Hi!

12/04/12

I haven't been on this website in ages. I used to write on here actively (some might say even obsessively) for about a good seven months or so; maybe longer. Writing fanfiction for, what used to be my favorite television series, "Criminal Minds," was a way for me to get my writing out there. I used to roleplay back when I was a young teen and MySpace was all the rage, but I turned to writing fanfiction as I got older because I found it to be far more satisfying and challenging. I had written quite a few stories on here, all of which you can find below this description, and I had some really good times. Abruptly, I dropped out of this website. Not literally, but figuratively. You could even say emotionally. I stopped watching the newer episodes of "Criminal Minds," and because of that, my stories lacked progression. I had no idea what the new episodes were about, so how could I write for them? I also stopped being as big of a fan of "Criminal Minds" as I was at one time. No disrespect to the creators, writers or producers of that show; it was just something I fell out of. I also happened to lose the ability to write a decent story right around that same time.

I had received so many wonderful reviews regarding my stories on here, as well as a nomination for the "Criminal Minds" fanfiction awards. I was so honored to receive that, even if winning didn't mean actually receiving a special award you could physically own. Just having my stories recognized in such a flattering light was more than I could ask for. Despite all of the lovely feedback I'd received, I could never seem to go back to the unfinished stories on here. I had wanted so bad to; to please my readers and the people who faithfully followed my stories, but my heart wasn't in it. I was no longer a huge, dedicated fan of the show, and I couldn't put that kind of emotion into something I just didn't adore anymore. Still, I hated letting go entirely of something I once loved, so I never officially ended the stories or told my readers I wouldn't continue it. Instead, I held out hope that one day I would.

Over the summer, I barely wrote a thing. Besides avoiding Fanfiction.net altogether, I also seemed to avoid writing. My mind was just elsewhere. I was too invested in petty first-time experiences and real-life emotions to dive into my one real passion - writing stories. Whether it be fictional stories about my favorite TV series or an original story I came up with, I couldn't seem to write a darn thing worth reading. All summer long I seemed to ignore the void that was clearly there, but as fall has come around and winter is here, I cannot avoid it any longer -- it is painfully there. I need to write. It is part of who I am, and trying to push that away simply because it isn't as easy to do as it once was is no excuse. Not anymore.

I was a truly content writer and fairly pleased with my work back when I was an active member on this website. I made great friends -- all of which I've sadly lost contact with -- and I created stories that were apparently decent enough to be read. I was happy. I looked forward to reading reviews every single day, more than I can express. It gave me something to look forward to every morning. I remember hopping out of bed, and even before I scooped up my toothbrush, I checked my email for any feedback. I craved it. I didn't just want applause necessarily, I just liked knowing they were being read and appreciated. I felt alive. I felt at home.

I'm searching for that again -- that contentment with my writing. I want to reach that part of me that enjoyed writing for the TV shows I enjoyed watching. Unfortunately, as I stated above, I'm no longer much of a fan of "Criminal Minds." Although I still enjoy the first five seasons, I just could not seem to get into the last two. Which means I will no longer be holding on to that empty promise -- I will be officially ending those stories. I am so sorry. I would love to believe that I could wrap them up with a fantastic ending you believe they deserve, but I don't think my heart is in it. Please forgive me.

How can I be coming back to fanfiction if the only show I'd ever written for is no longer interesting to me? I will be writing for "The Walking Dead" now, which has become my new favorite TV series, as well as my newest -- and biggest -- obsession. My addiction to "The Walking Dead" is greater than it ever was for "Criminal Minds." I hope I can do the show justice with what I come up with -- we'll have to see!

Though I am officially closing all of the unfinished "Criminal Minds" stories, I will keep them available on my page. I don't like the idea of deleting my old work. Although there are plenty of grammar and punctuation errors I've spotted in those stories, as well as lines I cringe at and wish I could've written differently, I will not touch them. Poorly written or not, they were once something I was proud of, and I can't let that go. I use that old work of mine as a way to show me how far I've come, and how much I've grown as a writer. I hope I've grown plenty.

Here's to hoping I gain some new friends here, and maybe even reconnect with some old ones. I cannot thank each and every one of you enough for all of the fantastic reviews you had given me, as well as lovely private messages I'll never forget. I'll never forget the kindness you all had shown me when I was only fifteen/sixteen when I began writing on here. I'm now almost nineteen years old, and thinking back now, I'm still surprised how much friendliness you all expressed to that young, clueless girl who had put her heart on the line by posting her work. I was given nothing but praise, even when I maybe didn't earn it, and that meant the world to me. I hope I can find inspiration to write again, right here, and be proud of my work, just like before.

I've seen some incredible writers on here. I truly envy you for your hard work and dedication. You all inspire me.

-Carrie.

xo.