Epiphany:

The End of a Life

I never wanted things to end like this.

I wanted to live.

I had so much left to do in this world, and now… I never will.

I'll never get to see them again.

Misato

Rei

Asuka

They were all I had in this world… the only thing I really had left to live for. Just to know that I could see them smile everyday… made my life that much brighter.

And now, they're gone.

There I was - once upon a time - not caring if I lived or died. Always going with the flow, never questioning, never asking myself if I had a choice in the matter. I left my conscience behind me, and blindly followed others.

At least… I did, until today.

-Misato….

You were the closest thing to a mother I've ever had. I really mean it.

I know that you can never replace what was taken from me, but despite all my fumbles, all my hardships… you were the thing that kept me going. You gave me strength when I needed it the most.

So… thanks for everything…

-Rei….

I'm sorry that I never got to spend more time with you. From the very moment I first laid eyes on you, I thought you were the most unique person I'd ever seen.

There are so many wonderful things in this world left for me to show you… so much beauty that you've missed.

I'll never get the chance to experience them with you.

…Never get to see you smile again…

I'm so sorry… Please, forgive me.

-Father.

I had so many questions… though the most important of these is the simplest.

Why?

Why have you forsaken me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Was I so much a burden… that you wished I were never born? Is that it?

Questions that will forever go unanswered.

I don't blame you for what has happened, but… if you're hearing this, I'm glad that I could have finally done something for this family.

-Asuka….

…I…

…Before I met you, I had nothing.

My life had been an empty hole for so long, that I didn't even know how to feel anymore. I've never had any real friends… not even before I came to this city, all those days ago.

I was all alone.

I didn't want to care about life ever again…

There were times that I actually wondered if anyone would care, if I were gone…

…All that changed, once I met you.

You were everything that I never was: Courageous, Spirited, Awe-inspiring, Talented, Beautiful…

But most of all, you were You.

You didn't let other people keep you down. You believed in yourself when no one else would. You always tried your hardest at everything you ever did.

Even when you were chiding me to be a man, I always knew - you did it out of kindness. I know that it sounds crazy coming from me, but all those times when you were giving me grief…

It was because you cared.

No one else ever would have…

Over time, I started to feel again.

I started to believe in myself…

…Asuka…

I know that I never got to tell you this, but…

Thank you.

Thank you so much, for finally making me feel like a person again.

You…. You were the only friend I ever had in this world… the only person that ever understood me.

And now… you're gone.

…I know that it's too late to ask for anything, but… if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please…

…Don't ever give up on me.

I'm… Asuka, I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry…!

I really wanted to see you again… just once.

I still had so much to tell you…!

…I really did.

I'm….I'm scared Asuka…

I don't want to die here…!

I want to live!

Asuka.!?

Misato?!

…Rei!

Please help me!

Within a dimly lit conference room of the N.E.R.V. facility, the last cries of Shinji Ikari went piercing throughout the small enclosure, the few people attending the after-action debrief stunned into total silence by the complete despair in the Third Child's voice . The audio had cut off so abruptly you could hear a pin drop in the silence, the ambiance in the air so thick, it could be cut in two.

It was the sounds of a man who had lost everything he cared about.

A certain bottle-blonde was the first to address the current state of affairs, turning everyone's attention to the little black box seated on a table before them as she gazed at it.

"Unfortunately, the recording ends there," she mused, running her hand over the battle recorder. "The life support within Shinji's entry plug must have just expired around that time."

Taking that knowledge to heart, a familiar purple-haired goddess rose on shaky legs from her seat, a very cold chill going down her spine.

"Ritsuko," she stepped uncertainly toward her, trying to find her voice. "Is he…, did Shinji-"

The blonde scientist faced her colleague-and-friend with a forlorn expression upon her picturesque features, "In simple terms, yes, Shinji died. Though he was conscious after we extracted him from Unit 01, there's no telling how long he had been trapped in the entry plug without life support…"

Misato nearly doubled over as her mind tried to process the onrush of emotions hitting her right then. What was going to happen to her Shinji-kun. Was he still the same selfless individual that she knew and loved.

Or… was he gone forever.

"Ritsuko," she began again, fighting to maintain composure. "Please, tell me he's going to be ok…"

A dejected look from the blonde scientist answered her back, "There are a number of factors you have to consider-"

Misato grabbed her friend firmly by the shoulders then, shaking with pent up anxiety, grief, and despair. "Tell me he's going to be ok!" she shouted.

Tears were starting to form in the major's chocolate-brown eyes, her pink lips quivering ever slightly. She had, no… needed to know the truth. Even if it killed her, she had the right to know if Shinji was still the same.

"Tell me…" she whispered.

Ritsuko's grim expression had not changed, and with a reluctant sigh, she lowered her head as she delivered the bad news, blonde tresses casting shadows over her face.

"I can't really say as to how long the life support had been knocked out before we managed to drag him out of Unit 01," spoke Ritsuko solemnly. "…But we cannot rule out the possibility that he may have suffered brain damage while trapped inside that thing without oxygen."

Misato felt the color drain from her face, features aghast as the gears began to turn within her mind. So many 'what if' or 'would he' scenarios flashed before her.

Would he still recognize himself, his friends, his family?

Would he still be able to pilot the EVA?

Was there any hope left…?

Ritsuko lifted her head, staring hard at the purple-haired Major. "In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if he has to live off of a respirator the rest of his life. His mind - for all intents and purposes - is gone. And if the artificially induced coma doesn't kill him first, then the Angels will."

Arms feeling like dead weights, Misato let her arms fall loosely to her sides.

So that was it then. He was gone. He would never walk again, never talk again, never smile at her whenever she came home. Shinji would never be human ever again, just rot away like an empty shell inside a body he could no longer will to live.

The face of the faux-blonde softened. "I'm sorry, Misato…" she said, her voice absent of that usual intelligent mirth. She slowly placed a complacent hand on her companion's shoulder, "There's nothing that can be done…"

The tears finally came.

After all the stress of trying to raise two kids on her own, all the tension leading up to the ill-fated rescue of Unit 01, after hearing Shinji cry his heart out in his final moments…

It became too much to take.

Shinji…

She never felt her legs give away, never felt the cold unforgiving floor bite into her knees. Misato crumbled to the floor in a dejected mess as her world fell apart to nothingness, her anguished sobs piercing the quiet room. Shinji was her everything, the one light in her dark, abysmal life that had given her hope. She had been given a chance to make him feel like he belonged in this world; no more living alone, no more mindless torture.

Misato could have given him a life… and now… it was taken away from her.

No… no… No…! This can't be happening!

"…Shinji….!"

Apathetically, Ritsuko turned to regard her fellow charges, Rei and Asuka; the only two other people in the room that had bothered to show during the debriefing for the 12th Angel attack, rows upon rows of empty seats lining each elevated step from front to back.

She felt disgusted by this. How in God's name the Commander had been absent for the fate of his own son's demise was entirely beyond her comprehension. The kid was practically on his own deathbed now, and the bastard couldn't even be bothered to see him off from this world.

It made her sick and angry at the same time. Though to be frank, after all the Third Child had gone through in his life at NERV, she doubted that Shinji would have wanted to see the old man after all the trouble he had caused him…

It was Gendo's fault, all of it.

He had put these children through hell, just for the sake of fulfilling some perverted fantasy of bringing his dead lover back from the grave.

Bastard…

Turning her attention to the fairest of them all, Akagi scrutinized the First Child for any signs of penitence in the lifeless embodiment of a human.

Rei was quietly seated in the front row of the conference room, the vast array of other empty chairs making her stand out in the crowd. Pale hands were folded neatly on her lap in front of her, beautiful face expressionless as ever.

No, Ristuko thought to herself in hindsight.

To a casual observer, one would mistake the blue-haired beauty's appearance for that of a doll; cold, frail, …unfeeling. However, if one were to look closer, you would notice the barely imperceptible frown on Rei's strawberry-pink lips; the glassy void in her ruby-red eyes.

She would miss him.

The blonde-haired doctor knew that the time they were together had been cut incredibly short, but Shinji had made enough of an impact on the habitually stoic girl to warrant feelings of remorse from the First Child; something that would have seemed impossible to even comprehend just a few months ago.

'Everyone has their own way of expressing loss.' thought Ritsuko, her dispassionate gaze lingering on Rei for a moment longer. Whether or not the ruby-eyed angel had developed feelings of affection towards Shinji were lost on the buxomly scientist.

…And quite honestly, it wouldn't have mattered.

Glancing over the quiet girl's head, Dr. Akagi furrowed her brow, realization suddenly dawning on her as a certain redheaded Child was nowhere to be seen.

Where is Asuka…

A beautiful young lady, eyes like the color of a blue sky, long patrician hair kissed by flame, stood in stillness of a dark hospital room on a warm summer night, a crimson-on-obsidian black plugsuit clinging to her every modest curve.

The artificial sunset of the Geo Front had long since passed, and the manmade lights serving as the underground city's nightfall now poured in through the cracks of the window-blinds to cast many a flat shadow against the featureless walls and ceiling. Narrow shafts of creamy light played out against the girl's angelic face, her pale countenance glowing against the dark backdrop of their surroundings, a look of pure dismay across her luminous features.

Mein Gott…

The protracted beeps of a heart monitor droned on in the relative taciturnity, complimented by the soft rasp of an air pump as it's mechanical lungs expanded and contracted to an invisible metronome that would never cease.

Azure eyes of the Second Child moved over the wilted form laying in a hospital bed, all manner of tubes and wires strewn around the floor beneath him like discolored worms. A breathing apparatus was tied to his face, reprocessed air being forced into his lungs, ceaseless, unremitting…

Shinji…

The eyes of the Third Child were closed, almost strained in a way… like he could feel the pain amidst the Lidocaine and Valium pumping into him. His chest rose and fell in time with the discord of medical machines around his bed; an obscure orchestra playing just for him.

Why did this have to happen…?

Asuka felt her heart twist in knots at seeing him now, the enormity of the situation finally hitting home. She had seen Shinji like this before, confined to a hospital room after trying to be the damned hero… but this was worse.

Much, much worse.

"Coma. Brain damage. Seizures. Cardiac arrest…"

The fiery-haired goddess had fled the conference room upon hearing Ritsuko's incessant bleats. It was lies, Asuka had told herself, all of it; the Invincible Shinji always came back in one piece… even if - at times - her wounded pride had wished for him not to.

Without fully comprehending her reasons for doing so, the gorgeous German girl had gone to him, not even bothering to change out of her plugsuit in her haste. It seemed impossible to believe, and yet there she was - her -the Asuka Langley Soryu, actually concerned about the life of a country bumpkin-turned-Eva pilot extraordinaire.

Had it been a few months ago, the enviable redhead would have never even considered the notion of caring for the baka.

When she strolled into his dark hosptial room, she had been rearing to give Shinji the absolute tongue-lashing of the century. Things like: 'What were you thinking?!' and 'Are you stupid!' were just a tip of the iceberg of the fierce reprimand Asuka had had in store him.

…Looking at the boy now, half-dead, with no real hope of ever waking up again…

It made her feel… empty, cold…

Alone.

Asuka was by herself with her emotions, the canto of monotone beeps from the heart monitor nearby her only solace. How long had she been standing there? Minutes? Hours? It seemed like days. The auburn-haired girl had come here, looking for answers… and now… she wished to God that she never had.

"Shinji…" she whispered, more to herself than anyone. Any disdain or misgivings she may have had for the Third Child in the past had all been bled dry. It was appalling, terrifying even, to see the young brown-haired pilot reduced to such a sad state.

The auburn-haired goddess stepped warily towards him, shaky legs barely supporting her as she drew closer to the bed. Over and over again, she kept hearing his words play through her mind…

'…Before I met you, I had nothing.'

'I was all alone.'

'You were the only friend I ever had in this world…'

She stopped just short of arms-length from his bed, standing directly beside him, downcast eyes clouded over by her bouffant ginger bangs. A friend, he'd said - she certainly didn't feel like a friend to Shinji, especially now. She had always berated him, for everything he did wrong… always giving him hell when he didn't deserve it.

There had so many times, when Asuka just wanted to let go… to finally let that mask slip away. She didn't want to be alone anymore, …and after learning of Shinji's plight, neither had he. In many ways, there were both one and the same… wanting to reach out to others, but always afraid of the pain.

And so, Shinji dealt with others by tuning out the world around him, closing the door to his heart so no one would ever break it. In his defense, he surrounded himself in a shell, afraid to ever express himself for fear of being rejected… and in return, it had made him suffer to the core.

As for Asuka; she on the other hand, just pretended not to care about the lives of anyone or anything. She was a big girl - she didn't need the help of others, not her friends, not her family… not anyone.

…Including him…

Looking back on it now, the dazzling redhead saw that she were no different than Shinji.

-Some friend I turned out to be…

A few tense moments passed, the steady tick-tick of a clock on a wall; electronic intonations of a heart monitor steadily rolling on. It was during this time, that the auburn-haired girl actually looked at the slumbering boy before her, really looked at him.

Even in near death, he still wore that quiet, unassuming façade upon his handsome face… like nothing was wrong in the world of Shinji Ikari.

"Hey…" the blue-eyed beauty asked, finding her voice at last. "…Can you hear me?"

Silence amongst the machines answered her back.

"It's me, Asuka…" she said despondently. "I… I wanted to see how you were doing."

In truth, the fiery-haired teenager had no idea what to do in a situation like this: her words could very well be falling on deaf ears for all she knew. Yet, despite her previous misgivings about the Third Child, Asuka found herself wishing that every insult, every putdown she had ever hurled at the younger Ikari for her own personal enjoyment could be taken back in full.

"I heard about what you said," she continued, nervously tucking a few stray locks of hair behind her ear. "About me… Misato… Rei… everything."

Shinji was, again, impassive - not even so much as a twitch. The mechanical breaths of the respirator went uninterrupted, his clothed chest rising and falling in tune with the machine.

Asuka grew restless, squeezing one of her shoulders - hardly a reassurance, but it was all she had. "Ritsuko keeps saying that you're never going to wake up," she said, "that you'll spend the rest of your life like this…"

The German goddess looked away in thought, "Misato doesn't want to believe her, I don't believe her… and as for Wondergirl? Well… to tell you the truth, I don't know what the First Child thinks… about anyone."

For whatever reason, Asuka became quite agitated at that thought. What the hell did she care for the albino girl anyway? It wasn't like Rei was rushing to Shinji's aid, every beck-and-call, and she highly doubted the blue-haired idol could feel a shred of sympathy for the boy at all.

Then… why is it I feel threatened by her somehow…?

"-But then again," the German girl lightened up suddenly, "What do they know, yah?"

Asuka turned to regard her fellow pilot, the tone of her voice shifting to a more whimsical tone.

"Nothing could ever beat the Invincible Shinji! You're the Number 1 pilot of NERV - The Killer of Angels-" she emphasized her next words by placing a hand on her chest, "-Second only to the Great Asuka Langley. Just you wait, Third Child, I'll show you! Once you're back, you'll have some serious catching up to do when my sync scores surpass yours."

Asuka couldn't help but laugh at that. Yes, that would be swell. So far, Shinji had beaten her to 1st place in that area… and from the looks of things, she wouldn't be competing with him anytime soon.

"-You'll be back," Asuka said beaming. "And then, you've got to make up for all the trouble you caused while you were gone…"

The forced smile on the nubile goddess' face was little conciliation to her, and for a second time, she felt her confidence fading away, that impenetrable mask beginning to erode.

"Yeah… if you come back…"

The exotic maiden bowed her head, her expression dark, unreadable. All pretense and joviality had been bled dry from the beautiful young woman. As she hugged her arms around her slim waist, the quiet whispers of clothed hands against latex defying the stony silence, she contemplated the one thing left to do…

So much could be said, and yet so little of it would ever be enough to appease the guilt the ravishing redhead felt. How many insults had she spewed forth on Shinji's presence? How many putdowns had she thrown in his face?

Would she ever be able to take it all back…?

Asuka took a deep breath, measuring her next words carefully. If there was indeed a God, looking down on her now, she hoped that someday, somehow, she could be forgiven.

"Look… I know that it's not my place or anything, but…" she exhaled a shaky sigh, "I just want you to know… that I'm…-"

Asuka's voice became almost that of a whisper, "-What I'm trying to say is…"

'Say it,' the voice within her begged. The girl's heart - her very soul - was crying out for this moment. How many times since… had she wanted to finally let her guard down? How many years had she played the pantomime of a blissful teenager, where the world had been her stage to perform, always smiling, always pretending…

"-I'm…"

Say it.

Say it. Say It. SAY IT.

Asuka lifted her gaze then, desolate sky-blue eyes peering out through a tangle of auburn bangs covering her face.

"…I'm sorry…" she murmured; spoken any softer, a prayer. Her gaze held Shinji's youthful features as she spoke those two coveted words.

It sounded… strange, alien even. Asuka had never apologized to someone before, let alone Shinji. And yet, it seemed horribly ironic in a way, that she would be the one to seek out pacification from him.

In the end… Asuka went looking for the last person she wanted on Earth for help.

"I'm sorry…" she repeated, sounding more anguished than she ever had in her life. "-For everything. I know that I can't undo all that I have done to you… but, if you can hear me-"

Asuka's sky-blue eyes shimmered, "-Please, forgive me," she said, the faintest hint of tears forming. "I… I'll never call you stupid again, …or make fun of you, …or hit you…"

She huddled over him, long lustrous hair tumbling over her shoulders as her body became wracked with barely restrained sobs.

It was all happening again like before. Everything around her was coming apart - the lives of everyone she ever met being reduced to ashes.

"…I need you…" she whispered, long fiery mane falling over her face. The Second Child more resembled a fallen angel than a pilot then, crying out for salvation.

Her stomach clenched, like an iron vice had taken hold, and the memories of a forgotten childhood resurfaced with all the vigor of an ocean wave. When her overwrought mother could no longer recognize Asuka as her own daughter, when all she had ever wanted was to be accepted by someone - anyone.

…It had been the darkest time of her life, when she had never felt so helpless.

"Please…" Asuka begged, her lips quivering. "Don't leave me alone…"

Timidly, the auburn-haired beauty reached out an unsure hand to Shinji's prone form for purchase. A small part of her was afraid to touch him; that even the smallest amount of contact would shatter his broken body into a thousand pieces.

With all the care in the world, she laid her hand gently against Shinji's own, half-expecting him to lunge awake at the slightest touch. However, he remained forever still.

"Come back to us," she pleaded, her voice filled with heartache. Asuka could feel the boy's skin through the gloves of her plugsuit, the warmth pervading her senses like liquid fire. Her feather caresses were a far cry from the everyday rough treatment she had put the soft-spoken pilot through.

The flame-haired goddess hung her head. "I don't want to be alone again…!"

A feeling of absolute sorrow descended upon the flame-haired beauty like a thick cloud, surrounding her, smothering her. Slowly, she started to feel like a child again - so utterly lost, helpless… caught in an invisible current that led her further down into darkness.

This was something that she wasn't ready to face… not again.

"No… I don't want to be alone again!"

-Mama…

Images of a doll, cold black eyes staring back, flashed before her mind.

-Asuka…

Her mother's sickly sweet voice called out to her from a long forgotten past, one that she wished would stay buried forever.

Please be my doll.

"No…!"

Let's die together.

"NO!" Asuka shrieked, slamming her eyes shut, "Don't kill me mama!"

Her mother's face appeared before her, just as she remembered, perversely twisted into a Cheshire grin of innocent madness in her final moments. She was dangling from a noose around her neck… an expression of unadulterated bliss flaring across her once angelic features.

My dear, Asuka. she cooed, eyes bloodshot and full of malice.

Please…

Asuka trembled with complete fear, a chord within her being struck.

"Stop…" she cried, clutching her head in her hands.

Die with me…

And then… there was heat…

Gentle and soothing warmth, like that born from a candle, caressed the face of the sylphlike girl. The contact itself was a sharp contrast to the horrors that had befallen the lovely redhead, and all at once her troubles seemed to melt away…

Gasping aloud, Asuka's head recoiled upward, frantic blue eyes wide open. The morbid tableau of her past faded to black - the familiar scene of a hospital room, pitched in darkness, returned to her senses.

Soft chirps from the heart monitor nearby beat at a faster pace than what she recalled; monitors flashed off different warnings of rising blood pressure and erratic hearbeats, and the artificial lung seated next to her pumped recycled air more vigorously.

What's more… is that acquiescent ocean-blue eyes were staring back at her.

Shinji…-!

In the fraction of a second it took for the German beauty to recognize his princely features, her breath froze in her throat, her beautiful sky-blue eyes captured by the brown-haired boy's.

Shinji gingerly cradled the girl's angelic face, as if the slightest pressure would cause her to break. Amidst the air respirator tied to his face, the pilot of Unit 01 was calmly looking at her, almost expectantly, at the phoenix of princesses.

Asuka's heart was thudding against her chest; abdomen roiling with nervous butterflies. If not for the shock of his awakening, she would have noticed that his fingers were entwined with hers…

Whether unable to speak - or simply afraid to do so - the blue-eyed boy kept his loving gaze on the stunning young lady beside him, the warmth of his free hand against her cheek the only comfort he had left to offer. He watched Asuka's pure, radiant face contorting with conflict, the lights of Tokyo-3 across the window giving the girl an almost saintly glow about her.

So many words Asuka wanted to say to him, in that moment. That he wasn't alone. That he would make it through this. But alas, the libretto of her true feelings never came.

She felt his palm slowly tracing down the delicate curves of her beatific countenance, a touch so kind that it put her into a trance. For a sliver of time, Asuka let herself forget everything - all the pain, all the suffering that she had endured - having it all melt away.

For those few precious moments… she could finally be at peace.

And then… it was gone.

Gradually, the boy's hand fell away, nary making a sound as his arm retired to a resting position on his chest. Ocean-blue eyes that had once been so caring and selfless, now drifted closed as he returned to a slumber that God only knew he would awaken from.

Asuka simply stood there for an unforetold amount of time, the musical symphony of medical dials, graphs, and equipment resigned to their previous tune. The welcomed heat that been so inviting and soft against her face began to fade, her mind reeling from the events that had come to pass.

"Shinji…?" she breathed, her voice barely surpassing a whisper. No sooner had she spoken, she felt her fingers slip out around the blue-eyed boy's grip, an imperceptible void forming in the bottom of her heart.

There came no response.

"…S-Shinji…?!"

Asuka's voice cracked, a cascade of emotions slamming into her like the weight of a vast ocean: Denial, self-loathing, confusion, anger…

Most notable of all however, was an overwhelming sense of sadness, so encompassing and soul-crushing that it threatened to break her spirit into nothing.

She was all alone again.

Shinji was gone…

Hot tears went streaming down the girl's beautiful face, her comely visage slowly crumbling down into unrestrained woe. Asuka had promised herself that she would never cry again - not for her mother, her father, not anyone.

And yet… now… it felt completely useless to hold back anymore.

Asuka's head fell against the mattress, as she finally succumbed to her own feelings.

Ten years of agony spilled forth like a ruptured dam, sheer unrelenting sobs wracking her body as she silently wept.

"I'm so sorry…" she managed between gasps; her hands clenching the bed sheets. "I'm sorry…! I'm sorry…!"

This was her burden to bear - her curse; everyone would always suffer because of her. In the end, it didn't matter if she was the best pilot in the world, or the smartest girl in class…

She would never find happiness, only torment and endless suffering.

As the small hospital room became filled with the fiery-haired girl's lamentation… several figures stood idly by the windows, peering in. Neither of them could take their eyes off of the tragic sight unfolding before them, pained expressions of empathy rioting upon their recognizable faces.

Among them… a blond-haired scientist looked on with regret, their forlorn eyes taking in the scene laid before them.

For the first time, Ritsuko seriously questioned the motives of her life's work. For the first time, she felt a shred of humanity creep into her cold, detached self. Seeing the damage that her own creations had produced; the lives of the very pilot's she had been entrusted with reduced to ruins… she was left with one question - the most important question she had ever been faced with in her entire career:

What have we done…?

AN: Holy hell, it's been awhile. Hopefully this is the start of something special...