Disclaimer: Angst like no other.
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It's the crack of noon before Levi is striding down the corridors, one hand occupied with red boots, and the other tightly grasping a white scarf in the gaps between his fingers. He glances around once, and then twice before sighing in frustration at his lack of ability to find one particular person.
"Mikasa, I know you're hiding. It's late and I have no intention of staying behind." He creases his forehead, eyes narrowed and lips pressed into a thin line. Being the father of one is enough to drive a man like himself to the brink of insanity. Especially since he's the one looking after the goddamn kid in the first place. Had he just left the brat underground like he should have, he wouldn't be running around the compound like an idiot who has no sense of direction.
He thinks that. But in reality, he's more than grateful to have a little midget follow in his footsteps.
But he is anything if a self-reserved man. He can never express his feelings as easily as others can. Certainly, Erwin or Hanji can vouch for that statement.
"Papa?"
Her voice is that of a high-pitch chime. He keeps himself from smiling at the way her cheeks blossom a natural scarlet color and the slight tilt of her head when she looks up at him.
So instead of doing what a normal parent would do, he does what his natural instinct tells him as the captain of the Survey Corps. He clears his throat firmly, eyes compressed into slits, and makes his way towards her with the boots and the white scarf in his hands.
"You know the drill. One foot in," Levi lifts her left foot up and slowly adjusts it inside the space within the red boot. "Next one Mikasa." He revels in the way her cheeks puff out in discomfort as she complies to his orders. It's a usual occurence between the both of them. He orders, and she listens. That's as far as their relationship goes. Nothing too endearing or beyond his comfort level. But sometimes, once in a blue moon, he will slip up and find himself humming tunes to her late at night. Or when she's lonely in bed, he will rock her to sleep until he hears her breathing evenly and he tucks her between the sheets with a gentle kiss to her forehead. Even then, when she's scared and has nightmares, he will come into her room and tell her that he's with her, and that there's nothing to be afraid of anymore. He does all of this. And sometimes, he forgets the line that he places in between them.
"Where are we going?" Mikasa asks, glancing up at him with innocent eyes. She tugs at his sleeves tightly and brings herself closer to him.
He just stares down at her in thought. How long had it been since he found this little girl beneath the streets of Wall Maria? It came to him as surprising the moment he found her guarding herself with nothing but a shard of glass in her hand, and a hardened face with no thread of emotion to her name.
He remembers coming close to her and grabbing her by the wrist with a stern look on his face. "You're weak in your condition. Going against me would prove useless in this situation. If you hold that shard of glass too tightly, you'll only damage yourself more." He tells her with inflection.
She doesn't say anything or attacks like he expects her to. Instead, she drops the shard of glass from her hands and grabs on to the strappings of his legs— tears streaking down her little dirt stained face. The next thing she says surprises him into a state of oblivion. "Thank you." Is what he hears. And he is rendered speechless. All he can think of at that moment is why? Why offer him such sincere words when he is a man who deserves anything but such endearment. He is a monster to himself and to others. He kills Titans like there isn't a damn thing in the world that can stop him, and he is quick to sacrifice others when being told to from the Commander. So when he hears these words, he asks himself over and over again and finds that his heart is already capturing it like it's the most pleasing sound in the world.
It's not before long that he takes this little girl back with him to headquarters. People question him like he expects them to. Hanji or Erwin, and sometimes Mike will stop him during the day to ask him why. He tells them all the same thing. "She has nowhere else to go." But in truth, he could have set her up for adoption or hand her over to the Military Police for them to deal with, instead of adding her to his list of duties to maintain. They understand the man more than he does himself, so they shut up and leave the subject of the matter alone. Sometimes on a rainy day, the little girl will ask him why as well. He'll just brush her off and continue on with his paperwork. He won't tell her the reasoning of course, but he gets the feeling that she understands him regardless.
A year passes by, and he is still with her at this moment.
It's funny how far along time goes by without much of a realization. Levi certainly hates to think that she is growing up much faster than his own expectation.
"We're going to the store." He finally tells her, jolting himself out of the midst of his recollection. He grabs her by the hand and leads her down the corridors with a gentle squeeze.
He never wants to let this hand go, he thinks to himself.
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The streets are overly crowded and the clouds are scattering above them as they fluidly walk through the current of civilians passing them by. Levi just glances around at the stores, without much of an ounce of enthusiasm on his face(a common gesture of his), and continues to walk with folded arms. None of the establishments really catches his eyes, but he knows all too well that Mikasa gets excited by every little thing that she sees. It's not too long before she's pulling him by the sleeve of his cloak and leading him towards a store that sells an accommodation of scarves.
"This one." She tells him in a cheery voice. Her little finger points to a scarf with a lovely shade of maroon to it. He doesn't particularly prefer the color, but he nods reluctantly and clutches it with his hands.
"How much?" He asks the cashier in a firm voice. The woman looks up and blushes wildly at him in response. It's no surprise when he receives this gesture. He gets it almost all the time from different sort of women who sees him out of his uniform and out of the compound—clad in nothing but his civilian clothes. That reason in particular is why he prefers to stay out the streets and confines himself from the company of other people. It is too bothersome to deal with and too much of a headache for him to handle.
But for Mikasa, he is willing to keep his preferences to himself and settle for her happiness first. He owes her that much, after all.
"Is she yours?"
Levi blinks rapidly and looks up at the woman. "What?"
"Is she your daughter?" She repeats, adding the word, 'daughter' with a hint of disappointment.
"In some sense." He replies glancing down. "I'm raising her as my own, I suppose you could say."
The woman somehow regains confidence and smiles prettily at him. "So, she has no mother?"
With that, he feels Mikasa's body tense in reaction and her right hand gripping tightly at the word that he never once thought would affect her in such a way.
Somehow his heart cringes at the dejection on her face.
"No." He grits his teeth, annoyed. "She doesn't have one. But that's none of your damn concern. So if you'd be so kind to tell me the price of this scarf, that'd be nice."
The woman flinches almost immediately at the roughness of his voice, but nods in relunctance— letting the subject slide by giving him the price of the scarf and collecting the money in exchange.
"Let's go." He whispers to Mikasa, wrapping the length of his arm around her face. "Don't cry anymore." He comforts her, by humming the tune of her favorite bedtime hymn. He picks her up in his arms and lets her settle her chin atop his shoulder. She continues to cry as they walk, but he doesn't stop himself from reaching out to her and telling her that he loves her as his own. He hates the word that he uses but he knows that she relishes in the way he says it to her. Maybe because she knows that she's the first person to ever hear those words from him.
"I love you too, papa."
And that's all he really needs to hear before he's smiling to himself and patting her behind the head while she falls asleep in his arms.
He really thinks she's becoming someone important to him.
It's a scary thought, but he's already too attached to give a damn anymore.
So he continues to cradle her little body in the comfort of his arms and begins to tell her how much he is grateful for meeting her in this world. He thanks her for saving his soul a year ago. For being the only person to understand him when nobody else could. For loving him when he deserved to be hated for the wrong things he's done. He thanks her through soft chuckles, choked words, and streaming tears. Of course she doesn't hear him, but he can't help himself from pouring out his feelings. Because he knows that one day, somewhere in the near future, they will be separated. He doesn't like to think about it, but he knows that this little girl will grow up to be a strong woman and she'll meet different kinds of people in her life. They will come to understand her like he has, and love her for all that she is. She will forget him and move on like she's supposed to. It's a hard thing to grasp but he's more than grateful to have been given the privilege of being able to raise her as his own.
"Thank you." He whispers to her as she sleeps. "Thank you for loving me." He smiles, hugging her tightly.
—
"Mikasa, you're heading off again?"
"Yeah, I'll be back soon."
Eren nods at her and waves his hand in the air as he leaves.
She waves back and smiles as she begins to walk towards the other direction.
"You know he's different, Levi. He has a strong heart like you do. It's kind of admirable in a way." She glances sideways and laughs as she continues on. "Sometimes I wonder if you guys are related in some sense, but I know that it's impossible. You hate kids as much as you hate the Military Police." She stops in her tracks and looks down. "Even so, you still loved me like I was your own child. And for that, I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for raising me all those years and believing in me." Droplet of tears begin to pool down her cheeks as she kneels down to the gravestone. "Thank you for saving me." Mikasa whispers through her cries, grasping the red scarf in her hands. She knows he can't hear her, but she feels that he understands anyways. Because that's as far as their relationship goes. As far as the love between them stands. He will always love her like she will always love him. And that's good enough for her to continue on living. For the person who blessed her with this fragile, beautiful life on that cold, winter day ten years ago.
"Thank you, Levi." She tells him, smiling. "For loving me."
She doesn't say anything more. And she doesn't have to. Because she can feel him smiling next to her as if he's been guiding her all through these years. And maybe, just maybe, he has been in the comfort of her heart.
[Fin]
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