped just a little too far. The imposing, snow-white, multistoried marble building (9) was extremely impressive. Why couldn't banks in the Elemental Nations look like that? Shaking his head, Obito entered the building while wiping his hand on his cloak.

The masked man sighed as he stepped into the rather long line to wait for a free bank teller. Personally, he thought that Akatsuki would have been better off getting an account manager for things like this. Unfortunately, being the cheap bastard that he was, Kakuzu refused to cough up the fees to hire either a bank account manager or a CFO for the organization. Hell, that bastard was even too cheap to consider springing for a certified accountant on retainer to make sure that their taxes were in order each year. Granted, Kakuzu was really good with money, so having a CFO really wasn't necessary, but having a professional accountant to check his work to make sure that all their funds and receipts were accounted for was a very good idea.

I mean really, you did not want to get the attention of Elemental Nations Revenue Service, and you certainly didn't want to warrant a personal visit from the group known and addressed far and wide simply by capitalized pronouns of indeterminate gender such as Them, They, or Their. Rumor had it that the head of the organization was an illegitimate child born of a very kinky Uzumaki woman after a wild night where a sperm from a teenage Madara Uchiha and Hashirama Senju both fertilized the same egg, and by some crazy miracle, the egg developed into a perfectly healthy baby (10).

Obito gave a shudder as he stepped up to the open teller. Maybe it was time he donned his temporary Madara persona, and suggested to Pein that they get an legit accountant just to be on the safe side.

"Good afternoon, how can I help you?" The surprisingly perky teller asked.

"Tobi is a good boy, and Tobi would like to make a deposit." Obito replied unsealing a duffle bag, and placing it on the counter.

"I'll get you the requisite form right away." She said, scooting her rolling chair- which Obito had to admit looked fun- over to a large cabinet, and pulled out, then replaced a folder once she'd taken a sheet out.

"Just fill this deposit slip out, and I'll get you squared away."

As Obito took the form and began to fill it out, the young woman snuck a peek inside. At seeing all of the money inside, her eyes widened and her jaw almost hit the floor. With a very flirtatious look in her eyes, she addressed the man in front of her.

"Wow, you've certainly been busy." She flirted huskily. "I get off in a couple hours, perhaps I can help you relax after all that hard work."

"Sorry, but Tobi is spoken for." Obito said, his mind immediately going to the girl who'd captured his heart, only to become obsessed with their sensei's humongous penis. The woman who'd been committed to an insane asylum after it was found that she planned to raise their sensei's son with a severe Oedipal Complex. His attention completely fixed on the deposit slip, he missed the disappointed pout the woman gave him, as well as the looks of awe he received from several guys still in line. After all, if he was turning down a sure thing with a woman that hot because he was spoken for, just how hot was the woman he was with.

Nearing the end of the slip, Obito pulled a sheet of paper out of his pocket, and began copying the number into the space reserved for the account number. Unfortunately, this was when his actions from only forty minutes prior would come back to haunt him. Tobi had been given one simple mission, to go to the bank and make the monthly Akatsuki deposit. Running an organization like their took a substantial amount of funds, but the numerous S-rank missions that could easily be taken by pairs of ridiculously strong S-rank ninja paid a lot. Of course, Obito had done something rather foolish. After doing his good deed, he'd used his pocket money to appease his fix for tomatoes.

As he began writing the account number, Obito felt a very strong itch in his nose. Using every shinobi trick at his disposal, he was able to hold off the sneezing fit that he knew was coming until he was almost finished. Just as he was writing the last number, a colossal sneeze forced its way out. Luckily, that was the only sneeze that came. Counting his blessings, Obito handed the disappointed woman the deposit slip, took his receipt, and quickly ran off for some privacy before his recently acquired allergic reactions to tomatoes really caught up with him.

As she was inputting the data into her computer, the young, extremely pretty bank teller glared at her screen. "Whoever this Tsunade chick is, she's so lucky to have a rich boyfriend like him (11)."

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In Konoha, Tsunade was taking a well deserved lunch break. Deciding not to work through said lunch, she reached over and retrieved the mail that Shizune had delivered just a few minutes before, separating her personal mail to go through first. Sifting through the surprisingly small stack, especially considering how much money she owed, she noticed her personal bank statement sitting at the bottom. She let out grimaced cringe, knowing that along with her statement, there would be a note inside detailing just how much she was in debt. She wasn't sure she wanted to see the likely six figure sum that she owed to various people and agencies, but figured she may as well face the music.

Imagine her shock when she looked through her statement and found that not only had her debt been cleared, but that she now had several million ryo to her name. She didn't know how or why this was, but she wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth, no matter how bad an omen this might end up being.

"Shizune, get my coat!" Tsunade yelled, grinning at the flyer on her desk. "We're hitting up Shady Hall!"

"Absolutely not, you have too much work to do to put it off." Shizune protested as she paled at the mention of Konoha's most notorious gambling den. "Besides, you don't have any money to be gambling, and you're already in enough debt."

"Not anymore," Tsunade cheered showing off her bank statement. "Check out all of those zeroes. My debt is paid, and I'm free and clear."

Shizune stared at the ridiculous sum of money in shock for a moment, before quickly recovering. "Well, you're still not going until you finish your paperwork."

"Shizune!" Tsunade growled.

"Tsunade-sama, you promised naruto that you would do the job right, was that a lie?"

Tsunade stared at her first apprentice, not believing that she would use the gaki to blackmail her. Sitting back down, the Hokage grumbled about the unfairness as she started her paperwork with a renewed vigor. "Stupid gaki, and stupid promises." Still, she didn't complain too much. After all, there was a very bright light at the end of the tunnel waiting for her when she finished.

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Elsewhere

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE BROKE?!" Kakuzu yelled into the phone before hearing the click of the line going dead. "TOBI I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"But Tobi put the money in just like you said." Tobi protested running from a pissed off Kakuzu. "Waaaahhh, Tobi is a good boy!"

"ALL OUR MONEY!" Kakuzu screamed as his hearts started detaching. "MY HARD EARNED MONEY!"

Pein watched the spectacle with what could easily be deemed as frustration. "Konan, remind me why we don't quit, and just run Amegakure like normal village leaders?"

Konan, who was just as frustrated as her long time friend gave a sigh. "Yahiko, and world peace."

"Do you think he would really mind if we cut our losses, and got lost?"

"Just be patient, Nagato, everything will work out soon, you'll see." Konan coached quietly. 'Dear Kami I hope it's sooner rather than later, because I don't know how much more of this I can take.'

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Key

1. yes, this is who you think it is. yes, she escaped again. yes, she mistook the Henge'd Sasuke for Naruto.

2. this was done intentionally as a representation of the relationship he had with his immediate family, and his current feelings about them

3. bird

4. Mito was gorgeous, Kushina was pretty hot, Karin could get it, and even Naruto's female version is super hot. Tell me I'm wrong, and I'll direct your attention to Mito ch.500 p.4/5, Kushina ch.497 p.16, Karin ch.348 p.6, Naruko ch.91 p.7, or you can just search for pictures of them.

5. I saw this in Lucillia's Time Mix-Up- though Naruto was saying this to Hinata after she forfeited due to Naruto's team being disqualified before the prelims- and I thought it was a very profound bit of wisdom for anyone training for something.

6. the very one mentioned back in chapter 4

7. Anko can use Kage Bunshin, and has lots of different sized toys, just let the possibilities simmer in your brain for a bit.

8. 'Sugar Water' by Cibo Matto

9. yes, this was Gringotts, and yes, he accidentally visited the Harry Potter universe

10. Imagine if Ashura-Naruto and Indra-Sasuke somehow knocked up Tsunade with a single superbaby, and that would give you an idea of what people assume the ENRS Head is like genetically. Then assume this child completely lived up to the potential greatness that its three parents suggested it would have.

11. it just so happened that Tsunade's bank account number was exactly the same as the Akatsuki's except for a single number. The last number of Akatsuki's account is 1, the last number of Tsunade's account number is 7

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Random Omake

"Hey teme, your abition is to kill your brother right?"

"Yes, what of it?"

"Why would you want to do that?"

"He killed my family."

"So I guess that means that I should kill you, right?"

"What?"

"An Uchiha killed my mother, so by your logic, that means I should hate you." Naruto knew that his logic was way off, but Sasuke was too single minded to pick it up.

"Wait...but," Naruto held ups his hand. Now as we are all aware just from a single read through, had Sasuke actually taken the time to really think about what Naruto said, he'd have realized that the circumstances of the two situations were completely different, called bullshit, and torn apart Naruto's argument with the ease of wet tissue. However, since Naruto is insistent upon redeeming- or at least rehabilitating the bastard- and this is his pivotal moment of enlightenment, he completely missed it.

"Sasuke, think about this. Itachi told you to get eyes like his, and come after him, right?" Sasuke glared. "Well, why would you want to do exactly what he wants you to do? Think about it, other than my pranks, what pissed off people the most when we were in class?"

"When you deliberately...dis-obeyed." Naruto grinned.

"Exactly." Naruto cheered. "What better way to piss Itachi off, then by completely ignoring what he wants you to do, and live your life for yourself?"

"You know, I really hate it when you make sense, and use logic to make valid points." Sasuke deadpanned.

"Really creeps you out, doesn't it?" Naruto asked. "Best prank I've come up with since painting the monument."

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Random Omake 2

Frustrated at the fact that Naruto has two summon contracts, though not enough to make him defect or think running into the comfort of Orochimaru is a good idea, Sasuke spends the entirety of his day off, and goes searching the Uchiha compound for a summon contract. He finds one, and brings it to their next training session, and orders Kakashi to teach him how to summon. Shrugging, Kakashi does. With a discreet wink (and a mouthed surprise me) just as Sasuke slams his hand into the ground, Naruto changes the destiny of the Uchiha's great summons. A loud hehaaw echoes through the clearing, and when the smoke clears, a large donkey is standing next to the dark haired boy.

"Not what I was expecting, but certainly fitting." Sasuke was not amused...Naruto and Sakura were though.

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Questions of the Chapter

1. Let us assume that Naruto knows the Hiraishin. If it was going to be him and one other vs. say, 1000 enemy ninja, who would be the best teammate to help him face that?

My Answer: Tenten. Twin Rising Dragon or a variation with a couple hundred Hiraishin kunai, and Naruto utilizing something like the Shuriken Kage Bunshin to recreate that arrow massacre from 300, followed by him and a hundred or so clones using Hiraishin...shouldn't take long.

2. Without his weights on, do you think that Lee could have defeated Neji?