The screen flicks to life with a pop of whirring static.

The camera pans shakily around the interior of a dark, dripping cavern. There's a rattling as the recording device is jostled.

There's the sound of ragged breathing, odd cursing in the background, and then a button is mashed and a sharp light comes on-beaming squarely into a pair of wide, mismatched red and black eyes.

"Uh... Good morning," laughs the sheepish voice of a man on the verge of tears but who is valiantly trying to make the best of it, "Or night, rather."

'It's hard to tell in here. This...' His breath huffs, rattling the camera as he adjusts the angle, 'This cave is like a vagina. I-It just keeps going.'

He pauses and runs a furtive hand through shaggy silver locks, looking shiftily from side to side before continuing.

"Listen, I don't know if anyone is gonna get this but... I've got to try."

The man sniffs, backs up against a rock wall and curls into a ball, still holding the camera. The light is fierce and he blinks a little as it steels into his eyes.

"My name is Hatake Kakashi." he whispers faintly, "I am a shinobi of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. And, this may be my last will and testament..."

The man holds back a gruesome sob, running a hand through his mop of unruly hair helplessly.

"I've been held captive here against my will." he murmurs, shaking his head a little in shock, putting his fingers to his masked lips and blinking.

"In Clitoris Falls. Or, I don't know what to call it really. There's just a lot of dampness and ovary here."

He shifts, falling to his side against the rock floor, holding the camera imploringly before him. Begins to sob dryly, broad shoulders heaving as he tries to muffle his cries.

"I-I need to get out of here."

He catches his breath, tries to steady himself. Looks dead-eye in the center of the lens.

"I think I'm in limbo or something. It's worse than any genjutsu I've ever seen!"

He takes a moment to hold back a sudden bout of almost puking. Free hand clutching his masked nose as he pants for air.

"Kami, the stench in here-it's, it's downright cloying!"

There are tears in his almond-shaped eyes. Tears. And, he's choking on his next words.

"Please... Please, if you have anything-anything! you could give me. A rock, a fire, an amputated giant lobster claw!"

'A hug...'

His voice trails off thinly. The man wraps his arm across his front tentatively, fingers curling over his shoulder.

Suddenly, he freezes! Flinches deeper into the rock, eyes growing wide.

"Wait. Wait!... Sh, I think I hear something."

A long, breathless moment passes and then the view on the screen is adjusted again. This time it's set right on the floor, facing exactly into Kakashi's sideways face, his masked cheek pressed hopelessly to the stone.

"Okay, I think she's gone..." His eyes tunnel, looking somewhere beyond the small, handheld camera, "She's gone... She's gone... She's-" he shakes himself out of it. Returns his attention to the screen.

"Please." his voice bleeds in the most fragile of whispers, "I'm being held hostage."

And then, with a truly anguished lilt of his brows, the man bites his fist through the thin fabric of his mask, eyes squeezing shut, visibly shaking. Crying.

"She said..." his low voice breaks and the camera light flickers, "She said that she will never release me, not even for a million reviews. B-But, that... they help?"

He opens his eyes. Draws in an unsteady, raw breath. Speaks quietly into the fading light of the camera, his pale sliver of face solemn and despairing.

"Please, somebody... Anybody..."

'Help.'

"Kryptology" - Isaac Chambers & Deep Fried Dub (ft. Dub Princess)